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I'm A Middle-Aged Woman. This Is What Happened When I Got A Happy Ending Massage.
I'm A Middle-Aged Woman. This Is What Happened When I Got A Happy Ending Massage.

Yahoo

time5 days ago

  • Entertainment
  • Yahoo

I'm A Middle-Aged Woman. This Is What Happened When I Got A Happy Ending Massage.

Way back near the beginning of pandemic, I had a real-life Good Luck to You, Leo Grande experience. If you're not familiar with the movie (now streaming on Hulu), a retired widow (Emma Thompson) hires a fine-ass sex worker (Daryl McCormack) to find some sexual adventure. (Spoiler: Adventure is found.) In my case, there was no green-eyed Leo Grande. However, I did have two (2!) people working over my middle-aged body. Also, they weren't official 'sex workers,' though it did involve both sex and work. I was getting a 'hands-on bodywork session,' basically a massage with a (possibly) happy ending. Oh, it was all on the up and up. It was through an organization, let's call it Yonis R Us (YRU), that hosts retreats in glamorous locales where women of all ages (seriously, ALL, like up to extremely senior citizen) learn to connect with their bodies, their sexuality and their desires. And yeah, a happy ending might be had, but the bodywork sessions were about more than that. It was about allowing yourself to accept pleasure and feel sexual without any of the body image/performative/goal-oriented pressures of a lot of hetero sex. Getting rid of that last bit was going to be a trick for me. I enjoy spending my leisure time worrying about things like that new spot on my leg (fatal????), people who don't text back immediately (dead???) and the like. My monkey mind doesn't just chatter away during my rare attempts at meditation ― mine is more howler monkey, always on duty, hyper-vigilant and screeching from the treetops, alerting me to a constant stream of imaginary peril. To be honest, I was secretly looking for a Magic Vagina Whisperer, someone who would force me to chill the F out, know what I wanted even before I knew it, and could play my body like a piano, or whatever musical instrument is the equivalent of my body (Bagpipes? Theremin?). When Nanette*, the founder of Yonis, messaged me one day and offered me a private session that night, gratis, I was immediately like, 'Yes, please!' It was to date, the best media perk I've gotten, and I am a person who recently received a huge box of weed products hand-delivered to my door. Related: Related: About four seconds later, I panicked. The letting-strangers-touch-alllllll-the-naughty-bits wasn't the issue. I've interviewed several sex workers and came away convinced that sex work is an important helping position. Providing loving sexual touch to people who aren't getting it, for whatever reason, is a gift. I had no moral quandaries. Viva getting touched by a kindly, trained stranger/specialist! But on that particular day, I was not feeling super fuckable. I already had a full-on pandemic body going on, even though we were just barely into it. Underneath my Bao-like belly, I was sporting a bush with the aesthetics of an abandoned parking lot. As Emma Thompson told Vogue about the extremely last-minute preparations for her role in Good Luck to You, Leo Grande, 'I couldn't go off to a health spa in anticipation of forthcoming nudity.' Nor could I, Emma. I couldn't lose the belly in one day, and in a flash of liberation, I decided I would leave the bush in 'as is' condition. I was gonna own this 'forthcoming nudity,' goddammit. The idea was strangely empowering. 'Screw it!' I thought. 'This is my body. Behold!' That night I pulled up to a charming little house tucked down a shady lane somewhere by San Diego. I was greeted at the door by Nanette, who is short, curvy and warm, like a sexy fairy godmother. She introduced her associate, Rod Steele,* who is blonde, muscled and pretty much an ideal specimen of manhood, as well as being a lovely, gentle person. There was a spacious living room and a large wooden dining table laden with snacks. I picked at the spread while we had easy talk about…something? Finally, they asked me to go into the bedroom, disrobe, and get up on a table similar to a massage table. I draped a sheet over myself and waited. When they came in, they spoke to me gently and started giving me a massage. If you find yourself in a situation where two people want to give you a massage, I'd recommend you take them up on it at once. It was pretty great. I closed my eyes as they introduced elements of sensation play, always asking permission first. There were scarves draped up my thighs, a little wheel toy with pokey things ― the idea was to stay in the moment and really focus on the sensations. Somebody eventually started touching me where the bathing suit covers. There were some consensual flicks of a flogger and the introduction of a butt plug. It's odd that I can't remember the specifics of who was touching where, otherwise I could give you a play-by-play, like 'Bishop to e5.' What does stand out is that it was dawning on me that I wasn't even close to having an orgasm, and I (ridiculously, I know this!) felt like I should ― like it would be polite to do so. And it felt absurd that it wasn't happening. I was being stroked and lavishly feted by two gorgeous, sexy, and attentive people. But I was lying there wondering if their hands were getting sore, and they regretted doing this for free. So there I was: naked, the stimulation increasingly amping up, and still not having an orgasm. Eventually (two minutes? 700 years?) they brought out the big guns, the hallowed Magic Wand. If you're not familiar, the Wand is a giant vibrator that's pretty much a jackhammer for the lady parts. If there ever was a vibrator that could easily be converted to gas power (rip cord and all), it would be the Wand. They applied the Wand, but my body would not succumb to it. I felt my monkey mind cockblocking the insistent ministrations of my electric lover. 'Shit, it's still not happening!' I thought, which for the record, is pretty low on the list of arousing thoughts. Then it dawned on me. I thought about my best sex ever and how raw chemistry goes a hell of a long way towards arousal. Yes, the simple biological manipulation of body parts is a huge part of sex, but it's just one part of a complex mix of lust chemicals, scents, the almost divine touch of someone who really does it for you and the particular appeal of a partner's jawline/chest/thigh/thick dick/whatever. In this case, all manner of diligent rubbing wasn't gonna be enough. It's the same reason a glory hole wouldn't appeal to me. I'd need some backstory. Here, I couldn't just lie down on the massage table thing, spread my legs, and get lost in it. In discussing the 'problems' of sex in How to Think More About Sex, the delightful School of Life co-founder Alain de Botton writes, 'Great sex, like happiness more generally, may be the precious and sublime exception. During our most fortunate encounters, it is rare for us to appreciate how privileged we are. It is only as we get older, and look back repeatedly and nostalgically to a few erotic episodes, that we start to realize with what stinginess nature extends her gifts to us — and therefore what an extraordinary and rare achievement of biology, psychology and timing satisfying sex really is.' But I digress. Through all this, the Wand was determinedly buzzing away, perhaps puzzled, not understanding why I was resisting its charms. I didn't know what to do, so finally I mentally pulled up the images of my favorite porn. If you must know it's the one with two college guys who, against their supposed straightness, get too turned on and simply must bone each other immediately. Eventually, less being swept away by inevitability and more 'I will make this happen,' ala Annette Bening, 'I will sell this house today!' in American Beauty, I had the orgasm. Check. Not huge, but there. Hey, way to ruin goalless pleasure with a goal, self! Once the 'sex' part was done, we moved back out to the living room. I sat on a couch, and Nanette and Rod settled in on each side. They snuggled in close and handed me an exceptionally good popsicle. We talked about what had gone down and how it was for me. Rod suggested I give the plug another try sometime. I had another popsicle (this is unrelated). It was A+ aftercare. In the end, I still completely support this kind of work. If you can lie back and enjoy being attended to by two eager pretend lovers, get yer butt on up on that table. (Statistically, it's likely that you'd dig it: Multipartner sex is the most common fantasy, according to Justin Lehmiller's Tell Me What You Want.) For me and my howler monkey mind though, the most thorough fuck of the night was the mind fuck I gave myself. It wasn't ideal, but lessons were learned. Sex with another person who hotly desires you as much as you desire them is a rare and beautiful thing. This was not it. But it didn't need to be that. It occupied a different space. In this space, you can be sexual without worrying about pleasing another (or, like me, you can worry about it anyway) and that feels important. You can go to this place, go really deep sexually and emotionally with two other people, then be on your merry way, with no emotional reverb. And you might even get some popsicles out of the deal. *Names had been changed. Except mine, which was probably a bad decision. This article originally appeared on HuffPost in July 2022. Also in Goodful: Also in Goodful: Also in Goodful: Solve the daily Crossword

It's taller than Rio's — Spanish town plans giant statue of Christ
It's taller than Rio's — Spanish town plans giant statue of Christ

Times

time25-06-2025

  • Politics
  • Times

It's taller than Rio's — Spanish town plans giant statue of Christ

A row has erupted over plans to build the world's tallest statue of Christ, on the outskirts of Madrid. A group of Catholics from the town of Boadilla del Monte, a municipality just outside the Spanish capital, have pledged to raise a monumental figure 37m (120ft) high and with a span of 60m (196ft) — taller than Christ the Redeemer in Rio de Janeiro, which is 30m high. The tallest statue of Christ in the world is at present Christ the King in Swiebodzin, Poland, which is 33m high and has a 2m crown. The town council in Boadilla del Monte has ceded municipal land for 'a new beacon of religious devotion' but some locals are opposing it, saying that the authority should not have given the land and demanding a public consultation.

Moment cops form protective shield in front of holidaymakers dining at a Majorca restaurant as they are barracked by anti-tourist protesters
Moment cops form protective shield in front of holidaymakers dining at a Majorca restaurant as they are barracked by anti-tourist protesters

Daily Mail​

time16-06-2025

  • Daily Mail​

Moment cops form protective shield in front of holidaymakers dining at a Majorca restaurant as they are barracked by anti-tourist protesters

Spanish police officers had to form a protective shield in front of dining holidaymakers being barracked by anti-tourist protestors on Sunday. Powerful images captured in Majorca show officers standing guard while stunned diners watched on at the crowd of chanting demonstrators. It comes after thousands of locals marched across Spanish islands on Sunday afternoon demanding that Brits 'go home' as part of widespread protests against so-called 'over tourism '. A large demonstration in Palma de Mallorca saw fed-up locals banging their drums and chanting slogans as tourists desperately attempted to enjoy their evening meals. Beginning at Plaza de España, in the heart of the tourist city, shortly after 6pm, activists claimed that more than 30,000 people took to the streets to voice their frustrations about the damaging impact of holidaymakers. Placards held up by marchers read: 'Tourists go home', 'Mallorca is not for sale' and 'Mallorca is not your cash cow… go home.' Meanwhile, other signs read: 'Your vacations, our anxiety.' Footage showed Brits left visibly shocked by the demonstrations, while other tourists were seen taking refuge on their accommodation balconies. Dozens of placards at the popular demonstration read 'tourists go home… refugees welcome', while a group of teenagers could be heard chanting 'tourists go home!' as they marched through the city. Children taking part in the protest were seen carrying water pistols, with plans to spray holidaymakers as they pass on by. Protesters were heard chanting slogans against Airbnb and 'guiris' - the Spanish slang term used to describe Brits and other foreigners. One placard read: 'Rich foreign property buyers go to hell', while another said: 'Enough is enough.' Local resident Oriol, 40, told MailOnline: 'I'm protesting because I don't want 80% of my money to go on rent. 'I don't want to be forced to speak only English or German in by apartment block. 'I don't want my friends to have to go to the mainland when they have children just to be able to afford a dignified life, a lot of us are fed up.' Alex, 32, has a masters degree and a well-paying job. He told MailOnline: 'I'm here because I cannot afford to buy my own place, I'm having to live with my parents because the rent is also too much. 'There are also far too many people coming to the island for holiday, our resources cannot cope, there needs to be a limit.' The demonstrations took place in major destinations including Barcelona, Mallorca, Ibiza, Menorca, San Sebastian, Granada, Tenerife and Malaga. Other European destinations involved in the action include Venice in Italy and Lisbon in Portugal. The action is designed to 'call attention to the social and environmental costs of overtourism.' The protests have been organised by the Southern Europe Network Against Touristification (SET), and are supported by local activist groups. Many locals living in tourist hotspots in Spain believe the industry's model has become too excessive. They say the numbers of visitors continue to increase year by year, creating an increasing demand on local resources. They also complain that the overwhelming amount of tourist activity is causing environmental pollution, particularly in Tenerife, where natural landscapes are not being properly protected by local authorities, while a surge in pleasure boats and sewage waste are polluting the marine environment, they claim. More importantly, the explosion of Airbnb-style properties has seen property prices surge over the past five to 10 years. In holiday hotspots, landlords are choosing to rent to tourists instead of selling or renting to local families. This is stripping housing supply and making the available stock far more expensive and out of reach for a growing number of locals. The protesters marched for over a kilometre before gathering in Plaza de Reina near to the seafront. A series of activists gave speeches demanding a 'drastic' change in laws regarding the tourism industry - including banning Airbnb style properties from the island. Dozens of officers from the armed National Police force were seen escorting the protesters throughout the march, which ended without incident. In Ibiza, another popular Spanish island for British holidaymakers, similar protests took place demanding reductions to tourism. Around 1,000 protesters took part in the march organised by major anti-tourism platform Canviem el Rumb, which has been carrying out demonstrations in the Spanish holiday hotspot over the last year. Security was stepped up to protect tourists from the demonstrators, who left Portal de Ses Taules in the town centre at around 6pm and ended at Plaza de sa Graduada, in front of the courts at 9pm. Major demonstrations also took place across other cities in Spain, including Barcelona, and San Sebastián, as well as other European cities in Portugal and Italy. The protests aim to keep pressure on governments to address the problems generated by tourism, including rising rents, housing shortages and environmental damage. Canviem el Rumb is campaigning for a reduction in tourism, which it claims is having an adverse effect on Ibiza. 'Although each of them will have their own characteristics, they will all jointly critique mass tourism and luxury tourism,' said Pau Kokura, a member of Canviem el Rumb. The group says tourism is only helping the rich whilst the poor in Ibiza suffer, especially due to the lack of affordable housing. It also argues that there is an overabundance of hotel rooms, making it impossible for residents to afford rentals and therefore remain on the island. Agnès Vidal, another member of the organization, said: 'Mass tourism affects many aspects of our daily lives. This time, we want to highlight five key areas: the first, the right to water, because we have villages that dedicate themselves to irrigating water when the people of the island reduce their consumption. 'The second, the right to have a property in good condition. Third, we demand decent work, because people who work, especially during the summer, do so in terrible conditions in many sectors. Protesters hold a banner reading 'Mallorca is not for sale' during a demonstration to protest against the massification of tourism and housing prices on the island of Mallorca in Palma de Mallorca on May 25, 2024 'We also demand the right to rest, which is often not possible with the mega-clubs. The fifth block is housing. We have more and more people living in substandard housing around Ibiza Town. And that's why we have to find a solution.' Activists believe the current tourism model is 'unsustainable' and pushing the islands toward collapse. They want to limit the number of tourists visiting the islands, ban new hotel construction and introduce a tougher tourist tax, among other measures. But Brits holidaying in Tenerife previously told MailOnline the locals 'should be careful what they wish for.' A poll by Majorca Daily Bulletin found that around 44 per cent of people will now think twice about booking a holiday on the popular island after huge demonstrations over mass tourism. Paul Charles, CEO of travel consultancy The PC Agency warned: 'If this survey is accurate, local protestors should be careful what they wish for. 'The Majorcan (and other local islands) economy relies heavily on tourism to create jobs and bring money into the region. 'It would be a disaster for the area if the protests, however valid, cut off the flow of visitors and reduce income. 'The solution is to work with local authorities on spreading the number of visitors into the shoulder seasons, so there is a flow of tourists throughout the year rather than be concentrated over the summer.' One regular visitor to Tenerife told MailOnline last month echoed the same sentiment. Paul Nixon, 60, from Staffordshire said: 'I think they need to be careful what they wish for, the island is so dependent on tourism. 'I think bookings are down already to be honest, it seems quieter this year.

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