23-06-2025
Carolyn Hax: Friend cuts ties after being called on hurtful remark
Adapted from online discussions.
Hi, Carolyn: One of my dearest friends has decided to cut ties. I was venting about work. She said something super mean, and I told her that she hurt my feelings.
That was eight months ago. She has not answered texts or calls.
This is a person who officiated my wedding and hosted my baby shower, but also in 30 years has never once apologized for anything. She did this once before and came around after a year of silence.
This time I am super mad and hurt. I do expect to run into her at some point, or for her to pop back up like nothing has happened. I know (from your past columns) that it is up to me whether to let her back into my life if she does this.
But how do I get over the tremendous hurt and decide whether I have had enough? She has a very special place in my life, but at this point I am also just hurt.
— Ghosted by a Friend
Ghosted by a Friend: You might not know until she does her pop-up thing, and that's okay. See what she says (and doesn't), then see how you feel. Be ready to say: 'I'm not sure how I feel about your popping up as if nothing happened, after months of ignoring me. It's my turn to take some time.'
If you struggle to say how hurt and angry you feel and how messed up it is that she does this, then try writing it down.
It is, of course, her issue entirely. She is the one with coping mechanisms — if we can call them that — so dysfunctional, twisted and weak that she has to run away from her own discomfort instead of facing it, like admitting fault. So many kinds of wow. And sad.
After 30 years, you would think she could risk the vulnerability of 'Sorry' with you. Clearly not. I hope she does — but don't expect her to — reengage with you enough for you to make this point with her.
That's something you can decide now: Her unwillingness to listen or apologize can mean the friendship has run its course. Or you can decide her limits are who she is.
Dear Carolyn: I have the opportunity to go for a promotion at work. It would mean more hours, occasional late nights and more responsibility. I would have, let's say, 15 percent less freedom than I do now.
In discussing the choice with my husband, he asked whether the salary increase would make up for that loss of freedom. That led to a discussion in which I discovered we are currently nowhere close to living what I think of as a 'nice life' — enough money for necessities plus occasional leisure. We are almost always scratching to pay for this or that unexpected expense, and we don't even have children!
Now I'm feeling depressed and paralyzed about the decision because it seems to be a choice between freedom and security. A total career overhaul is not an option right now. How do I make this decision?
— A Nice Life
A Nice Life: Maybe I'm being obtuse, but if you're unhappy as is, then why not go for the promotion? See if more money helps. It won't solve the immediate problem of feeling under-leisured, but staying where you are won't solve it, either. So give ambition a try. Chances to step back down are available daily.
I realize this demands time and money, the exact two commodities you feel starved of right now, but a few sessions with a therapist, coach and/or financial planner could be a good investment to help you clarify your goals.
