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Forbes
6 days ago
- Business
- Forbes
What Is Soft Influence? The Most Impactful Employees Aren't Always Loud
What Is Soft Influence? The Most Impactful Employees Aren't Always Loud There's a reason Susan Cain's book Quiet did so well. Over four million people bought her book because introverts felt heard, some for the first time. That message stood out to me because my own experience had often been shaped by the opposite kind of energy. Having worked many decades in sales, I worked around a lot of extroverts. They can be boisterous, and most of them were a lot of fun. However, outside of sales, sometimes the most impactful employees aren't always the loudest. They don't necessarily have to be an introvert either. I've met plenty of extroverts who know the value of a pause and a well-placed question. The impact of that leads to calm, precise, and more meaningful results than people often realize. That result is soft influence. And it's becoming one of the most important forms of leadership at work. What Is Soft Influence And How Does It Work? What Is Soft Influence And How Does It Work? Soft influence is when someone quietly moves things forward in a way that doesn't demand attention. They help people make better decisions, keep projects on track, and offer insights that get others thinking differently. They often have a great sense of timing and know how to ask the one question that simplifies something everyone else was over-complicating. Sometimes their best work happens during the meeting, and sometimes it happens in a hallway conversation afterward. Either way, they make things clearer, calmer, and more productive. In my experience, I've found that people with soft influence are usually very tuned in to the emotions and energy of others. They tend to listen before they speak, and when they do speak, others pay attention because they're not just filling air. They build trust because they're steady, thoughtful, and not trying to take credit or win points. They just want to make the outcome better. What makes this kind of influence so effective is that it's based on trust and respect rather than title or authority. Someone might not be in charge of the meeting, but when they offer a perspective, people stop and listen. Their coworkers notice it, and whether they realize it or not, their managers often rely on it to get the real work done. Why Soft Influence Isn't Always Easy To Recognize Why Soft Influence Isn't Always Easy To Recognize In a lot of organizations, the people who get the most recognition are the ones who speak up first. That works for some, but there's a different kind of power in being the person who holds a team together by asking the right questions and making space for better thinking. You won't always find these individuals leading a big project or standing at a podium. Sometimes they're the ones quietly advising others, helping someone feel more confident, or stopping a problem before it even starts. It's important to point out that not everyone who leads this way is trying to climb a ladder. Some are perfectly happy where they are. They're not looking for attention, and they're not trying to become the next department head. They just want to do their job well and help others succeed along the way. Some lead this way because they believe in servant leadership. They'd rather lift others up than wield power over them. They don't need the credit. Seeing the team succeed is the reward. Others focus on being the person others turn to when something needs to be done right. They enjoy being the go-to for advice, clarity, or a second opinion. That doesn't always mean they want to lead a team or be in charge of strategy. For them, influence is about making a difference in the day-to-day. They're reliable, insightful, and respected. Leadership, in their case, doesn't have to come with a title. I teach a lot of courses where I hear from students who tell me they don't want to be the kind of leader who has to be the center of attention or the one giving orders. Especially among younger generations, there's a real shift happening. Many are more interested in being respected for their knowledge than admired for their authority. They want to contribute meaningfully without constantly being on display. Why Soft Influence Matters More Than Ever Why Soft Influence Matters More Than Ever Think of the workplaces where everyone wants to make noise. Maybe there's always someone sharing, announcing, or reacting to something. But the person who speaks less and thinks more often brings something to the table that others didn't even realize was missing. Soft influencers are good at cutting through all of that noise. They help people refocus on what really matters. They prevent things from going off the rails. They're often the person you didn't realize was holding the team together until they take a day off and suddenly everything feels harder, and sometimes falls apart. They often serve as mediators and help defuse tension before it escalates. They encourage people to slow down and consider different angles. That kind of influence builds strong cultures. It creates space for people to speak up, take risks, and collaborate more honestly. When people ask me how to build a culture of curiosity when leadership resists change, I often point to soft influencers. They can have the biggest impact because soft influence doesn't come with a lot of flash and rarely draws resistance. It works quietly, behind the scenes, making teams stronger without forcing people to compete for attention. It holds a different kind of power, one that builds trust and stability, especially when the environment becomes uncertain. How Leaders Can Support And Recognize Soft Influence How Leaders Can Support And Recognize Soft Influence If you're in a leadership role, it's worth paying attention to more than who speaks the most. Ask yourself who others go to when they're unsure or overwhelmed. Who keeps projects grounded without needing constant direction? Who asks thoughtful questions that keep things moving in the right direction? These are your soft influencers. You can support them by making sure your feedback and recognition systems actually capture what they contribute. Don't just reward the most visible person in the room. Look at who makes others better, who quietly resolves problems, and who creates a sense of calm when things feel chaotic. Give people space to lead in ways that fit who they are. Not everyone wants to stand at the front of the room, and there's no need to push them there. Let them lead through consistency, insight, and how they treat others. You don't have to force someone into a role they never asked for to acknowledge the impact they're making. And talk about soft influence openly. When you give feedback or recognize someone's contribution, be specific. Mention how someone's input helped shift a conversation. Call out how they helped resolve an issue before it got worse. People want to be seen for the things that matter, even if they don't ask for attention. Why Soft Influence Is A Kind Of Leadership That Deserves More Attention Why Soft Influence Is A Kind Of Leadership That Deserves More Attention Leadership doesn't have to come with a title or a spotlight. Some people don't want either, and that choice doesn't lessen their value. The people who lead with soft influence are often the ones others rely on most. They build trust, help teams stay grounded, and keep things moving forward without making it about themselves. Their influence holds things together, even if it's not always visible. If you lead this way, your contribution matters. And if someone around you does, let them know. A lot of teams succeed because of people who make everything work better without ever asking for credit.
Yahoo
16-07-2025
- General
- Yahoo
14 Signs You're Not An Introvert, You Just Don't Like People
When you prefer a cozy evening over going out, you might quickly assume you're an introvert. But what if it's not about needing alone time to recharge? Maybe you just don't like being around people. It's a distinction that makes a big difference in understanding your social preferences. Here are 14 signs that you might not be an introvert — you just don't like people. 1. Crowds Drain Your Energy You might think you're introverted because being in a crowd leaves you exhausted. But the truth is, it's not the number of people that's the problem — it's the people themselves. You find their small talk tedious and their presence overwhelming. Dr. Laurie Helgoe, a psychologist who specializes in introversion, notes that introverts can enjoy socializing; they just prefer deeper interactions over superficial chatter. So, if you're not into mingling, it might be the people, not the setting, that's the issue. To you, a crowded room feels chaotic, filled with too many unnecessary interactions. You might find yourself scanning for the nearest exit or plotting how to leave early. Parties are particularly difficult because it feels like you're constantly on display. Unlike introverts who might enjoy observing from the sidelines, you don't want to be there at all. It's not about needing alone time afterward — you'd rather skip it altogether. 2. Networking Events Feel Like Torture The idea of networking can make you cringe, but not because you're shy or introverted. You dislike the superficial nature of these events and the forced interactions they involve. People talk about themselves excessively, and you feel pressured to do the same. It's not that you're bad at socializing; you can hold a conversation when necessary. However, you simply find these exchanges unfulfilling and unnecessary. Instead of looking for common ground, you find yourself scanning for exits. You might stick around for the snacks or because it's required for work, but you're mentally checked out. The idea of 'selling yourself' feels insincere, and you're not interested in building connections unless they're meaningful. When you leave, it's not that you're tired from 'peopling' — you're just relieved to be free from insincerity. It's like holding your breath and finally being able to exhale. 3. You Dread Small Talk For you, small talk isn't just a mild annoyance; it's a major deterrent to socializing. It's not that you don't know how to engage in it; rather, you see it as pointless. You want conversations that matter, not just filler to pass the time. According to Susan Cain, author of 'Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking,' introverts appreciate depth over breadth in their social interactions. But if you avoid small talk altogether, it might be less about needing depth and more about disliking the superficiality of people. While many people can ease into small talk as a social lubricant, you avoid it like the plague. Talking about the weather or what someone had for lunch feels like an exercise in futility. You're not interested in seeing where these conversations go because you've already decided they won't lead anywhere worthwhile. It's not just about lacking interest — it feels like a waste of time. You're not recharging from an overload of interaction; you're actively trying to escape it. 4. You Find People Draining, Not Stimulating It's common for introverts to find socializing tiring, but you find people themselves to be the drain. When you interact with others, you're not feeling overwhelmed by the energy in the room. Instead, you're worn out by the people and their quirks. You notice every little annoyance, from their mannerisms to their opinions, and it grates on you. It's not about needing quiet time to recharge; you simply don't enjoy the company. Spending time with others feels more like a chore than a choice. You're not seeking solitude for rejuvenation; you're avoiding the exhaustion that people bring. Their presence feels like a burden, and you're not interested in carrying it. Unlike introverts who recharge alone but can still enjoy social time, you're not interested in engaging at all. The idea of spending time with people doesn't appeal to you unless absolutely necessary. 5. You Prefer Texting Over Talking You might assume that preferring text over conversation is a sign of introversion. However, it could mean that you simply don't enjoy the company of others in real-time. Texting gives you the space to interact on your own terms without the immediate pressure of responding. A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that people who dislike phone calls often perceive them as interruptions. If this resonates with you, it might be less about introversion and more about disliking the imposition of real-time interaction. Calling someone feels intrusive, and being on the receiving end can feel like an invasion of your peace. You're not necessarily shy or reserved; you just prefer to control the flow of interaction. Texting allows you to disengage whenever you want without the awkwardness of an abrupt end. You can compose your thoughts without feeling rushed or pressured. It's not about needing time to recharge from interaction; it's about preferring the distance texting provides. 6. Teamwork Makes You Grumpy Group projects are universally dreaded by many, but your disdain comes from a specific place. It's not just about having to work with others; it's about dealing with them. You find teamwork frustrating because it involves too many opinions and too much negotiation. Instead of bouncing ideas off each other, you feel like you're trapped in a never-ending debate. It's not about needing time to work alone; it's about avoiding the headache of people altogether. While introverts might prefer working alone because it allows them to focus better, you avoid teamwork because you don't want to deal with others. Their input feels like an obstacle rather than a contribution. You're not seeking solitude for productivity's sake; you're seeking relief from constant compromise. The presence of others doesn't inspire you; it drains you. You're not necessarily introverted; you just prefer to skip the human element whenever possible. 7. Friends Say You're 'Too Picky' Your friends might accuse you of being too selective, but what if it's not about being introverted? You're not looking for perfection; you just have a low tolerance for nonsense. It's not about being unable to connect; it's about not wanting to. Dr. Elaine Aron, a psychologist and expert in sensitivity, suggests that some people are just more selective about the company they keep due to heightened sensitivities to others' energies and vibes. If you find yourself opting out of plans more than joining in, it might be because of picky preferences. Instead of making new friends or going out, you'd rather stick with the few people who truly get you. It's not about needing alone time or being socially anxious; it's about choosing quality over quantity. You're not interested in expanding your circle just for the sake of it. While others might thrive on meeting new people, you find it exhausting and unnecessary. Your criteria might be high, but it's because you value meaningful interactions over forced ones. 8. You're Often Called 'Aloof' People may label you as aloof or detached, but perhaps they're misinterpreting your actions. It's not that you're shy or scared to engage; you simply choose not to. You're not interested in small talk or sharing your thoughts unless they're meaningful. Others might take this as a sign of disinterest, but you see it as prioritizing your mental space. It's not about being distant for recharging; it's about being selective with your presence. Your perceived aloofness might stem from your lack of interest in participating in social norms. You don't feel the need to force conversations or pretend to be engaged when you're not. Instead of being overwhelmed by social interaction, you're simply not interested in partaking. Your focus isn't on avoiding burnout; it's on making your interactions count. You're not being cold; you're just choosing when and how to engage. 9. You're A Skilled Social Avoider You've mastered the art of dodging social gatherings without seeming rude. Unlike introverts who might avoid events to recharge, you avoid them because you genuinely dislike them. It's not about needing alone time; it's about not wanting to waste time. You've developed strategies to gracefully exit conversations or leave parties early. It's not about social anxiety; it's about a lack of interest. Your friends might marvel at your ability to escape social traps, but for you, it's second nature. You know how to decline invitations without offending anyone. It's not about being shy; it's about choosing how to spend your time wisely. You don't avoid social situations out of fear; you avoid them out of preference. It's not about needing solitude to recharge; it's about valuing your peace over pointless interaction. 10. 'Just Because' Invites Annoy You Spontaneous invites that lack purpose tend to irk you more than excite you. It's not about needing to prepare mentally for social outings; you simply don't want to go. While some might enjoy impromptu plans as a break from routine, you see them as unnecessary disruptions. You prefer to know exactly why you're gathering, or you'll likely opt out. It's not about introversion; it's about wanting your social interactions to have meaning. Instead of being pleasantly surprised by a 'just because' invite, you feel burdened by it. You don't get the thrill of unexpected social plans; you get anxiety. You're not looking forward to catching up or having fun; you're dreading the ambiguity. It's not about needing time alone to recharge; it's about disliking meaningless get-togethers. You don't want spontaneity; you want a reason, otherwise, you'll pass. 11. You Find Social Media Tiring Even virtual interactions on social media can sometimes feel overwhelming for you. It's not about needing to disconnect to recharge; it's about being overwhelmed by the constant presence of others. The never-ending updates and opinions can feel like a barrage. Instead of connecting, you feel disconnected because it's all just noise. You're not interested in keeping up with everyone's lives; you'd rather not know. While some people find social media to be a lifeline for staying in touch, you find it to be a tedious obligation. It's not about needing a digital detox because you're introverted; it's because you're uninterested. You'd prefer a few authentic connections over hundreds of superficial ones. Instead of feeling energized by online interactions, you feel burdened. It's not about needing a break from social media; it's about not wanting to engage with it at all. 12. You're Selective About Your Social Calendar Your calendar isn't packed because you choose quality over quantity. It's not about needing days off to recharge; you just don't want to spend time with people unless it's meaningful. You're not interested in filling your days with social obligations. Instead, you opt for selective interactions that provide a genuine connection. It's not about being introverted; it's about valuing worthwhile engagements. Instead of jumping at every opportunity to socialize, you're careful about what you commit to. You don't see the point in attending events that don't interest you. It's not about wanting alone time; it's about wanting quality time. You're fine with a sparse calendar if it means avoiding unfulfilling experiences. It's not about shying away from social activity; it's about choosing the right activity for you. 13. You Don't Fear Missing Out While others might experience FOMO, you feel JOMO — the joy of missing out. It's not about needing to recharge alone; it's about genuinely preferring what you're doing over what you're missing. You don't feel the pull to be everywhere and with everyone. Instead, you're content with your own company or with the people you truly enjoy. Missing a party isn't a big deal; it's a relief. You don't find yourself checking social media to see what you're missing. You're not worried about being left out because you didn't want to be there in the first place. It's not about avoiding social exhaustion; it's about having no interest in the event. You'd rather spend your time doing something you love than something you're supposed to love. You're not avoiding socializing; you're choosing a different kind of fulfillment. 14. You Love Solitude, Not Silence Preferring alone time doesn't necessarily make you an introvert. It might just mean you love your own company more than that of others. It's not about recharging in silence; it's about enjoying the peace of being alone. You find solitude rewarding, not because you need it, but because you prefer it. It's not about needing time away from others to feel better about socializing later. You love doing your own thing without having to account for anyone else. Whether that's reading, hiking, or just enjoying a cup of coffee, solitude is your sanctuary. It's not about hiding from social interactions; it's about embracing your own interests. You don't need silence to recharge; you need space to be yourself. It's not about being introverted; it's about valuing your own company above all else. Solve the daily Crossword
Forbes
30-05-2025
- Business
- Forbes
Networking For Introverts: Tips for Finding Quality Over Quantity
Effective networking goes well beyond small talk. getty Despite efforts by the likes of Susan Cain, author of the bestseller 'Quiet', to shed light on what it really means to be an introvert, misconceptions remain. In particular, the idea that introverts are shy and socially challenged has been a tough stereotype to shed. The problem for many introverts like myself is that no matter how good we get at understanding our brain's wiring and how to make it work to our advantage, we can still buy into what conventional wisdom says of what we should like doing or can. It doesn't matter how many enjoyable social experiences I have, the idea of doing them still causes some trepidation. But as I seem to realize repeatedly, attending the party isn't the problem; it's what you do there that determines your experience. Similarly, when people think of networking, images of chatty cocktail hours or awkwardly asking strangers for job leads tend to come to mind. 'Many people see networking as synonymous with asking for referrals. If this is your mental model, it makes sense to think that extroverts have a natural advantage,' Dan Freehling, an executive coach and the founder of Contempus Leadership, told me. To help introverts shed any of their own stereotypes about what it means to network well, I asked career coaches for guidance on networking ideas that get to the heart of both what introverts do well and what it actually means to be a good networker. The first step for introverts who feel like they are at an inherent disadvantage is to understand that networking 'is not about socializing, it's about learning from people who actually know what they're talking about so you can zero in on the right opportunities for you,' Freehling said. Sure, excelling at small talk might make for a smoother initial interaction, but effective networking depends on what happens from there. As Devora Zack, author of 'Networking for People Who Hate Networking,' writes, while 'extroverts collect a bigger stack of cards; introverts connect through deeper conversations.' 'My biggest networking tip for introverts is to change your metaphor. Great networking isn't schmoozing, it's detective work,' Freehling said. Getting comfortable with a new definition of networking is important because 'if you believe you're not good at networking, you're also going to put less effort in,' international career coach Simone Anzböck told me. This idea is rooted in psychologist Carol Dweck's research on fixed versus growth mindsets, as well as a 2020 study that applies this theory directly to networking. The main takeaway here is that good networking is not something you're born with. It can be learned, and some effective approaches may even favor the introverted among us. Much like small talk, introverts aren't the best at elevator pitches, either. But we are good listeners who tend to bring a genuine sense of curiosity to meaningful conversations. This is where Freehling's detective metaphor can make the process a whole lot more appealing for introverts, many of whom thrive in that kind of research-oriented work. A career coach once advised me to wear my journalist hat when networking, because it can and should feel like you're on a fact-finding mission. This shift in perspective can not only take advantage of your strengths, but also address a blind spot that many on the job hunt have. 'The real problem most job seekers face is that they don't know nearly enough about the sectors they're targeting and how to best present the value they bring. Networking is how you solve that,' Freehling said. When approaching a new connection, doing so with clarity, curiosity, and purpose can lay the groundwork for a conversation that's both enjoyable and contributes to your career goals. Keep it simple and have a clear ask, Kelsi Kriitmaa, a social impact career coach, advises. 'Don't just say, 'I'd love to connect,' say why,' Kriitmaa said. 'Are you curious about how they transitioned sectors? Want to understand how they landed their role? Looking for insights on your next move? Say that.' If you fancy yourself a considerate introvert, you probably overthink situations like this, worried that you'll be a bother. But according to Kriitmaa, with this approach, 'clarity isn't pushy, it's respectful of people's time and energy, and people are far more likely to respond to something real and specific than a vague message that feels like a copy and paste.' Whether you're an introvert, extrovert, or somewhere in between, it's common to avoid thinking about networking until you find yourself looking for work. The problem, of course, is that good networking means building strong relationships, and this takes time. Therefore, part of your perspective shift should include adopting a 'give before you get' mindset, Kriitmaa said, which helps you to 'nurture relationships before you 'need' them, so that when the time comes to ask for support, advice, or intros, you've already built trust. It's called relationship equity, and it compounds over time.' Simple actions one could take on LinkedIn include congratulating someone on a new role or sharing an event they might not have seen. 'This isn't about being transactional, it's about being generous, early and often,' Kriitmaa said. 'Think about how you can connect people to one another, or how you can connect useful information to people,' Anzböck added. 'You should be thinking more about the long-term gain of the relationship.'
Forbes
09-04-2025
- Business
- Forbes
High-Paying Jobs Where You Work Alone
Woman working at home using laptop next to her dog, sitting at dining table at home. Work life ... More balance. Living with a pet. People have different preferences about work styles. It could be working in an office, hybrid, or remote. There are some workers who like to work alone. A 2023 YouGov survey found 40% of Americans are introverts, desiring low-stimulation settings. It's not because they dislike people. Psychologist Susan Cain, in Quiet, says introverts thrive in solitude, delivering their best work without the social stimulus overload of open offices and needing to play political gamesmanship. It's less about shunning colleagues and more about safeguarding their focus. A 2024 RescueTime study showed solo workers averaged 22% higher productivity on complex tasks compared to team settings, citing fewer interruptions. For many, solitude isn't anti-social, it's just anti-distraction. Corporate life can be an unending minefield of complaining, meetings, and gossiping. A 2023 Gallup report found 60% of U.S. workers feel 'emotionally detached' at work, often due to unnecessary interactions or power plays. Solo work sidesteps this. There's no need for small talk, sucking up to the boss or jockeying for credit. Some personalities are simply wired for it. They favor independent tasks over group dynamics. Highly autonomous individuals such as creatives or analytical minds, crave control over their process. A 2024 SHRM study shows that 35% of workers prioritize 'autonomy' above salary. Separately, A 2025 Indeed survey found 28% of remote workers chose solo roles. There are benefits to being by yourself. There is no need to commute, adhere to a dress code, or forced team events. A 2024 FlexJobs report pegged 65% of remote solo workers as 'more satisfied' than office peers, citing flexibility and calm. It's not anti-social to prefer a quiet space over a cubicle farm, it's pragmatic. For those who thrive in their own space, away from the hum of teamwork, high-paying solo jobs offer both financial rewards and personal satisfaction. As remote work and freelancing surge, solitary roles are gaining traction. Working alone doesn't mean earning less. From tech to energy, these careers offer six-figure potential and solitude. These careers combine strong earnings with minimal collaboration, sourced from industry trends and labor statistics. As a recruiter and running an executive search for nearly thirty years, it's important for people to understand compensation. When we talk about salaries for any profession, whether it's software developers, teachers, or nurses, many people think there's a standard number everyone earns. But the reality is far more complex. Compensation isn't a monolith; it shifts based on a variety of factors. For example, two people in the same role might take home wildly different paychecks. Take a software developer in San Francisco versus one in Oklahoma, the former might easily earn double or more. The BLS projects 25% growth for software developers by 2032, with freelancing on the rise. This cohort builds apps, websites, or systems independently for clients. They manage the full development cycle of coding, testing, and delivery. Many are self-taught or hold a computer science degree. They have proficiency in Python, JavaScript, or C++. They can earn $100,000–$150,000/year; with hourly rates of $50–$150 (BLS, 2023; Dice, 2025). Software engineers typically earn an average salary of around $123,000 to $205,000 per year, along with bonuses and stock options that push the total compensation higher. Actuaries use math and statistics to assess financial risks for insurers or pension funds, working solo with data models. They tend to have Bachelor degrees in math or actuarial science. Once they've passed the Society of Actuaries exams, median pay is around $113,990/year. Top earners hit $200,000. According to the national average salary for an actuary is around $120,164 per year. Entry-level actuaries can expect to earn around $70,000-$80,000, while experienced actuaries can earn significantly more, potentially exceeding $200,000. The engineers design oil and gas extraction methods, often working solo in offices or remote sites. They hold Bachelors or advanced degrees in petroleum or related engineering; experience. The salary is around $96,592–$130,000/year. These people join energy firms like ExxonMobil. Many are science-driven loners unbothered by isolation. Petroleum engineering offers a median of $137,720, with remote digital roles, per the BLS. Long-haul truck drivers typically earn between $64,000 and $70,000 annually on average, depending on experience, company, and type of freight. Specialized drivers transporting hazardous materials or oversized loads can earn $75,750–$118,600 per year, while owner-operators may make $85,000–$100,000, excluding maintenance expenses.
The Guardian
27-03-2025
- General
- The Guardian
In my family, introvert-extrovert pairings are common. But I had to get to 36 to learn which one applied to me
I never identified as shy as a child because my younger brother was the type of kid who wouldn't speak in the company of strangers, and I – apparently – never stopped talking. Shyness was comparative, and, in my family of origin, there was always someone shyer than me. I didn't notice my shyness until I split with my first long-term partner when I was 26. He'd been my boyfriend from the age of 14, so – by the time we parted – almost half my life. This first boyfriend was gregarious, always ready for a chat. He had a way of walking into a room and cracking a joke, so by the time I entered on his tailwind, everyone was already laughing. He'd warmed the room and I'd felt welcome. I'd never been an adult without him, so didn't have any awareness of how he'd held me under his wing. In the aftermath of our split, I became conscious of how difficult I found certain aspects of socialising. Simple things like how to enter and exit a room. Beginnings and endings: how to start a chat and how to finish one. How to mingle in a crowd of people. Parties or gatherings of any sort suddenly became fraught. I'd always assumed my ex-partner was simply friendly but, in 2013, a decade after our split, I read Susan Cain's, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking and realised he was an extrovert and I was an introvert. According to Cain, shyness and introversion often crossover but they aren't the same thing. Extroversion and introversion exist along a spectrum but they are mostly viewed as traits we're born with rather than develop. It seemed odd that I had to get to 36 to learn this about myself. My chattiness one-on-one had worked as a distraction. In fact, I found bigger groups overwhelming and needed lots of alone time to recharge. Like the shyness, my obvious introversion took some time to become obvious to me. My granddaughter came in to this world so vivacious that her extroversion was impossible to miss. Even from before she was mobile, she was throwing her arms up in welcome and squealing with delight at the sight of a visitor. Everything displayed, everything shared. She's so friendly out in public that I often come up against my own shyness when I carry her around. When she started talking, she'd motion to someone in the queue ahead and say – 'I shy' – but what she meant was, I would like to connect with that person and I'm not sure how. Striking up conversations with strangers is not my forte but she seemed to want my help. She was not yet two but she was already pushing me out of my comfort zone. One day, while I was wheeling her along the main street of my country town, an unknown woman called out, 'Hey, party girl!' This was clearly not aimed at me and I had to laugh. My granddaughter's social networks were already larger than mine and she was still in nappies. What is a shy person to do with such gregariousness? My eldest son, her father, had been the same. Throughout his life I'd watched him making enthusiastic small talk with strangers. As a teen he'd start up chats with elderly people at the checkout, spying dogfood in their trolleys and asking what type of dog they had. Often, they'd brace at first – the dissonance of this friendliness with his teenage attire – but a few minutes in and they'd be smiling. When he was young, before I'd read Cain's book, I'd tried to force rest days on him to catch up from the kind of socialising that left me drained. He never seemed to need it but I did. On these home days all his games involved imaginary 'parties'. I found his outgoingness baffling; he wondered why I was always so tired. When my second born came on the scene, dreamy and internal, he made perfect sense. He cried when I took him out in the world, all that overwhelming sound and colour. He nestled into me, staying close. As a toddler, his favourite game was snuggling on the couch. Our needs in perfect sync. In my family, introvert-extrovert pairings are common. Both my sons have paired up with their opposites. Now I understand the terminology, it all seems so clear! My introvert son's partner once declared, 'I hate having a shower, it's so boring!' and I realised it was the only time she ever spent alone. I watch them all navigate their differing needs: the introverts enjoying recharging in quiet, the extroverts wanting chats in the shower. My granddaughter is now just past two but she can talk up a storm. I was out with her a few weeks back and we bumped into a friend I hadn't seen for years. I was immediately awkward but my granddaughter came to my aid. 'You have a blue dress!' she said to my friend, 'and mine is pink!' The ice was broken. It was a beginning. I was holding my granddaughter on my hip but she had me under her wing. My younger son and his partner have a fifteen-week-old baby. A new granddaughter! Thus far, she's expressive and smiley. My older son's partner gave birth last week. A grandson! In this genetic lottery, I wonder what we'll get. Introverts who'll snuggle on the couch, or extroverts who'll help us make new friends. I cannot wait to see! Jessie Cole is the author of four books, including the memoirs Staying and Desire, A Reckoning
