Latest news with #codependency
Forbes
a day ago
- General
- Forbes
3 Signs Your ‘Over-Functioning' Habit Is Draining You, By A Psychologist
Being the one who 'has it all together' can come at a cost, and always keeping busy doesn't ... More necessarily mean you're thriving. Here's how to tell if you're over-functioning. If you constantly find yourself in situations where you pick up the slack, step in before anyone asks or feel like things will fall apart unless you handle them, it's possible you might be 'over-functioning.' This usually happens when you take on more responsibility than you're supposed to, and it can show up in your relationships, at work or even in everyday situations with strangers. It can look like being dependable. However, it often comes from anxiety, guilt or a need to prove your worth by being useful. While on the outside you may look like you've got it all under control, underneath, you may feel tired or even resentful due to the weight of carrying too much, especially if you feel that your efforts go unnoticed. This resentment sets in because deep down, you cross a line between care and self-sacrifice. Over-functioning can be hard to spot because it's often praised or mistaken for strength, but it's essential to realize how it impacts you before you burn out completely. Here are three signs to help you recognize when you're over-functioning in life. 1. You Feel Responsible For Other People's Emotions And Problems Jumping in to fix things when someone's upset might look like compassion or care but often, it can be a sign of over-functioning or codependent behavior. This can look like constantly trying to manage others' moods, feeling anxious if someone is hurting or believing it's your job to keep everyone emotionally regulated. This pattern can stem from emotional enmeshment, when your sense of peace depends on how others are feeling. What you may not realize is that what starts with care can often lead to resentment and in many cases, even burnout. Research published in Contemporary Family Therapy explored the concept of differentiation of self, a central idea in Bowen's Family Systems Theory. This describes a person's ability to stay emotionally connected to others without becoming emotionally fused with them. Bowen believed that individuals from families with low differentiation tend to absorb others' emotions, feel overly responsible for others' well-being and struggle to maintain their emotional boundaries, which leads to anxiety and over-functioning. To study this, researchers surveyed university students using psychological questionnaires measuring their levels of emotional reactivity, fear of negative evaluation and physical stress symptoms. The results showed that students with low differentiation — those who were more emotionally enmeshed with others — experienced higher social anxiety, fear of judgment, stress and more somatic symptoms like headaches, fatigue or physical tension. This makes it all the more important to create emotional differentiation. You need to build on the ability to stay grounded in yourself while being connected to others. Caring for others does not mean losing yourself in their world. Start by noticing when you're reacting from anxiety rather than true empathy. Ask yourself, 'Am I helping because they need it or because I can't tolerate their discomfort?' This way, you can break the cycle of over-functioning in your relationships and show up more sustainably for the people you love. 2. You Struggle To Rest Without Guilt For many people who over-function, rest doesn't come easily. You may not even see it as a basic need but as a reward; something you only deserve after doing everything and more. This is especially true when you tie your self-worth to how productive and useful you are. You may find it difficult to relax or judge yourself as 'lazy' for resting. This pattern often goes beyond external expectations and is rooted in internal pressure, where doing more becomes a way to prove your value or avoid the discomfort of slowing down to sit with yourself. A 2018 study published in Frontiers in Psychology explored how certain aspects of perfectionism might contribute to sleep disturbances, particularly insomnia. Researchers focused on how concerns over making mistakes and having doubts about one's actions were associated with emotional and cognitive arousal at bedtime. They found that individuals high in these traits experienced more severe insomnia. This was mediated by the frequency of counterfactual emotions, specifically regret, shame and guilt, that tend to surface at night. These emotions often arose from mentally replaying perceived shortcomings or unresolved tasks from the day, which lead to emotional hyperarousal, a well-established risk factor for sleep problems. If you hold yourself to perfectionistic standards, rest may start feeling less restorative and more of an irresponsible decision. This usually stems from self-critical thinking and the constant pressure to measure up. To shift from this perspective, begin by reframing rest as something you inherently deserve. Start with small acts of intentional rest, even if they feel uncomfortable at first. If you're used to over-functioning; always doing, anticipating or fixing, slowing down can feel unfamiliar or even unsafe. However, you need to constantly remind yourself that rest is not a threat to your worth or usefulness. In fact, taking a pause when needed and taking care of yourself ensures you do not burn out and are able to function at your best in the long run. 3. You Micromanage Or Feel The Need To Control Outcomes Micromanaging often looks like being detail-oriented or deeply invested. However, if you often struggle to delegate, feel uncomfortable when others take the lead or constantly step in to fix things even when it's not your job to, you may be stuck in a pattern of over-functioning. If you believe that everything will fall apart unless you handle it yourself, you're not just trying to be helpful; you might be trying to protect yourself from the discomfort of uncertainty, failure or being perceived as not enough. In a longitudinal study published in Counseling Psychology, researchers examined how perfectionism and perceived control interact to influence long-term mental health. They studied over 150 adults over four years. Initially, participants completed assessments of two forms of perfectionism, self-critical perfectionism (harsh self-judgment and fear of mistakes) and personal standards perfectionism, as well as measures of anxiety and depression. Three years later, they recorded their daily sense of control over stressful events for two weeks. A year after that, their anxiety and depression levels were assessed again. The researchers found out that individuals with high self-critical perfectionism who also felt low control over their daily stressors were significantly more likely to experience increased anxiety and depression over time. This effect was not found in those with high personal standards of perfectionism. The results showed that when people hold themselves to unforgiving standards but feel unable to manage stress effectively, their risk for emotional burnout and chronic distress increases. This also highlights how internal pressure to stay in control can be emotionally costly. This reflects the internal cost of over-functioning. If you feel responsible for everything but also doubt your ability to handle it all, you may overcompensate by trying to control every outcome in ways where you micromanage, overextend or avoid delegation, all of which can lead to burnout. It is imperative to step out of this pattern for your own well-being. To do so, start by recognizing that control doesn't equal safety, and doing more doesn't always mean doing better. Sometimes, the bravest thing you can do is to pause and delegate, allowing things to unfold without rushing in to fix them. Over-functioning often hides in compulsions, where you feel the need to be the one who cares the most, does the most or anticipates the most. While it may feel noble on the outside or even necessary, beneath it all, there are unhealthy patterns of wanting to constantly manage, prove or fix. What you lose sight of is the fact that this way of living can gradually erode your emotional reserves, especially your sense of vitality, playfulness and joy. Stepping out of over-functioning is about reclaiming your inner sense of peace without tying it to how much you hold up or hold together. Remember that you deserve to be supported too, and not just relied upon. Curious how much overthinking is fueling your over-functioning? Take the research-backed Perseverative Thinking Questionnaire to uncover your mental loops and start taking back control.
Washington Post
12-06-2025
- General
- Washington Post
Ask Sahaj: I'm worried my son's girlfriend is isolating him from his loved ones
Dear Sahaj: We have a 33-year-old son who appears to have a codependent relationship with his White American girlfriend. Since they have moved in together, he has reduced his communication with friends, moved to another state in pursuit of adventures and reduced the quality of his connection with us. Visits to our home have been designed around her interests only, and he visits us only with her. She shows little or no interest in anything family-oriented except when we take them out for dinner or an event where we pay for the tickets. She has stopped showing interest in our Desi culture. She wouldn't even take her Christmas gift (she left it under the tree). She insists on bringing her cat along and is not willing to rehome the cat when my husband, who is under a cancer treatment, developed life-threatening allergies. With my son's help, she has retrained as a data analyst and is now well-employed, which we thought was good for their relationship. We have diplomatically drawn boundaries, but her lack of interest in being part of our family and behaving like a difficult guest (without saying anything as my son speaks for her) is concerning. This last visit, she left without saying goodbye, and we found that quite ungracious. She also left the room and bathroom a mess with her cat's litter; it smelled awful. We offered to pay to board the cat during their visit, but my son said the cat could get depressed. We are a welcoming and generous — to a fault maybe — Desi family who enjoy our children hanging out with us. We are concerned about the social and physical isolation our son's life has become. He is unable to speak up for himself or address the issues. — Welcoming to a Fault Welcoming to a Fault: You have to separate your son's choices from his girlfriend's influence. He chose to move, to help her retrain and to go on adventures with her. He may not be 'unable' to speak up (especially since you say he speaks for his girlfriend); he may just be prioritizing his relationship. That can be painful for you as a parent, especially in a family where interdependence and close-knit ties are the norm. But adulthood sometimes looks like distance — not because love has disappeared, but because the terms of the relationship have changed. Tell your son, directly and privately, you are worried about losing him without making the conversation about his girlfriend being the problem. Instead, focus on him and point out specific behaviors you have observed rather than your feelings to help him feel less defensive. This means naming his distancing with something like, 'We love you and miss how things used to be. We know things change, but we feel disconnected from you.' If you're concerned he's uprooting from values you've taught him, you may even ask him: 'Do you feel like connecting to your Desi culture — through food or tradition — is still important to you?' This can help you understand why he may not be holding on to these values, and it could clue you into why his girlfriend is uninterested in your culture. She may just be following your son's lead. If your son does feel torn or dominated, he may not even realize how codependent the relationship has become. But pressuring him will likely push him further away so instead use open-ended questions: 'Are you okay? Are you happy? Have you been able to see or talk to [best friend's name] recently? Do you feel you're able to talk about your needs in your relationship?' If you gently hold up a mirror, he may be able to see what he's accepted as 'normal.' Checking in on your son gently will be key, because your emotions about feeling disconnected could be leading you to believe he's being isolated. You describe your son's life choices with more judgment than perhaps you realize — and that judgment might be part of what's straining the connection. Shift the lens from your son's girlfriend to considering your role in the dynamic that exists — the only part you can control and change. Ask yourself: What is it she and your son may be reacting to? What have you modeled, and how have you welcomed her — truly, not just logistically? Consider how you can build a bridge with his girlfriend. This may sound like, 'We want to continue to build a relationship with [girlfriend's name] but don't feel like our attempts have been working. Do you have any advice on what we can do or why this is so?' Regardless of how you approach this conversation, try to be mindful of offering love and curiosity, not criticism or blame. You may be a generous and welcoming Desi family, but generosity is more than providing dinners, tickets and hospitality. It's also emotional openness and curiosity about someone else's world. Even if your expectations are well-meaning, they may feel conditional or uncomfortable to someone else. You want to separate what is actually harmful and worrisome about this situation from what is simply different and unexpected. Still, being more emotionally open to your son's relationship doesn't mean you can't set some boundaries. I know firsthand that boundary setting may feel countercultural in Desi culture, but you have reached your limit with how you, your husband and your home are being treated. It's okay to tell your son and his girlfriend, 'We'd love to see you both again, but we can't host the cat here anymore. It's a serious health risk. We hope you understand.' Clear boundaries don't mean you are rejecting them — especially where health is involved. You're grieving a relationship that is changing, and that's okay. While you can't control your son's choices, you can keep your doors open and continue to show your love and support.
