6 days ago
My gay lover is threatening to send snaps of us having sex to my fiancée if I end our affair… my world is imploding
One night I let him take pics of us in bed, which he promised he'd immediately delete
DEAR DEIDRE My gay lover is threatening to send snaps of us having sex to my fiancée if I end our affair… my world is imploding
DEAR DEIDRE: MY gay lover says he will send photos of us having sex to my fiancée if I insist on ending our affair.
All of this turmoil has made me realise how much I love my fiancée and how I can't bear the thought of hurting her or losing her.
I'm 34 and she is 32.
How do I make my lover come to his senses?
A couple of months ago, I went on a stag weekend with a group of mates.
I ended up sharing a room with a friend from my university days.
A lot of drinking took place and on the second morning I woke up in bed with him. Naked.
I'm not gay or even bisexual. But when he awoke and started kissing me, I found myself responding and we had sex again.
Sex with my fiancée has been rubbish lately, and it felt incredible to be passionate and physical with someone again.
So, when we got home and he messaged to say he wanted to meet again, I couldn't help myself. Since then we've been having a secret, and increasingly risky but thrilling, affair.
One night I let him take pictures of us in bed, which he promised he would immediately delete.
But last weekend, my fiancée started talking about wanting a baby, and I came to my senses.
Dear Deidre: Spotting the signs your partner is cheating
I realised I had to end my affair or I'd lose her.
I told my lover we needed to stop. I expected him to understand.
Instead, he said he couldn't let me go and that if I didn't agree to continue our sex sessions, he'd send my partner the pictures.
I don't know what to do. It feels like my life is about to implode.
DEIDRE SAYS: He is blackmailing you and threatening to share nude photos without your consent.
Those are crimes.
You need to make it clear to him that you can and will go to the police. Please get advice from (0345 6000 459).
If you have concerns about your sexuality, see my support pack, Bisexual Questions.
It would be wise for you to have an STI check. Find your nearest sexual health clinic through
As for your fiancée, if you love her you need to work on restoring intimacy so nothing like this can happen again.
My support pack, Looking After Your Relationship, may help.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to deardeidre@
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
MY ABUSIVE STEPSON IS RUINING OUR MARRIAGE
DEAR DEIDRE: CARING for my abusive stepson has ruined my marriage and my sex life.
I'm just so drained and exhausted I struggle to be in the mood for intimacy. How can I rescue our relationship?
I'm a 42-year-old man and last year married my girlfriend, who is 39.
She has a son, 15, from a previous relationship. He clearly disliked me from the start five years ago. But since we got married he's been nasty and violent.
After dealing with him, sex is the last thing on my mind. I have no energy.
My wife feels rejected, and it's adding to the arguments we're having over her son.
Even though we love each other, I sometimes think this marriage is too hard. What should I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: Raising stepchildren is challenging, particularly teenagers. It sounds like your wife's son is angry about his parents' break-up and resentful of the fact you've moved in with his mum.
He probably wants to come between you, so it's important you and your wife present a united front. Get parenting support from (0808 800 2222).
Stress often affects libido. Talk to your wife about this so she understands, and try to get some time alone to reconnect.
Couples counselling might also improve your relationship and sex life. See my support packs, How Counselling Can Help and Reviving A Man's Sex Drive.
DUMPED OVER HIS CANNABIS PROBLEM
DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend went out for a cigarette, but never returned.
We had been arguing a lot over his drug use, but he denied he had a problem. I know we can't be together while he smokes so much weed, but I'm devastated.
We're both in our late twenties and we were together for four years.
He wasn't into drugs at the start of our relationship, but smoked more and more – until it was all he cared about.
I told him he couldn't do drugs at home, so he went to smoke at his mates' homes for days on end.
A few weeks ago we had a massive row and he said he was going out for a cigarette.
That was the last I saw of him. His mum said he was staying at his friend's house.
He didn't reply to my messages, so I texted him to say we were over. But I miss him and worry so much.
DEIDRE SAYS: Drugs don't just destroy the user's life, they have a terrible impact on loved ones.
But, sadly, you can't support your ex-boyfriend unless he wants to be helped. And you've tried.
As much as you love him, you must look after yourself too. Talking to someone will help you to heal.
Read my support pack, Drug Worries, and see which helps people affected by another person's addictions.
Website also provides information and support.
EX GUILT-TRIPS ME FOR DATING
DEAR DEIDRE: IT'S been years since my marriage broke up, so why do I feel so guilty about dating someone new?
I haven't done anything wrong, but my ex- husband is making me feel like I'm cheating on him.
I'm 45 and was married for 16 years to a man I met at college. We split up four years ago.
Our marriage gradually fell apart, mainly because my husband was moody and argumentative and often put me down.
Eventually, I got tired of being miserable, realising I only had one life. We agreed to separate and eventually divorced.
We have remained friends since, but I've often felt he's too reliant on me for emotional support. Recently, I decided it was time to start dating again. I didn't want to be single any more.
I met a lovely guy online, who I have been seeing for a couple of months. He's kind, funny and great in bed. My ex used to make me feel fat and unattractive, but my new guy clearly loves my body.
As things are getting serious, I told my ex I'd met someone. He's been really off with me ever since.
He's acting like I've betrayed him, even though we're not together. How can I stop feeling bad and enjoy my new relationship?
DEIDRE SAYS: Your ex-husband put you down so much it's damaged your self-esteem, that's why you're questioning yourself.
But you have nothing to feel guilty about. You deserve happiness with someone who values you.
The fact you still give him emotional support despite how he treated you shows what a caring person you are. He clearly doesn't want to lose that. But it's time to put yourself first.
My support pack, Raising Self-Esteem, should help you to rebuild your confidence, and another one, Standing Up For Yourself, will help you make it clear to your ex that his guilt trip won't work.
