Latest news with #queerfamily
Yahoo
27-06-2025
- General
- Yahoo
What queer parenthood taught me about grief and grace
Since I was a tiny child, I knew I wanted to be a parent. Through my days of discovering my queerness, exploring polyamory, and generally rejecting society's expectations of how relationships "should" go, the plan of becoming a parent never faded. I was initially drawn to the work of midwifery because it combined many of the things I was passionate about: humans getting in touch with our animal-ness, the power inherent in bodies assigned female at birth, and the sacred transition into parenthood. When I met someone who already had a child and was planning to have another one as a solo parent by choice, I jumped in headfirst. We fell in love and decided to do the queer family experience together. Over time, the kids she birthed became mine; some years later, I gave birth to another. We fully blended our families. Then, when our youngest child was two, we separated. I found myself floored with grief. I hadn't expected my journey in family and parenthood to be so complex and full of the unexpected. Grief manifests in various ways in queer and non-traditional family building. Many mourn that we can't procreate with the person we love and want to parent. I work with clients who find their "perfect" identified (known) donor. Then, they discover that they have poor sperm quality, meaning they need to start the donor search process from scratch. People experience fertility challenges, miscarriage, and pregnancy loss. There is also grief that the family of the non-gestational parent won't accept their child since they are not biologically related. Many of us feel grief that we cannot shield our children, or future children, from the suffering of the world. So many people, myself included, experience immense hope at the beginning of our family-building journeys. It's beautiful, hopeful, and exciting to make the choice, especially in today's political environment, as a queer person, to grow and nurture the next generation. Parenting is a revolutionary act that brings healing potential to our lives, lineages, and communities. And it's some of the most challenging work in the world, especially in a society that doesn't support parents in general, let alone parents who belong to the LGBTQ+ community. When we acknowledge that grief is often a part of this queer family-building journey, we become stronger and more resilient in handling the curveballs that this process throws our way. It also helps people normalize grief and not feel that it is some sort of personal failure if and when some aspect of growing their family becomes harder than originally anticipated. In their book Tending Grief: Embodied Rituals for Holding Our Sorrow and Growing Cultures of Care in Community, Camille Barton talks about how inherent grief is to the human experience. Those of us raised in Western societies are conditioned to turn away from our grief, which is a necessary and essential part of our humanity. Turning away from grief, they explain, causes us to feel numb and disconnected from ourselves and our bodies. We need to learn to allow ourselves to grieve to feel joy, connection, and even pleasure. When I support people through the beginning of their family-building process, I encourage them to anticipate that it will likely be a challenging journey. I tell my clients: you may need to let go of many things you become attached to, even before your first attempt, again and again. This process may test you and, if applicable, your relationship, in many unexpected ways. And the more you can see these trials as part of your own maturation and skill-building journey towards parenthood, the more able you will be to meet the moment with courage and an openness to Grow. When we normalize the reality that grief is often a part of this family-building process, it helps us build resilience in ourselves, our relationships, and the broader communities that will harbor our families as they evolve and change. And what a gift this is to our future children. Marea GoodmanSand and Stone Media for Marea Goodman Voices is dedicated to featuring a wide range of inspiring personal stories and impactful opinions from the LGBTQ+ community and its allies. Visit to learn more about submission guidelines. Views expressed in Voices stories are those of the guest writers, columnists, and editors, and do not directly represent the views of The Advocate or our parent company, equalpride. This article originally appeared on Advocate: What queer parenthood taught me about grief and grace
Yahoo
26-06-2025
- General
- Yahoo
What All Households Can Learn From LGBTQ+ Family-Building
Fact checked by Sarah Scott As a queer midwife, I'm steeped in the day-to-day of queer family formation. From supporting clients through choosing a sperm or egg donor, figuring out which conception method is right for them, and navigating all the complex emotions that arise throughout this process, LGBTQ+ family-building comes with its fair share of complexity and, often, moments of complete overwhelm. To support in building resilience through the challenges, I remind my clients of the many ways that going through the process of growing our queer families helps us prepare for parenthood — and these are lessons that can benefit all parents, not just queer ones. Family goes beyond the nuclear, and as LGBTQ+ parents, we often need to involve outside help in the form of donors, medical providers, lawyers, and other professionals. This need to rely on outside parties can be burdensome, but it also helps us branch out of the (often limiting) nuclear family structure and find support with other people, creating a powerful web of community that can hold our families as we grow. All parents and families need outside support to truly thrive, whether from blood relatives or chosen family, neighbors, medical providers, midwives, or doulas. Understanding from the beginning that family building isn't just about two people will support your whole family system as you become a parent. In LGBTQ+ family-building, we sometimes require the genetic contribution of someone outside of the partnership to help us grow our families. This can lead to complex feelings for the non-biologically related parent, since our culture puts such a heavy emphasis on the importance of biological connection in families. But it's not just LGBTQ+ people who need to come to terms with the fact that they may not be biologically related to their child and expand their vision of what family means. We are at a moment in human evolution where infertility rates are at an all-time high—one in six people experience infertility. Undoing the idea that biological connection is the most important factor in bonding with our children helps everyone thrive as parents, regardless of whether they encounter fertility challenges along their family-building process. We know that the traditional gender roles of 'mothers' and 'fathers' are outdated. In heterosexual couples, research suggests that couples who share the workload of household duties and childcare experience more relationship satisfaction overall. It's powerful to define the work of relationship and family through a lens of equity and mutual aid. All families will benefit from this approach, and the children who grow up in these environments may have an easier time passing on this message to future generations. Grief is often an inherent part of LGBTQ+ family-building. People may grieve the inability to create a family without the help of an outside donor, that they need to go through extra legal and financial hoops to protect their families, or experience a pang of emotion every time somebody asks 'but who's the real mom?' LGBTQ+ family-building offers ample opportunities for us to feel and process our grief—but family-building in general can bring about this painful emotion, and normalizing this helps all parents thrive. Dr. Maureen (Mo) Satyshur, clinical psychologist and queer parent, says, 'LGBTQ+ family building is a process that simultaneously requires and offers people a way to release their grip on expectations and control. So many wonderful parts of our lives come with the grief and anxiety of not having full control, and the family building process can teach us all to work with those difficult experiences while staying connected to the joy and vitality of our ever-changing selves, families, and world.' All parents, regardless of their relationship status or sexual orientation, may experience the grief of infertility, miscarriage, or pregnancy loss. There's also other griefs like parenting during climate change and the fact that we cannot protect our children from the pains of the world. When we normalize that grief is an inherent part of growing our families or just simply existing, all parents (and children) benefit. I'm of the opinion that seeing the world in new and creative ways is essential for humanity's ability to grow, evolve, and support the healing of future generations and the planet. Being queer and growing queer families offers a window into doing things differently—and I believe that is what this world needs. Thinking out of the box is a benefit of the queer experience, but one that isn't inherently tied to sexuality. We can all show our kids how to think creatively and see alternatives to the ways that things have always been done—and what a gift this is for our children. When my clients are struggling through any aspect of LGBTQ+ family formation, I remind them to try, as much as possible, to remember that every step of this process gets them closer to the goal of becoming a parent. When things get hard, internally or externally, it presents an opportunity for us to grow further into the parent (and person) we want to become. It's a powerful offering to our children to work so hard to bring them into the world. And everyone, no matter their sexual orientation or relationship structure, can benefit from the intention and growth opportunities inherent in the LGBTQ+ family-building process. Read the original article on Parents
