Latest news with #breadwinner
Independent Singapore
20 hours ago
- General
- Independent Singapore
‘I fund holidays and nice things, but nobody does it for me': Singapore woman considers divorce as PR husband fails to pull his weight in marriage
SINGAPORE: A woman took to social media on Tuesday (Jul 22) to vent her frustrations about her marriage, saying she's seriously considering divorce because she can't count on her husband to do… well, anything. In a post on the r/asksingapore subreddit, the woman shared that she's been the main breadwinner throughout their entire marriage. 'I am pretty much the sole breadwinner since we got married, and I feel very annoyed by this because I fund holidays and nice things, but nobody does it for me. Why am I working so hard to fund things for everyone else?' she wrote. 'He is a PR, and I think there are some issues with finding a good, suitable, or compatible job here… but let's not go down that path.' She added that while her husband is technically a stay-at-home dad, he doesn't actually take on the responsibilities that come with the role. 'He is a SAHD who doesn't do any SAHD jobs, so frankly I don't really feel comfortable with my kid staying overnight with him or being taken overseas by him, because all he can do is play with the kid until he gets bored. Then it's just phone, computer, and they'll probably survive on McDonald's and pizza,' she said. The woman mentioned that although her husband has never cheated on her and is not a 'bad guy,' she has fallen out of love with him due to his shortcomings. She also shared that she doesn't want to stay in the marriage solely for the sake of their child, as she fears she would end up feeling 'unhappy and trapped,' adding, 'I [also] suspect there will still be some trauma caused to the kid regardless, since there is always some level of tension at home.' Not knowing how to handle the situation, she turned to fellow Reddit users for advice, asking if there were any support groups she could join or anyone she could speak to who might help guide her through the process. 'Sit and talk about it. Find a solution together.' Enraged that her husband made her shoulder the entire burden throughout their marriage, many users urged her to leave him. Some said they might have understood if he had simply failed to find a job, given how tough the job market is. But completely ignoring all stay-at-home dad responsibilities? That, they said, was simply unacceptable. A few even called him a 'leech.' One said, 'She didn't marry a man; she married a leech. And what responsibilities did this man contribute? Donating his sperm to bring about the kid?' Another commented, 'If you think clearly about it (which is tough to do when you're in that situation), you're already Dad and Mom to your kid and another kid (immature adult). At least if you leave, not only will you be happier and your mood a lot better, but you will also have a chance of getting a real dad for your kid, if you choose to later.' A third wrote, 'No offence, but what made you have a kid with this guy?' Still, despite all the backlash, there were a handful of users who weighed the situation much more carefully and advised the woman to seek professional help before ending the marriage. One wrote, 'Go for couples counselling to lay out your issues and work through them—it'll help whatever the outcome is. Probably the best way to approach things is to say, 'We need to get counselling' rather than 'I want a divorce.'' Another added, 'Love and marriage always require efforts from both parties; hence, communication with each other is important. My honest suggestion is to try and work it out. Sit and talk about it. Find a solution together. Just like how you guys solved past problems.' In other news, a man shared on social media that he is now having second thoughts about applying for a (Build-to-Order) BTO flat with his wife after she repeatedly lied about using a male online streaming app and spending over S$3,000 on virtual gifts. On Monday (Jul 21), he took to the r/SingaporeRaw subreddit to seek advice. In his post, he said that when he first caught her sending expensive gifts to male singers from China, she dismissed his concerns and deleted both the app and her messaging accounts so that he 'could not see their conversations.' Read more: Man reconsiders BTO plans after wife repeatedly lied about using male online streaming app and spending over S$3k on virtual gifts Featured image by freepik (for illustration purposes only) divorce question – with young kid and PR spouse byu/Firm-Highlight1267 inaskSingapore
The Sun
04-07-2025
- Entertainment
- The Sun
I know how it will sting Wayne Rooney that Coleen is now breadwinner – my men were put in their place financially, too
WHEN it comes to relationship experience, I am a self- declared scholar. Variety is the spice of life and I've had all kinds — big and small, serious and fleeting, good, bad, heartbreaking and passionate, and sometimes even indifferent and insignificant. 8 8 8 But the one thing that has remained constant in my adult life — dating back as far as my early 20s — has been the fact that I have always earned more than the men I've been with — I've more or less always been the main breadwinner. And the news this week that the relentlessly loyal Coleen Rooney may soon overtake hubby Wayne in the earnings stakes brought me great joy. She has had massive success over the past few months, thanks mostly to her stint on I'm A Celeb. Her business ventures are booming far past those of Wayne, who was reportedly on £500k a year as Plymouth Argyle manager before he left at the end of last year. Oh my, how the tables have turned. Long gone are the days when Coleen was a mere gymslip of a girl dedicated to her undeniably plain but talented school boyfriend, Wayne, whose star was so sharply in the ascendence that there was no hope in hell that she would be able to keep up with his fame, let alone his finances. And yet she went on to raise four lovely boys and keep a stable and consistent home for her hubby while he was pushing the marriage fidelity boundaries over and over again. Throughout, Coleen stayed loyal and true to herself and steadfastly put up with all his shenanigans over decades. That must really suck She maintained a dignified silence while gradually starting to carve out her own career on the sidelines. Wayne, on the other hand, who was always used to the adoration and adulation of football fans, is now a not overly successful jobbing football manager for minor clubs, while Coleen walked away from her stint in the TV jungle to the sound of success and more lucrative work offers. Ouch. That must really suck for him, despite his popularity as one of the many ex-pros on the TV punditry merry-go-round. He is probably mighty proud of Coleen, but Lord, it must really sting to be known as Mr Coleen Rooney after all this time. I bet even he couldn't have foreseen this turn of events. And Coleen is not the only one. Hailey Bieber — formerly of fairly sparse and sporadic Baldwin fame — is now a billionaire thanks to selling off her cosmetics company and achieving fame in her own right. Meanwhile, her pop star hubby Justin is more often than not seen looking dishevelled and lost leaving the gym or just smoking a bong because he's got nothing much else to do. Then there's Kim K, who we all thought might be in it for the fame and the pay- day when she tied the knot with Kanye, but she is now the one basking in the glory of her own sunshine and bathing in squillions, while her ex has been cancelled and is but a vague memory. And without wishing to exaggerate her success, Duchess Meghan of Sussex is trying to make a killing selling raspberry jam in the hope that Jeff Bezos starts to stock her goods, while Harry, the spare heir, is mostly sitting around twiddling his thumbs wondering what he can moan about next. Traditionally, we have the view of women that some will attach themselves to a wealthy man, regardless of the personal price they may pay. Like Anna Nicole Smith, whose oil tycoon husband J Howard Marshall — 63 years her senior — passed away the year after they married in 1994. She got a lot of flak for that. Sometimes there is no price to pay. The man they fall in love with just happens to be a billionaire. But there are men out there who have no qualms about living off a woman. Enjoying a champagne life- style on lemonade money. 'Love has nothing to do with money' is something only ever said by those without it, but attaching themselves to it. My own personal experience in this field is quite extensive and has instructed me over the years that men — many men — love the idea of a woman who is financially and professionally independent. They love a strong woman, especially one who isn't needy or desperate or weak or helpless. They admire a woman who stands on her own two feet or who runs her own race. A woman who makes her own decisions and is capable of not needing a man and instead chooses to be with one is sexy as hell. Some even claim it's a major turn-on. Well, that's what it says on the tin, anyway. If you dig a little deeper, it tends to be a little more complicated. For men. The reality soon starts to grate, intimidate and emasculate — because money is so closely associated with power, and men often feel it is their human and societal right. Having a woman own that power by herself becomes very jarring. And I can only imagine if, like Coleen, a woman usurps that financial position, it means that the man will feel 'less than'. Maybe less manly, less powerful, less able. Who knows? They love a strong woman, especially one who isn't needy or desperate or weak or helpless. As women, we are expected to accept the reverse. We are supposed to naturally assume the role of being the person who earns less — because that's just the way it's always been. I've been married three times and none of my husbands earned more than me. None of them were considered wealthy in their own right. I have no idea whether the appeal for them was my bank balance or my ability to make a mean moussaka. I know money wasn't a thing for my first hubby, who knew me when I was a 'nobody'. Obviously, my ability to earn good money made for an easier relationship in many respects. We didn't have to suffer economic uncertainty. The world was our oyster. 8 8 This was most likely facilitated by my approach to life — that what I gained was also the collective gain. I worked hard for 'us'. I was in one relationship where the disparity was so stark that the situation became unsustainable because the other person did not work. This meant I felt huge resentment towards him for quite plainly and unashamedly 'living off me'. A great sign of the times now is that it's less rare to see a man together with a wealthier woman, though it's still not that common. Financially inferior For some reason, we always 'admire' a man for having the ability to be in a financially inferior position. We always say it takes a 'big man' to stick that out. Which is an insane idea, because women do it all the time, and we're never applauded for managing to be with a richer man than ourselves. No, we're castigated for it, often with claims that we're lazy. This is probably why many men struggle with it. Not all, but many. They see it as a kind of subordination, that they are lower in rank and status — and perhaps, most of all, in importance. And we all know men like to feel important. To be a 'kept man' is seen as possibly the weakest thing a chap can be. Traditionally, when a man has more money, it's often his greatest way of keeping a woman in the relationship. He knows that because women often fear economic vulnerability, they will tend to stay rather than up and leave. It's a man's silent weapon. Wealth so often weaponises relationships. For a man to surrender that power and be at the financial behest of a woman will forever be viewed as admirable. Of course, we still all have affection for Man United and England legend Wayne — he will always remain in our footballing consciousness. But it might be interesting to see if the shift in balance changes the dynamic of his marriage to Coleen. She always seems to call the shots, so I suspect there will be no change in that regard. Here's hoping he will have the humility to accept his wife's change in financial fortune and that he can keep up with her, because I reckon we will be seeing more and more of this as women alter the narrative, at work and in society. To paraphrase Aretha Franklin, sisters really are doing it for themselves.
BBC News
20-05-2025
- General
- BBC News
Why money and power affects male self-esteem
What we earn can affect our mental wellbeing, especially when we compare ourselves to those around us – and it can negatively influence male mental health. "It stings your pride a little bit that your wife's the one out making all the money," said Dave, of his status as a stay-at-home dad. "I'm, you know, a guy's guy... you tell them you stay home, and... they think you're some feminine dude," said Tom. Both were participants in an in-depth research study where both men and women were interviewed about the impact of the women in the relationships being the breadwinners. Another, Brendon, had good reason to feel judged: family members labelled him "the house bitch". These are but three examples of the judgement experienced by men who don't have jobs outside the home, and whose female partners are the primary earners. In the study, the men said they felt judged partly because it's long been assumed that men are the main breadwinners in society. However, an increasing number of women are outearning their male partners, and this gradual rise of female breadwinners is revealing that who earns the money has lasting and influential impacts on power dynamics both at home, and in wider society. A key reason these changing family dynamics are so influential is because money is so closely tied to power. When men aren't the highest earners in their household – but are expected to be by some sections of society – it can lead them to feel disempowered, decreasing mental wellbeing and even increasing the likelihood of divorce. Overall, men still tend to outearn women and among married couples with children, and women do more childcare and housework than men, a stubborn discrepancy found globally. In part this is thought to be due to gender expectations, but in some cases it may also reflect an economic necessity where the higher earner's career tends to be prioritised, so women are more likely to step back into part-time, flexible the increase in breadwinning women, gender attitudes to paid work and roles at home have been slower to change. Even if women are the higher earners, they still do more housework and childcare than lower-earning male partners. And while among some age groups there's been an increase in support for gender equality, men still show lower satisfaction if they are out-earned. An increasing body of research shows that it can affect a man's self-esteem and happiness if their female partner earns more than them. But how serious is the problem really? And what can be done to help men adjust to their new reality? It's a little taboo for men to even talk about the impact of their female partner becoming the breadwinner. They might feel supportive of their partner's career, whilst at the same time feeling that they aren't fulfilling their role as "breadwinners" because many outdated assumptions of masculinity remain prevalent. This is especially true when men inadvertently become stay-at-home fathers due to job loss or relocation, rather than choice. Harry Bunton, an ex-consultant and now rising social media influencer based in Sydney, Australia, recently lost his job. He posted on social media afterwards to thousands that his "values as a man, husband and father" were impacted. "It makes sense to me why there's such a high rate of depression, and worse, in that population. When things don't go to plan it can be really devastating and can really challenge your ideas of what it means to be a man," Bunton wrote. "My hope is that sharing this story is that people can identify with it and their value isn't predicated on events like this… I feel almost empowered to be the dad that I want to be." While Bunton took a positive approach to the change in his lifestyle, he exemplifies that how much a man earns relative to his partner can affect their mental wellbeing. For instance, one recent study of heterosexual couples in Sweden looked at 10 years of earnings data as well as mental health diagnoses to look for patterns. The researchers found that at the point when wives began to outearn their male partners, there was an uptick in mental health diagnoses among men. While there was an increase of up to 8% in mental health diagnoses for all participants whose partners earned more – including women – there was a more pronounced rise of up to 11% for men overall. I spoke with Demid Getik, an assistant professor in the Economics Department at Durham University who led the study, to find out more. He told me that while we may no longer hear it explicitly stated that the man should earn more, these expectations are still highly prevalent. The increase in mental health diagnoses in men whose partner has begun earning more, says Getik, could also be an indication that these couples are showing decreased relationship satisfaction, though his data did not specifically assess this. Meanwhile other research has shown that the husbands of higher-earning women are more likely to cheat, which the authors say may be a way for them to reassert their masculine identity – one which has been threatened by their breadwinning wives. Research also points to the idea that the pressure on men to be providers is a contributing factor to their wellbeing. When men are out of work, they have been shown to have higher rates of depression compared to out-of-work women. One possible explanation is women tend to have stronger social ties outside of work compared to men. Stay-at-home dads are therefore often more isolated than stay-at-home mums. When it comes to understanding why wellbeing is so closely tied with what we earn, it helps to correct a misconception. While female breadwinners are often stereotyped as high-powered and career driven, in many couples with female breadwinners, it's a result of the man losing his job – leading to economic stress. That's especially prevalent given that research shows that in couples where only the woman is working, the average household wage is lower compared to couples with breadwinning men, in line with the gender pay gap. This led Helen Kowalewska, an assistant professor in the Department of Social Policy and Science at Bath University, and her team to suggest in a research paper that "most countries are not working hard enough to compensate for the female breadwinner earnings penalty". In this situation, where the entire household ends up with a lower income, she argues that welfare systems should be doing more to help. Not all bad However, when men step back from paid work it can also have positive impacts on the family. In the UK, fathers are spending more time with children than in the past in general, and research shows that stay-at-home dads tend to spend more quality time with their children. As can be expected, stay-at-home dads do more childcare than breadwinner mums or dads. But they typically don't increase their share of the house work – it's only roughly equal in this scenario. In all other set-ups, women do more, according to a 2023 Pew report of US data. Despite many countries having minimal paternity leave available, when fathers do take paternity leave, marital satisfaction can increase, as can father involvement in childcare – even when fathers return to work. Dads who take parental leave show greater bonds with their children, who will, in turn be more likely to grow up witnessing a more equitable division of labour. It follows that how parents divide housework will go on to shape what their children expect later in life, too. A more equitable division of labour at home also helps women pursue careers more easily and therefore increase their earning potential. But the benefits to women of these societal shifts go further. In a study looking at Mexican households, a team found that the more work opportunities that women have outside the home, the more power they have in other domains, too. In other words, they gain more bargaining power over larger financial decisions. This tallies with other research. If a woman is empowered financially where historically she has been disempowered, naturally it can have a positive impact on her earning power, her autonomy and her career. When norms are changed and it becomes routine for men to step back from work for family commitments, it can increase the wellbeing of the whole family. Swedish data for instance shows that when paternity leave was first introduced and fathers were given a so-called "daddy month" in 1995, the initial cohort of men who took this leave experienced reduced marital stability and the likelihood of separation increased. When the policy increased the amount of leave available to two months in 2002, this was no longer the case. Today, Swedish parents have three months available each in a use-it-or-lose it policy, and the rates of uptake for dads, as you would expect, are high. In fact, it's taboo for dads to skip this allotted parental leave. (Read more about this from the BBC.) While there is a greater awareness of the importance of empowering women today, attitudes remain polarised. A recent Ipsos survey by King's College London, found that the youngest generation polled – Gen Z, who were aged between 18 and 28 at the time – were the most divided. A global poll of almost 24,000 individuals found that young men were more likely to agree with the statement that a father who stays home to look after his children is "less of a man". While 28% of Gen Z men agreed to this, only 19% of Gen Z women did. In all other age groups, the figure was lower. When asked to respond to the statement: "Men are being expected to do too much to support equality" 60% of Gen Z men agreed, compared to 38% of Gen Z women. Among baby boomers this figure dropped to 44% and 31% respectively. Heejung Chung, professor of work and employment at King's College London and one of the report's authors, told me that one reason these attitudes are creeping in is because young women are now more likely to be university educated than young men. Perhaps as a consequence, she says, women in their early twenties earn slightly more than men. For the first time, there are now more female doctors than male doctors in the UK. "We do see a lot of signs of gender parity in certain areas," Chung explains, and these younger individuals aren't perhaps experiencing the wider inequality that many women still face today – leading to a view that some boys "are falling behind." Another reason for this division in attitudes towards equality could be that ideas around what masculinity represents are changing, but not everywhere. Rosie Campbell, a professor of politics also at King's College London, has authored research which found a growing divide in attitudes about masculinity, particularly among the younger generation. For example, men and women disagree on things like whether it's harder to be a man than a woman today. She explains that "feminism is supposed to be about gender equality for men and women. Of course, it's got the term feminine in the title and that can sound quite exclusionary". Campbell therefore advocates for more open conversations with young people, especially at school, about what the terms feminism and masculinity mean. "We need to think more about how we communicate to young men about what it is to be a man today, and what kind of role models they have," she says. This is especially important when considering the increasing misogynistic influences online, as portrayed recently on the Netflix drama Adolescence. (Read more from the BBC about the best TV shows of 2025 so far.) Despite these findings, Chung and her colleagues' latest survey shows that most agree that achieving gender equality matters. There is also a small but growing body of research that shows men are changing their understanding of masculinity and fatherhood, to one that involves caring, empathy and other softer skills that are typically deemed feminine – as opposed to assuming manhood means earning more to look after your family. This has since been dubbed "caring masculinities". 'It's not just about men doing that fun stuff that's really rewarded. It's about them getting into those kinds of messy, gritty parts of care-work', says Karla Elliott, a gender scholar from Monash University in Melbourne, Australia. Her work shows that taking on more of these practical caring tasks leads to a more nurturing disposition. Elliott explains that for this new conception of masculinity to spread, as well as taking on more care, men also need to disavow domination and inequality. Some researchers are arguing that policies that increase paternity leave – and specifically earmark leave for men – can help them to increase their focus on care. This could in turn put less onus on men as providers and help women to earn more. More like this:• The gender biases that shape our brains• Indigenous mothers are being 'failed' in Australia• How an objective measure of pain could counter bias in medicine Policy changes can take time to filter though, so one solution we can all enact is to voice positive messages about our changing expectation of what our roles in society are. "There's a big opportunity here: if men are feeling that their self-esteem is impacted by their partner's earning, that's a great chance for men to reflect on why they're feeling that way, and potentially challenge some of the ingrained ideals about gender roles," says Elliott. Given that female breadwinners are increasing in number, with time this economic shift could become normalised, meaning that among couples with children, men will need to adapt accordingly by increasing flexible working and caregiving. This will in turn help empower their higher-earning wives to pursue their careers. And while it will take time, these changing attitudes could pave the way to minimising the male breadwinner, female homemaker expectation, increasing relationship satisfaction and creating a healthier power balance in the process. * Melissa Hogenboom is a BBC health and science journalist and author of the upcoming book Breadwinners (2025) and The Motherhood Complex -- For trusted insights into better health and wellbeing rooted in science, sign up to the Health Fix newsletter, while The Essential List delivers a handpicked selection of features and insights. For more science, technology, environment and health stories from the BBC, follow us on Facebook, X and Instagram.
