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The Guardian
20-07-2025
- Entertainment
- The Guardian
There is one universal sex tip. It is simple, teachable and obvious
In the fifth season of the British cringe comedy series Peep Show about two dysfunctional flatmates, Mark tells Jeremy that, for the first time in his life, he thinks he's getting sex right. This is thanks to a new partner's very explicit instructions. 'That's cheating,' Jeremy complains. 'Anyone can please a woman if she tells you what to do. You're not allowed to ask. That's the whole point.' I've spent a year trying to figure out why straight women are statistically last on the list when it comes to having pleasurable sex, but that one minute of television pretty much sums it up. I've asked 55 women about the hottest moments of their lives and have never heard the same answer twice. When it comes to sex, the things that light us up are so specific and individual, I suspect that if I asked 1,000 women, I would get 1,000 different answers. When I asked women what they think their partner did to enable that one overwhelming moment, however, there was far less variety. Instead, I heard three answers over and over. The first two – great circumstances and great chemistry – happen by chance. But the third answer is astonishingly simple – and obvious. It takes no luck, no money and can be learned. It is: 'He just asked.' Everyone responds to physical touch in different ways. Every woman's fantasy life is different. Given the infinite diversity of taste, the best way to understand the person you are with is by asking them what they want. 'Ask your lover' is the only universal sex tip. Yet few men are taught it. Instead, through Hollywood films, pornography and locker-room talk, they learn that they should already know the answer (impossible). As Jeremy says to Mark, they are taught success is about the right guess. Sign up for the fun stuff with our rundown of must-reads, pop culture and tips for the weekend, every Saturday morning Maya*, who is in her mid-50s, once assumed her sex life was over. With her husband of 30 years, it certainly had been. But when she started dating post-divorce, she met a man who changed her mind. With him she went from 'a fairly vanilla experience of sex' to a 'whole multitude of experiences'. This partner was adventurous and knowledgable, and together they went on a 'deeply physical' journey. Through this relationship she learned what she really likes and what her body is capable of. In the early stages of this discovery period, she felt self-conscious about her inexperience and her appearance. She 'hadn't really ever experienced really great sex', she says. 'You don't know what you don't know.' But her partner kept asking about her fantasies, her desires and what felt good for her. He would bring her toys to try, to see what she might like. Slowly, she opened up. She learned that with the right setting and partner, she is multi-orgasmic and can experience orgasms from varied stimulation. Although that partner is out of the picture now, Maya still hums with sexual energy. It's an energy she has brought into new relationships. Now she knows what she wants and is confident asking her partners what they want too. Like Maya, some women I've spoken with did not know how to answer the first time someone asked them what they wanted. Others felt liberated, or relieved. And some women, upon realising that asking is the only trick, grew incandescent with rage. Not at the man who asked, but at all the men who did not. Talking may be the only key to a fulfilling sex life – especially in long-term relationships – but for many people, sex is easier done than said. So how does one get good at discussing sex when our genitals are synonymous with the word 'unmentionables'? Betty Martin, the founder of the School of Consent, suggests starting with a game. Given the paucity of good sex education, and the awkwardness and vulnerability that sex talk can entail, Martin says without deliberate practise, 'it's amazing that anybody has a good time at all'. For Martin, learning to ask and answer lies in action, not description. Which is why the Three-Minute Game is her cure-all. The game is played in pairs and consists of two questions. In Martin's version, these are: 'How would you like me to touch you?' and 'How would you like to touch me?' Each player takes turns asking and answering, giving feedback along the way, for three minutes at a time. The goal is to make the implicit explicit, teach turn taking and bring clarity to the sometimes murky waters of who does what and for whom. Playing in this way expands your repertoire as you learn to ask for new things, Martin says: 'So many women have never had an experience of being touched exactly the way they want. They just don't know it's possible.' But in the game, 'nothing happens except what you asked for'. At first, the game will feel awkward, she cautions, but, like most good things in life, it gets easier with practice. Sign up to Saved for Later Catch up on the fun stuff with Guardian Australia's culture and lifestyle rundown of pop culture, trends and tips after newsletter promotion I also sought out men whom women had nominated as excellent lovers, which is how I came to talk to Paul. Paul also asks questions and takes a creative approach to discovering his partners' desires. He asks them to write a list. He says the act of writing something down makes you really, rationally consider what you do and do not want. If you write that you want to be tied up, for instance, you 'already have the picture in your mind'. So you have to ask yourself twice before you say, 'I'm really writing that'. Writing lists is also a game with a name: Yes/No/Maybe. Playing involves writing down every sex act and scenario you can imagine (or taking one of the several hundred prefab lists you can easily find online), and sorting them into three columns: Yes for 'I think I'd like this and want to try it'; Maybe for 'I'd be prepared to try this if the circumstances were right'; and No for 'I never want to do this and I don't want you to do it to me'. While you're working on your list, your partner gets busy doing the same. Then the two of you get together, compare lists and discover all the ways in which you are compatible. For Paul, a Yes/No/Maybe list is 'like a perimeter' around where to explore. A sex psychology researcher, Dr Justin Lehmiller, has found that people who share their fantasies with partners tend to have more fulfilling sex lives – but also that not many people are willing to do so. When he surveyed more than 4,000 Americans on their fantasy lives, he learned that supposedly taboo sexual desires like BDSM and group sex are actually incredibly common. More than half his research participants report having these kinds of fantasies sometimes, which means many couples may have a lot of unexplored common ground. Paul says that during sex, there is pressure from a young age to know everything about yourself, what you like and how to get it. This feels like a form of insanity to him. 'We don't say that for food, we don't say that for travelling, we don't say that for friends,' he says. Sexual exploration, just like travelling or trying a new hobby, can yield many self-discoveries. This is why he has learned to ask his partners many questions, 'and I love to pay attention to their answers'. There's a reason the Three-Minute Game and Yes/No/Maybe, both of which are sometimes used by sex therapists, require mutual disclosure. Great partnered sex is an act of co-creation, in which all parties can take turns to ask, listen and learn. Before Maya re-entered the dating pool, she always thought of sex as 'something that's quite organic … just this sort of fluid thing' that did not need much discussion. But the partner who changed her approach to sex planned in advance and asked her for feedback. She says he was curious about her body: 'He was like, 'Oh, I wonder what she'll think of this. How will this feel for her?'' That attention made her feel 'completely sexy and desired'. She learned to trust him, to relax into the situation and be 'excited for … what's next on the menu'. * Name has been changed Alyx Gorman is Guardian Australia's lifestyle editor and the author of All Women Want, published by HarperCollins, out now
The Guardian
20-07-2025
- General
- The Guardian
‘It's not just pleasure – it's resistance': portraits of people with their sex toys around the world
Most of us are taught to keep our sexual lives private. We're taught to hide our desires, and all too often, to be ashamed of them. Cultural instruction about sex tends to be very prescriptive. Sex happens in our bedrooms, behind closed doors, between a man and a woman. Sex is for procreation rather than pleasure. Sex is for marriage. Sex should only happen when you fall in love. If you're a woman, you should only have one sexual partner for the whole of your life. If you're a man, the sky's the limit. Certainly, some of these mores have shifted over time, relaxed a bit. But mostly, we're supposed to keep our sex lives to ourselves. And certainly, we aren't supposed to partake of anything that would strain the strictures of 'good taste', like say, pornography or sex toys. My Toys, a project from Italian photographer Gabriele Galimberti, is a frank celebration of the devices and accessories we use in our erotic lives. He photographed people, from around the world, with their collections of sex toys. It is a visual ode to pleasure, one that might be easy to dismiss or titter at given our general cultural discomfort with talking openly about sex and pleasure and what we do, what we use, how we enjoy our erotic lives. Our bodies can be lush sites of pleasure all on their own, but there is no shame in wanting, craving, seeking more. Toys give us access to that more. They afford us some control over our pleasure. They allow us to be expansive in our explorations of our bodies and the bodies of lovers. They allow us to test limits, to be voracious, even greedy with our sexual appetites. And why not? Galimberti's new work stands in stark contrast to a previous project, The Ameriguns, a series of photographs of Americans, from all walks of life, with their extensive gun collections. We know America has a gun problem, that there are more guns than people in the United States, that unfettered access to guns, no matter the consequence, is a core tenet of conservative ideology but still … to see the shocking abundance of weaponry laid out on a pool deck, or in a bedroom, or neatly organised in a room dedicated to firearms, is jarring. It is damning. It is terrifying. I was reminded of The Ameriguns, because there is far less cultural sanction toward such wanton displays of weaponry than toward overt displays of sexuality. My Toys is not prurient, but it is fascinating. The sheer range and quantity of toys on display is impressive and even educational. Each image in the series speaks to the diverse buffet of a healthy sex life – so much possibility in so many shapes and sizes. In the photos, the toys aren't actively being used. Instead, they are artfully arranged in a semicircle on a wood floor or in a neat row on a coffee table or on a kitchen counter or hanging from a large wall rack. The people allowing us these intimate moments look into the camera. Many of them have small but sly smiles, giving the impression that they know something delightful that we don't. I admire the unabashed confidence of the subjects, so willing to share with strangers a window into their sex lives, how they receive pleasure, how they give it. When you look at sex toys, it can feel kind of silly. Many look alien. You study them and wonder how, exactly, they're supposed to be used until, through trial and error, you figure it all out and, hopefully, enjoy the reward of your efforts. There is a pact many friends make, an entreaty, should something terrible happen to us, to rush to one another's homes, for the sole purpose of clearing out whatever cache of sex toys and other contraband we might have, before our families descend and go through our things. It's funny but also not, a reminder of the ambient anxiety many of us have around admitting that yes, we have sex, and yes, some of us use toys. That we care about what people might think about our erotic lives after we are dead and no longer able to feel shame or have to withstand judgment speaks to the way shame is intertwined with our sex lives. I don't really write about my own sex life. Perhaps, it is the Catholic in me. Or the fact that I teach college students. Or that I am shy. Or that I believe some things are better kept private, because they are intimate and sacred. My wife and I have toys, we enjoy them, though we aren't particularly organised about them. It's nice to have options. We don't have to limit ourselves. As consenting adults, we are free to explore the pleasures of one another without restraint (metaphorically) and with restraint (literally). As I have transitioned into middle age, I have become intensely bored by puritanical attitudes toward sex. The abnegation of pleasure, the valorisation of erotic austerity, hold no sway. To what end do we deny our desires? Who does our dissatisfaction really satisfy? But being sex-positive, libertine, open to the fullness of an erotic life is not apolitical. It does not happen in a vacuum. As Amia Srinivasan notes in The Right to Sex, 'the sex-positive gaze risks covering not only for misogyny, but for racism, ableism, transphobia, and every other oppressive system that makes its way into the bedroom through the seemingly innocuous mechanism of 'personal preference''. We want what we want, yes, but are we willing to interrogate why and what has influenced our desires? In some ways, sex toys liberate us from some of these questions. It is just us and, perhaps our partner(s) and a girthy length of silicone or strands of leather bound to a handle or metal nipple clamps dangling from a chain, and the possibilities of where our erotic imaginations lead us. In My Toys, we see some of what that looks like, a gorgeous atlas of abundant desire. It is a fantasy, though, to believe sex toys might free us from the ills of oppression. In some parts of the world, in some states within the US, the purchasing and/or owning of sex toys is verboten. In Thailand, they are considered obscene objects. Sex toys cannot be imported to the Maldives. They cannot be sold in Alabama, or Mississippi, and under Texas Penal Code 43.23 an adult can only legally own five or fewer sex toys. How the Lone Star state enforces that law, I couldn't tell you. It all comes down to control, but pleasure is one realm where few people will allow themselves to be controlled (nonconsensually). We must deny ourselves all kinds of things, for all kinds of reasons, but pleasure, that is ours. We have every right to embrace our libidinal selves, licitly and illicitly, alone, or with strangers, or partners or others. It is how we can surrender to the whelm of desire. It is why, in the images here, we see the smirks, but we also see defiance. Put another way: for our fifth wedding anniversary this year, my wife Debbie gave me a piece of art from Joseph Beuys, a 3inx8in piece of paper with the word 'SURRENDER' in bold type. My cheeks immediately warmed because I knew the art was not just art. It was an offering. Bustie, 49, burlesque performer, and Tony, 60, Amsterdam, Netherlands Bustie: Sex has really changed for Tony and me as our bodies have changed. For me, it's perimenopause, and Tony has a spinal cord injury. Tony was active in the BDSM scene and I was always a really sexual person, so there has been a lot of grief. But it was nice to take the toys out for the photo. Some of them we hadn't used for a while – it was a bit of a sad moment. You think, where have you been? Tony has started to give some away to friends because they should be enjoyed – especially the beautiful leather ones. Bodies change over time. What feels good now might not feel good 10 years later. What's changed is which toys we play with. To wield a whip, you need to be able to stand, balance, have strength in your arm; it's quite a workout. And for me, sometimes with perimenopause, genitals respond differently, and vibrators feel more intense. So we're using different, gentler toys now, much more foreplay and much more lube. The root of the stigma is the patriarchy. A straight man who has a lot of sex isn't shamed about it, but everyone else is. Frida, 37, sex shop owner, Milan, Italy My first sex toy was horrible! I got it in my early 20s from a shop in Berlin – this terrible red, huge, too hard vibrator. I think I used it once and put it in a drawer. It was a bit of a wake-up call for me. I thought, maybe I have to be the person who brings higher-quality products to people. So 10 years ago I opened a shop called Wovo (which sounds like the Italian word for 'egg'). It could trivially be considered a sex shop, but I wanted it to be a point of connection for Milanese subcultures, where people don't have to feel as if they need to hide or justify themselves for having unconventional sexual preferences. It's a place where the topic is, first and foremost, normalised. We organise sex parties which have strict rules about consent and people as sexual subjects, not objects, and this also challenges a very rooted cultural idea about owning one's partner. Social media has done a great job on the normalisation of sex and masturbation, but also of the non-desire for sex. It's important to make all people feel included. I also think the influence of family in Italy means that we inherit a cultural legacy of fascism from our grandparents, which obviously limits sexual freedom and gender expression. Historically, we have not been a particularly rebellious country that fought for its rights; whereas in Spain, for example, the feminist struggle has made itself heard much more. Griffon, 45, artist and entrepreneur, New York, US (photographed in Austin, Texas) I grew up in the Oregon countryside before the internet was around to answer my questions, give me ideas, or offer something like Amazon to deliver what I needed at a moment's notice. I used to use all sorts of things: tampons before I even got my period, vegetables from the garden – once I sculpted a dildo out of duct tape. Looking back, I am amazed at how resourceful I was. Now I love to use the Hitachi Magic Wand with my partners, combined with a thrusting dildo if I'm playing alone. Where sex toys are winning in my life is that I actually orgasm. I'm amazed at how often men don't even care if we enjoy it. Coco, 30, clinical sexologist, Thailand Sex is not just pleasure – it's resistance. Every time I claim ownership of my desires, I reject the patriarchal script that says my body exists for male consumption. Society polices women's sexuality through slut-shaming, purity culture, and reproductive control – but my autonomy is my rebellion. Whether I embrace celibacy, casual sex, self-pleasure, or committed intimacy, the power lies in my decision. Sex toys are illegal here in Thailand; talking about them has become how I 'screen' people. If someone claims they're open-minded but then says legalising sex toys is 'morally debatable'? Out. After sharing my story, I realised how many people were waiting for someone to say out loud that it's OK to like sex. To have a body that doesn't fit some bullshit 'standard'. To unapologetically take up space in a world that tells us to be quiet, ashamed, and small. I do it because the second I did, people exhaled. Enkiny, 29, artist, Qingdao, China I don't see any difference between the topic of sex and something like food – I can say I like spicy or sweet flavours, and I can express my love for sex toys. However, with older generations like my parents', I would never talk about sex toys in front of them; it's still something they would find difficult to accept. In my art, I explore themes of self-awareness, including sexuality. That is a result of the social environment we live in. My German friends and I can discuss sex, and there's no embarrassment. On the other hand, in China, most people tend to avoid the topic. My ex-partner and I both believed that sex toys were an important part of enhancing our experiences. But when I was gifted a whip, that took me by surprise! Serena, 35, nurse, Florence, Italy For me, sex is a necessity. I crave it and think it's essential in my relationship above all. As a homosexual woman, toys take the pleasure of penetration to a higher level. In long-term relationships, they encourage you to discover yourself and your partner. Also when you imagine how to first use them, it's fun. At the moment, the curve dildo is my favourite, because of its shape and dimensions. There aren't many spaces where you can share thoughts about sexuality without being judged. I don't really care what others think of my personal life – it's called personal for a reason. By showing myself to the public, I'd like to encourage people to live freely. Nadia, 36, geophysicist, Kilamba, Angola For me, sex is a synonym of relaxation. It's a biological manifestation of the fact we were born to complement one another. This is my favourite toy, but for me they are mere curiosity – I can live without them. Enrica, 33, data visualisation manager, Milan, Italy Sometimes with my partner I felt blocked, and so initially I used sex toys alone to try to get back in touch with myself and my body. The sensations you get when you know your body are totally different. It unlocks pathways to emotional connection with a partner, and also creates a connection with yourself and with your body that you then carry into the rest of your life. I bought my first dildo about two years ago out of curiosity, during a Black Friday sale. After using it, I wondered why I hadn't done it sooner and why none of the people close to me had told me to do it. My favourite depends on my mood, but it's probably the clit sucker. Talking about sex feels normal for me, like I'm showing tools that should be part of everyone's lives. You don't have to work in the sex toy industry for it to be normalised; you can work in analytics and still chat with people about it. I think while there's still stigma, we are more able to create sex-positive spaces. When people see this picture of me, reactions are split between positivity and, 'You're crazy to expose yourself like this!' and 'Are they all yours?' Daniel, 30, PA to an MP, Berlin, Germany Sex for me means joy, personal freedom and emancipation. Sexuality constitutes an important part of me as a human being. I have a positive idea of sex and admire the variety of sexual experiences, be it random or intimate, sensitive, rough or whatever. I prefer casual human bodily contact over the use of sex toys, which I have barely used with other people. But I still see them as a vital part of my sex life. It's easy fun that is available 24/7. Many people use sex toys – they bring joy and pleasure. Why shouldn't I speak publicly about them? Carmen, 38, motion graphic designer, Barcelona, Spain Sex is a way to discover yourself, a way to try new things and see what we like and don't like – and that evolves and changes. Over the past five years, I went into a research phase around my sexuality, and sexuality in general – reading books, listening to podcasts and so on. Reading about sex toys and sex education made me want to test out new things. I realised that at times, particularly when I was young, I was doing things not for my own pleasure, but because in some way someone told me to. I bought my first sex toy in 2011 after watching a Sex and the City episode where they were talking about the Rabbit. Right now, my favourite one is ceramic; I love beautiful objects, so that's a factor when choosing one. I'm tired of society always wanting us to shut up about sex. People have kinks, women masturbate just as men do and no, not everyone likes the same things. There are still taboos around it but I hope that talking about sex, self-pleasure and kinks is getting more normalised. Jessica, 35, cartoonist, Amsterdam, Netherlands My introduction to the world of sex toys was nothing short of iconic. I grew up in Maryland in a strong matriarchal family. When I was about 18 my mom found out I was having sex, sat me down and said: 'When it comes to your pleasure, you can't always rely on men to get the job done.' Then, with a knowing smile, she handed me some cash. 'Here's some money for a vibrator.' So armed with her encouragement and the legendary Rabbit vibrator, I embarked on a journey of self-discovery and took control of my own pleasure. It took me years to realise I could bring my partner into this process. Men often have a fear of sex toys because they think, 'But where am I in this?' Men grew up being told the goal is to perform and women were taught to fake orgasms and centre male pleasure. I still think a big problem is that many women don't know that their own pleasure is valid. Sex toys are a normal part of many people's lives, yet a lot of shame still surrounds them. I moved to the Netherlands a decade ago and found myself living in this 17-person university flat, heartbroken, unemployed and embarrassed about my life. So I decided to draw about it. That led to the creation of Vanillacooldance, my cartoon on a mission to break taboos about sexuality and relationships. By sharing my stories and the thousands I get back, we all collectively realise that we're not alone. Silence breeds shame. Alexis, 46, writer, Berlin, Germany Toys teach me to slow down and savour new pleasure paths. My ex-partner gifted me a toy for my 40th birthday. My clitoris was thrilled! Now I test them for the brand. I wish we were given toys as teenagers as part of public education, before we even had partnered sex. Because from a female perspective, I think we are overtly and subconsciously taught that we are here to give pleasure, to perform pleasure and to be receptive to this external force. And that creates a really messed-up feedback loop. If we were to give a young lady of maybe 16 a toy to start to explore her body, it would help de-stigmatise self-pleasure and agency. Can you imagine the dialogue that would open up around that? Hugo, 31, painter, and Tania, 34, performance artist and acrobat, Berlin, Germany Tania: Sex should be playful and exploratory, a way of showing love and affection to yourself and your partner. Toys are the perfect way to experience new sensations and intensify existing ones, and also to explore outside the gender roles of sex. I came out as queer not long ago and it was life-altering to realise that if I wanted a big and beautiful pink cock, I could have one. It has been a slow journey of self-discovery with my own desires and sexuality. Growing up femme-presenting and a people-pleaser, sex was more about the other person than my own experience of pleasure. My first toy was a little bullet vibrator that my roommate in college went to buy with me when one drunken night I told her I had never had an orgasm. It wasn't until I met Hugo that I really got into sex toys. I remember being a little overwhelmed and excited seeing his collection for the first time, and almost surprised that he had so many toys designed for female pleasure. I had never had a partner who was interested in pleasing me without reciprocal expectations. I grew up in a household that never discussed sex. I was born in Italy, where you don't even talk about tampons; then I went to Catholic school in Georgia, US. Our sex education was basically just showing all the diseases you could get – it stunted my sexuality. Living in Berlin, and with this relationship in particular, I felt excited and safe exploring my sexuality. Our connection has only deepened through the use of sex toys; they allow us to please each other in ways we never thought possible. Hugo: I'm a surrealist painter and include sex toys in my paintings. When I was growing up, there was an idea that sex toys were only for women or old people. Men can be scared of them. First, there's a bit of homophobia; then also the idea that if you introduce one into your relationship, you're admitting you're not enough for your woman. But toys bring a lot of pleasure and fun, especially in a couple situation. Gulim, 41, writer/content designer, Almaty, Kazakhstan I don't have a partner right now, so toys help me not to lose interest in sex. A close friend owns a sex shop and gave me my first one. I don't use it any more, but keep it as a souvenir. At the moment, my favourite is the Womanizer; I call it the Porsche of vibrators. In Kazakhstan, the topic of sex is taboo. When I published photos of myself in underwear on social networks, several people said overweight women should be ashamed to show themselves. I want to fight prejudices about overweight women. We are also beautiful, sexy, love sex and orgasms.
The Guardian
19-07-2025
- Entertainment
- The Guardian
There is one universal sex tip. It is simple, teachable and obvious
In the fifth season of the British cringe comedy series Peep Show about two dysfunctional flatmates, Mark tells Jeremy that, for the first time in his life, he thinks he's getting sex right. This is thanks to new partner's very explicit instructions. 'That's cheating,' Jeremy complains. 'Anyone can please a woman if she tells you what to do. You're not allowed to ask. That's the whole point.' I've spent a year trying to figure out why straight women are statistically last on the list when it comes to having pleasurable sex, but that one minute of television pretty much sums it up. I've asked 55 women about the hottest moments of their lives and have never heard the same answer twice. When it comes to sex, the things that light us up are so specific and individual, I suspect that if I asked 1,000 women I would get 1,000 different answers. When I asked women what they think their partner did to enable that one overwhelming moment, however, there was far less variety. Instead, I heard three answers over and over. The first two – great circumstances and great chemistry – happen by chance. But the third answer is astonishingly simple – and obvious. It takes no luck, no money and can be learned. It is: 'He just asked.' Everyone responds to physical touch in different ways. Every woman's fantasy life is different. Given the infinite diversity of taste, the best way to understand the person you are with is by asking them what they want. 'Ask your lover' is the only universal sex tip. Yet few men are taught it. Instead, through Hollywood films, pornography and locker-room talk, they learn that they should already know the answer (impossible). As Jeremy says to Mark, they are taught success is about the right guess. Maya*, who is in her mid-50s, once assumed her sex life was over. With her husband of 30 years, it certainly had been. But when she started dating post-divorce, she met a man who changed her mind. With him she went from 'a fairly vanilla experience of sex' to a 'whole multitude of experiences'. This partner was adventurous and knowledgable, and together they went on a 'deeply physical' journey. Through this relationship she learned what she really likes and what her body is capable of. In the early stages of this discovery period, she felt self-conscious about her inexperience and her appearance. She 'hadn't really ever experienced really great sex', she says. 'You don't know what you don't know.' But her partner kept asking about her fantasies, her desires and what felt good for her. He would bring her toys to try, to see what she might like. Slowly she opened up. She learned that with the right setting and partner, she is multi-orgasmic and can experience orgasms from varied stimulation. Although that partner is out of the picture now, Maya still hums with sexual energy. It's an energy she has brought into new relationships. Now she knows what she wants and is confident asking her partners what they want too. Like Maya, some women I've spoken with did not know how to answer the first time someone asked them what they wanted. Others felt liberated, or relieved. And some women, upon realising that asking is the only trick, grew incandescent with rage. Not at the man who asked but at all the men who did not. Talking may be the only key to a fulfilling sex life – especially in long-term relationships – but for many people, sex is easier done than said. So how does one get good at discussing sex when our genitals are synonymous with the word 'unmentionables'? Betty Martin, the founder of the School of Consent, suggests starting with a game. Given the paucity of good sex education, and the awkwardness and vulnerability that sex talk can entail, Martin says without deliberate practise 'it's amazing that anybody has a good time at all'. For Martin, learning to ask and answer lies in action, not description. Which is why the Three-Minute Game is her cure-all. The game is played in pairs and consists of two questions. In Martin's version, these are: 'How would you like me to touch you?' and 'How would you like to touch me?' Each player takes turns asking and answering, giving feedback along the way, for three minutes at a time. The goal is to make the implicit explicit, teach turn taking and bring clarity to the sometimes murky waters of who does what and for whom. Playing in this way expands your repertoire as you learn to ask for new things, Martin says: 'So many women have never had an experience of being touched exactly the way they want. They just don't know it's possible.' But in the game, 'nothing happens except what you asked for'. At first, the game will feel awkward, she cautions, but, like most good things in life, it gets easier with practice. I also sought out men who women had nominated as excellent lovers, which is how I came to talk to Paul. Paul also asks questions and takes a creative approach to discovering his partners' desires. He asks them to write a list. He says the act of writing something down makes you really, rationally consider what you do and do not want. If you write that you want to be tied up, for instance, you 'already have the picture in your mind'. So you have to ask yourself twice before you say, 'I'm really writing that'. Writing lists is also a game with a name: Yes/No/Maybe. Playing involves writing down every sex act and scenario you can imagine (or taking one of the several hundred prefab lists you can easily find online), and sorting them into three columns: Yes for 'I think I'd like this and want to try it'; Maybe for 'I'd be prepared to try this if the circumstances were right'; and No for 'I never want to do this and I don't want you to do it to me'. While you're working on your list, your partner gets busy doing the same. Then the two of you get together, compare lists and discover all the ways in which you are compatible. For Paul, a Yes/No/Maybe list is 'like a perimeter' around where to explore. A sex psychology researcher, Dr Justin Lehmiller, has found that people who share their fantasies with partners tend to have more fulfilling sex lives – but also that not many people are willing to do so. When he surveyed more than 4,000 Americans on their fantasy lives, he learned that supposedly taboo sexual desires like BDSM and group sex are actually incredibly common. More than half his research participants report having these kinds of fantasies sometimes, which means many couples may have a lot of unexplored common ground. Paul says that during sex there is pressure from a young age to know everything about yourself, what you like and how to get it. This feels like a form of insanity to him. 'We don't say that for food, we don't say that for travelling, we don't say that for friends,' he says. Sexual exploration, just like travelling or trying a new hobby, can yield many self-discoveries. This is why he has learned to ask his partners many questions, 'and I love to pay attention to their answers'. There's a reason the Three-Minute Game and Yes/No/Maybe, both of which are sometimes used by sex therapists, require mutual disclosure. Great partnered sex is an act of co-creation, in which all parties can take turns to ask, listen and learn. Before Maya re-entered the dating pool, she always thought of sex as 'something that's quite organic … just this sort of fluid thing' that did not need much discussion. But the partner who changed her approach to sex planned in advance and asked her for feedback. She says he was curious about her body: 'He was like, 'Oh, I wonder what she'll think of this. How will this feel for her?'' That attention made her feel, 'completely sexy and desired'. She learned to trust him, to relax into the situation and be 'excited for … what's next on the menu'. * Name has been changed Alyx Gorman is Guardian Australia's lifestyle editor and the author of All Women Want, published by HarperCollins, out now
The Guardian
19-07-2025
- General
- The Guardian
‘It's not just pleasure – it's resistance': portraits of people with their sex toys around the world
Most of us are taught to keep our sexual lives private. We're taught to hide our desires, and all too often, to be ashamed of them. Cultural instruction about sex tends to be very prescriptive. Sex happens in our bedrooms, behind closed doors, between a man and a woman. Sex is for procreation rather than pleasure. Sex is for marriage. Sex should only happen when you fall in love. If you're a woman, you should only have one sexual partner for the whole of your life. If you're a man, the sky's the limit. Certainly, some of these mores have shifted over time, relaxed a bit. But mostly, we're supposed to keep our sex lives to ourselves. And certainly, we aren't supposed to partake of anything that would strain the strictures of 'good taste', like say, pornography or sex toys. My Toys, a project from Italian photographer Gabriele Galimberti, is a frank celebration of the devices and accessories we use in our erotic lives. He photographed people, from around the world, with their collections of sex toys. It is a visual ode to pleasure, one that might be easy to dismiss or titter at given our general cultural discomfort with talking openly about sex and pleasure and what we do, what we use, how we enjoy our erotic lives. Our bodies can be lush sites of pleasure all on their own, but there is no shame in wanting, craving, seeking more. Toys give us access to that more. They afford us some control over our pleasure. They allow us to be expansive in our explorations of our bodies and the bodies of lovers. They allow us to test limits, to be voracious, even greedy with our sexual appetites. And why not? Galimberti's new work stands in stark contrast to a previous project, The Ameriguns, a series of photographs of Americans, from all walks of life, with their extensive gun collections. We know America has a gun problem, that there are more guns than people in the United States, that unfettered access to guns, no matter the consequence, is a core tenet of conservative ideology but still … to see the shocking abundance of weaponry laid out on a pool deck, or in a bedroom, or neatly organised in a room dedicated to firearms, is jarring. It is damning. It is terrifying. I was reminded of The Ameriguns, because there is far less cultural sanction toward such wanton displays of weaponry than toward overt displays of sexuality. My Toys is not prurient, but it is fascinating. The sheer range and quantity of toys on display is impressive and even educational. Each image in the series speaks to the diverse buffet of a healthy sex life – so much possibility in so many shapes and sizes. In the photos, the toys aren't actively being used. Instead, they are artfully arranged in a semicircle on a wood floor or in a neat row on a coffee table or on a kitchen counter or hanging from a large wall rack. The people allowing us these intimate moments look into the camera. Many of them have small but sly smiles, giving the impression that they know something delightful that we don't. I admire the unabashed confidence of the subjects, so willing to share with strangers a window into their sex lives, how they receive pleasure, how they give it. When you look at sex toys, it can feel kind of silly. Many look alien. You study them and wonder how, exactly, they're supposed to be used until, through trial and error, you figure it all out and, hopefully, enjoy the reward of your efforts. There is a pact many friends make, an entreaty, should something terrible happen to us, to rush to one another's homes, for the sole purpose of clearing out whatever cache of sex toys and other contraband we might have, before our families descend and go through our things. It's funny but also not, a reminder of the ambient anxiety many of us have around admitting that yes, we have sex, and yes, some of us use toys. That we care about what people might think about our erotic lives after we are dead and no longer able to feel shame or have to withstand judgment speaks to the way shame is intertwined with our sex lives. I don't really write about my own sex life. Perhaps, it is the Catholic in me. Or the fact that I teach college students. Or that I am shy. Or that I believe some things are better kept private, because they are intimate and sacred. My wife and I have toys, we enjoy them, though we aren't particularly organised about them. It's nice to have options. We don't have to limit ourselves. As consenting adults, we are free to explore the pleasures of one another without restraint (metaphorically) and with restraint (literally). As I have transitioned into middle age, I have become intensely bored by puritanical attitudes toward sex. The abnegation of pleasure, the valorisation of erotic austerity, hold no sway. To what end do we deny our desires? Who does our dissatisfaction really satisfy? But being sex-positive, libertine, open to the fullness of an erotic life is not apolitical. It does not happen in a vacuum. As Amia Srinivasan notes in The Right to Sex, 'the sex-positive gaze risks covering not only for misogyny, but for racism, ableism, transphobia, and every other oppressive system that makes its way into the bedroom through the seemingly innocuous mechanism of 'personal preference''. We want what we want, yes, but are we willing to interrogate why and what has influenced our desires? In some ways, sex toys liberate us from some of these questions. It is just us and, perhaps our partner(s) and a girthy length of silicone or strands of leather bound to a handle or metal nipple clamps dangling from a chain, and the possibilities of where our erotic imaginations lead us. In My Toys, we see some of what that looks like, a gorgeous atlas of abundant desire. It is a fantasy, though, to believe sex toys might free us from the ills of oppression. In some parts of the world, in some states within the US, the purchasing and/or owning of sex toys is verboten. In Thailand, they are considered obscene objects. Sex toys cannot be imported to the Maldives. They cannot be sold in Alabama, or Mississippi, and under Texas Penal Code 43.23 an adult can only legally own five or fewer sex toys. How the Lone Star state enforces that law, I couldn't tell you. It all comes down to control, but pleasure is one realm where few people will allow themselves to be controlled (nonconsensually). We must deny ourselves all kinds of things, for all kinds of reasons, but pleasure, that is ours. We have every right to embrace our libidinal selves, licitly and illicitly, alone, or with strangers, or partners or others. It is how we can surrender to the whelm of desire. It is why, in the images here, we see the smirks, but we also see defiance. Put another way: for our fifth wedding anniversary this year, my wife Debbie gave me a piece of art from Joseph Beuys, a 3inx8in piece of paper with the word 'SURRENDER' in bold type. My cheeks immediately warmed because I knew the art was not just art. It was an offering. Bustie, 49, burlesque performer, and Tony, 60, Amsterdam, Netherlands Bustie: Sex has really changed for Tony and me as our bodies have changed. For me, it's perimenopause, and Tony has a spinal cord injury. Tony was active in the BDSM scene and I was always a really sexual person, so there has been a lot of grief. But it was nice to take the toys out for the photo. Some of them we hadn't used for a while – it was a bit of a sad moment. You think, where have you been? Tony has started to give some away to friends because they should be enjoyed – especially the beautiful leather ones. Bodies change over time. What feels good now might not feel good 10 years later. What's changed is which toys we play with. To wield a whip, you need to be able to stand, balance, have strength in your arm; it's quite a workout. And for me, sometimes with perimenopause, genitals respond differently, and vibrators feel more intense. So we're using different, gentler toys now, much more foreplay and much more lube. The root of the stigma is the patriarchy. A straight man who has a lot of sex isn't shamed about it, but everyone else is. Frida, 37, sex shop owner, Milan, Italy My first sex toy was horrible! I got it in my early 20s from a shop in Berlin – this terrible red, huge, too hard vibrator. I think I used it once and put it in a drawer. It was a bit of a wake-up call for me. I thought, maybe I have to be the person who brings higher-quality products to people. So 10 years ago I opened a shop called Wovo (which sounds like the Italian word for 'egg'). It could trivially be considered a sex shop, but I wanted it to be a point of connection for Milanese subcultures, where people don't have to feel as if they need to hide or justify themselves for having unconventional sexual preferences. It's a place where the topic is, first and foremost, normalised. We organise sex parties which have strict rules about consent and people as sexual subjects, not objects, and this also challenges a very rooted cultural idea about owning one's partner. Social media has done a great job on the normalisation of sex and masturbation, but also of the non-desire for sex. It's important to make all people feel included. I also think the influence of family in Italy means that we inherit a cultural legacy of fascism from our grandparents, which obviously limits sexual freedom and gender expression. Historically, we have not been a particularly rebellious country that fought for its rights; whereas in Spain, for example, the feminist struggle has made itself heard much more. Griffon, 45, artist and entrepreneur, New York, US (photographed in Austin, Texas) I grew up in the Oregon countryside before the internet was around to answer my questions, give me ideas, or offer something like Amazon to deliver what I needed at a moment's notice. I used to use all sorts of things: tampons before I even got my period, vegetables from the garden – once I sculpted a dildo out of duct tape. Looking back, I am amazed at how resourceful I was. Now I love to use the Hitachi Magic Wand with my partners, combined with a thrusting dildo if I'm playing alone. Where sex toys are winning in my life is that I actually orgasm. I'm amazed at how often men don't even care if we enjoy it. Coco, 30, clinical sexologist, Thailand Sex is not just pleasure – it's resistance. Every time I claim ownership of my desires, I reject the patriarchal script that says my body exists for male consumption. Society polices women's sexuality through slut-shaming, purity culture, and reproductive control – but my autonomy is my rebellion. Whether I embrace celibacy, casual sex, self-pleasure, or committed intimacy, the power lies in my decision. Sex toys are illegal here in Thailand; talking about them has become how I 'screen' people. If someone claims they're open-minded but then says legalising sex toys is 'morally debatable'? Out. After sharing my story, I realised how many people were waiting for someone to say out loud that it's OK to like sex. To have a body that doesn't fit some bullshit 'standard'. To unapologetically take up space in a world that tells us to be quiet, ashamed, and small. I do it because the second I did, people exhaled. Enkiny, 29, artist, Qingdao, China I don't see any difference between the topic of sex and something like food – I can say I like spicy or sweet flavours, and I can express my love for sex toys. However, with older generations like my parents', I would never talk about sex toys in front of them; it's still something they would find difficult to accept. In my art, I explore themes of self-awareness, including sexuality. That is a result of the social environment we live in. My German friends and I can discuss sex, and there's no embarrassment. On the other hand, in China, most people tend to avoid the topic. My ex-partner and I both believed that sex toys were an important part of enhancing our experiences. But when I was gifted a whip, that took me by surprise! Serena, 35, nurse, Florence, Italy For me, sex is a necessity. I crave it and think it's essential in my relationship above all. As a homosexual woman, toys take the pleasure of penetration to a higher level. In long-term relationships, they encourage you to discover yourself and your partner. Also when you imagine how to first use them, it's fun. At the moment, the curve dildo is my favourite, because of its shape and dimensions. There aren't many spaces where you can share thoughts about sexuality without being judged. I don't really care what others think of my personal life – it's called personal for a reason. By showing myself to the public, I'd like to encourage people to live freely. Nadia, 36, geophysicist, Kilamba, Angola For me, sex is a synonym of relaxation. It's a biological manifestation of the fact we were born to complement one another. This is my favourite toy, but for me they are mere curiosity – I can live without them. Enrica, 33, data visualisation manager, Milan, Italy Sometimes with my partner I felt blocked, and so initially I used sex toys alone to try to get back in touch with myself and my body. The sensations you get when you know your body are totally different. It unlocks pathways to emotional connection with a partner, and also creates a connection with yourself and with your body that you then carry into the rest of your life. I bought my first dildo about two years ago out of curiosity, during a Black Friday sale. After using it, I wondered why I hadn't done it sooner and why none of the people close to me had told me to do it. My favourite depends on my mood, but it's probably the clit sucker. Talking about sex feels normal for me, like I'm showing tools that should be part of everyone's lives. You don't have to work in the sex toy industry for it to be normalised; you can work in analytics and still chat with people about it. I think while there's still stigma, we are more able to create sex-positive spaces. When people see this picture of me, reactions are split between positivity and, 'You're crazy to expose yourself like this!' and 'Are they all yours?' Daniel, 30, PA to an MP, Berlin, Germany Sex for me means joy, personal freedom and emancipation. Sexuality constitutes an important part of me as a human being. I have a positive idea of sex and admire the variety of sexual experiences, be it random or intimate, sensitive, rough or whatever. I prefer casual human bodily contact over the use of sex toys, which I have barely used with other people. But I still see them as a vital part of my sex life. It's easy fun that is available 24/7. Many people use sex toys – they bring joy and pleasure. Why shouldn't I speak publicly about them? Carmen, 38, motion graphic designer, Barcelona, Spain Sex is a way to discover yourself, a way to try new things and see what we like and don't like – and that evolves and changes. Over the past five years, I went into a research phase around my sexuality, and sexuality in general – reading books, listening to podcasts and so on. Reading about sex toys and sex education made me want to test out new things. I realised that at times, particularly when I was young, I was doing things not for my own pleasure, but because in some way someone told me to. I bought my first sex toy in 2011 after watching a Sex and the City episode where they were talking about the Rabbit. Right now, my favourite one is ceramic; I love beautiful objects, so that's a factor when choosing one. I'm tired of society always wanting us to shut up about sex. People have kinks, women masturbate just as men do and no, not everyone likes the same things. There are still taboos around it but I hope that talking about sex, self-pleasure and kinks is getting more normalised. Jessica, 35, cartoonist, Amsterdam, Netherlands My introduction to the world of sex toys was nothing short of iconic. I grew up in Maryland in a strong matriarchal family. When I was about 18 my mom found out I was having sex, sat me down and said: 'When it comes to your pleasure, you can't always rely on men to get the job done.' Then, with a knowing smile, she handed me some cash. 'Here's some money for a vibrator.' So armed with her encouragement and the legendary Rabbit vibrator, I embarked on a journey of self-discovery and took control of my own pleasure. It took me years to realise I could bring my partner into this process. Men often have a fear of sex toys because they think, 'But where am I in this?' Men grew up being told the goal is to perform and women were taught to fake orgasms and centre male pleasure. I still think a big problem is that many women don't know that their own pleasure is valid. Sex toys are a normal part of many people's lives, yet a lot of shame still surrounds them. I moved to the Netherlands a decade ago and found myself living in this 17-person university flat, heartbroken, unemployed and embarrassed about my life. So I decided to draw about it. That led to the creation of Vanillacooldance, my cartoon on a mission to break taboos about sexuality and relationships. By sharing my stories and the thousands I get back, we all collectively realise that we're not alone. Silence breeds shame. Alexis, 46, writer, Berlin, Germany Toys teach me to slow down and savour new pleasure paths. My ex-partner gifted me a toy for my 40th birthday. My clitoris was thrilled! Now I test them for the brand. I wish we were given toys as teenagers as part of public education, before we even had partnered sex. Because from a female perspective, I think we are overtly and subconsciously taught that we are here to give pleasure, to perform pleasure and to be receptive to this external force. And that creates a really messed-up feedback loop. If we were to give a young lady of maybe 16 a toy to start to explore her body, it would help de-stigmatise self-pleasure and agency. Can you imagine the dialogue that would open up around that? Hugo, 31, painter, and Tania, 34, performance artist and acrobat, Berlin, Germany Tania: Sex should be playful and exploratory, a way of showing love and affection to yourself and your partner. Toys are the perfect way to experience new sensations and intensify existing ones, and also to explore outside the gender roles of sex. I came out as queer not long ago and it was life-altering to realise that if I wanted a big and beautiful pink cock, I could have one. It has been a slow journey of self-discovery with my own desires and sexuality. Growing up femme-presenting and a people-pleaser, sex was more about the other person than my own experience of pleasure. My first toy was a little bullet vibrator that my roommate in college went to buy with me when one drunken night I told her I had never had an orgasm. It wasn't until I met Hugo that I really got into sex toys. I remember being a little overwhelmed and excited seeing his collection for the first time, and almost surprised that he had so many toys designed for female pleasure. I had never had a partner who was interested in pleasing me without reciprocal expectations. I grew up in a household that never discussed sex. I was born in Italy, where you don't even talk about tampons; then I went to Catholic school in Georgia, US. Our sex education was basically just showing all the diseases you could get – it stunted my sexuality. Living in Berlin, and with this relationship in particular, I felt excited and safe exploring my sexuality. Our connection has only deepened through the use of sex toys; they allow us to please each other in ways we never thought possible. Hugo: I'm a surrealist painter and include sex toys in my paintings. When I was growing up, there was an idea that sex toys were only for women or old people. Men can be scared of them. First, there's a bit of homophobia; then also the idea that if you introduce one into your relationship, you're admitting you're not enough for your woman. But toys bring a lot of pleasure and fun, especially in a couple situation. Gulim, 41, writer/content designer, Almaty, Kazakhstan I don't have a partner right now, so toys help me not to lose interest in sex. A close friend owns a sex shop and gave me my first one. I don't use it any more, but keep it as a souvenir. At the moment, my favourite is the Womanizer; I call it the Porsche of vibrators. In Kazakhstan, the topic of sex is taboo. When I published photos of myself in underwear on social networks, several people said overweight women should be ashamed to show themselves. I want to fight prejudices about overweight women. We are also beautiful, sexy, love sex and orgasms.
WIRED
14-07-2025
- Entertainment
- WIRED
Le Wand's Dive Is One of My Favorite Sex Toys of the Year
I once had a boyfriend who, after watching me orgasm so quickly and so strongly with a vibrator, looked at me mournfully and said, 'Now women will never need men again.' We were both 25 at the time and inexperienced, and not just sexually. I haven't thought about him or that conversation in years, but after the new Le Wand Dive brought me to orgasm pretty much on contact, the memory came back to me. He was right, after all: No one with a vulva needs a man for anything, especially a clitoral orgasm. My favorite bullet vibrator is the Le Wand Deux, so I have plenty of experience with the company's sex toys, but nothing could have prepared me for the Dive. Off-the-Charts Intense Courtesy of Le Wand When I first encounter a vibrator, I always go through the vibration intensities in my hand before anything else. While testing a vibrator against your nose is the best way to figure out if the settings are strong enough (or too strong) for your clitoral satisfaction, I've tried so many vibrators that I can gauge their strength fairly well with a grip. I do this as a way to give myself a heads up as to just how powerful something is before I use it on my clitoris. Maybe the other wands I have in my collection have exhausted themselves with time and use, but when I cranked the Dive to its top intensity (there are 10), the vibrations were so strong that I could feel them up my arm, across my chest, and into my jaw. Even 20 minutes after this brief test round, my hand was still feeling the effects and struggling to shake the tingling away. I tend to be a glutton for high-intensity vibrators on my vulva, so I'm so happy I did this first. With this necessary information about its power in mind, I eased my way into the Dive during my first time, taking on each intensity slowly, although you have the option to hold down the (+) button and take it from zero to 60 in seconds. I couldn't get past the fourth intensity without completely caving and having an immediate orgasm. I was equally shocked, impressed, and confused. But most importantly, feeling so amazing and practically enlightened—thank you, oxytocin!—that I briefly thought I could solve all the world's problems. But because the Dive isn't just splashproof but fully submersible, I knew I was just getting started, and the world would have to wait. Underwater Fun Courtesy of Le Wand I've never really been into sexual activities that involve water. I learned after my first few forays into pool sex that water washes away natural lube, so my mind has categorized sexual pleasure and water separately. However, with the Dive being waterproof, I had to unlearn what I knew.
