Latest news with #emotionalattachment
The Sun
03-07-2025
- General
- The Sun
I was having casual affair with married man – but we've now fallen for each other and I'm drowning in guilt
DEAR DEIDRE: FORBIDDEN sex is the most thrilling sort, but the married man I hoped to keep on the side has fallen for me – and I have done the same. I know things are about to get complicated. I'm 31 and have been with my boyfriend for four years. Things between us have been flat for a while. We barely talk any more, and I've felt invisible for months. So when I met a beautiful, charismatic man on a project at work, I couldn't help myself. He's 45, married with three young kids, and at first it was just a bit of flirty banter. But the chemistry between us was undeniable, and it wasn't long before things turned physical. The sex was out of this world — intense and so passionate. At first, he made it clear he wasn't looking to leave his wife, and I told myself I could handle that. Keeping things casual made sense for both of us. But no matter how hard we tried to fight it, it hasn't stayed that way. We've become emotionally attached. He messages me constantly, says he can't stop thinking about me, and has even started talking about a future together. Meanwhile, I'm still living with my boyfriend, going through the motions and drowning in guilt. I've lied to everyone around me, including myself. Part of me wants to believe it could work with him. But the other part is terrified it will all come crashing down. DEIDRE SAYS: You've been swept up in a passionate and intense affair, and while those feelings may feel real, they're unfolding in a situation built on secrecy, guilt and betrayal. Of course you crave passion when your current relationship feels flat, but an affair rarely provides the foundation for a lasting and secure relationship. Dear Deidre After Dark- Understanding open relationships As hard as it is to accept, the longer this continues, the more pain it's likely to cause for you and everyone involved. Even if he says he wants a future with you, walking away from his wife and children wouldn't be simple. There are deep emotional ties, practical complications and long-term consequences. It's time to be honest with yourself and your boyfriend. Ending that relationship respectfully is the first step towards a future free of dishonesty. I'm sending you my support pack, Moving On, to help you process this and find closure. PARANOID SAME-SEX PARTNER MAY STRAY DEAR DEIDRE: A SIMPLE bunch of flowers has completely derailed my confidence in my relationship. I'm 28, my girlfriend is 30, and we've been together for a year. This is my first serious same-sex relationship. She's openly bisexual and very outgoing, with loads of friends, including men. I've never had reason to distrust her. Last week, a guy she works with sent a bouquet to her desk after she helped him through a rough patch. She told me straight away and laughed it off, saying it was nothing – just a kind gesture. But I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I keep worrying that she's hiding something from me, and it's making me paranoid and anxious. She says I'm overthinking things, but I can't seem to shake this sinking feeling. Am I just being insecure, or is my gut trying to warn me? DEIDRE SAYS: It's understandable that the flowers triggered anxiety, especially as this is your first serious same-sex relationship. But your girlfriend was honest with you. That shows openness, not deceit. It's likely the gesture was innocent. What's important now is unpacking where your fear is coming from. Is it insecurity about her bisexuality or worry that she might leave you? Talk to her and work through these feelings together. My support pack, Dealing With Jealousy, should help. SON HAS NO HOME, HOW CAN I HELP? DEAR DEIDRE: MY son is homeless with nowhere to go, and I don't know how to help. I'm worried sick he's falling apart, and I'm scared he won't be able to find a way out. I'm his 59-year-old mum, and he's 28. He's been homeless for weeks after his girlfriend kicked him out following a huge row. She'd always been nasty and controlling – isolating him from friends and making him feel worthless. He's been sofa surfing with friends and family, but it's not a long-term solution. He calls me almost every day, asking for money. I can't have him live with me, as my home is too small. It breaks my heart to see him struggling, and I hate feeling helpless. His girlfriend's behaviour has taken a toll on him, and I fear he's losing hope. I want to support him, but I'm drained and worried I might be enabling him. DEIDRE SAYS: It's clear you love your son and want to help. While it's painful to see him struggling, setting boundaries is important for both of you. Encourage him to contact (0344 515 2000), which offers advice and support for people facing homelessness. Keep communication open so he knows you're there emotionally, but be cautious about enabling dependence with money. Remember, you can't fix everything, but guiding him towards the right resources will help him to find a way forward. FEEL I'M BEING TAKEN FOR A RIDE DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend only seems to love me when I've got my wallet out. I'm a 39-year-old woman, and he's 33. We've been seeing each other for more than two years, but it's never been stable. He disappears for weeks, then pops back up with sweet messages and promises – usually around his birthday or Christmas. Last year, he sent me a wishlist with designer clothes and trainers, and I stupidly spent nearly £400. I've paid his phone bill, sent him money and even covered a speeding fine. He always thanks me, tells me he loves me and couldn't do life without me, but then he goes cold. The affection dries up, he stops replying, and I'm left wondering what I did wrong. The cycle always repeats. He comes back when he needs something and showers me with charm, and I fall for it every time. I don't want to believe he's using me, but I feel more like a bank than a boyfriend. I love him, but I'm exhausted and confused. Is this love – or am I just being taken for a ride? DEIDRE SAYS: This relationship is taking far more from you than it's giving back – emotionally, financially and mentally. Real love isn't transactional, and doesn't vanish when you put your credit card away. This pattern – warm affection followed by silence then sudden reappearances when he needs something – is classic exploitation. Of course he says he loves you when he's getting what he wants. You deserve a partner who values you for who you are, not what you can give. Take some time to reflect on what you want from a relationship. Setting clear boundaries, especially with money, will help you see his true intentions.
ABC News
08-06-2025
- Health
- ABC News
What is a trauma bond? Here's how to recognise if you're in one
You may have heard of the term trauma bond, but if you were asked to explain what it means, could you? Sometimes it gets thrown around incorrectly to describe people who have bonded over a shared trauma. But a trauma bond is actually a form of abuse, and it can be difficult for victims to see they are in one, let alone break free from it. We explain trauma bonds and how to recognise the signs of being in one, for yourself or a loved one. The term trauma bond was coined by US addiction therapy specialist, Dr Patrick Carnes in 1997. It is where a person forms a strong emotional attachment to someone who is abusive, manipulative, or toxic. It's characterised by a cycle of abuse, followed by periods of seemingly positive reinforcement, which can make it difficult for the victim to leave the relationship. Lata Satyen, a psychologist and associate professor from Melbourne/Naarm, says trauma bonded relationships can occur with romantic partners, family, work colleagues, friends or even among victims of crime. "They [the victim] may believe that their physical and psychological needs can only be met by the abuser, so they become wholly dependent on them," Dr Satyen says. Dr Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist and speaker in the US, likens the cycle of a trauma bond to playing a poker machine. "The reward comes here and there, and that's the core of a toxic relationship," she says. "Just as you've got your hand on the doorknob to leave, or you're about to block them on your phone, they'll send you a message or gift, or they'll say something nice, or they'll do something nice. "[The victim] will say 'I'm so confused, maybe I'm the one who's a bad person'. "That's the intermittent reinforcement; that's the slot machine and that's the core of the trauma bonding." Our experts say there are some key things that categorise a trauma bond in a relationship. The signs and symptoms are described as the following: Dr Ramani says there is often a point in the relationship where the victim starts doing things to avoid "bad things" from happening. "You're like, 'if I just say these things, if I just go along to get along, then we won't fight and we'll have a decent weekend,'" she says. "That means they [abuser] can do the smallest, bread-crumby thing and you think 'this is great, we had such a good weekend, they didn't yell'. "That's a bad moment in the relationship because it really is where the trauma bond gets even more unbreakable, because now you're not even seeing the way out." Dr Satyen says that to a victim's family and friends, a trauma bond can look like a person having less independence or autonomy, as well as isolation from those they love. "It's important for [friends and family] to just be there and to just tell the person that they can approach them whenever they want," she says. "And that they don't have to feel shame about it because what happens is when that realisation occurs [about the abuse] … that person may feel a sense of shame and guilt." A long-term trauma bond can have emotional, psychological and even physical impacts, leaving victims more at risk of anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and loss of sense of self. Dr Chelsea Tobin, CEO of Safe Steps Family Violence Response Centre in Victoria, says if you recognise your relationship has patterns of abuse, reach out and speak to someone. "I think we know that most people will go to a friend before they'll go to a service," she says. "And so, I think checking in with a friend is always a good and safe first step, but then I would say there's services like Safe Steps that are here 24/7, 365 days a year with no judgement. "[We are] happy to talk through your situation, give you information, help you understand and when you're ready, you can take whatever steps you want." If you do decide to end the relationship, our experts say the following steps can help to overcome a trauma bond: Dr Satyen says victim-survivors need to be patient and kind to themselves during the process and recognise the signs when the abuse cycle is continuing. "What happens is once they leave, we see more often than not that the abuser shows them an immense amount of love, it's called love bombing," she says. "And the victim-survivor believes that 'Oh this person is capable of demonstrating love and affection', so they go back and continue the bonding. "That is what we call as the honeymoon period, it lasts for a few days to about three months, and then the whole cycle of abuse starts again." This article contains general information only. You should consider obtaining independent professional advice in relation to your particular circumstances.
