Latest news with #marriedman
Irish Times
3 days ago
- General
- Irish Times
‘My friend's affair with a married man is destroying our friendship'
Dear Roe, A close friend has been involved with a married man for two years. I was deeply uncomfortable with it from the start – my sister's marriage ended due to infidelity, so I know the damage it can cause. But I tried to support my friend, hoping this was a rare, genuine connection and that he would leave his wife respectfully. Two years on, nothing has changed. He always has reasons to delay. My friend no longer discusses it and avoids deeper conversations altogether. Our once-close friendship now feels distant and superficial. Some mutual friends know; others don't. The secrecy and tension are exhausting. I'm getting married this year, and as I addressed her invitation – including a plus-one I know won't be used – it really struck me how much this situation has isolated her. It made me feel both sad and frustrated: I want her there, but I also can't ignore the emotional distance that's opened up between us. I feel torn. I miss our friendship, but I'm also struggling with my own values. Am I enabling something I believe is wrong? Can I be a good friend while feeling increasingly judgmental? Saying anything might destroy the friendship, but staying silent feels dishonest. I don't know what's fair – to her, to myself, or even to the wife who has no idea. How do I navigate this? Navigating a situation like this, especially when it intertwines love, loyalty, personal values and long-held friendship, is one of the more painful and complex emotional crossroads we can encounter. Your heartache is understandable, not just because you're watching someone you care about shrink themselves for a relationship that brings them more secrecy than joy, but also because your own inner compass is being stretched between empathy and integrity. You are grieving a friendship that once thrived in openness and trust, and now exists behind a veil of avoidance, half-truths and unspoken things. You're allowed to want more, and to want to do more. Contrary to some current popular beliefs, being a good friend does not mean unconditional support for everything a person does, or silently watching someone self-destruct, or endorsing choices that go against your deepest values. Sometimes being a good friend is telling someone that you value them so much that you need to ask, 'With love, what the hell are you doing?' READ MORE [ 'My sister won't leave her bad relationship - and I'm pretty sure she's having an affair' Opens in new window ] I know you're scared to speak honestly to her, particularly because she has already pulled away. But remember that it's unlikely she has gone silent out of apathy for you, but due to shame. She probably fears what you'll say and the mirror you'll hold up to her. But friendship can't thrive in silence. You're right to name what this silence has started to cost you, and her, too. Ask for a conversation. A real one, not performative or polite, where you both show up with humility and courage, assuming each other's good intentions, and willing, as best you can, not to be defensive but to truly listen. You can't control how she'll receive honesty, but you can offer it with care. When you speak to her, begin with love. Tell her that you miss her. That you've noticed the distance, that you feel it, and that it hurts not because you're judging her from some high horse, but because she matters to you and you feel like you're losing her in slow motion. Tell her that talking honestly about this has felt dangerous, like you're risking your friendship – but that you believe your friendship deserves that risk. Tell her you're worried about her. About the life she's been living, hidden and small, about the way her relationship seems defined by loneliness and isolation, about the way it has slowly eroded her friendships, her openness, even the possibility of showing up in your life fully, like at your wedding, where she cannot even bring the person she's in love with. Tell her gently, but honestly, that it saddens you to see her world shrink this way. And if it feels right, you can tell her that you struggle with the fact that there's another woman, a wife, who has no idea her life is being altered behind her back, and that because you care about all women, that feels hard to carry. You could tell her that if the roles were reversed, if she were the one married and being lied to, you know you would be outraged on her behalf. Tell her that as you prepare to get married, you would hope she would be outraged and devastated for you if you were ever betrayed in your relationship. Tell her that part of what's painful here is realising that the same sense of care and outrage seems absent when it comes to another woman. Say this without blame, but with the quiet honesty of someone who still believes their friend can rise into something truer and stronger than this. You can express compassion for how difficult it must be to love someone who is already in a relationship; you can tell her you empathise with what she must have gone through the past two years being treated like a secret by the man she loves and that fearing judgment on top of that must feel hard. You can empathise with her and be generous – but you can also treat her like an adult who is capable of understanding that there are consequences to her actions, and that when she has an affair, that is going to create a big value divide between her and a lot of people. It's then her decision to stay with this man or to choose something different. She may need to walk through this entire chapter alone, for as long as it takes, before the lesson settles deep in her bones Invite her to ask herself some real questions – not rhetorical, not angry, but sincere. Is this enough? What does she want love to look like in her life? What kind of friendships does she want? Ask her if this man, not in his promises but in his actual actions, is helping her live the kind of life she wants. Ask her how long she's willing to keep sacrificing her joy, her openness, her community, for a love that keeps her hidden, and promises of a hypothetical future that never seems to arrive. You can, if it's true for you, end by telling her that while you don't understand her choices right now, you do still love her, and that if she ever chooses to walk away from this relationship, whether tomorrow or a year from now, you'll be right there, without judgment, with a bouquet of roses and arms wide open, ready to remind her of her strength and her worth. But also remind yourself: she is an adult. She may need to walk through this entire chapter alone, for as long as it takes, before the lesson settles deep in her bones. One day she will hopefully realise that she both deserves better and needs to do better, and she will walk away – and you want that moment to be completely hers, so that she feels more wise and empowered, so that she can believe that she saved herself, so that she can truly absorb the lesson and integrate it into her life. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is not rescue, not condemn, but to speak our truth, set our boundaries, and let the other person choose their path, knowing we'll be there with grace, not shame, if and when they return to themselves. Speak to her. Speak with love, with honesty, with hope. Then, allow her the dignity of choosing what kind of life she wants to live, knowing that you chose to be honest in yours. Good luck. .form-group {width:100% !important;}
The Sun
03-07-2025
- General
- The Sun
I was having casual affair with married man – but we've now fallen for each other and I'm drowning in guilt
DEAR DEIDRE: FORBIDDEN sex is the most thrilling sort, but the married man I hoped to keep on the side has fallen for me – and I have done the same. I know things are about to get complicated. I'm 31 and have been with my boyfriend for four years. Things between us have been flat for a while. We barely talk any more, and I've felt invisible for months. So when I met a beautiful, charismatic man on a project at work, I couldn't help myself. He's 45, married with three young kids, and at first it was just a bit of flirty banter. But the chemistry between us was undeniable, and it wasn't long before things turned physical. The sex was out of this world — intense and so passionate. At first, he made it clear he wasn't looking to leave his wife, and I told myself I could handle that. Keeping things casual made sense for both of us. But no matter how hard we tried to fight it, it hasn't stayed that way. We've become emotionally attached. He messages me constantly, says he can't stop thinking about me, and has even started talking about a future together. Meanwhile, I'm still living with my boyfriend, going through the motions and drowning in guilt. I've lied to everyone around me, including myself. Part of me wants to believe it could work with him. But the other part is terrified it will all come crashing down. DEIDRE SAYS: You've been swept up in a passionate and intense affair, and while those feelings may feel real, they're unfolding in a situation built on secrecy, guilt and betrayal. Of course you crave passion when your current relationship feels flat, but an affair rarely provides the foundation for a lasting and secure relationship. Dear Deidre After Dark- Understanding open relationships As hard as it is to accept, the longer this continues, the more pain it's likely to cause for you and everyone involved. Even if he says he wants a future with you, walking away from his wife and children wouldn't be simple. There are deep emotional ties, practical complications and long-term consequences. It's time to be honest with yourself and your boyfriend. Ending that relationship respectfully is the first step towards a future free of dishonesty. I'm sending you my support pack, Moving On, to help you process this and find closure. PARANOID SAME-SEX PARTNER MAY STRAY DEAR DEIDRE: A SIMPLE bunch of flowers has completely derailed my confidence in my relationship. I'm 28, my girlfriend is 30, and we've been together for a year. This is my first serious same-sex relationship. She's openly bisexual and very outgoing, with loads of friends, including men. I've never had reason to distrust her. Last week, a guy she works with sent a bouquet to her desk after she helped him through a rough patch. She told me straight away and laughed it off, saying it was nothing – just a kind gesture. But I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I keep worrying that she's hiding something from me, and it's making me paranoid and anxious. She says I'm overthinking things, but I can't seem to shake this sinking feeling. Am I just being insecure, or is my gut trying to warn me? DEIDRE SAYS: It's understandable that the flowers triggered anxiety, especially as this is your first serious same-sex relationship. But your girlfriend was honest with you. That shows openness, not deceit. It's likely the gesture was innocent. What's important now is unpacking where your fear is coming from. Is it insecurity about her bisexuality or worry that she might leave you? Talk to her and work through these feelings together. My support pack, Dealing With Jealousy, should help. SON HAS NO HOME, HOW CAN I HELP? DEAR DEIDRE: MY son is homeless with nowhere to go, and I don't know how to help. I'm worried sick he's falling apart, and I'm scared he won't be able to find a way out. I'm his 59-year-old mum, and he's 28. He's been homeless for weeks after his girlfriend kicked him out following a huge row. She'd always been nasty and controlling – isolating him from friends and making him feel worthless. He's been sofa surfing with friends and family, but it's not a long-term solution. He calls me almost every day, asking for money. I can't have him live with me, as my home is too small. It breaks my heart to see him struggling, and I hate feeling helpless. His girlfriend's behaviour has taken a toll on him, and I fear he's losing hope. I want to support him, but I'm drained and worried I might be enabling him. DEIDRE SAYS: It's clear you love your son and want to help. While it's painful to see him struggling, setting boundaries is important for both of you. Encourage him to contact (0344 515 2000), which offers advice and support for people facing homelessness. Keep communication open so he knows you're there emotionally, but be cautious about enabling dependence with money. Remember, you can't fix everything, but guiding him towards the right resources will help him to find a way forward. FEEL I'M BEING TAKEN FOR A RIDE DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend only seems to love me when I've got my wallet out. I'm a 39-year-old woman, and he's 33. We've been seeing each other for more than two years, but it's never been stable. He disappears for weeks, then pops back up with sweet messages and promises – usually around his birthday or Christmas. Last year, he sent me a wishlist with designer clothes and trainers, and I stupidly spent nearly £400. I've paid his phone bill, sent him money and even covered a speeding fine. He always thanks me, tells me he loves me and couldn't do life without me, but then he goes cold. The affection dries up, he stops replying, and I'm left wondering what I did wrong. The cycle always repeats. He comes back when he needs something and showers me with charm, and I fall for it every time. I don't want to believe he's using me, but I feel more like a bank than a boyfriend. I love him, but I'm exhausted and confused. Is this love – or am I just being taken for a ride? DEIDRE SAYS: This relationship is taking far more from you than it's giving back – emotionally, financially and mentally. Real love isn't transactional, and doesn't vanish when you put your credit card away. This pattern – warm affection followed by silence then sudden reappearances when he needs something – is classic exploitation. Of course he says he loves you when he's getting what he wants. You deserve a partner who values you for who you are, not what you can give. Take some time to reflect on what you want from a relationship. Setting clear boundaries, especially with money, will help you see his true intentions.
Yahoo
31-05-2025
- General
- Yahoo
Woman Says Married Man She Thought Was 'One of the Good Ones' Keeps Messaging Her, and Now She Wants to Leave Their Mutual Group
A woman wrote on Mumsnet that she wants to end her hobby with a mutual group of friends due to one of its members According to the woman, the married man, who she swore "was one of the good ones," often tells her he has feelings for her "In the last month or so, he's started messaging me, to the point that it's become almost daily," the woman saidA woman is contemplating ending her hobby with a mutual group of friends due to one of its overbearing members. The woman detailed her dilemma on the U.K.-based forum Mumsnet with the subject line, "I need to do something about this man." Explaining that the individual is "married to someone I know and like," the woman continued, "I've heard bits and pieces from both of them over the years, suggesting that their relationship isn't great, but I always assumed these things crop up in a long marriage, and none of my business anyway." Added the woman, 'I socialize with him quite a bit in a group. His wife is always invited, but often declines to come.' Never miss a story — sign up for to stay up-to-date on the best of what PEOPLE has to offer, from celebrity news to compelling human interest stories. Recently, the woman said her view of the man changed "after many years, where I'd have sworn he was one of the good ones." Detailing that she had "never seen or heard anything inappropriate from him," the woman said the man has since "decided to tell me 'how he feels.' " And though she has "tried to shut it down," the woman said that "things will be normal for a while, but as soon as he has a drink, he's there declaring feelings again." "In the last month or so, he's started messaging me, to the point that it's become almost daily. Nothing flirty, always positive," the woman continued, adding, however, that "it's the sudden change, alongside the other conversations, that bother me." Concluding her message by noting that she "can't just cut him off, or at least not without sacrificing my main hobby and friendship group," the woman further explained, "I'm not inclined to do that because a man is being ridiculous." The PEOPLE Puzzler crossword is here! How quickly can you solve it? Play now! In the comments section of the post, other Mumsnet users agreed that the man was testing the boundaries. 'Your gut is correct — his MO has changed and he is nudging boundaries,' one user wrote. 'You sense it, you know it. The nudges are deliberately small so that you would feel foolish calling him out in the moment on a single incident.' is now available in the Apple App Store! Download it now for the most binge-worthy celeb content, exclusive video clips, astrology updates and more! Others, meanwhile, stressed that it was up to the woman to draw a hard line. 'You can't enforce boundaries if you persist with this. Just tell him to stop messaging you,' one person commented. Read the original article on People
