21-05-2025
4 Ways To Oversee Your Teen's Online Habits Without Overstepping, By A Psychologist
Concerned about how your kids are spending their time online, but unsure on how to approach them ... More about it? Here's a comprehensive beginner's guide, from a psychologist.
I've heard that some parents are hesitant to watch Netflix's Adolescence. I realize that it can be difficult to confront what the show depicts: kids getting pulled into the deepest, darkest corners of the internet, and the horrific repercussions that could follow.
As both a father and a psychologist, I completely understand why some parents might not want to see this played out in HD. (That said, I nevertheless think it's necessary. See here to learn why.)
The show is striking a nerve, and very rightly so. Adolescence captures a very unfortunate and palpable reality: that our children are growing up in a digital world that we can't quite reach, let alone even control.
In this sense, the importance of staying in the know about your child's digital environment cannot be overstated — not for the sake of being a perfect parent, but being a present one.
Here are four ways you can protect your child online without overstepping.
Today's teens live largely online. Their phones and computers are their greatest lifeline in terms of their interests and social life, just like the radio, home phone and mall food court were for us.
Whether you like it or not, you can't undo this technological reality. What you can do, however, is stay informed. This starts with understanding that online algorithms can — and will — actively shape what your kids see, who they talk to and how they think.
It's important to recognize that technology isn't necessarily a direct gateway to radicalization or harmful ideologies. As the Pew Research Center notes, social media is a great credit to teens' friendships, creativity, education and perceived support. However, it can still be a very emotionally charged environment.
So, parents need to grasp the wholesome ways that social media platforms can be used in conjunction with harmful ways. These are some of the most popular ones among teens:
As 2020 research from Technology and Adolescent Health notes, digital media poses a fair share of both risks and benefits to teenagers. Streaming, video games, social media, videos — they each offer affordances to emotion, cognition, identity, functioning and socialization.
At the same time, the study notes that their overuse is also associated with harmful targeted advertising, sexual predation and cyberbullying. Even more recent research from PLOS One in February 2025 notes that harmful misogynistic rhetoric has become prolific in some corners of the internet, which has led to visible changes in both young boys' and girls' behaviors.
The bottom line is that, if you've been uninformed until now, there's no way to truly know whether or not your child has been consuming harmful content. That said, if they've been overconsuming it to the extent that it's affecting their well-being, both above-mentioned studies suggest that there would be warning signs:
Many parents are inclined to spiral after reading words like 'warning signs' or 'radicalization,' but this isn't necessary. You don't need to become a helicopter parent to keep your kid safe, nor do you need to become the 'cool parent' who's fluent in TikTok trends or up to date on the latest 'skibidi' brain-rot.
What you do need, however, is a basic understanding of the online world your kids are living in.
That means starting with the basics. You need to have your own social media accounts, and you need to know how these apps work on your own terms. Most importantly, you need to get a sense of the kinds of content that gets pushed to end-users — especially the content you don't actively search for.
If this doesn't feel empowering enough for you, I'd also suggest starting an open phone policy: having unconditional random (or scheduled) access to your child's smartphone and social media accounts.
Should you choose this route, it's absolutely crucial that you never go behind your child's back. Instead, agree ahead of time that you'll check in occasionally, and be very clear about why you're doing it. You must be transparent about this policy, and you should never abuse it at the cost of trust. The goal shouldn't be to try and catch them doing something wrong, but simply to ensure others aren't influencing them to do so.
Just as important, however, is being the change you want to see. According to 2021 research from Computers in Human Behavior, parents' own smartphone use can shape how effective they are in guiding their children's use.
The study demonstrated that when parents were heavy smartphone users themselves, they felt less capable of overseeing their child's phone habits — no matter their genuine concerns regarding the risks of technology. In turn, that lack of control resulted in greater parent–child conflict.
In other words, if you're glued to your own phone, it will be considerably harder to set healthy boundaries without at least some resistance. Your kids are watching you; they will follow your lead.
If you do happen to spot something troubling — an out-of-character comment they left, a concerning motif in their search history or a pattern of content that seems a little off — don't jump to any conclusions.
One weird post isn't going to radicalize your child. It's more likely that they were just trying to understand what others are talking about, or feeding into a bit of morbid curiosity. That's only natural for teenagers.
Instead, treat them as what they are: competent and capable of critical thinking. From there, start a conversation:
These questions show them that you trust their judgment, while also giving you the necessary insight into how your child is engaging the media they consume. This matters so much more than the media itself (which they could very well have disagreed with).
Should you find they're not thinking very critically about what they've seen, then it's your time to start talking about values. Avoid any full-blown lectures if it isn't absolutely necessary, and try to opt instead for a fully two-sided conversation:
Conversations like these can be surprisingly eye-opening. You might come to realize that your kid is far more thoughtful, media-savvy or grounded than you gave them credit for. Or, you might find that they're just a little-off track — in which case, a gentle nudge in the right direction should do the trick. Either way, it's a parenting win-win.
Parenting requires constant adaptation and vigilance. Take this science-backed test to find out if it could be leading to burnout: Parental Burnout Assessment
