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Spectator
25-06-2025
- Entertainment
- Spectator
Spectator Competition: Who's who?
For Competition 3405 you were invited to submit a scene in which Doctor Who has regenerated into someone very unexpected. Plenty of interesting transformations resulted, featuring among others Paddington Bear, Mary Berry and two Jacob Rees-Moggs, but the winners of the £25 vouchers are below. The Doctor, regenerating as a tall, meaty-faced man in jeans, a plaid shirt and his mid-sixties, soon got clumsily busy for comic effect with screwdrivers, sonic and otherwise, setting about the Tardis console and causing Fleetwood Mac to play at excessive volume before sending us zagzigging erratically across spacetime on a far from grand tour. 'What could possibly go wrong?' he bellowed, overemphasising every word in apparent exoneration of his haphazard driving skills. When finally we materialised, it was in a sodden wheat field near Chipping Norton and Daleks were massing. 'I've seen off South Oxfordshire Council,' The Doctor chuntered, 'so this lot should be an absolute doddle.' Utilising the element of surprise, The Doctor whipped off the top of each Dalek to reveal inside a startled, black-clad gay ballet dancer. They fled, The Doctor pursuing them for the damage they'd done to what turned out to be his durum wheat. Adrian Fry Jax watched helplessly from behind the containment field as The Doctor melted and reformed. She was astonished to see a middle-aged, portly, bald white man in a blue suit, with a mauve tie that overlapped his name tag on its lanyard. Only the letters 'Ric H' were visible. 'Help, Doctor, get me out!' she yelled. 'Alas, Jax, a writ of habeas corpus does not run on Chagos. Although some Time Lords hold that Gallifreyan law is 'grandfathered' from the colonial period, the better view is that, absent positive Xiblaxian law –' 'Then use the sonic screwdriver!' 'It's a Level 5 quantum-electric emitter, not lic-ensed here, I'm afraid.' 'But we have to stop the Xiblaxians invading Earth!' 'Their not being signatories to the Galactic Sentient Rights Treaty, whereas Earth is, makes that intricately tricky.' In desperation, Jax transformed herself into a co-elenterate and oozed through a gap in the field… Frank Upton The Tardis, looking strangely like a muddy Range Rover, came crashing Earthwards into an armour-strewn wheat field. Out stepped a man in red corduroy trousers and a chequered jacket. 'All right, then, Ange,' he said, 'where are we?' A flame-haired Deputy Time Lord in high-vis vest and golden training shoes read from her chart: 'Well, Doctor –' 'Hang about. Just call me Nige when the cameras aren't watching. I'm so thirsty after all that warp speed stuff. Got a fag, by the way?' 'Yiss, Nige, but they 'aven't been invented yet. We're in medieval France, right near't'end o't'Undred Years' War wi' England.' 'Right, so we've got three immediate ishoos for this latest series. One, how do I introduce tobacco to 15th-century Europe? Two, at least one episode must be called 'Daleks in Best Bitter Battle'. And three, why stop after only 100 years? This English/French stuff could run and run!' Nicholas Lee Regenerated, The Doctor proved a conservatively dressed, fogeyishly fastidious old Etonian whose preferred method of communication was the newspaper article. He immediately set about having the Tardis refurbished after the manner of a Georgian rectory, particularly concerned not to own a television, for all that he would be pursued across spacetime for a licence. Said Tardis, reliably unreliable, haphazardly materialised on alien worlds or at historical periods beset by extraterrestrial incursions unrecorded even in Macaulay. This new Doctor, rising above such nonsenses, tarried onlywhere anecdotes about Margaret Thatcher might be authenticated or country sports freely engaged in. If his forthright, witty arguments failed to convince the Daleks of the folly of authoritarianism, it can only have been that they did not number among his readers. His symposium in a disused quarry with Walter Bagehot and T.E. Utley on constitutional democracy will be published here, culminating in the traditional cliffhanger. Russell Clifton Their time had come at last. For millennia the Time Lords had thwarted the Daleks' universe-conquering ambitions. Now the Lords were tired and predictable, their clock was running down. This time they had failed to find their human stooge. Ha! The invincible Daleks would rumble forwards, exterminating everything in their path. Their Doctors had always been ridiculous figures – a hammy old man, a TV scarecrow, lots of boring white Englishmen. There was even a Scotch one. As for the woman and the black African! – woke Time Lords: what a joke! Things were hotting up on Planet Earth; the next encounter would be Armageddon for those feeble poseurs. The familiar screeching sound approached, the Daleks awaited their moment of triumph. The door opened and a giant lettuce appeared, screaming, 'I was right all along. We have ten years to save the West!' Basil Ransome-Davies The Tardis slowly stopped spinning, teeter–tottered for a moment, then fell on its side. The front door (now the roof) was pushed open and a portly middle–aged man awkwardly clambered out. He was wearing a dark blue suit and matching tie, charmingly paired with a bright yellow life-jacket. He ran his hands over himself, noting the bulging belly, balding pate and thick jowls. He looked horrified. 'No,' he gasped. 'Surely not. Can I really have regenerated as… Ed Davey?' At that moment a Dalek materialised, making vague robotic threats. Doctor Davey-Who fumbled in his jacket for his sonic screwdriver, dropped it, tripped over his trouser legs and fell in a pond where, bobbing gently, he felt grateful for his lifejacket. A passing canoeist tried to help. Doctor Davey-Who somehow upended the vessel and both men were now floundering. The Dalek, watching from the sidelines, said: 'Ex…traordinary. What an idiot.' Joseph Houlihan No. 3408: Some like it hot You are invited to submit a poem about heatwaves (16 lines maximum). Please email entries to competition@ by midday on 9 July.
Metro
30-04-2025
- Entertainment
- Metro
Russell Brand's derelict pub has 'ripped the heart out' of local community
Russell Brand has 'ripped the heart out of the community' by letting his Oxfordshire village pub fall into disrepair, neighbours say. Brand bought the Crown Inn in Pishill in December 2021 for £850,000 but has not opened it to the public. Instead buildings on the site have been used by the comedian, actor and campaigner to record broadcasts for his army of online followers and host. He had applied to planners to transform it into a media hub and base for his Rumble podcast. Brand, 49, withdrew the plans after a backlash from locals and pressure from the council. South Oxfordshire Council described the plans as 'unsuitable' with the loss of the pub as a public amenity while the studios could cause nuisance to neighbours. Locals say the grade II listed pub has been left 'in limbo' as it falls into disrepair. The pub garden is overgrown and there are issues with the upstairs ceilings, they say. Brand carried out a lot of building work on the site but the project has juddered to a halt amid planning issues. Caroline Dempsey told Metro: 'It's sad. The closure of the pub has ripped the heart out of the local community. It was the place we met and made contact it kept us together. Now it is just sitting there falling into disrepair. It's such a shame. 'The pub was a destination for walkers. It was a place farmers could meet. 'Now we are in limbo. When Brand came here first he said he would not re open it as a pub but things would be 'cool'. Well, they are not and we want answers. Maybe he could sell it and it could be used as a mixed use space with the pub open. 'At the moment it's all blocked. We are not happy and we need a change. It's getting untidy it needs attention. It was a destination people would head to we don't want it to be an eyestore.' She said other than a woman who comes in on a daily basis to check the pub property it is just being left unoccupied. Mrs Dempsey added: 'When Brand was broadcasting a few years ago from a building in the garden I could hear him, it was disruptive. I wouldn't call him an ideal neighbour.' It is understood that a local couple showed an interest in buying the Crown from Brand to reopen as pub. However after a meeting with the comedian who is now a self styled guru with millions of followers, a deal was ruled out for now. A local told Metro: 'Brand was very charming when he arrived giving us gifts like hampers. 'However the relationship has soured. There is no transparency as to what is going on with the pub. A multi media space is no good to any of us. We just wish he would sling his hook and let someone get on with running it as a pub again. It's becoming an eyesore. Local people were interested in taking it over but after one meeting it was clear it would be difficult.' Brand has relocated to Miami leaving locals to stew on the sight of the unkempt property at the heart of their village. More Trending A former farmer told Metro: 'The community is dying. The pub was the glue that kept the community together. That's all gone. We don't want the council to give in to celebrity and money. It should be about more than that.' A woman who was in the pub on Tuesday checking on the premises said when approached by Metro: 'Russell Brand is a very nice man. I've met him he is a good man.' Brand is set to return to the UK to face five sex offence charges involving four women between 1999 and 2005, including rape and sexual assault. He denies all allegations. Metro has contacted representatives for Russell Brand for comment. Got a story? If you've got a celebrity story, video or pictures get in touch with the entertainment team by emailing us celebtips@ calling 020 3615 2145 or by visiting our Submit Stuff page – we'd love to hear from you. MORE: Russell Brand suspended from charity after being charged with rape and sex crimes MORE: Inside Russell Brand and Katy Perry's marriage – from Hindu wedding to text message breakup
BBC News
13-03-2025
- Politics
- BBC News
Berkshire and Oxfordshire councils to discuss potential unitary
Three councils will discuss the possibility of forming a new unitary authority covering parts of Berkshire and Oxfordshire next Berkshire, South Oxfordshire and Vale of White Horse Councils have proposed they form a new authority, ahead of the government asking for plans for reorganisation later this initial proposal is titled Ridgeway Council, named after the ancient footpath that cuts through the three council government wants all new unitary authorities to serve about 500,000 residents or more and for every region to have a mayor. The three councils said they have "strong demographic and economic similarities" and "significant historic ties".They think the plan is a "once-in-a-generation opportunity" that would deliver high quality services and improve financial Berkshire's leader Jeff Brooks said the plan was an "exciting opportunity to establish a council that is ready for the future – one that works smarter, delivers better outcomes, and strengthens local democracy".David Rouane, South Oxfordshire Council's leader, said it would "provide a strong and effective foundation for the future… while maintaining and enhancing the unique character of our market towns and rural areas".While Bethia Thomas, Vale of White Horse Council's leader, said the authorities' "combined strengths would create a modern and effective local authority that puts people and communities at the heart of strong, health and robust local government, all white providing a firm base for wider regional growth".All of the councils will discuss the plans on 19 March, ahead of a potential submission to government for approval later this changes would be subject to public consultation. You can follow BBC Berkshire on Facebook, X (Twitter), or Instagram.
