Latest news with #difficultconversations
Fast Company
20-06-2025
- General
- Fast Company
6 emotions that come up in difficult conversations—and how to handle them professionally
Difficult conversations are something we tend to avoid at all costs. Whether it's about underperformance, conflict, a personal issue, or an unsuccessful job application, entering any difficult conversation triggers fear within ourselves and the person on the other end. Our brain's flight or fight mechanism is triggered, with emotions taking the lead, and we frequently find ourselves in defensive mode looking for a win. Whether it be after a keynote at a conference or in a workplace emotional intelligence program, I'm often approached by people who are struggling with difficult conversations. They're gripped with frustration, fear, and exhaustion when they need to initiate a conversation and address an issue (or, on the other end, when they feel the repercussions of a poorly handled situation). Dealing with emotions in difficult conversations While we've become more focused on emotional intelligence in recent years, we still have a long way to go when we initiate difficult conversations. The language and emotional undertone of the words we use can exacerbate the emotions a person is feeling—or help them own it, process it, and move forward. Here's how to have an emotionally intelligent response to the feelings that you may encounter when you begin a difficult conversation with another person, along with what to avoid. 1. Upset Being upset is no different from any other emotion in that it has appropriate and severe levels. We have higher severity levels when fear is driving our emotions, or it's something that means a lot to us. Sometimes, our hormones can also be out of whack, meaning that we cry more easily than others. Here's how to receive upset. Your best approach: Getting upset in front of others (especially at work) tends to be embarrassing. Respond to the emotion, rather than the message delivered. Ask: Would you like to take a break, go to the bathroom or get a support person? How can I best support you through this? Avoid: Saying 'I know how you must be feeling,' 'I know this can't be easy,' or 'I am not loving delivering this message either.' Avoid any sentence that starts with 'I' or is related to you. You don't know how your companion is feeling, nor should you assume you do. It's not about you at all. 2. Anger Anger is an intense emotion. Our mind is being driven by our emotional brain, so there is no logic in play. Quite often we can't (or won't) hear anything people are saying until the intensity decreases, or we have finished saying what we have to say. Here's how to receive anger. Your best approach: Listen and pause; let them get it off their chest. Once they have aired their frustrations, use the same approach as you would with upset: ask them if they would like to take a break or how you can best support them through this. If their anger becomes inappropriate, pause the conversation and let everyone take a break and regain control of their emotions. Avoid: Our fight or flight response is often triggered at this point, so our natural defense mechanism is ready for battle or protection. Don't defend or try to justify your reasoning or message: this will only make their anger response even more intense. Avoid responding with anger, too. 3. Denial When our mind doesn't like what we are hearing, we can sometimes go into total denial to avoid the emotions being faced and felt. We put up barriers in our mind to block emotions and truly convince ourselves that this isn't happening. Here's how to receive denial. Your best approach: Reiterate the facts and reality of the situation clearly and explain the next steps. Ask: Does what I told you make sense? Do you understand what this means and what comes next? Avoid: Some people take time to process and accept information. Trying to force them to do it instantly is never wise—and is likely to lead to more denial. Avoid getting frustrated, telling someone how to accept the conversation or making statements. Ask questions instead to help them process it in their head. 4. Meh When the care factor or emotional response is low, it can be very confusing. People tend to be 'meh:' the expression that they couldn't care less about what is happening. They might seem disinterested, or even like they aren't listening. Here's how to receive it. Ask: Do you have all the information you need? Do you understand the outcome, next steps, and expectations? How can I best support you from here? After this, it is best to end the meeting but keep an eye on them and revisit the conversation if required. Avoid: Don't try to make it a big deal if they seem unfazed. This might be a cover for a deeper emotion, or they might not have processed the conversation yet. Or it may simply not be a big deal to them. Don't keep them there and continue to talk until you get the reaction you want or expected. 5. Curiosity Tough conversations can spark many unanswered questions. Questions aren't a bad thing and are a part of effective communication. Here's how to actively listen to curiosity and answer questions. Ask: Are there any other questions or thoughts you would like to share? How are you feeling about the information? Do you want to talk about it? Avoid: This shouldn't be a one-way conversation. Don't end the conversation before they have finished or have enough answers and information. Avoid laughing at any questions or comments. 6. Positivity Sometimes, something we believe will be a tough conversation isn't one. For some people, it's a relief to have the conversation or to have the issue out in the open. For others, it's an actual win aligned to their priorities. Ask: Are you happy to share more about what you are feeling and why? Is there anything more I can do to support you? Keep an eye on them and revisit the conversation if required, especially if their emotions change. Avoid: A positive response can catch you off-guard, so it's important to manage your own emotions both visually and verbally. Avoid cutting the conversation short or assuming this positive response will stay positive. It may be a protective front, or other emotions may follow. Following the emotion through the conversation brings the human factor back into communication. While it can seem a drawn-out process or distraction, it will get us a better interaction, understanding and outcome.
Forbes
10-06-2025
- Business
- Forbes
Giving Feedback To Your Boss: 5 Tips On How Not To Become A Target
Giving feedback to your boss--a senior executive, your supervisor or an important client--can be a scary and intimidating prospect, especially if they didn't ask for your opinion and especially during a time that layoffs haunt the corporate world. But your perspective matters, and if you work in a culture under a higher-up who values their employees, they welcome feedback so they can keep a pulse on how workers are engaged and performing. Even if the company culture is uncertain, there are strategies for you to give feedback without making yourself a target. The process of addressing difficult conversations starts with your own fear of bringing up a sensitive matter with a person in authority. That's right. The fear of the consequences of being targeted troublemaker often causes employees and even sometimes higher-ups from addressing difficult conversations at work. It's tricky to know how or when to have difficult conversations and give important feedback to someone in authority. The key in these tough-to-navigate situations is to prepare yourself and to put your fears aside and think critically before you present your points, leveraging strong situational awareness and emotional intelligence. I spoke by email with Candice Pokk, senior consultant in the organizational effectiveness practice at HR consultancy Segal. Pokk says you can do a 'reverse performance review' in a way that's both productive and safe. She named five tips to keep in mind to navigate situations where you believe your feedback for higher-ups is essential, but you don't want to make yourself a target. Pokk suggests that you avoid what she calls 'the feedback sandwich' and simply start on a positive note. She states that you might consider sharing something positive that your boss spearheaded that worked well or mention the impact he or she has made on the organization before launching into your feedback. 'Most people are doing their best to make a difference in the organization,' she points out. 'Showing some enthusiasm for the things they do well and acknowledging where they got it right, before sharing what they can do better, can go a long way both maintaining the relationship and ensuring the feedback is received and implemented.' When you communicate from a place of care and concern for the higher good, your message is more likely to land in a positive way. Beginning with a criticism or a negative perspective could put the person in a defensive position, cause your feedback to fall on deaf ears and potentially sour your relationship. 'Before you share any feedback, make sure it's both helpful and appropriate for the recipient,' Pokk advises. 'It should also take into consideration the broader context and potential impacts of sharing the information." As an example, she recommends that if you're going to share feedback to a senior leadership team member, it should be relevant to that person's position and portfolio of work. 'Often feedback that you may initially think is critical for one person turns out to be better suited to someone else who has more direct day-to-day experience with the issue, yet still has authority over the work," she notes. 'You want your feedback to increase their engagement so make sure it's going to the right person.' She also cautions that there may be times when sharing the feedback is not going to yield a net positive for the person receiving it. In those instances, she recommends that you might be better served by saving your feedback for another time and place. Pokk stresses the importance of tailoring the feedback to the individual. She says you can do that by asking yourself if this is a person with whom you've had extended contact and have built lots of social capital and that knows you have their best interest at heart. If so, she explains that a candid dialogue would be appropriate. On the other hand, if this is someone with whom you have limited interaction, she warns that you may want to proceed with caution and consider asking yourself, might someone else be in a better position to share the information with this individual? 'Feedback should be given as close to the inciting incident as possible,' according to Pokk. 'Give it at a time when the recipient will be open to receiving the input and free of distraction. This is particularly critical when a specific or urgent situation arises. Waiting too long to provide the feedback can mean the opportunity to correct the situation is no longer an option or the individual may not recall the circumstances. In these instances, time is of the essence when providing the feedback.' She adds that you should keep in mind that no one wants to receive feedback in a public forum. 'Early in my career there were stories of an executive that used to take pride in very publicly sharing criticisms with their team during meetings,' she recounts. 'Needless to say, the feedback was not well received, and the executive's reputation was harmed in the process.' Pokk advises that you be extremely clear on your messaging and say it in a concise and constructive manner. 'Shorter is always sweeter,' she states. 'Rehearse ahead of time to ensure your message is succinct and doesn't include unnecessary details that distract from the point you want to get across.' Studies show the feedback that matters most to employees from their bosses is both positive and negative as long as it's constructive. Perhaps the so-called feedback sandwich isn't ideal, but being a good manager definitely requires giving balanced opinions on employees' work. Unwritten workplace rules that are unspoken cause miscommunication and disconnection between employers and employees. Communication and honesty are a reciprocal process, requiring balance between both parties. Pokk recommends a reverse performance review. So, when giving feedback to your boss, the best bet to get your point across with ease might be to use the science-backed findings of a balanced negative and positive perspective and a style similar to your employer's feedback system (assuming it's balanced) since their baked-in style is obviously familiar and comfortable for them.
