Latest news with #psychotherapist
The Sun
4 days ago
- Health
- The Sun
Do you fall in love hard and fast? Three signs you're an emophiliac – & five ways to break the destructive lust cycle
FROM falling hard and fast to ignoring red flags, why emophilia could be your toxic dating trait. Have you ever been on a first date and felt like you've met your soulmate? 1 If this happens often, you may have emophilia, AKA a tendency to fall in love quickly and with just about anyone. And experts warn it can have a negative impact on mental health, leaving people vulnerable and trapped in toxic relationships, or see them darting from one relationship to the next, constantly chasing the thrill of early attraction or that feeling of falling in love. 'When you first fall for someone, you get that rush of the feel-good hormone, serotonin,' says Sarah Louise Ryan, dating and relationship expert, matchmaker and psychotherapist. 'This phase of romantic love is really the rose-tinted glasses phase. You are falling for the newness of these just-discovered feelings, just as much as you're falling for the actual person. This is because new and different people bring out different parts of us.' There's nothing wrong with these emotions, though they do simmer down as we build a relationship. 'In reality, when that spark fades, that is when the real relationship begins,' says Sarah. 'But those with emophilia don't ever want that feeling to fizzle out, which can lead them into a volatile position romantically. They either never fully commit and move on to the next partner, or they date multiple people to discover who they have the biggest spark with, all in search of the rush.' The emotional fallout from this pattern can be huge. The good news is it's possible to stop and change your thinking and actions. I'm a dating expert - the 5 key signs your partner is cheating on you & the Instagram feature that'll tell you all you need to know Love At First Sight? But whatever happened to 'love at first sight', you might wonder? Genuine love at first sight is an instant attraction to someone you might share common values with, find intriguing and are physically attracted to. It can be with someone who feels safe and calm. But emophilia is falling in love with the feeling of lust, attention, validation and connection, rather than the person. 'That need for attachment can be intoxicating, but it's important to get to know the person you've fallen for on a deeper level,' Sarah says. 'You will feel anxiety when you're not getting that serotonin burst, but if you follow these steps before becoming emotionally attached so quickly, you'll feel better.' When Emophilia Becomes a Problem At a time when the dating world feels dire and 'true love' is hard to find, is it really all that bad if someone is so open to connection? The issue is that when emophiliacs fall, they tend not to question the relationship's long-term goals, values or red flags. This can make them either more likely to jump ship or get stuck in a relationship that was doomed from the start. 'Falling for risky partners may seem appealing, but it can be dangerous when their aim is manipulation and destruction,' explains Sarah. 'People with emophilia can be attracted to narcissists, who may lovebomb a new partner by showing excessive amounts of affection and attention. This would be ideal for a person with emophilia. Because they think they're in love, emophiliacs are likely to overlook warnings or advice, even from trusted family and friends. However, when red flags aren't addressed, over time they can become more problematic.' Why Do you Fall so Hard? Though the exact cause of emophilia is unknown, there are several possible theories. 'It is thought that low serotonin levels in the brain may contribute,' says Sarah. Serotonin is also implicated in conditions including depression and obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). 'Some people may also be hypersensitive to oxytocin,' adds Sarah. Also known as the love hormone, oxytocin creates feelings of trust and a desire to care. Falling in love quickly is also a shared experience of people with ADHD, which may be linked with the disorder's symptoms of impulsivity. But it may just be a personality trait. For some, there is excitement to be found in the chaos, and boredom in the monotony. FIVE WAYS TO BREAK UP WITH EMOPHILIA Overcoming the need to chase the rush of falling for someone isn't easy, as many of our relationship desires are ingrained. 'I would ask an emophiliac: 'Is it working for you?'", Sarah says. 'If the answer is yes, and you're happy flitting from one relationship to another, keep doing what you are doing. If the answer is no, I'd recommend these tips.' 1. Go Cold Turkey If you are a serial dater, go cold turkey – including no sex or romantic relations – to focus on yourself. Discover the qualities you like in yourself and note the ways in which you are capable without having a significant other. Then, pick up conscious dating when the time is right. 'When you find the confidence to make the right choices, you will no longer let your drive for a feeling choose for you,' says Sarah. 'It will be hard work, but worth it.' 2. Spot The Red Flags Some red flags are universal. For example, a lack of respect or signs of attempting to control another person. However, others will be more specific to you. For example, how do you feel about their financial situation, living arrangements, family set-up or beliefs? It's easy for a friend to say: 'That's a red flag', but ask yourself if it really is for you. Write down your deal-breakers, then ensure when connecting with someone that you ask the questions that will unveil these warning signs. 3. Note What Hasn't Worked Sit back and really think about the patterns you have fallen into with each romantic partner. What happened? Where did it go wrong? Self-awareness is important in the decision-making process. If necessary, write out an action plan for the next time someone catches your attention. 4. Listen To Friends You may get so caught up in the rush of a new partner that you forget the concerns of those closest to you. Take time to speak to a family member or friend who knows you well and has historically given you honest advice. Run through any worries or ask for feedback on new partners. Your friends don't have to love or even like your partner, but if they have concerns about them, it's worth hearing them. This can be a failing for people with emophilia, who can only see the positives of a new crush. 5. Consult A Therapist Therapists or counsellors can help you to understand and manage emophilia. 'Therapists help bring you into the here and now and find internal validation, rather than seeking external validation from others,' says Sarah. 'That means that those with emophilia can consciously connect with themselves and with others when dating.'
The Guardian
13-07-2025
- General
- The Guardian
One of my friends at school has turned toxic. How do I discuss it with her?
I started high school last year with some friends I've known for a long time. One of those friends has started to act toxically with other people. I have been distancing myself from her for a while, but nothing seems to work. She is really sensitive and has a history of dishonesty, which makes confronting her about my feelings incredibly difficult. She talks badly about many people, but pretends to them that they are the problem. I have already talked to teachers about this, but they take her side, and I always get in trouble. I don't know how to bring this up or get her to understand I don't want to be her friend any more. What should I do? Starting high school is a big step and there's lots of change, and whenever there's change in a group there's a jostling for position and a lot of insecurities come out. It's also a big step because you go from being the oldest students in school to the youngest, and are exposed to far more adult behaviours. I wonder what's going on with your friend, but it's important to remember you are absolutely not responsible for her behaviour. So while it's really good to think compassionately about what's happening to others, ultimately they own their behaviour and you own yours. It's never too early to learn this. I went to Alison Roy, who is a child and adolescent psychotherapist. She said the fact you had noticed something had changed for your friend, while 'also being aware that your feelings showed real maturity'. It's frustrating that the teachers don't seem to hear what you say, but teachers, while doing a great job, aren't always the best people to help you deal with the psychology of friendships. Also, as Roy pointed out, 'teachers don't always have the time or bandwidth for friendship dynamics and would expect you to try to resolve things independently'. It can be very different from how things are managed in primary school. Roy also explained that when people (young or old) feel insecure 'they can start to behave differently. There may well be something else going on for your friend that you won't know about, and they might not want to tell you. You could ask a few gentle questions, although it isn't your responsibility to fix things. What you do have control over is how you deal with your own feelings and concerns; and sometimes when people change and we find we have less in common with them, it's an opportunity to try out new friendships and move outside our comfort zones a bit.' The defensiveness and dishonesty your friend displays could be due to shame, and the reasons people can be like that are complex. But again, that's not for you to fix. Learning to put in boundaries, but also thinking about what might be going on for others (with the caveats we've mentioned), are really important life skills. So is being able to communicate with people you used to get on with but now find challenging. Most friendships will rupture at some point, the real skill is in the repair. Lots of adults struggle with this. You say you don't want to be her friend any more, but you are also asking for help. Sometimes the simplest solution is right there, but we don't take it. Here, that would be asking your friend, in a quiet moment, something like: 'I don't feel we get on as well as we did. I wonder how it feels for you?' And taking it from there. You can't do all the work for her, but this would be an incredibly mature thing to do. I always think face to face is best, because you can get a '360' view on that person – ie, not just what they say on text, but what clues are in their body language. Sign up to Inside Saturday The only way to get a look behind the scenes of the Saturday magazine. Sign up to get the inside story from our top writers as well as all the must-read articles and columns, delivered to your inbox every weekend. after newsletter promotion Unfortunately, you can't make your friend understand – that's her job. But you can start the conversation, and in so doing you will be making an important first step in communication. And perhaps, even if you don't sort this out, you will gather some important information that helps you move on. Keep me posted! Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa's podcast is available here. Comments on this piece are pre-moderated to ensure the discussion remains on the topics raised by the article. Please be aware that there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.
The Guardian
13-07-2025
- General
- The Guardian
One of my friends at school has turned toxic. How do I discuss it with her?
I started high school last year with some friends I've known for a long time. One of those friends has started to act toxically with other people. I have been distancing myself from her for a while, but nothing seems to work. She is really sensitive and has a history of dishonesty, which makes confronting her about my feelings incredibly difficult. She talks badly about many people, but pretends to them that they are the problem. I have already talked to teachers about this, but they take her side, and I always get in trouble. I don't know how to bring this up or get her to understand I don't want to be her friend any more. What should I do? Starting high school is a big step and there's lots of change, and whenever there's change in a group there's a jostling for position and a lot of insecurities come out. It's also a big step because you go from being the oldest students in school to the youngest, and are exposed to far more adult behaviours. I wonder what's going on with your friend, but it's important to remember you are absolutely not responsible for her behaviour. So while it's really good to think compassionately about what's happening to others, ultimately they own their behaviour and you own yours. It's never too early to learn this. I went to Alison Roy, who is a child and adolescent psychotherapist. She said the fact you had noticed something had changed for your friend, while 'also being aware that your feelings showed real maturity'. It's frustrating that the teachers don't seem to hear what you say, but teachers, while doing a great job, aren't always the best people to help you deal with the psychology of friendships. Also, as Roy pointed out, 'teachers don't always have the time or bandwidth for friendship dynamics and would expect you to try to resolve things independently'. It can be very different from how things are managed in primary school. Roy also explained that when people (young or old) feel insecure 'they can start to behave differently. There may well be something else going on for your friend that you won't know about, and they might not want to tell you. You could ask a few gentle questions, although it isn't your responsibility to fix things. What you do have control over is how you deal with your own feelings and concerns; and sometimes when people change and we find we have less in common with them, it's an opportunity to try out new friendships and move outside our comfort zones a bit.' The defensiveness and dishonesty your friend displays could be due to shame, and the reasons people can be like that are complex. But again, that's not for you to fix. Learning to put in boundaries, but also thinking about what might be going on for others (with the caveats we've mentioned), are really important life skills. So is being able to communicate with people you used to get on with but now find challenging. Most friendships will rupture at some point, the real skill is in the repair. Lots of adults struggle with this. You say you don't want to be her friend any more, but you are also asking for help. Sometimes the simplest solution is right there, but we don't take it. Here, that would be asking your friend, in a quiet moment, something like: 'I don't feel we get on as well as we did. I wonder how it feels for you?' And taking it from there. You can't do all the work for her, but this would be an incredibly mature thing to do. I always think face to face is best, because you can get a '360' view on that person – ie, not just what they say on text, but what clues are in their body language. Sign up to Inside Saturday The only way to get a look behind the scenes of the Saturday magazine. Sign up to get the inside story from our top writers as well as all the must-read articles and columns, delivered to your inbox every weekend. after newsletter promotion Unfortunately, you can't make your friend understand – that's her job. But you can start the conversation, and in so doing you will be making an important first step in communication. And perhaps, even if you don't sort this out, you will gather some important information that helps you move on. Keep me posted! Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa's podcast is available here. Comments on this piece are pre-moderated to ensure the discussion remains on the topics raised by the article. Please be aware that there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.
Yahoo
12-07-2025
- Entertainment
- Yahoo
Couple of 17 Years Speaks About Choice Not to Have Kids After 'Brutally Honest' Conversations with Friends (Exclusive)
Vanessa and Xander Marin have been together for over 17 years Throughout the years, the couple had poured their focus into helping others maintain their relationship through intimacy tips and tricks Recently, they opened up to PEOPLE about their decision to not have children and how it has affected their marriageVanessa and Xander Marin have been helping other couples nurture intimacy and connection in long-term relationships for over a decade. Vanessa, a licensed psychotherapist with 20 years of experience in sex therapy, brings deep insight into emotional and sexual wellness, while Xander offers the perspective of a devoted partner and co-creative. Together, they've built a social media presence grounded in honesty, humor, and real-life tools for sustaining love. Recently, the couple opened up about their decision not to have children – a choice made over time with intention, reflection, and mutual understanding. In sharing their journey through grief, acceptance, and, ultimately, peace, they hope to create space for others to embrace their own paths without shame or regret. Vanessa, 41, and Xander, 39, met in their early 20s. As their relationship became more serious, they naturally began discussing what their future together might hold, including thoughtful conversations about the possibility of having children. Even in their wedding vows, the couple playfully joked about how many children they might have, reflecting the shared assumption that parenthood was the natural next step in their journey together. Never miss a story — sign up for to stay up-to-date on the best of what PEOPLE has to offer, from celebrity news to compelling human interest stories. 'We went into marriage, thinking we're going to have kids,' Vanessa tells PEOPLE exclusively. However, as fresh newlyweds, they decided to enjoy their first few years together and let time pave the way. 'So as we started getting closer to our 30s, I think we both sort of had it in our heads that that was like the right time…we started having more serious conversations with each other," she continues. "And basically, it was just asking, like, 'Hey, are you feeling ready yet?' And the conversation kept winding up with us, saying, 'No, I don't really feel ready yet.' ' As more time passed, they reached a stage in life when having children felt expected, and the conversations between them began to shift. 'This was the point where it started to feel scary, to be totally honest with you, and a little bit painful because we allowed ourselves to consider, for the very first time, what it would look like to not have kids,' Vanessa reveals. After years of assuming parenthood was inevitable, even imagining an alternative felt overwhelming and deeply emotional. Nevertheless, Xander remembers feeling fortunate that they had several close friends who began having kids a bit earlier than they had planned for themselves. As those friends entered parenthood, they opened up honestly about how dramatically their relationships had changed. 'We had a couple of friends that were really, really brutally honest with us in a way that I think is really rare,' Xander says. 'It was very much like: 'I wish that we hadn't just made the societal assumption that okay, we're married, we have careers, we're in our mid-20s, approaching 30 – this is what we do now.' " Many couples admitted they wished they'd had more conversations beforehand – about timing, expectations, and whether they were truly ready for children. A few even confided that, if given the chance, they might have waited longer or made different choices altogether. Hearing those unfiltered reflections had a lasting impact on Vanessa and Xander. 'So ultimately, what we ended up centering ourselves around was the question: Do we actively want to have a child? Not, 'do we think we're supposed to? Not, 'is this the right time? Not, 'do we think we'll regret it if we don't?' she explains. Vanessa often found herself thinking about conversations she would have with their future child, which put things into perspective. 'I would want to be able to look at that child and say, 'Your mom and dad wanted you so badly. We were so desperate to bring you into the world,'' she shares. 'And when we asked ourselves that question and got really honest with each other. The answer was no. We didn't feel that active desire to have a child, and so we kicked the can down the road for a few more years.' It wasn't until last year that they made a final, clear decision – at 38, Xander had a vasectomy. It marked the end of a nearly 13-year journey of questioning, reflecting, and slowly coming to peace with a child-free life. Sharing their decision with family turned out to be easier than they had expected, largely because they had been open about their evolving thoughts on having children throughout the years with both parents and siblings. Xander believes that the way they approached the conversation – with openness and gradual honesty over several years – made a big difference. Instead of a sudden announcement, they shared their evolving thoughts along the way, which gave their family time to adjust. 'We got really lucky in that regard that both sets of parents were very accepting and understanding,' Vanessa says. 'I think it did help that we both have siblings. So we're not like the one and only chance, but they both expressed sadness, but in a really respectful way.' Sharing their decision on social media was a different challenge altogether, met with a wave of responses that ranged from deeply supportive to harshly judgmental and misinformed. 'There's a ton of judgment against couples that decide not to have kids. We hear things like 'that's very selfish of you,' which is so hard to understand,' Vanessa says. 'I'm like, wouldn't it be more selfish to be bringing a kid into this world that I don't really want? Or to bring a kid into this world because I want someone to take care of me when I get older? Or I want someone to pass along my legacy?' she questions. Some of the most hurtful comments come from people claiming that Xander secretly wants children, suggesting he's just pretending to be on board and will eventually leave to start a family with a younger woman. 'There's a lot of 'oh, I can see it in his eyes, because no man doesn't want kids,'' Xander says. 'I'm like, Okay, well, this man doesn't.' Some people even use Vanessa and Xander's decision not to have children to discredit their relationship advice online, claiming they couldn't possibly understand the challenges of parenting. But the couple pushes back on that idea, reminding others that being a parent doesn't exempt anyone from needing to nurture their relationship or maintain intimacy. When it comes to comments about regret, Vanessa says she and Xander have already grieved the idea of having children and have come to terms with what the decision means for them. 'The possibility that I might feel some regret at some point later in my life is not a good enough reason to make a decision right now – in the here and now,' she says. 'If we did decide to have kids, we might regret that, too. So it's not that one decision has regret, and one decision has no regret," she adds. "Like either path we go, there's the possibility that we could feel regret.' Vanessa believes that every life decision comes with a trade-off. Every yes means saying no to something else. For her and Xander, choosing not to have children meant grieving the path they wouldn't take. Instead of denying that grief or pretending to be completely certain, they gave themselves space to feel it and honor what they were letting go of. 'I know that we would be amazing parents. I know we would have a really cool kid or kids. I know that we would love that kid to death, you know, and have such an incredible family,' she emphasizes. 'I know that there's like there's grief in not being able to see Xander as a dad, not being able to see myself as a mom like, there's so much grief that goes along with it. And that doesn't mean that this is the wrong decision, that we should actually have kids.' They recognize the two different paths they could have taken, without needing to erase or diminish the one they chose. 'I think that that's been a big piece of why we decided not to have kids, too. We felt so content and happy with the way that our life looked like it didn't feel like there was anything missing,' Vanessa says. 'We've always felt like a family, just the two of us.' Not having children has brought several unexpected benefits to their relationship – more time, energy, freedom, and financial flexibility. It's allowed Vanessa and Xander to travel, explore personal goals, and invest deeply in their relationship. It's also had a major impact on their business, with fewer day-to-day demands, they've been able to pour their energy into creating content and tools that support other couples in long-term relationships. 'It's so important to have some kind of purpose in your life, and I know that having kids can be a major way to have purpose in your life, but it doesn't mean that that's the only way,' Xander says. The couple is about to become first-time aunt and uncle – a role they're genuinely excited for. They often push back against the common misconception that those who choose not to have children dislike kids. 'Another judgment that we get, people always say: 'Oh, you hate kids.' We actually love kids – I absolutely love kids,' Vanessa admits. 'I've spent so much of my life being a babysitter and a camp counselor and a tutor… I am so excited to be an aunt.' Vanessa and Xander recognize that everyone's life is unique, and they hold no judgment on whether people choose to have children or not. Their main message is to encourage couples to actively consider the decision instead of following the norm. 'I'm not interested in being part of a battle here,' Vanessa tells PEOPLE. 'I fully respect everybody's right to choose what feels right in their own life to make their own decisions.' Read the original article on People
Daily Mail
10-07-2025
- Entertainment
- Daily Mail
Unforgettable and impossible to resist: The best Thrillers out now: A Murder in Paris by Matthew Blake, Love, Mom by Iliana Xander, Deadline by Steph McGovern
A Murder in Paris by Matthew Blake (HarperCollins £16.99, 368pp) London based, half-French psychotherapist Dr Olivia Finn, an expert in helping patients reclaim painful memories in an effort to recover, is summoned to Paris to help her grandmother – acclaimed artist Josephine Benoit – who is insisting she is someone else. Could this be the effects of dementia? Josephine is also claiming to have committed murder in Paris at the end of the war. Surely there is a mistake? But then she is herself murdered and secrets from the past – including many from Olivia's own – surface. This delicate story, which travels seamlessly between post-war Paris and the present day, is exquisitely told by the author of last year's bestselling debut Anna O, and is just as unforgettable. Love, Mom by Iliana Xander (Penguin £9.99, 400pp) Mackenzie Casper is the only child of a mega-selling author – who writes under the name of E. V. Renge – whose fame has cast a dark shadow over her daughter's childhood. But then she dies in what appears to be a tragic accident and Mackenzie starts to receive letters from her dead mother, delivered by an unseen hand. So begins this supremely twisty tale of deceit and deception that sees Mackenzie try to unravel what went on in her mother's life, and what her father Ben may have had to do with it. Helped by computer nerd friend EJ, she starts to piece together what happened. Supremely gifted story-telling, with twist upon twist, it is impossible to resist. Deadline by Steph McGovern (Macmillan £20, 384pp) TV presenter McGovern's engaging story takes us behind the scenes of live television, drawing on her eight years' experience on BBC Breakfast, but then she adds a killer twist. Her heroine, reporter Rose, is interviewing the Chancellor of the Exchequer live, when a voice in her earpiece announces that her wife Kate and their son Rory have been kidnapped and she must do exactly what the voice says. It is an exciting set up, but only the start. McGovern also explores hate speech, deprived children, the stalking of female reporters and the impact of the media in a fast-paced story that often brings a tear to the eye – while the question remains: can Rose rescue the two people she loves? An encouraging debut from the broadcaster. Let's have another.
