Latest news with #mentalLoad
Yahoo
04-07-2025
- General
- Yahoo
My Husband and I Watched a Documentary on Hulu. It Changed My Marriage
The mental load is real, but for modern couples—i.e. those with spouses that do make the effort to pitch in—it's also complex. In my own case, after surfacing (and lamenting) the mental load on more than one occasion to my husband, it became a sticking point…and one that required attention. (Our main point of contention was about the division of labor—my spouse was confused: Doesn't he also carry a portion of the mental load?) As we attempted to hash this out, I realized that my husband—who is hugely participatory in family life as we raise two boys—and I could benefit from watching the documentary, Fair Play Life, which is based on the bestselling book by Eve Rodsky, called Fair Play. Could we watch it together and come out with a deeper understanding of each other on the other side? We queued up Hulu to find out. Released in 2022 in partnership with Reese Witherspoon's production company, Hello Sunshine, Fair Play Life is based on Rodsky's book of the same name, Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much To Do (and More Life to Live). Told via the perspectives of actual couples, it offers a deep dive into the household division of unpaid labor for heterosexual couples, specifically when it comes to the ongoing (and mostly invisible) tasks of managing a home and family, aka the mental load. Immediately, it was easy to see bits and pieces of my own marriage in the faces of other couples. For one thing, my own propensity to just keep shouldering the load. (As one woman vents, just continuing to do the work is easier than training her partner, but it doesn't solve the problem—and 'round and 'round we go.) But I also clocked some key differences: My husband and I divvy up household- and family-related tasks regularly and often; we both work full-time, so share the childcare load if someone is home sick or has a day off from school. He cooks, I clean. I book the camps and make the pediatrician appointments, he grocery shops. But if the tasks are a 50/50 split, why was I continuing to feel so uniquely overwhelmed? (This was his question more than mine.) About 30 minutes into the film, my husband had a simple request: 'Let's both jot down our definition of the mental load before we continue.' We hit pause on the definition of the mental load, as informed by my work, but also my viewing (thus far) of the Fair Play Life film: 'The mental load is the invisible labor, the anticipation of tasks and the mental and emotional prep work that goes into managing a family and household. Less task execution and more task anticipation, organization and delegation.' (I read this to my spouse aloud.) For my husband, he viewed the mental load with a major distinction: 'It's the effort that goes into executing the tasks on our plate.' This was the moment I realized our divide. One of the most salient points that Fair Play Life drives home is the lack of recognition that men have for the mental load their wives carry. As she explains in the film, Rodsky better understood this in her own marriage after writing down a list she titled, 'The Shit I Do.' She narrowed those tasks to include anything that takes more than two minutes of time—for example, prepping school lunches, doctor's appointments, picking the kids up from school if they're sick. But she also accounted for the less talked about tasks: Sunscreen application takes two minutes, but she allows 30 minutes for the chase to pin her kids down and apply. Her agenda was to make the invisible visible. 'Can't wait to discuss,' she emailed her spouse. (Rodsky's own husband was shocked.) But that's what caught me off guard in my own marriage, as laid out by our varying definitions of the mental load. My husband viewed the mental load as the labor that goes into task execution (i.e. he makes a meal plan, he shops for groceries). I view it as the emotional baggage that leads up to the job. (Even though he cooks, I'm usually the one prodding him to set aside the time to meal plan; the one pinging him a reminder that we are missing a few ingredients if we still want to follow through on what we mapped out to cook, the one researching how exactly to introduce allergens to our baby.) Don't get me wrong: My husband is an expert at knocking things off the task list, but the burnout hits when you're the person plunking out the step-by-step process behind the to-dos. It sounds silly, but this tiny difference in our understanding of the mental load—not to mention the background the film provides about why women tend to be the ones to systemically carry it—felt like a breakthrough. It also gave us a road map for the future that also stems from Fair Play Life: My husband now feels a bit clearer on the mental load of any given task and wants to make a better effort with the invisible parts of our household to-dos. (Rodsky calls this the CPE: The Conception, Planning and Execution behind a task, with the cognitive aspects making up the bulk of the mental load.) Once again, our varying definitions come into play. So does executive functioning. (My husband is also working on systems that better prompt him to initiate when it comes to his weekly jobs.) All in all, we're forging ahead—but with a bit less friction when it comes to the to-dos on our plate. We Need to Teach Our Sons to Share the Mental Load (No, Chores Aren't Enough)
Yahoo
22-06-2025
- Health
- Yahoo
Moms think more about household chores − and this cognitive burden hurts their mental health
When you think about housework, you likely think of actions: scrubbing the dishes, running errands, chopping vegetables for dinner. And it's not news to say that mothers often shoulder the burden for most of those activities. But there's an invisible dimension of household labor that unfolds behind the scenes: the cognitive effort that goes into anticipating needs, planning, organizing and delegating household tasks. In other words, someone has to remember to replace the dish soap and select which vegetables to chop. Our new research found that this cognitive dimension of housework, often called the 'mental load,' is divided even more unevenly within couples than the physical dimension – and it seems to take a particular mental health toll on women. According to the study we published in the Archives of Women's Mental Health, mothers who take on a more disproportionate share of cognitive household labor report higher levels of depression, stress, relationship dissatisfaction and burnout. We asked 322 mothers of young children about who in their family is responsible for 30 common household tasks. We collaborated with the creators of the Fair Play system – a book and card game designed to better quantify the division of labor within households – to divide each task into two dimensions: cognitive (anticipating, planning, delegating and thinking about household tasks) and physical (the hands-on execution of household tasks). We then examined how these tasks are shared between partners. We found a striking gender disparity: Mothers not only performed more physical housework but also carried a significantly greater share of cognitive labor compared with their partners. On average, mothers reported being responsible for about 73% of all cognitive household labor compared with their partners' 27%, and 64% of all physical household labor compared with their partners' 36%. Indeed, for every single task we examined, the gender difference was larger for the cognitive dimension than the physical execution dimension. There was only one task in which fathers did more planning and execution: taking out the garbage. Fathers also carried out more home maintenance tasks, but mothers did more of the related planning. Interestingly, while an unequal division of physical tasks was linked to worse couple relationship quality, it was the cognitive labor that had a more profound impact on women's psychological well-being. An unequal division of household labor is a key driver of global gender inequity, suppressing women's full participation in the paid workforce and significantly affecting women's health and well-being. Our study is one of the first to investigate the cognitive dimension of household labor and its effects on maternal mental health. Cognitive labor may be particularly taxing for women because it often runs behind the scenes and goes unacknowledged or unappreciated by others. It also pulls mental energy away from other priorities. Additional studies indicate that women experience more negative effects from child care and housework compared with men, such as higher depression rates, partly due to the heavier cognitive load they carry. Our study was limited by its reliance on self-reported household labor and by the fact that we were able to collect data only from mothers in cohabiting, heterosexual couple relationships. Future studies can survey both partners and directly observe what chores couples do at home. They can also look at different kinds of relationship configurations, including gay and lesbian couples. We also don't know much about the long-term effects of the division of cognitive labor on women's mental health and cognitive functioning. The unfair division of housework is a frequent source of stress in relationships and often cited by women as a reason for divorce. The cognitive load may be an underappreciated aspect of the domestic workload that warrants more attention from couples therapists, mental health counselors and premarital relationship educators. This article is republished from The Conversation, a nonprofit, independent news organization bringing you facts and trustworthy analysis to help you make sense of our complex world. It was written by: Darby Saxbe, USC Dornsife College of Letters, Arts and Sciences and Lizzie Aviv, University of Southern California Read more: Marriage provides health benefits – and here's why Claudia Goldin's Nobel Prize win is a victory for women in economics − and the field as a whole Gender equality at home takes a hit when children arrive Darby Saxbe receives funding from NIH, NSF, and Hello Sunshine, the company which licenses the Fair Play system for the division of household labor. Lizzie Aviv receives funding from and consults for Hello Sunshine, the company that licenses the Fair Play system.
The Independent
19-06-2025
- Health
- The Independent
Here's how to help moms lighten mental load from household tasks
Research shows moms overwhelmingly carry the mental load from household tasks, but there are ways to lighten it. While all families are different, women are most often the ones to plan meals, remember the names of their children's teachers, and take the kids to soccer practice, according to research. A study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family in December 2024, which CBS Mornings cited in a recent segment, found that mothers take on 71 percent of the mental workload that comes with running a household. Dr. Sue Varma, a board-certified psychiatrist, told CBS Mornings, 'I think the number should be higher.' Researchers found mothers take on the bulk of core daily tasks 'related to family well-being' while fathers tend to tackle 'episodic tasks related to maintenance and finances,' according to the study. Varma described what she hears from mothers when working with couples. 'The woman says, 'Not only am I organizing, planning, managing, but I'm anticipating for all the things that can go wrong because guess who's going to deal with the consequences of them. I am.'' Varma said women can also experience an 'emotional overload.' "A child is often turning to the mother in most cases, assuming it's a heterosexual couple, for comfort, and the school is calling the mother when the child is sick and who's taking time off from work? So all of it comes back down to the woman often," she said. So, what can be done to lighten moms' mental load? It starts with their partners. Varma explained the mindset of mothers: 'I don't want to have to give you a list to delegate, I want you to be a part of the conversation. For example, when the school year starts, what are some of those things that have to get done on a regular basis?' To share the mental load, fathers have to acknowledge it, initiate household tasks, contribute to regular, open communication and share in planning and decision-making, CBS Mornings reported. 'So we want to make sure we check in with [mothers] and even just to say, 'What can I do to help you? Talk to me about what you're going through and how can we prevent this as a team?' That feeling of you're with me, you're on my side. So many times, women tell me, 'I don't feel like I have a partner,'' Varma said. Varma gave some advice for women when communicating with their partners about their mental load. 'If you're going to ask your partner for more help you cannot throw the kitchen sink at them.' The psychiatrist suggested women tell their partners: 'I love it when you do all these things, when you ask me how I feel, when you ask me how my day was, when get in there and you roll up your sleeves and you're doing the dishes, when you say 'you know what, I'll do the pickup today.''
Yahoo
15-06-2025
- Health
- Yahoo
The 'father's mental load' and why men don't feel comfortable expressing it
The term "mental load" is commonly used to describe the responsibilities that women and mothers often bear for their families. But what about the mental load fathers carry? Haven Weits, 33, explored the topic in an episode of her podcast 'Haven!' with her friend Nick Mulenos, 35. 'Yes, we have things that we carry that the other partner may not carry,' he said on the May 5 episode. 'There's also an expectation among men that we handle our own stuff and we handle our own problems.' The clip, which amassed more than 53,000 views on TikTok, prompted some controversy in the comment section about the father mental load, whether it exists and why men don't feel comfortable expressing it. "Men use the same five chores as some sort of rebuttal to minimize their wives' work in the home while the majority of moms ALSO have a job," one Instagram user commented. "What many women don't get is the constant stress and fear that men are under constantly," another user commented. "There is no room for failure because if I fail, we all fail." There's no question fathers and men carry their own version of the mental load, said Dr. Mill Brown, chief medical officer at Spring Health, a mental health platform. And today's dads are more engaged and involved with their children than fathers in previous generations, research has shown. But societal pressure, a lack of male role models and a disregard for men's mental health have made it difficult for them to share their anxieties. 'Dads have been influenced by society to be tough, stoic, strong and hold these feelings in,' he said. 'Just because dads don't show their emotions as much as moms, doesn't mean that their feelings and stress do not exist in their family.' While Haven's mental load typically consists of daily tasks, her husband tends to think big-picture. Aaron Weits, 36, worries about long-term goals like where the family will live in five years, where the children will go to school and how to financially support those goals. 'It can be less tangible and sometimes because of that, it's harder to talk about,' he said. He also bears the burden of how to keep the family safe where they live in Los Angeles. He remembers his father doing the same thing and automatically assumed that role when he had children. 'Even if I'm hovering at the mall, I'm always keeping an eye on everyone,' Aaron said. 'It's not something I share, but it's almost innate. It's just a natural expression as a dad.' On top of household tasks and financial security, Mulenos said part of his mental load is how he can better support his wife and offload some of her mental stress. He also worries that expressing his mental load would inadvertently invalidate his wife's experiences and struggles. 'If they're bringing up 'Hey, I need help with what I'm carrying,' and your response is 'Look at what I'm carrying' – that can be invalidating,' he said. 'Even though that's not the intent, they don't want to push down what their wife is expressing to them.' A new age of parenting has created various pressures and challenges for both moms and dads, mental health experts said. Both parents tend to worry about income stability, financial issues, job performance and keeping track of a busy family. 'Trying to be a modern parent comes with its own pressures, especially when compared to traditional societal expectations for the role,' Brown said. Couples can share the parenting load by having a shared calendar, setting up regular family meetings to align on tasks and consistently sharing what responsibilities each partner is taking on, he said. Date nights and one-on-one time have helped Haven and Aaron be more receptive to each other's needs when sharing the responsibilities for their family. Though he wants more men to be able to effectively communicate their needs, Mulenos hopes both men and women can recognize the importance of understanding each other's mental load. 'What I want is for the conversation around the mental load – in general – to be continued and magnified,' he said. 'It's not that I want fathers to stay silent, I want them to be transparent with their feelings but I just want it to be seen as we're carrying our family forward.' Adrianna Rodriguez can be reached at adrodriguez@ This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Father's Day and what to know about the male 'mental load'
The Sun
07-06-2025
- General
- The Sun
How to get your partner to do MORE around the house – in 5 simple steps that might just save your relationship
DO you find yourself resenting your partner? This could be because you are the one carrying the 'mental load' in the relationship. 'It's that never-ending to-do list you're constantly adding to in your mind of tasks that are mostly invisible,' says Dr Morgan Cutlip, relationship expert and author of A Better Share. 6 While doing the laundry or making dinner are obvious chores, the 'invisible' burdens include decision-making and balancing the family's emotional needs. When most tasks land in your lap, it can chip away at your romantic feelings towards your partner. 'I can't tell you how many women have said to me: 'I don't even like him any more', 'I don't want to touch him', or 'I don't trust him',' says Morgan. But the point of Morgan's book is not to bash men. 'For the most part, male partners want to make us happy, be helpful, be good partners.' But she agrees women have every reason to feel angry. 'There are deep dynamics at play, plus feelings of unfairness and unappreciation, which can develop into resentment,' she says. So why can't you just divvy up tasks equally? You've probably already tried that, only to become more annoyed when said tasks are left undone. It's time to take a new approach to make habits stick. Start here. . . UNDERSTAND THE MENTAL LOAD 6 One of the most frustrating things that women feel about carrying the mental load is that their partner just doesn't 'get it'. But even women themselves don't always fully appreciate the toll of carrying the mental load, because it might have become their norm. The mental load can be broken down into three areas: The physical: The most visible part of the mental load (doing the dishes, the laundry) that people can mistake for being the only part. The cognitive: Tasks that require mental effort, such as organising playdates, writing shopping lists, planning dinner, remembering to respond to emails, sign forms and general decision-making. The emotional: The weight carried by managing the experiences of family members, thinking about the implications of every decision, taking on the burden when they go wrong, trying to regulate your own emotional responses… The stakes feel high, and it never ends. Relationship expert shares three tell-tale signs your relationship is falling apart 'The triple threat is where these overlap, and that's what men don't always understand,' says Morgan. For example, knowing or predicting what needs to be done (mental), carrying that task out (physical), and evaluating the toll or outcome that action could have (emotional). This can even apply to something as simple as making dinner! TAKE THE INITIATIVE 6 Of course, in an ideal world, our partners would simply take the initiative themselves, but as any of us who have tried – and failed – to get our other halves to step up will know, it's not always that simple. 'I understand the righteous anger so many women feel,' says Morgan. 'But I'm also a believer in the end goal, and that is to have a fairer, more equitable relationship where you both feel loved and supported, and your home life is shared between the two of you.' To get that, she advises being clear about what you need. 'You could say: 'Tomorrow is a busy morning, so I'd like you to take care of the kids' packed lunches. Do you have any questions?' It's a way of your partner taking on something that you would normally handle, making something invisible visible, and increasing their knowledge when they ask how something is done. Your partner can't take the initiative if they don't know how your home functions, or your kids' preferences.' However, the onus is also on your partner to increase their knowledge. Don't accept incompetence as an excuse. For example: 'You do it better than me', or: 'I just don't know how'. Morgan recommends the Buffett Formula, based on investor Warren Buffett's ethos. 'Every day your partner should get to know one new thing about you, one new thing about your children (if you have them), and one new thing about how your home and family function,' says Morgan. 'Your partner could also ask: 'What's on your plate today?' then offer to take things on. It means they're taking the initiative to handle something.' If they don't know how to do a task, all they have to do is ask. SHOW GREATER APPRECIATION 6 Even a little acknowledgement of how much we stretch ourselves would go a long way to helping you feel better. But it is a two-way street. When your partner does something, Morgan suggests using the 'ultimate compliment formula' to show appreciation. Observe what they are doing, plus the positive impact it will have on your life. 'It might be something like: 'I see how hard you work to put snacks together for our kids and I am so grateful because I know they're never going to get ' hangry '. "Thank you for taking care of that, because I don't ever have to worry about it,'' says Morgan. 'It's deepening and expanding the way you interact with one another, creating more warmth and diffusing tension.' You may not feel much like praising your partner, but Morgan says it prompts reciprocation. 'It will dramatically shift your relationship,' she explains. OVERCOME A RESISTANT PARTNER 6 Some couples can't even talk about chores without it turning into an argument. Usually this stems from the other partner 'being defensive, dismissive, or minimising the reality of the situation by saying things like: 'You make it harder than you need to', or: 'Your expectations are too high', and it ends up with an argument about who's more exhausted,' warns Morgan. 'The reality is we often have this ideal that we wish for our relationship, but we are not treating one another in a way that gets us to that outcome. "So, we have to bring that to the surface. Ask your partner: 'What do you wish it was like to be in this relationship together?' "And then follow it up with: 'So, what are you willing to do to help us get there?'' LEARN TO BE A TEAM 6 Morgan recommends regular SHARE (Scheduled Home and Relationship Effort) meetings. 'It is a chance to touch base about the responsibilities in your home, how fair things are feeling, how your sex life is, how you're supporting each other and so on. They become part of the natural rhythm of your relationship, which helps to diffuse a lot of the anxiety that having these types of conversations can create.' It might feel awkward – and that's OK! Try to have a laugh about it, too. 'Remember, the mental load needs to be the villain in the story,' says Morgan. 'My goal is for couples to have a deeper and clearer perspective on one another's experiences, because when they understand and feel aligned with one another, they can start to view the mental load as the enemy and each other as teammates.' A Better Share: How Couples Can Tackle The Mental Load For More Fun, Less Resentment And Great Sex by Dr Morgan Cutlip is out July 3 (£20, Thomas Nelson).
