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Scottish Sun
01-07-2025
- Scottish Sun
I went through boyfriend's phone and found explicit texts to another woman – how do I regain trust in him?
DEAR DEIDRE: ONE question confirmed what my instincts had told me about my boyfriend – that something was off. Completely out of the blue, he asked if I would ever be in an open relationship. When I questioned why he'd asked me, he claimed he had seen something on social media and wondered what I thought about it. Suspicious, I asked to check his phone, and he immediately became defensive. I am 33 and my boyfriend is 35. We have been together for 12 years and have two children, who are aged ten and nine. A couple of days after he'd asked me about an open relationship, I finally had the opportunity to go through his phone — and found explicit texts sent to another woman. He had clearly met up with her but when I confronted him, he said it had been so brief, it was hardly worth mentioning. Now I'm questioning everything. He won't take responsibility for anything and when I pushed for more answers, he got up and went to a friend's house for the evening. He obviously went to delete all the evidence, which was on social media. When he came home all the messages had disappeared. But he had forgotten to purge his email and I found he had also signed up to a dating site. I created a fake profile and found his. It stated he lived in a shared house and implied he was single. Relationships, jealousy and envy While I am trying my best to get past this and build trust, because he has deleted everything, there is more to this than meets the eye. His betrayal has really hurt me. I am struggling to move past this. How do I regain trust in him? DEIDRE SAYS: Discovering that your partner has cheated can feel like your world has imploded. He is trying to downplay his betrayal but don't let him off the hook. This has deeply hurt you and unless he faces up to his disloyal behaviour, it will be impossible for you to genuinely move on. You still love him, so tell him how you feel and ask him to work on your relationship together. My support pack Cheating, Can you Get Over It? can help. Couple's counselling would also be very helpful but he has to be open and honest about what he did in order for you to be able to move on. Find a counsellor at Tavistock Relationships ( 020 7380 1975). Get in touch with Deidre Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. Send an email to deardeidre@ You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page. IT'S SO HARD TO COPE WITH DAUGHTER'S MELTDOWNS DEAR DEIDRE: My daughter is showing signs of autism and is on a waiting list to be assessed. I am struggling to cope with the angry outbursts which happen randomly. I am her 35-year-old mum and she is ten. Recently I took her to the doctor, who suggested she might be autistic. This came like a bolt out of the blue. She has had a few behavioural problems, but it didn't really cross my mind that she might be autistic. I love her but sometimes I feel so helpless. My partner, her dad, left us when my daughter was five. When she has a meltdown I struggle because I can't get through to her at all. She can be so difficult, but she is OK at school. My parents work and live miles away. The lack of sleep is making me impatient, and I feel so guilty and a failure. DEIDRE SAYS: You're not a failure. You're doing your best. A diagnosis of autism can come as a shock to most parents at first, and as a single parent you will feel particularly alone, with no one to share it with. When she has a meltdown, stay calm and keep her safe. You can't always prevent meltdowns but letting her wear headphones to listen to calming music, turning down lights, and distraction techniques such as focus toys, may help her. Also, see the National Autistic Society's website for information and support ( I PICKED WRONG EX, NOW I'M ALONE DEAR DEIDRE: LEAVING my girlfriend to get back with my ex-wife has backfired. When I arrived on her doorstep, my ex-wife's face fell and she bluntly told me she had 'company'. She told me there is no chance for us in her mind. I'm 59, she is 57 and we have got two grown-up sons. We grew apart and got into a rut. When I split up with her originally, she was very upset but I stuck to my guns. I moved on quickly and met my girlfriend. She's 54. Things were great between us. But one day we'd both had too much to drink and had a silly fall-out. She kept going on that I still loved my ex-wife. I think I started to believe it. Still, I was so annoyed with my then girlfriend I didn't even bother to try to put things right. Eventually she told me I had given her no choice but to end our relationship. Now my ex-wife won't even have me. I feel like a total fool. DEIDRE SAYS: Being rejected is painful but your ex sounds as though her mind is made up. If she's unwilling to mend things, it's best you try to move on. When either relationship hit challenges you were quick to walk away. If you are going to build a healthy relationship in the future it's important to learn to work through differences. That way you learn from each other. My pack Mend Your Broken Heart will help. DRINKING HABIT RUINING MY LIFE DEAR DEIDRE: WHILE I am not dependent on alcohol, I go on binges that can last up to four days at a time. During them, I don't eat or look after myself. I have been like this since I was 20. I am 35 now. Not a weekend goes by where I don't get completely obliterated with cider or wine. I drink to the point where I black out and have big memory-loss gaps. It is destroying both my physical and mental health. After saying some nasty things to my family while drunk, I have fallen out with them. Despite the fact I didn't mean any of it, they won't forgive me. I am feeling so isolated. Recently I moved to the north of England from Wales and don't know anyone, so I drink to try to make myself feel better and to numb how I am feeling. As I am relatively new to this area, I don't have a GP I can discuss this with. Alcohol also makes me very impulsive. I have little recollection of the things I have done when I come out of a binge. I would love to get sober. I understand the negative impact alcohol has on me but at the same time, it helps me numb the bad way I feel at times. But it is slowly destroying me as a person. DEIDRE SAYS: Now that you have recognised you have a problem, you can really get the support you need. Binge-drinking is particularly dangerous, as you are at risk of a serious accident as well as alcohol poisoning. Find a GP in your area as soon as you can and please be assured there is a lot of help available. We Are With You can assist you with taking your first steps to a healthier and happier lifestyle ( My pack on drinking gives more information and details of other organisations to turn to.
Scottish Sun
27-06-2025
- Lifestyle
- Scottish Sun
My sexless marriage is pushing me into an affair with another woman – I didn't sign up to be celibate
I'd be willing to compromise and have sex even just once a week - but she won't consider it DEAR DEIDRE My sexless marriage is pushing me into an affair with another woman – I didn't sign up to be celibate Click to share on X/Twitter (Opens in new window) Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window) DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife's total lack of interest in sex is pushing me into an affair with another woman. I have tried talking to her about it, but she just told me to buy myself a male sex toy if I felt that frustrated. I've tried everything to make her want me again. I didn't sign up to be celibate, so is it wrong for me to look elsewhere for sexual fulfilment? I'm 42 and my wife is 44. We've been married for 15 years and have three children. We always had a healthy, regular sex life. But since our last child was born three years ago, there has not been any intimacy at all. She says she has no desire for sex and thinks our only focus should be on the kids. When I try to be affectionate in bed, she pushes me away, turns over and goes to sleep. The problem is, I still have a very high sex drive. I think about sex all the time, so I feel constantly rejected and frustrated. I don't want a best friend and co-parent I live with. I want a wife and a lover. I'd be willing to compromise and have sex even just once a week — as I've told her — but she won't consider it. I've never cheated on her and I don't want to leave her for another woman. But her refusal to have sex is making me start to think about straying. Dear Deidre: Understanding why your man's gone off sex When I mentioned this was where my brain was going, hoping it might push her into dealing with our problem, she just changed the subject. Recently, I've been going online and talking to another woman. She's also in an unhappy relationship and has made it clear her sex drive almost certainly matches mine. I'm now on the brink of arranging a time and a place to meet her. I can't stop fantasising about it. Would it be so wrong? DEIDRE SAYS: Sexual intimacy is an important part of marriage. It's unsurprising that your wife's lack of desire is making you unhappy. She may be content to 'shut up shop', but she seems to be in denial about the effect this is having on you. That's unfair. This doesn't mean an affair is a good idea, or a solution. It will only cause many more problems. It's your wife you want. So before jumping into bed with someone else, ask her if she'd agree to counselling so you can talk openly and honestly and try to find ways to resolve this. Contact Tavistock Relationships ( to make an appointment. If she won't agree to discuss this, then you need to think about whether your marriage has a future. Get in touch with Deidre Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. Send an email to deardeidre@ You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page. THANK YOU ON LEAVING ALCOHOLIC HUBBY DEAR DEIDRE: YEARS of being in an unhappy marriage with an alcoholic had left me depressed, lonely and with no hope for the future, so I wrote to you. All I had in my life was work, but because I had to pay for everything, my salary was gone before I knew it. My husband had driven all our friends away. We'd been married for 25 years. I'm 50 and he's 53. I tried talking to him about it, but he didn't listen. He clearly had no interest in me, only in his bottles of wine. As I blamed myself for being in this mess, I felt I couldn't burden my family with my woes. You were so sympathetic and understanding, reassuring me that the situation was not my fault. You advised me to see my GP and to reach out to my family and old friends, saying they would want to hear from me and that I needed human connections in order to change things. You also sent me your support pack, Dealing With A Problem Drinker. Finally, you gently suggested I might need to think about exiting my marriage. I've started saving up so I can eventually leave, and I've joined some local groups to make friends. Thank you, Deidre, for making me see I deserve better and have a future. DEIDRE SAYS: I'm so glad you're no longer resigned to a life of misery. I hope things continue to get better for you. TEENAGE TROUBLES DEAR DEIDRE: I HAVE a huge crush on a boy in the year above me at school. I know I love him, but there are so many prettier girls in his class, I don't think he'll ever feel the same. I'm 13 and he's nearly 15. Sometimes, I tell myself he's flirting with me but, really, I think he's just being friendly. I can't talk to anyone about this. My friends would tease me. I think about him so much, I can't concentrate at school. What should I do? DEIDRE SAYS: Crushes are very normal, so you have no need to feel embarrassed. It's best to get to know him as a friend and take things slowly. If you have common interests, perhaps you could casually suggest going to the cinema or grabbing a soft drink together. My support pack, Learning To Love, will tell you more about developing a relationship. TOXIC MOTHER HARMING MY KIDS LIKE SHE DID WITH ME DEAR DEIDRE: IS it time for me to cut my toxic mother out of my life for good? She has always bullied me and her behaviour is now affecting my kids, too. Last time we visited, she kicked us out of her house! I'm 38 and have three young children. My own childhood was miserable because she was so cruel. She made me feel useless, stupid and ugly. My older sister, on the other hand, could do no wrong. I left home at 16 because I couldn't stand it any more, and I've been independent ever since. But I've tried to maintain a relationship with her. I guess I'm always hoping she'll see I'm a good person who has made a success of my life and start being kinder. I'm jealous of my friends who have good, loving relationships with their mums. Last weekend, I took my children to visit her for her birthday. We made an effort to look nice and brought gifts. Within a few hours, she was being nasty, making racist remarks – one of my kids is mixed race – and had my youngest in tears. When I finally stood up to her, she threw us out of her house, saying we were trash. I've realised she is evil and will never change. I don't want her to destroy my children's self-esteem the way she destroyed mine. Would it be wrong for me to break off contact for good? DEIDRE SAYS: You've tried again and again to win your mother's love and respect. In return, she's treated you – and now your kids – appallingly. None of this is your fault. You're a strong, capable woman, in spite of her. Perhaps it's time to accept she won't change and that you'll never have the relationship you crave. Talking to a counsellor about this may help you to make a decision. My support pack, How Counselling Can Help, explains further. Get more advice from Family Action ( 0808 802 6666).
Scottish Sun
19-06-2025
- Lifestyle
- Scottish Sun
I'm having a baby with new boyfriend – but he abandoned me then got woman I loathe pregnant
We had a huge blowout about us moving in together and he stormed out — no goodbye, no explanation DEAR DEIDRE I'm having a baby with new boyfriend – but he abandoned me then got woman I loathe pregnant Click to share on X/Twitter (Opens in new window) Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window) DEAR DEIDRE: DISCOVERING I was pregnant by my new boyfriend was a welcome surprise and I really embraced the idea of becoming a mum. However, he has really shown his true colours by abandoning me and also getting a woman I loathe pregnant at the same time. Sign up for Scottish Sun newsletter Sign up I'm 36 and have always longed for a baby. I previously tried for years with a previous partner and even went through IVF on my own, but fertility issues left me with little hope. So I was delighted to discover that I am expecting. My boyfriend is 39 and we'd only been seeing each other a short while, but it didn't take long before the excitement set in. And I really thought we had a future together. Then we had a huge blowout because he was being evasive about us moving in together, and I said he would need to share the load of having a newborn. He stormed out — no goodbye, no explanation, he just vanished, leaving me to face everything alone. I was heartbroken. Just as I was beginning to feel excited about the baby again, he got in touch and dropped a bombshell. He'd got another woman pregnant. She's someone I've never liked. We share mutual friends, and she's always been sly — copying me, making passive-aggressive digs, even trying it on with an ex of mine. We've had our fair share of drama and arguments over the years. Now I feel betrayed all over again. I know technically we weren't together, but he knew how I felt about her. He says he wants to be involved with our baby and step up. But how can I trust him, especially when he's having a child with her too? Dear Deidre: Spotting the signs your partner is cheating DEIDRE SAYS: This is a lot to process, especially after everything you've been through to become a mum. Your ex didn't cheat but it's the emotional betrayal and timing that's so painful. Unprotected sex with someone he knows you dislike, so soon after leaving you, feels like a slap in the face. Does having him involved feel supportive or stressful? You have every right to set boundaries that protect your peace and wellbeing. Co-parenting is possible without rekindling a relationship. Talking to a therapist can help you decide what's best for you. Tavistock Relationships ( 020 7380 1960) can help. Get in touch with Deidre Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. Send an email to deardeidre@ You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page. GIRL MATE IS SINGLE AGAIN AND I WANT TO MAKE A MOVE DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER years of hiding my feelings, the girl I've always fancied is suddenly single – and now I'm wondering what I should do next. The last thing I want to do is overstep, but I'm terrified if I don't make a move I'll be stuck in the friendzone forever. I'm 27, she's 26, and we've always been close, but I never thought she saw me that way. She was with her boyfriend for a long time, so I kept my feelings to myself and stayed just friends. However, she's recently broken up with him, and I'm not sure what to do. I want to make my feelings known, but I'm worried she might just be looking for a rebound, and I don't want to be the one who gets hurt or used. At the same time, I don't want to wait too long and miss my chance. How do I tell her how I feel? I feel anxious even thinking about it. DEIDRE SAYS: It's normal to worry about being seen as a rebound, especially after someone has just left a long-term relationship. Take things slowly and be a supportive friend first. It's likely she'll probably need some time to heal. When the moment feels right, be honest about your feelings without putting pressure on her. While you can't guarantee that she will reciprocate, being genuine and patient gives you the best chance of building something meaningful. SCARED TO LEAVE ABUSIVE PARTNER DEAR DEIDRE: FOR years, I've been trapped in a toxic relationship with a man who controls every part of my life – emotionally, verbally and financially. Now I finally have the means to leave, I'm terrified. I'm 38, he's 42, we've been together over a decade and have two children. The last few years have been a living nightmare. He constantly puts me down, isolates me from friends, and lashes out in anger that sometimes get physical. I spend every day walking on eggshells, terrified of setting him off. I've wanted to leave so many times, but I've had no money, no support network. But recently, my grandmother passed away and left me an inheritance. It's not life-changing, but it's enough to get out. I feel paralysed by fear. What if I can't manage on my own? I want a better life for my children, but I don't know how to take that first step. Help. DEIDRE SAYS: You've shown incredible strength by surviving this long, and now you have a real chance to break free. It's normal to feel scared, but staying may cause more harm in the long run. Reach out to Women's Aid ( or call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247, who can help you plan your next steps safely. I'm sending you my pack, Abusive Partner?, which offers further support. PAL IN LOVE WITH A SEX OFFENDER DEAR DEIDRE: MY best friend has fallen head over heels for a convicted sex offender, and I'm terrified she's putting love before her child's safety. We are both 37 and have been friends since school. I've always known her to be a great mum to her ten-year-old daughter. But now I'm questioning her judgement. She met this man online about six months ago. Not long into dating, he told her he had a conviction for a sex offence that happened 'years ago'. He claims it was a misunderstanding and that he's a changed man. She believes him completely. Her family and I have tried to warn her to be careful, especially with her daughter at home, but she says we're being judgmental and that she knows him better than anyone. Now he's moved in with them, and I can't shake the feeling that something's not right. Should I leave her to trust her instincts, or is my sense of duty to protect that little girl the right path? I feel torn. What should I do? DEIDRE SAYS: You're right to trust your instincts – when it comes to a child's safety, it's always better to be cautious. It's deeply worrying that your friend is ignoring your concerns. While people can change, sex offences are serious and not to be dismissed. You need to have a very frank conversation with your friend. Explain, firmly but compassionately, that while you love and care for her, you're extremely worried about her daughter's well- being. Let her know this isn't about judging her relationship but about protecting a child. If, after that, she still refuses to listen, you may need to consider raising a safeguarding concern with your local children's services. I'm sending you my pack, Worried A Child's At Risk?, which has further advice and resources.
Scottish Sun
19-06-2025
- General
- Scottish Sun
When I found myself caught up in a double life, you helped me find a way out
Struggling reader thanks Dear Deidre team after finding himself tangled in a double life - scroll down to see how YOU can submit any problem to our team THANK YOU When I found myself caught up in a double life, you helped me find a way out Click to share on X/Twitter (Opens in new window) Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window) DEAR DEIDRE: THANK you for helping me untangle the double life that was destroying me bit by bit. When I first wrote to you, I was 45 and completely exhausted. Sign up for Scottish Sun newsletter Sign up I was juggling two lives – one with my girlfriend and our two young sons during the week and another with my wife and daughter every other weekend. Neither woman knew about the other. To outsiders, I seemed like a man with a demanding job in the city, balancing family and work. The truth was far messier. My wife, who I'd been married to for 15 years, came from a culture where divorce is heavily stigmatised. We hoped having a child would fix things between us, but it didn't. Years of unhappiness led me to take a job over 200 miles away. That's when I met my girlfriend online. She had everything that my marriage lacked – she was warm, funny, and kind. When she became pregnant, I made the choice to live with her. But I never properly ended my old life. I didn't know how to. By the time I reached out to you, I had two little boys I adored, a woman I loved, and a growing mountain of lies. My daughter, then nearly 10, was starting to ask questions. I barely slept. I was snapping at everyone and hated the man I'd become. You made it clear these secrets couldn't last forever and that my children deserved to hear the truth from me – not find it out in ways that would break their trust. You also reminded me that staying in a toxic marriage wasn't helping anyone. Dear Deidre: Cheating and can you get over it You encouraged me to come clean with my wife and get support. I contacted a counsellor through Tavistock Relationships ( 020 7380 1960) who helped us navigate the transition. With your advice, I stopped spiralling. I found a way forward that considered everyone's wellbeing – not just my guilt. My wife and I began the process of separation and have now officially divorced. It was painful, but also freeing. Your support pack Worried About Mum and Dad helped me talk to my daughter and protect our relationship through the changes. After years of stress and deception, I finally feel like I've become the father and man I want to be – to all my children. I still have a long road ahead, but at least I'm no longer living a lie. Thank you. DEIDRE SAYS: I'm so glad you reached out and shared your story. Living a double life can be incredibly stressful, but by opening up, you took the crucial first step toward honesty and healing. Your situation is one many people find themselves in, especially when cultural pressures make separation feel impossible. Keeping secrets often causes more harm than good, especially for children, who pick up on tensions even when adults try to hide them. By choosing to be honest and seeking support, you've given your children and yourself a chance at healthier, happier, more trusting relationships. Your story also highlights why it's so important to face difficult truths sooner rather than later. Avoiding the conversation might feel easier at the time, but it only prolongs the pain and uncertainty for everyone involved. Open communication, even when it's hard, lays the groundwork for healing and rebuilding trust within families and relationships. There is no perfect way to end something, but there is a responsible one, and you've now started down that path.
The Irish Sun
19-06-2025
- General
- The Irish Sun
When I found myself caught up in a double life, you helped me find a way out
DEAR DEIDRE: THANK you for helping me untangle the double life that was destroying me bit by bit. When I first wrote to you, I was 45 and completely exhausted. I was juggling two lives – one with my girlfriend and our two young sons during the week and another with my wife and daughter every other weekend. Neither woman knew about the other. To outsiders, I seemed like a man with a demanding job in the city, balancing family and work. The truth was far messier. My wife, who I'd been married to for 15 years, came from a culture where divorce is heavily stigmatised. We hoped having a child would fix things between us, but it didn't. Years of unhappiness led me to take a job over 200 miles away. That's when I met my girlfriend online. She had everything that my marriage lacked – she was warm, funny, and kind. When she became pregnant, I made the choice to live with her. But I never properly ended my old life. I didn't know how to. By the time I reached out to you, I had two little boys I adored, a woman I loved, and a growing mountain of lies. My daughter, then nearly 10, was starting to ask questions. I barely slept. I was snapping at everyone and hated the man I'd become. You made it clear these secrets couldn't last forever and that my children deserved to hear the truth from me – not find it out in ways that would break their trust. You also reminded me that staying in a toxic marriage wasn't helping anyone. Dear Deidre: Cheating and can you get over it You encouraged me to come clean with my wife and get support. I contacted a counsellor through Tavistock Relationships ( With your advice, I stopped spiralling. I found a way forward that considered everyone's wellbeing – not just my guilt. My wife and I began the process of separation and have now officially divorced. It was painful, but also freeing. Your support pack Worried About Mum and Dad helped me talk to my daughter and protect our relationship through the changes. After years of stress and deception, I finally feel like I've become the father and man I want to be – to all my children. I still have a long road ahead, but at least I'm no longer living a lie. Thank you. MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE DEIDRE SAYS: I'm so glad you reached out and shared your story. Living a double life can be incredibly stressful, but by opening up, you took the crucial first step toward honesty and healing. Your situation is one many people find themselves in, especially when cultural pressures make separation feel impossible. Keeping secrets often causes more harm than good, especially for children, who pick up on tensions even when adults try to hide them. By choosing to be honest and seeking support, you've given your children and yourself a chance at healthier, happier, more trusting relationships. Your story also highlights why it's so important to face difficult truths sooner rather than later. Avoiding the conversation might feel easier at the time, but it only prolongs the pain and uncertainty for everyone involved. Open communication, even when it's hard, lays the groundwork for healing and rebuilding trust within families and relationships. There is no perfect way to end something, but there is a responsible one, and you've now started down that path. Ask me and my counsellors anything Every problem get a personal and private reply from one of my trained counsellors within one working day. Sally Land is the Dear Deidre Agony Aunt. She achieved a distinction in the Certificate in Humanistic Integrative Counselling, has specialised in relationships and parenting. She has over 20 years of writing and editing women's issues and general features. Passionate about helping people find a way through their challenges, Sally is also a trustee for the charity Family Lives. Her team helps up to 90 people every week. Sally took over as The Sun's Agony Aunt when Deidre Sanders retired from the The Dear Deidre column four years ago. The Dear Deidre Team Of Therapists Also Includes: Kate Taylor : a sex and dating writer who is also training to be a counsellor. Kate is an advisor for dating website OurTime and is the author of five self-help books. Jane Allton : a stalwart of the Dear Deidre for over 20 years. Jane is a trained therapist, who specialises in family issues. She has completed the Basic Counselling Skills Level 1, 2, and 3. She also achieved the Counselling and Psychotherapy (CPCAB) Level 2 Certificate in Counselling Studies. Catherine Thomas : with over two decades worth of experience Catherine has also trained as a therapist, with the same credentials as Jane. She specialises in consumer and relationship issues. Fill out and submit our easy-to-use and You can also send a private message on the
