Latest news with #heterofatalism
Forbes
4 days ago
- General
- Forbes
The Emotional Cost Of Dating Men And How Women Are Rewriting Rules
Photo by DIMITAR DILKOFF/AFP via Getty Images. A new cultural lexicon is emerging, and at the center of it is a term that captures the private exhaustion and public irony many straight women feel toward modern relationships with men: heterofatalism. Initially coined by academic Asa Seresin and recently spotlighted in the New York Times Magazine and Sexual Health Alliance, heterofatalism refers to the resigned belief that heterosexual relationships are emotionally unfulfilling. These viewpoints suggest women pursue them anyway because they feel there might not be better options. However, beyond the memes and gloomy quips lies something more profound: a crisis of expectation, a mismatch of emotional labor, and an opportunity to reframe how straight women approach dating with greater clarity, curiosity, awareness and self-leadership. This article explores the psychological and cultural roots of heterofatalism, synthesizes dating and relationship science and offers tools for dating men today without compromising your softness, emotional essentials or standards. What Is Heterofatalism? When Cynicism Masks Hope Unlike heteropessimism, which performs emotional detachment for irony or cool-girl effect, heterofatalism carries a heavier emotional resignation. Women may say, "I am hesitant about men," only to download the app again the next morning, reflecting not just disappointment in individual men, but in the more all-around system of heterosexual romance. The internal dialogue might become something like: "Even if I know better, even if he might not meet my needs, I want to pursue the connection anyway." As the Sexual Health Alliance notes, heterofatalism often arises from a lack of relational modeling, and from watching women in our families "choose partners they did not seem to like." It can be intergenerational, systemic and reinforced by media that glamorizes dysfunction under the guise of chemistry. But how can we distinguish one from the other? Here's where self-agency comes in. Cultural Conditioning, Romantic Myths And Emotional Labor Popular culture has long sold women the idea that love will heal, elevate and complete us. But research on romantic beliefs suggests that idealizing a partner can actually predict greater disappointment over time, especially when initial chemistry masks incompatible values, true friendship or aligned long-term goals. Even well-meaning narratives like "men should protect and provide" can reinforce benevolent sexism, an ideology that seems sweet but ultimately positions women as passive recipients of male behavior. These beliefs can make women more likely to excuse or romanticize emotional immaturity in men in the personal and professional realms alike. It comes as no surprise that women in heterosexual relationships might often feel like they carry more of the emotional labor, initiating hard conversations, managing conflict and tracking their date's emotional needs. This imbalance contributes directly to the burnout that fuels heterofatalism, a widespread apathy towards the dating scene. The Psychology Behind Attraction And Repetition Classic social-psychology theory suggests people pair with those of similar social desirability, also known as the Matching Hypothesis. Yet in the world of dating apps, this can backfire. Research analyzing millions of profiles reveals that both men and women often pursue partners who are estimated to be about 25% more attractive than themselves, despite these advances yielding fewer responses. In other words, chasing someone perceived as "out of the league" is common, but it is rarely successful. The convenience of mobile dating comes with its own set of challenges. A 2024 Forbes Health survey reports that 78% of users feel emotionally, mentally or physically exhausted from app use — and women report slightly higher rates than men. This aligns with qualitative findings showing "burnout" results from repeated cycles of hope, ghosting and emotional drain, or what researchers call mobile-online-dating fatigue. Gen Z daters report even higher rates: nearly 79% say app fatigue has influenced them to seek offline alternatives or authenticity-first platforms (RAW app data, 2025). Apps like Bumble and Hinge are responding by introducing features such as conversation prompts and "double-date" modes to ease cognitive load and enhance engagement, too. Why We Repeat Patterns: The Pull Of The Unavailable Beyond algorithms and exhaustion, attraction is often shaped by what feels familiar, rather than what is healthy. Many women report being drawn to unavailable or emotionally inconsistent partners due to unresolved attachment patterns. Unsurprisingly, this dynamic perpetuates cycles of disappointment masked as excitement, especially in high-status, emotionally ambiguous men. Heteropessimism refers to the ironic detachment and performative complaint about men while still participating in heterosexual dating. Its emotional tone is often askew and cynical, and it has become a staple of memes and social media commentary, such as 'men are trash.' Heterofatalism, on the other hand, carries a more profound resignation: the belief that dating men may be unsatisfying, but there's no better alternative. Its tone is more defeated and ambivalent, emerging from emotional labor burnout and accumulated relational hopelessness, among others. It's Not About Not Dating Men, But Dating With Discernment, Intention And Self-Sovereignty Heterofatalism is not about giving up on love. It is about letting go of scripts that exhaust us. Instead of abandoning desire, we can choose to desire with clarity and intention. Instead of succumbing to resignation, we can reframe the terms of engagement comprehensively. Because dating men doesn't have to mean enduring disappointment, particularly when you choose based on emotional congruence rather than cultural programming, dating becomes a space of alignment, not depletion. Finally, as a researcher and therapist, Dr. Alexandra Solomon says, 'Healthy relationships are not found, they are built. Moreover, you can only build with someone who is also ready to build with you.' So no, the answer is not to stop dating men. The answer is to stop dating men who drain your brilliance, and to start dating as the woman who chooses herself first.
Associated Press
6 days ago
- Entertainment
- Associated Press
Movie Review: A dark comedy about modern dating in sharp, (knowingly) silly ‘Oh, Hi!'
The modern dating scene is not a healthy one. Perhaps it never really was and everyone is nostalgic for something that didn't exist. But you don't need to be on the apps to sense the anxiety around. Just open the New York Times Magazine site and scroll through the 1,200 comments on Jean Garnett's 'The Trouble With Wanting Men,' in which she examines unfulfilled desire and the idea of 'heterofatalism.' We wonder what happened to the romantic comedy. Maybe we're all to blame. How can we have fun with stories about romance when it is so bleak out there? But thank goodness for the filmmakers who are trying to, if not make sense of it all, talk about it. Celine Song did it in her own way with 'Materialists.' And now comes Sophie Brooks' 'Oh, Hi!' about a new-ish couple on their first weekend away together. These movies are not at all similar, and yet both speak to the current mood in valuable ways. In 'Oh, Hi!' Iris (Molly Gordon) and Isaac (Logan Lerman) seem to be very much in sync as a pair, singing in the car together, laughing about a little accident that results in the purchase of hundreds of strawberries and excitedly exploring the very nice house they've rented for this romantic getaway. The chemistry is there: There's humor, wit, conversation and attraction. They're even on the same page on more intimate matters. It is a terrific opening — nothing is really happening, and yet it's pleasant to just be in the moment with them. But then things take a turn. We know they're headed south from the first frame, when a distraught Iris greets her friend Max (Geraldine Viswanathan) at the country home late one night. We're trained to expect that it's all leading to a fight, or a breakup. 'Oh, Hi!,' however, has other things up its sleeve. Note to new couples: Best not to define a relationship while one is chained to the bed after a bit of experimentation. Granted, neither thought they needed to have this conversation, but it quickly becomes clear that they both heard things differently. Iris thought they were exclusive. Isaac thought it was perfectly clear that they weren't and aren't. But why, Iris asks, are they doing this at all after four months? Why are they on this trip? Why did he make her scallops? It's enough to make anyone go a little mad, which Iris does, deciding that she's going to keep Isaac chained up until they talk it through to her satisfaction. It's a kind of over-the-top, 'Misery'-styled meditation on entrenched gender cliches in heterosexual dating. The women are crazy and needy. The men are jerks and aloof. And no amount of rational discussion on either side will end the stalemate. Iris believes that if he just gets to know her a little better, perhaps he'll change his mind. She goes long on her biography in a funny little sequence, but the monologuing doesn't help Isaac figure out how to escape. It just goes on. 'Oh, Hi!' follows this path to extreme ends as Iris involves Max and her boyfriend Kenny (John Reynolds), who are all trying to figure out how to get out of the situation without going to jail. It's admirable how ardently they commit to making this outlandish premise as realistic as possible. The film loses the plot a bit when Max and Kenny get involved and things get extra silly. It might have been better had it stayed with Iris and Isaac to the bitter end. Gordon, who co-wrote the story with Brooks, is a huge reason it works at all. She somehow keeps Iris grounded and relatable throughout, which is no small feat after she makes her big mistake. At times, that epic misstep made me think that 'Oh, Hi!' might be the female 'Friendship.' And while Lerman gets substantially less to do, you come out feeling for both characters, trapped in anxieties of their own making and a social structure in which neither romance nor commitment seems to be a priority. At least this film lets us laugh about it a little bit. And lest you think people in relationships have it easier, just wait until 'Together' arrives next week. 'Oh, Hi!' a Sony Pictures Classics release in theaters Friday, is rated R by the Motion Picture Association for 'language, sexual content and some nudity.' Running time: 94 minutes. Three stars out of four.
