15-07-2025
I drank a Malört-infused beer. Here's how it tastes (oof).
New Belgium isn't resting on its laurels. Their Voodoo Ranger has helped make the Colorado outfit the best selling craft brewery in the country. Still, they're finding new ways to punish drinkers.
Naturally, when the good folks at Jeppsen's Malört heard about this, they saw an opportunity that could not be passed up.
Thus, we now live in a world where Malört isn't just the shot you avoid until your Chicago-adjacent buddies bully you into drinking one. It's also in a six pack of otherwise enjoyable IPAs. And the twist, beyond dropping a liquor that tastes like moss learned how to vomit into a perfectly good beer? Only one beer in the pack is tainted with Chicago Glory, and you have no idea which one it is.
Roll the dice and you've either got an 83 percent chance of a normal, perfectly solid pale ale or a 17 percent shot to get one that someone dropped a peppermint coated in motor oil and hair into (this seems harsh on Malört. Do not feel bad for them. They know what they did).
Here's what I looked like failing my roulette IPA task. WARNING: Language is NSFW, because I am drinking Malört. I truly apologize for the face I am making in the freeze frame below.
New Belgium came up with a brilliant, terrible idea. IPA roulette. Six beers. 5 are regular Voodoo Ranger. The sixth? MALORT INFUSED IPA. and you don't know which is which.
did my unlucky ass immediately pick the MALORT on the first try? friend, I think you know the answer already
And here's my full breakdown on a gag beer that, honestly, is better than I expected (but still not good).
New Belgium Voodoo Ranger x Malort IPA: C-
God bless, this was the VERY FIRST BEER I PICKED. Every can looked the same, with zero indicator of the contents within. I made it a point not to smell it beforehand and... yep, peppermint motor oil and burnt hair. At first you think it's a regular beer, then you are quickly, harshly reminded it is not.
I will give credit where it is due. It works a little better than expected. It smells like something a doctor in a plague mask would rub on your stomach to assuage the humours causing your gout. It tastes like sandpaper feels. But there's something about the earthen quality to it that isn't terrible. It's not *good,* certainly, but it feels like it's better than it has any right being. It works with the bitterness of the hops instead of fighting against it.
It's still a novelty beer, but one that wouldn't be an awful addition to a lineup of five ounce pours in a flight. 12 ounces? Too much. Waaaaay too much. But there's a minor Christmas ale influence to it that feels familiar beyond "I'm in Chicago and about to have the worst hangover of my life."
That's a lot of words to say it's not the worst thing I've drank for USA Today. Each burp, however, is a waking nightmare unto itself. I should not be allowed around people.
