3 days ago
'It took everything': former firefighter's road back from brink of self-destruction
Warning: This story discusses suicide and suicidal thoughts.
"Can't you just start doing the fun stuff you used to love doing?"
This is one of the most common questions Michael Brown gets asked, and his answer, with a sigh, is "if only it was that easy".
For 32 years, the man from Kiama on the NSW south coast has worked to save the lives of others, but 10 years ago he was suddenly left struggling to survive.
He worked as a firefighter, and during his deployment as a vertical rescue specialist, he was often charged with "body retrieval" of people who had died by suicide.
"Part of my job was finding those people," he said.
"A day could be, you know, I just found a deceased person and I've got to sit next to this person for three hours before the police investigation team can get there, and it's not so glamorous."
There have been many other emergency call-outs that have left their mark on him.
"Everything from house fires, bushfires, motor vehicle accidents, aeroplane accidents, lots of suicides. Pretty much a bit of everything, really," Mr Brown said.
For the longest time, Mr Brown was the same as others at his work, just a knockabout bloke keen to help the public during emergencies, but then it all changed.
He started struggling: the horrors of what he saw were hard to block out, and they often invaded his dreams at night.
Eventually, he was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), his past traumas grew, and he struggled to get through every single day.
The official description of PTSD is an anxiety disorder caused by very stressful, frightening or distressing events.
But Mr Brown describes it as a total breakdown of your nervous system.
"It leaves you feeling scared, anxious, depressed. It almost feels like a psychosis at times because you're imagining [things]," he said.
He started having flashbacks to motor vehicle accidents he was called to for his job, and the blood he saw.
"I would be in my car driving past a truck, and then I can see blood splattered all over the side of the truck, and that then leads to more visuals in my head," he said.
"PTSD just took away everything I had. I've had two failed marriages because of my PTSD; I'm estranged from two of my daughters because of my PTSD. I lost my job because of my PTSD."
He pushed away from his family, his friends and the world.
"My psychiatrist had even told me I'm the worst case of PTSD he's ever seen," he said.
"I just wanted to isolate, completely cut off from the world, because I was terrified to go outside of my house, terrified, I didn't trust anybody.
"Twice I tried to take my own life."
He was admitted to the hospital countless times during an eight-year period, sometimes spending up to four months there, but that was before he found the Veteran Surf Project in Gerringong two years ago.
As a child, Mr Brown had always been fascinated by surfing culture and his school books had been covered with pictures of famous surfers, but he never imagined that surfing would save his life.
He vividly remembers that first surf session two years ago, as former pro-surfer and VSP's founder, Rusty Moran, led a meditation session sitting on the sand.
"For me, sitting in front of an ex-pro surfer was something special, but then to see his face, that big smile, and I just thought, wow, I just feel hope, I feel this, this could be something," Mr Brown said
"It has been. It just turned my whole life around in the last two years, I haven't been to hospital and it's amazing."
He credits the program with saving his life, and he's now met a "lovely person" with whom he now lives.
"She's fantastic, and I'm slowly putting things back together in my life, and the surfing, I just live for it, it's my daily medicine.
The Veteran Surf Project delivers free surf therapy programs to veterans and first responders; it's "mental health by stealth", according to founder Rusty Moran.
He said veterans and first responders have a high drop-out rate from traditional psychology services.
"This cohort have trained into them the ability to be self-independent, so admitting that they need help and getting help from a psychologist goes against their grain," Mr Moran said.
"Often they'll suffer in silence and not even communicate with their spouse.
"The flashbacks [they have] make it feel like it's happening now."
VSP has a different approach to helping people with PTSD. It offers a safe space with people who have similar backgrounds, and they focus on something new - learning to surf - which gets them out of their trauma cycle.
"Research shows surfing can build up capacity so someone turns away from suicidal thoughts and suicide plans," Mr Moran said.
"There's some magic happening in the ocean."
VSP started in Gerringong in 2001, and it's based on research from the United States Naval Centre.
Participants are so focused on learning new surfing skills that the negative thoughts have to be pushed aside so they can focus.
"That self-belief [from learning new skills] allows them to self-regulate the automatic responses to PTSD," Mr Moran said.
The VSP program consists of a 10-week learn to surf course for new members, followed by continuing weekly sessions for program graduates.
PTSD is the most common mental health disorder after depression, and Friday, June 27, is PTSD Awareness Day.
For help in a crisis, call Lifeline 24 hours a day on 13 11 14, or Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636.
Warning: This story discusses suicide and suicidal thoughts.
"Can't you just start doing the fun stuff you used to love doing?"
This is one of the most common questions Michael Brown gets asked, and his answer, with a sigh, is "if only it was that easy".
For 32 years, the man from Kiama on the NSW south coast has worked to save the lives of others, but 10 years ago he was suddenly left struggling to survive.
He worked as a firefighter, and during his deployment as a vertical rescue specialist, he was often charged with "body retrieval" of people who had died by suicide.
"Part of my job was finding those people," he said.
"A day could be, you know, I just found a deceased person and I've got to sit next to this person for three hours before the police investigation team can get there, and it's not so glamorous."
There have been many other emergency call-outs that have left their mark on him.
"Everything from house fires, bushfires, motor vehicle accidents, aeroplane accidents, lots of suicides. Pretty much a bit of everything, really," Mr Brown said.
For the longest time, Mr Brown was the same as others at his work, just a knockabout bloke keen to help the public during emergencies, but then it all changed.
He started struggling: the horrors of what he saw were hard to block out, and they often invaded his dreams at night.
Eventually, he was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), his past traumas grew, and he struggled to get through every single day.
The official description of PTSD is an anxiety disorder caused by very stressful, frightening or distressing events.
But Mr Brown describes it as a total breakdown of your nervous system.
"It leaves you feeling scared, anxious, depressed. It almost feels like a psychosis at times because you're imagining [things]," he said.
He started having flashbacks to motor vehicle accidents he was called to for his job, and the blood he saw.
"I would be in my car driving past a truck, and then I can see blood splattered all over the side of the truck, and that then leads to more visuals in my head," he said.
"PTSD just took away everything I had. I've had two failed marriages because of my PTSD; I'm estranged from two of my daughters because of my PTSD. I lost my job because of my PTSD."
He pushed away from his family, his friends and the world.
"My psychiatrist had even told me I'm the worst case of PTSD he's ever seen," he said.
"I just wanted to isolate, completely cut off from the world, because I was terrified to go outside of my house, terrified, I didn't trust anybody.
"Twice I tried to take my own life."
He was admitted to the hospital countless times during an eight-year period, sometimes spending up to four months there, but that was before he found the Veteran Surf Project in Gerringong two years ago.
As a child, Mr Brown had always been fascinated by surfing culture and his school books had been covered with pictures of famous surfers, but he never imagined that surfing would save his life.
He vividly remembers that first surf session two years ago, as former pro-surfer and VSP's founder, Rusty Moran, led a meditation session sitting on the sand.
"For me, sitting in front of an ex-pro surfer was something special, but then to see his face, that big smile, and I just thought, wow, I just feel hope, I feel this, this could be something," Mr Brown said
"It has been. It just turned my whole life around in the last two years, I haven't been to hospital and it's amazing."
He credits the program with saving his life, and he's now met a "lovely person" with whom he now lives.
"She's fantastic, and I'm slowly putting things back together in my life, and the surfing, I just live for it, it's my daily medicine.
The Veteran Surf Project delivers free surf therapy programs to veterans and first responders; it's "mental health by stealth", according to founder Rusty Moran.
He said veterans and first responders have a high drop-out rate from traditional psychology services.
"This cohort have trained into them the ability to be self-independent, so admitting that they need help and getting help from a psychologist goes against their grain," Mr Moran said.
"Often they'll suffer in silence and not even communicate with their spouse.
"The flashbacks [they have] make it feel like it's happening now."
VSP has a different approach to helping people with PTSD. It offers a safe space with people who have similar backgrounds, and they focus on something new - learning to surf - which gets them out of their trauma cycle.
"Research shows surfing can build up capacity so someone turns away from suicidal thoughts and suicide plans," Mr Moran said.
"There's some magic happening in the ocean."
VSP started in Gerringong in 2001, and it's based on research from the United States Naval Centre.
Participants are so focused on learning new surfing skills that the negative thoughts have to be pushed aside so they can focus.
"That self-belief [from learning new skills] allows them to self-regulate the automatic responses to PTSD," Mr Moran said.
The VSP program consists of a 10-week learn to surf course for new members, followed by continuing weekly sessions for program graduates.
PTSD is the most common mental health disorder after depression, and Friday, June 27, is PTSD Awareness Day.
For help in a crisis, call Lifeline 24 hours a day on 13 11 14, or Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636.
Warning: This story discusses suicide and suicidal thoughts.
"Can't you just start doing the fun stuff you used to love doing?"
This is one of the most common questions Michael Brown gets asked, and his answer, with a sigh, is "if only it was that easy".
For 32 years, the man from Kiama on the NSW south coast has worked to save the lives of others, but 10 years ago he was suddenly left struggling to survive.
He worked as a firefighter, and during his deployment as a vertical rescue specialist, he was often charged with "body retrieval" of people who had died by suicide.
"Part of my job was finding those people," he said.
"A day could be, you know, I just found a deceased person and I've got to sit next to this person for three hours before the police investigation team can get there, and it's not so glamorous."
There have been many other emergency call-outs that have left their mark on him.
"Everything from house fires, bushfires, motor vehicle accidents, aeroplane accidents, lots of suicides. Pretty much a bit of everything, really," Mr Brown said.
For the longest time, Mr Brown was the same as others at his work, just a knockabout bloke keen to help the public during emergencies, but then it all changed.
He started struggling: the horrors of what he saw were hard to block out, and they often invaded his dreams at night.
Eventually, he was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), his past traumas grew, and he struggled to get through every single day.
The official description of PTSD is an anxiety disorder caused by very stressful, frightening or distressing events.
But Mr Brown describes it as a total breakdown of your nervous system.
"It leaves you feeling scared, anxious, depressed. It almost feels like a psychosis at times because you're imagining [things]," he said.
He started having flashbacks to motor vehicle accidents he was called to for his job, and the blood he saw.
"I would be in my car driving past a truck, and then I can see blood splattered all over the side of the truck, and that then leads to more visuals in my head," he said.
"PTSD just took away everything I had. I've had two failed marriages because of my PTSD; I'm estranged from two of my daughters because of my PTSD. I lost my job because of my PTSD."
He pushed away from his family, his friends and the world.
"My psychiatrist had even told me I'm the worst case of PTSD he's ever seen," he said.
"I just wanted to isolate, completely cut off from the world, because I was terrified to go outside of my house, terrified, I didn't trust anybody.
"Twice I tried to take my own life."
He was admitted to the hospital countless times during an eight-year period, sometimes spending up to four months there, but that was before he found the Veteran Surf Project in Gerringong two years ago.
As a child, Mr Brown had always been fascinated by surfing culture and his school books had been covered with pictures of famous surfers, but he never imagined that surfing would save his life.
He vividly remembers that first surf session two years ago, as former pro-surfer and VSP's founder, Rusty Moran, led a meditation session sitting on the sand.
"For me, sitting in front of an ex-pro surfer was something special, but then to see his face, that big smile, and I just thought, wow, I just feel hope, I feel this, this could be something," Mr Brown said
"It has been. It just turned my whole life around in the last two years, I haven't been to hospital and it's amazing."
He credits the program with saving his life, and he's now met a "lovely person" with whom he now lives.
"She's fantastic, and I'm slowly putting things back together in my life, and the surfing, I just live for it, it's my daily medicine.
The Veteran Surf Project delivers free surf therapy programs to veterans and first responders; it's "mental health by stealth", according to founder Rusty Moran.
He said veterans and first responders have a high drop-out rate from traditional psychology services.
"This cohort have trained into them the ability to be self-independent, so admitting that they need help and getting help from a psychologist goes against their grain," Mr Moran said.
"Often they'll suffer in silence and not even communicate with their spouse.
"The flashbacks [they have] make it feel like it's happening now."
VSP has a different approach to helping people with PTSD. It offers a safe space with people who have similar backgrounds, and they focus on something new - learning to surf - which gets them out of their trauma cycle.
"Research shows surfing can build up capacity so someone turns away from suicidal thoughts and suicide plans," Mr Moran said.
"There's some magic happening in the ocean."
VSP started in Gerringong in 2001, and it's based on research from the United States Naval Centre.
Participants are so focused on learning new surfing skills that the negative thoughts have to be pushed aside so they can focus.
"That self-belief [from learning new skills] allows them to self-regulate the automatic responses to PTSD," Mr Moran said.
The VSP program consists of a 10-week learn to surf course for new members, followed by continuing weekly sessions for program graduates.
PTSD is the most common mental health disorder after depression, and Friday, June 27, is PTSD Awareness Day.
For help in a crisis, call Lifeline 24 hours a day on 13 11 14, or Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636.
Warning: This story discusses suicide and suicidal thoughts.
"Can't you just start doing the fun stuff you used to love doing?"
This is one of the most common questions Michael Brown gets asked, and his answer, with a sigh, is "if only it was that easy".
For 32 years, the man from Kiama on the NSW south coast has worked to save the lives of others, but 10 years ago he was suddenly left struggling to survive.
He worked as a firefighter, and during his deployment as a vertical rescue specialist, he was often charged with "body retrieval" of people who had died by suicide.
"Part of my job was finding those people," he said.
"A day could be, you know, I just found a deceased person and I've got to sit next to this person for three hours before the police investigation team can get there, and it's not so glamorous."
There have been many other emergency call-outs that have left their mark on him.
"Everything from house fires, bushfires, motor vehicle accidents, aeroplane accidents, lots of suicides. Pretty much a bit of everything, really," Mr Brown said.
For the longest time, Mr Brown was the same as others at his work, just a knockabout bloke keen to help the public during emergencies, but then it all changed.
He started struggling: the horrors of what he saw were hard to block out, and they often invaded his dreams at night.
Eventually, he was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), his past traumas grew, and he struggled to get through every single day.
The official description of PTSD is an anxiety disorder caused by very stressful, frightening or distressing events.
But Mr Brown describes it as a total breakdown of your nervous system.
"It leaves you feeling scared, anxious, depressed. It almost feels like a psychosis at times because you're imagining [things]," he said.
He started having flashbacks to motor vehicle accidents he was called to for his job, and the blood he saw.
"I would be in my car driving past a truck, and then I can see blood splattered all over the side of the truck, and that then leads to more visuals in my head," he said.
"PTSD just took away everything I had. I've had two failed marriages because of my PTSD; I'm estranged from two of my daughters because of my PTSD. I lost my job because of my PTSD."
He pushed away from his family, his friends and the world.
"My psychiatrist had even told me I'm the worst case of PTSD he's ever seen," he said.
"I just wanted to isolate, completely cut off from the world, because I was terrified to go outside of my house, terrified, I didn't trust anybody.
"Twice I tried to take my own life."
He was admitted to the hospital countless times during an eight-year period, sometimes spending up to four months there, but that was before he found the Veteran Surf Project in Gerringong two years ago.
As a child, Mr Brown had always been fascinated by surfing culture and his school books had been covered with pictures of famous surfers, but he never imagined that surfing would save his life.
He vividly remembers that first surf session two years ago, as former pro-surfer and VSP's founder, Rusty Moran, led a meditation session sitting on the sand.
"For me, sitting in front of an ex-pro surfer was something special, but then to see his face, that big smile, and I just thought, wow, I just feel hope, I feel this, this could be something," Mr Brown said
"It has been. It just turned my whole life around in the last two years, I haven't been to hospital and it's amazing."
He credits the program with saving his life, and he's now met a "lovely person" with whom he now lives.
"She's fantastic, and I'm slowly putting things back together in my life, and the surfing, I just live for it, it's my daily medicine.
The Veteran Surf Project delivers free surf therapy programs to veterans and first responders; it's "mental health by stealth", according to founder Rusty Moran.
He said veterans and first responders have a high drop-out rate from traditional psychology services.
"This cohort have trained into them the ability to be self-independent, so admitting that they need help and getting help from a psychologist goes against their grain," Mr Moran said.
"Often they'll suffer in silence and not even communicate with their spouse.
"The flashbacks [they have] make it feel like it's happening now."
VSP has a different approach to helping people with PTSD. It offers a safe space with people who have similar backgrounds, and they focus on something new - learning to surf - which gets them out of their trauma cycle.
"Research shows surfing can build up capacity so someone turns away from suicidal thoughts and suicide plans," Mr Moran said.
"There's some magic happening in the ocean."
VSP started in Gerringong in 2001, and it's based on research from the United States Naval Centre.
Participants are so focused on learning new surfing skills that the negative thoughts have to be pushed aside so they can focus.
"That self-belief [from learning new skills] allows them to self-regulate the automatic responses to PTSD," Mr Moran said.
The VSP program consists of a 10-week learn to surf course for new members, followed by continuing weekly sessions for program graduates.
PTSD is the most common mental health disorder after depression, and Friday, June 27, is PTSD Awareness Day.
For help in a crisis, call Lifeline 24 hours a day on 13 11 14, or Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636.
