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Entrepreneur
a day ago
- Business
- Entrepreneur
Why Your Workplace Superpower is Also Your Most Deadly Blind Spot
This story appears in the July 2025 issue of Entrepreneur. Subscribe » For successful people, there's nothing more confusing than failing when you gave it your best. You leaned on your tried-and-true personality traits — the ones everyone agrees are your "superstrengths" — and yet, things fell apart. Fortunately, when this happens, there's a fairly common diagnosis: You have encountered a blind spot. As a clinical psychologist turned business coach, I've spent years honing my intuition to recognize when previously successful leaders, executives, or entrepreneurs were getting in their own way, and to come up with tailored solutions to help them. What I've learned is that we are not as self-aware as we believe. We tend to feel as if most of our traits, instincts, and feelings are like everyone else's — except for where we see ourselves as exceptional or gifted, in ways that we imagine can only serve as a positive. And when I began as a coach and started to hear people talk about the strengths and weaknesses of the people they work with, I took their answers at face value. If an executive was praised for their confidence, I'd make a note of it, and look for other areas that might need to be worked on instead. After all, strengths are good, I reasoned. It's the weaknesses that we need to worry about. Related: Why Failure Is Crucial in Finding Your True Purpose But after a little while, I started to notice a surprising pattern. Often, if an executive was praised for his confidence, that same reviewer might also mention his arrogance. The friendly extrovert would have trouble leaving people alone to do their work. The same individual would be described as both persistent and stubborn — and the more persistent she seemed to be in some people's eyes, the more stubborn she seemed in the eyes of others. The visionary would have trouble with execution. The understanding boss was quick to agree with everyone, leaving no one quite sure where they stood. The calm, unflappable CEO never signaled when he was upset, causing people to guess what bothered him. The curious, out-of-the-box thinker seemed to get easily distracted by something shiny and new. My realization: Strengths are not unqualified positives. Instead, our challenges often emerge from investing too heavily in our strengths — the "superstrengths" become supernovas, and tip into qualities that frustrate people around us and get in the way of our success. My attention to detail might feel to others like micromanagement; an orientation toward action can look a lot like a lack of strategic thinking; conscientiousness becomes perfectionism; critical judgment becomes a lack of interpersonal sensitivity. And because these strengths are often the qualities we are most proud of — the things we like best in ourselves and have heard positive feedback about over the course of our lives — the idea that they can become our biggest weaknesses is a serious blind spot. I call it a "trait blind spot." Most of us simply won't be able to see when it happens. Related: How to Overcome Past Struggles and Turn Them Into Your Superpowers Esther was a great example of this. She was the CEO of a small pharmaceutical company, and had taken over from its scientist founders. The board loved Esther; she had an incredible reputation as a conscientious and careful leader, and she seemed like the natural choice to steer their company through an IPO and beyond. But nine months after Esther was hired, the board chairman called me with concern. "Growth has been surprisingly slow," he told me. "We brought in this new sales guy. And it's helping, a little. But the sales guy keeps telling me we need a new CEO. We like Esther and want to make it work. Can you figure out what the problem is?" I reached out to Esther to set up a meeting. She asked if I could connect her with a few references — perfectly appropriate and reasonably commonplace. Two weeks passed before I followed up. Esther said she still hadn't had a chance to reach out to one of the references. Another three weeks passed, and I figured this was never going to happen. Until, to my surprise, she reached out and said we were good to get started. Two weeks later, Esther and I met at the international terminal in the San Francisco Airport — the only place and time that worked for both of us. It was not an ideal location for a substantive meeting, but I was able to explain my process — interviews, testing, a report, a plan. She seemed amenable, and I found her to be pleasant and polite. No red flags. Except the pace of the follow-up remained glacial. Esther gave me limited access to her team, making the process slower than normal. She also kept putting off her testing. When I had gotten about three-quarters of the way through the process — now a full three months after I had initially reached out to her — the board chairman called me and asked for a progress report. "Do you think she can get better?" he asked. "I hope so — but I'm not sure. I have to admit, I haven't even begun coaching her yet." "You've got to be kidding." I paused for a beat. "I'm sure Esther is coachable, I just — " He cut me off. "I think you've given me what I was looking for," the chairman said. "We're going to let Esther go. She's great, but just isn't a fit for a startup. We have to move fast, and, like you've seen, she can't." This was a perfect illustration of how a superstrength can also become a deadly blind spot. Esther prided herself on being cautious and deliberate, which were useful traits in her old role. But her new role required something else. By being cautious and deliberate now, Esther was failing. She couldn't see the problem, because it had never been a problem for her before. With awareness and a plan, she could have fixed this. But she ran out the clock, and her extreme traits cost her the career opportunity she'd been so excited to earn. Related: How to Find Your Blind Spots When You Don't Know What You're Looking For Because there are a seemingly unlimited number of traits we might possess, it takes some focus to figure out which ones are most likely to lead to blind spots. I'm sure many of you have taken personality tests — Myers-Briggs, Enneagram, and others. While these tests are fun and yield findings that are interesting to explore, the Big Five traits (see table below) are a particular set of traits that have been developed and refined by research psychologists over the past 70 years. The big five traits Extroversion: When someone finds energy in the company of others (introversion — comfort being alone — is on the other side of the spectrum) Openness to experience: Curiosity and an eagerness to do and learn new things (as opposed to someone who thrives on routine) Accommodation: Agreeableness and trust (while people low in this trait are comfortable with disagreement and in environments where they may have to play politics or manipulate others) Conscientiousness: Discipline in the pursuit of goals (with relaxed spontaneity and a willingness to multitask at the other extreme) Neuroticism: Anxiety and irritability (as contrasted with an even mood and generally sunny disposition) Numerous teams of investigators, using robust statistical methods, have agreed that these five traits show remarkable stability throughout our lifespans and across cultures and contexts, and are orthogonal to each other, or statistically independent. This makes them a good place to start in any discussion about traits — and trait blind spots. Psychologists believe that a bell curve exists for each of these traits. Many of us are somewhere in the middle — somewhat extroverted, not too extroverted — but some of us fall on the extremes, and that is where we run the risk of falling victim to a blind spot on the opposite side. What do I mean by that? You think your superstrength will always be the right approach, even when it isn't. If you are very extroverted, you will be at a loss when being introverted would be the optimal trait for a particular situation. If you are extremely open to new experiences, you won't adapt to a situation where what's needed is deep focus on one domain. A client named Mila, for instance, had experienced an exceptional rise at one of the most successful B2B companies in the world. She was known in the industry as a rock star: super smart, incredibly driven, and a key leader with a legendary ability to focus and quickly devise elegant technological solutions. Expectations were high when she jumped to a prominent startup and found herself elevated to CEO after an unexpected resignation. The marketing team was delighted to get Mila's name out in the world even further, wanting to book her as a keynote speaker at conferences around the globe. The technologists couldn't wait to see one of their own shining in a broader, more public-facing role. The sales team was thrilled to have her in the top spot at the company, because they knew her name would mean something to customers, and bringing her in to help close deals would give them a competitive advantage. That is not how things played out. Mila was aware when she took the job that she was quite high in conscientiousness — she was, like Esther, slow and deliberate at times. She liked to spend time holed up in her office working through problems, and her previous role made it possible for her to do that. But unlike Esther, she knew that wouldn't work as a CEO. She was pragmatic and had a strong bias to action, so she forced herself to act more quickly, to rely on her team, and to make big decisions on perhaps less data than she might have hoped for. Related: The One 'Superpower' Trait These 6 Top Leaders Always Look For When Hiring Still, the role of CEO has few day-to-day requirements, and is shaped by the person who occupies it. There were more decisions to make than in her previous role, and even with her conscious effort to speed up, she still found herself wanting more time alone to focus, recharge, and think. She was friendly and charismatic when forced to interact, but left to her own devices, tried her best to keep her schedule free of what she saw as social distractions. She told her team, "There's lots of work to do, and I need the time to do it." There was no one to force Mila to add things to her schedule that she would rather avoid. So as much as possible, she sidestepped what made her uncomfortable. Salespeople had to ask her again and again to come to a closing to answer a client's questions, or even just to say hello and lend some of her star power to the transaction. The marketing team got her to agree to just one keynote when they wanted to book her for a dozen. One-on-one, Mila was warm and caring, but she did not take advantage of opportunities to rally the team in big ways, to give inspiring speeches, or to stand in front of them as their fearless leader. She became almost an invisible presence. Her internal leaders were frustrated that they had to spend time convincing Mila to do the things that they thought she should have naturally been seeking out and genuinely excited to pursue. When I was brought in and interviewed her team, they were baffled. "Why do we have to beg our CEO to be the face of the company?" they asked. One of her senior leaders even confided in me, "It's like Mila only wants to do the hard work. Getting interviewed is fun! Giving speeches is fun! People would love her. And she wants to look at spreadsheets all day?" This was, as it turned out, an easy one. What Mila and her team didn't realize was that she was an introvert in a job that required the behavior of an extrovert. The simple reality was that for Mila to leave her comfort zone — to meet with clients, lead company meetings, talk to the media — was exceptionally challenging. She coped with the stress of extroverted activities not just by avoiding as many as she could, but also by convincing herself that these tasks were extraneous, and that simply focusing on strategy and execution would be enough. She was blind to the reality that her innate introversion was holding her back as the company shifted from product development to commercialization, when a CEO needs to be external-facing. Traits are hard to change, and I don't intend to argue otherwise. Any attempt to change them is likely to end in frustration and failure. We are, for better or worse, who we are. Rather than fighting our instincts, it is almost always more productive to become aware of our traits and then manage around them or find a role where we can thrive not just despite who we are but because of our unique gifts and abilities. Mila was never going to be the life of the party — but if she wanted to be a successful CEO, she needed to become aware of her blind spot, then adapt. To some degree, she needed to push herself out of her comfort zone. But she could also compensate by building a team around her that could own at least some of the tasks she didn't want. I advised her to hire a "chief of communications and inspiration" to own some elements of the role that she didn't feel comfortable with, and we worked on ways to strategically harness her limited tolerance for meetings by using her in only the most important sales closings. While Mila was uncomfortable being on stage in front of large groups, I could see that her genuineness, warmth, and industry credentials made her quite charismatic in small group situations. I encouraged her to schedule monthly sessions — "Friday breakfasts with Mila" — and invite four employees at a time from different parts of the company to join her for a meal. She used these meetings effectively to connect with employees as individuals, inspire them about her vision for the company, and show them how much she appreciated their contributions. She also worked with sales and marketing to help them shape her identity to the world as a brilliant, compassionate, introverted leader. This allowed her to stay in her comfort zone as much as possible while adjusting the world's (and the company's) expectations of who she was and how she might behave. Finally, she leaned on her extroverted CFO to take a more central role during board meetings in order to relieve her of "performing" for the board, letting her focus instead on building the one-on-one relationships. Through understanding and accepting her blind spot, Mila was able to make changes that felt like a relief — and with help, she blossomed as a CEO and found success. Her introversion was something to address, not a fatal character flaw. Rather than trying to convince others that certain parts of the job weren't important, she needed the self-awareness to know what she could and couldn't do, and strategies to overcome any problems. Related: How to Turn Blind Spots From Your Enemy Into Your Most Important Asset As you read Mila's story, you might have wondered how she got that role in the first place. Isn't it obvious, you might ask, that an extrovert would be a better leader than an introvert? As Mila's company moved from developing its product to commercializing it, the answer was yes. But I wouldn't make the case that this — or any trait — is universally valuable in every situation. I have seen CEO roles where deep thinking matters most, and the nature of the business doesn't require the kind of robust presence that Mila's team wanted from her. There may be leadership traits that prove useful in many cases, but even more important is the fit: Which traits are useful in a particular context? Over time, I've found it interesting to discover that trait blind spots do tend to surface for entrepreneurs more than corporate leaders. The collection of traits needed to build is very different from the set of qualities required to lead. Successful leaders in established companies are often described as "well-rounded." They have filled several different roles, and those with significant trait blind spots end up getting weeded out on the move up the hierarchy. You simply don't become CEO if you don't have the right mix of traits or can't learn how to adapt to your own particular set. To the extent there are weaknesses, they are not blind spots; they are known and managed around. Entrepreneurs, on the other hand, succeed because they are exceptional at something — maybe vision, maybe resilience, or maybe none of the leadership traits at all — and this exceptionalism is so strong that people are willing to overlook their other challenges. Think about the stereotypical brilliant founder with no people skills, where employees accept that he's difficult and leave him alone to do his magic. People fear pointing out the issue because of the possibility of an adverse reaction, denial, or defensiveness. Some entrepreneurs, when confronted with evidence of their gaps, may argue that people are exaggerating. But there is a ceiling to growth when someone has an unaddressed blind spot standing in their way. Once the demands of the job shift to encompass far more than just product development and rapid growth — once the founders must become managers of people — they're exposed as fundamentally flawed CEOs. They are "spiky, odd-shaped polygons," as I like to put it, and don't fit as leaders in a more established enterprise. If you are struggling, one of your first questions should be whether you are missing a particular trait. But the very next question should be whether one or more of your inherent traits are hindering you rather than helping you achieve results. If you want to identify your blind spots, here's where to start. Related: What Is Your Entrepreneurial Superpower? The first step is awareness. You need to understand who you are, and what core traits define you. Personality tests, like one to measure where you stand on the Big Five traits, do not provide the whole picture, but they can be a useful place to begin. Looking at your results, do a gut check. In which categories are you at one extreme or the other, and how does that play out in your life? If any of these traits were overused, how might that negatively impact you? Everything can be taken to an extreme, and that's what we need to catch. By looking at the Big Five and how they play out in leadership, it is easy to see how being at either extreme for any of the traits can be harmful. When it comes to neuroticism, if you are too reactive, you will be unlikely to maintain your equilibrium through the endless pressure and the ups and downs of business. You may be too unpredictable to your colleagues and subordinates. Being too calm, on the other hand, has the potential to make you appear as if you are unaffected by difficulties, and others may doubt that you are taking problems seriously enough. What about openness to experiences? If you are too imaginative, it becomes toxic to productivity. But if you are too conventional and cautious, you can't move at the required speed. Pure extroverts may lack the internal focus to put in the solitary efforts that are sometimes required on the road to success, while introverts may not be able to handle the social and interpersonal demands of any career that involves interaction with others. Being too agreeable can affect potential business gains, while being too critical can harm needed relationships. Being too high on conscientiousness may lead to discomfort with risk and ambiguity, while being too carefree can lead to mistakes. Ask yourself the top adjectives others use to describe you, and then reflect on what happens if you modify them with the word "too" — are you too smart, too energetic, too selfless? These are probably things you like about yourself, but that's what makes them even more dangerous. If you are proud of these facets of yourself, you are less likely to try to extinguish them or control them. Who wants to act less smart, for example, or less careful? You may not be able to see all of this yourself — and in fact, you probably can't. Ask others to help. How do they perceive you when it comes to the Big Five and other leadership traits? How would they describe you, and, if asked directly, what do they say you are too much of? Do you have a trait blind spot — either an overused strength or a critical gap — that needs addressing? Related: Your Business Won't Grow Until You Tackle These 3 Leadership Blind Spots After awareness, the next step is action. Once you've identified your traits, you need to examine whether they match your current context. Within an organization, you know the landscape better than a coach like me ever could. Are your traits bumping up against expectations in ways that are holding you back? Where are you consistently finding yourself struggling, and does it come back to an area where you are "too much" of something, or where a different trait is needed? You might ask yourself to think about the people succeeding in your organization or your profession, and whether they embody different traits than you. Do the truly persistent individuals around you seem to be getting things done in a way that you're having trouble with? Does that mean persistence is a helpful trait here, and is that something you might be willing to grow within yourself, or might it mean you are in the wrong role? Are there mechanisms you can put in place to guard against over-relying on certain aspects of yourself? If, for example, you have too much of an ownership mindset, can you force delegation and outsourcing so that you mitigate your inclination to do everything yourself? Remember, there are no universals; different traits are useful in different roles. Your default responses may be perfect, or they may need some adjustment. For Esther, whose caution caused her to lose her job, there could have been a three-step action plan to address the problem: 1. Recognize that your superstrength (in this case, caution) is a blind spot in your current context. 2. Ask yourself: Can you shift? Do you even want to shift? 3. Find a solution. Coming forward with honesty about Esther's strengths and limitations could have prompted a discussion between her and the board about how to move forward productively. Perhaps she could have convinced the board that the company didn't need to move as quickly as they believed, and that her more deliberative style was a benefit in an industry prone to missteps. Perhaps she could have brought in a "number two" to own some of the decision-making that depended most on speed and yet still have given herself the space to focus on the company's larger strategy. Related: 6 Traits to Look For in Your Next Boss There wasn't necessarily a right or wrong answer, just the opening for a discussion that could happen only once Esther recognized her blind spot. No matter what trait you are trying to manage, when you are no longer blind to your blind spot, solutions come into focus. Reprinted by permission of Harvard Business Review Press. Excerpted from Blindspotting: How to See What's Holding You Back as a Leader by Martin Dubin. Copyright © 2025 Martin Dubin. All rights reserved.
Entrepreneur
a day ago
- Health
- Entrepreneur
How to Use Your Own Body Language Before It Sabotages You
When individuals begin paying attention to their nonverbal cues — not just those of others — they gain insight into what they're feeling and why. Opinions expressed by Entrepreneur contributors are their own. I've seen body language used to close deals, lead teams and command a room. There's no denying it's a powerful tool for influencing others. But its most valuable impact is internal. When individuals begin paying attention to their own nonverbal cues — not just those of others — they gain insight into what they're feeling, how they're responding, and why. I've watched this shift to self-awareness transform the way leaders and executives lead, communicate and connect. Furthermore, self-awareness doesn't just improve communication — it builds emotional intelligence. In this article, we'll explore how tuning into your own body language can sharpen your emotional intelligence from the inside out. And surprisingly, it often begins in the body, not the mind. Related: Why Emotional Intelligence Is the Key to High-Impact Leadership Self-awareness begins in the body One of the cornerstones of emotional intelligence is self-awareness. You can't be emotionally intelligent without a clear understanding of your own internal state and how it's shaping your behavior. The body holds a wealth of wisdom when it comes to understanding our emotional landscape. Most of us move through our day without consciously noticing our posture, gestures, or expressions. But those nonverbal cues are constantly broadcasting how we feel — whether we realize it or not. The more attuned you are to your own physical signals, the more insight you gain into your emotional state — and the more intentionally you can choose how to respond. Join top CEOs, founders and operators at the Level Up conference to unlock strategies for scaling your business, boosting revenue and building sustainable success. Learning to observe without judgment Learning to be self-observant — but not self-conscious — is a skill that can completely transform the way you understand yourself and communicate with others. Small, often unnoticed behaviors can reveal a lot about your internal state and the impression you're giving off at the moment. For example, how are you sitting? Are your arms crossed? Are your fists clenched? These subtle, nonverbal "tells" can offer a window into what you're feeling. Let's say I'm clenching my jaw or baring my teeth slightly while talking to someone. What message is that sending? And more importantly, why am I doing it? Am I feeling relaxed? Or is there a chance I'm frustrated, stressed, or even angry? Even something as simple as your hands can be telling. When people clench their hands, it often signals self-restraint — an effort to contain frustration or anger. On the other hand, open palms or extended fingers are more likely to reflect positive emotions like ease, confidence, or even joy. These signals matter because they often reflect emotions we haven't consciously acknowledged. We may not feel angry or stressed until we notice what our body is doing — and that awareness can be a game-changer. Personally, I find these micro-observations incredibly helpful, especially in meetings, social gatherings, or one-on-one conversations. It's in these spaces that small, unconscious behaviors often speak the loudest. From self-awareness to self-regulation Noticing is only the first step. It's regulation that turns self-awareness into emotional intelligence. For example, once you notice you're holding tension, you can take a breath and soften. You may ask yourself, "What's really going on here?" and choose your next move from a more grounded place. Let's say you catch yourself clenching your fists in a tough conversation. That's useful information — it tells you something is off. You can pause, uncross your arms, relax your hands, and reset your tone. Emotional intelligence isn't just about physical posture. It's about gaining the space to respond, rather than react. And for leaders, that's where true influence will begin. Related: Mastering thoughts and feelings for well-being Recognizing patterns One of the most powerful benefits of observing your own body language is that it reveals patterns. It's not just about catching a clenched jaw in a single meeting; it's about noticing that you always tense up before presenting or that you tend to cross your arms when someone challenges your opinion. These repeated signals are like emotional breadcrumbs, leading you to the beliefs, triggers, or stressors that live under the surface. This kind of pattern recognition builds emotional resilience. It helps you identify what consistently throws you off balance and gives you a clearer path to responding more skillfully in future moments. Start small. Choose one meeting, one conversation or one stressful moment this week to observe yourself more closely. How are you standing? Where are your hands? What is your breathing doing? These micro-observations, practiced regularly, create a foundation for greater clarity, confidence and emotional control. The power of tuning in As a society, we often talk about the importance of "reading the room." However, the most emotionally intelligent leaders I've worked with do something even more powerful: they read themselves first. True leaders understand that communication doesn't begin with words — it begins with emotional awareness. And by tuning into their bodies, they gain insight not only into how they're showing up, but why. Remember, emotional intelligence isn't just about understanding other people. It's about knowing yourself well enough to respond with intention and lead with lasting impact. Related: How to Build a Culture of Emotional Intelligence
Fast Company
6 days ago
- General
- Fast Company
The 6 attachments sabotaging your work
Americans are not happy these days. Some of this angst is caused by the state of the world. Americans feel lonely, angry, cynical, and polarized. How are we supposed to do our best work considering all that is going on? But the problem actually goes deeper. We get distracted, seduced, and sabotaged by internal conversations and stories that skew our perceptions and hijack our emotions, ultimately getting in the way of living a happy and fulfilling life and a career that makes us proud. We are carrying around baggage that trips us up, drags us down, and wears us out. Fortunately, our minds have incredible potential to reprogram and rewire themselves. By expanding our self-awareness, looking directly at our pain, putting life in perspective, and distinguishing what we can and cannot control, we can create the opportunity for change. As a psychologist who has advised hundreds of top executives and organizations in 55 countries, I've observed several attachments that keep people stuck, intensifying their anxiety, anger, and sadness and undermining their peace of mind. We are attached to: Stability We believe we can create stability and safety in our lives and careers. But there is no such thing. Every time we breathe, the world changes. By fearing change, we risk becoming too attached to stability. Research has shown that having a negative attitude toward uncertainty is associated with heightened anxiety and poor mental health. There's also a strong association between feeling a sense of gratitude and favorable markers of cardiovascular health. Remember: uncertainty is reality and stability is an illusion. So, confront your fear of the unknown. Step out your comfort zone and embrace new challenges and opportunities. And be grateful for what you have in your life. It's likely you have everything you need right now. Past Many of us are living in the past. We idealize or demonize our memories and become immobilized by old emotional scars, relationships that didn't work, or business deals that went sour. Unresolved trauma, self-blame, or nostalgia for happier times are often the cause of our psychological pain. By not facing the truth and practicing forgiveness, we risk becoming too attached to the past. Forgiveness is linked to positive mental health and fewer physical health symptoms. Here we must challenge our limiting beliefs, let go of our grudges, shift the focus to the present moment, and build new connections with colleagues. Future Others of us are preoccupied with the future. We obsess over what is missing in our careers. We are never satisfied with who we are or what we have accomplished. By worrying about the future, we diminish our confidence and peace of mind. Here, we miss out on the present moment and believe that happiness exists in the future. Excessive future-oriented thoughts have consistently been linked to higher anxiety and depression. Try letting go of future expectations, stop comparing yourself with others, and relish the small everyday moments. Control From early childhood we are taught to shape our environment. We take charge and cleverly influence people to get what we want. Determined to control the uncontrollable, we hide our vulnerabilities and risk becoming too attached to control. Mistrusting others and our own anxiety are often the culprit. Embracing vulnerability can lead to healthier relationships and less emotional and physical pain. So, stop micromanaging your team. Perfection We are imperfect by nature. Yet how many of us are ruled by the need to be perfect. Then we impose our perfection on the people around us. By fearing rejection and mistakes and ignoring our need for approval, we risk becoming too attached to perfection. A 2022 study of 16- to 25-year olds found that 85% of participants identified having perfectionist traits that affected their physical and mental well-being. Balancing our work/family/personal lives is never easy. So, do your best, allow room for flexibility, and fall in love with your imperfections. Success Many of us get this need met at work. But when our desire for success turns into a compulsive need for achievement, we've got another problem. We define success from the outside in, based on other people's expectations and not our own. This is driven by our fear of failure and not being good enough. People with an abundant, rather than a scarcity, mindset, are more creative, optimistic, and more unfazed by adverse circumstances. So, prioritize your well-being and happiness, practice self-compassion, and create space for rest and relaxation. Only when we confront our attachments head on can we drive true change. The result is more joy and freedom, and better performance. Keep in mind being detached does not mean being uninvolved or disconnected. Quite the opposite. By ridding our attachments, we free ourselves to embrace life fully and stay engaged in what matters.
Fast Company
7 days ago
- General
- Fast Company
Can you be too self-aware for your own good?
Few traits are more celebrated than self-awareness, broadly defined as the ability to know or understand yourself. And yet, self-awareness is surprisingly rare. Perhaps this is why we worship and cherish it so much, precisely because it doesn't exist in abundance. Like punctual trains or humble leaders, its absence only seems to increase our collective obsession with it. In fact, evolutionary psychologists have a persuasive explanation: there are clear survival advantages to not knowing yourself, especially your limitations (or as corporate HR calls them, 'development opportunities'). After all, if you truly knew how incompetent you were, you might never leave your bed, let alone apply for that senior leadership role. Consider this: if you are unaware of your shortcomings, you will convince others (and sometimes yourself) that you are better than you really are. Robert Trivers, in The Folly of Fools, showed how self-deception can be a social weapon: delusions of grandeur are not just self-fulfilling, they are contagious. Striking a balance Imagine Donald Trump interviewing for a job in a parallel universe where reality mattered. In a rational world, interviewers would calmly examine whether his self-belief is grounded in facts or fantasy. But in our actual world, we can't even agree whether he's a genius or a fraud: a branding visionary or a human Twitter thread. Similarly, a lack of awareness about actual risks can make you seem invincible. When you confidently stroll into a crisis like a contestant on The Apprentice saying 'failure was not an option,' people might just believe you. We mistake certainty for competence all the time, which is why some tech founders get billions for half-built prototypes, while self-aware geniuses write brilliant Medium posts that no one reads. So yes, you can be too self-aware. There's a fine line between humility and shooting yourself in the foot with a spreadsheet of your flaws. Worse still, in a world where everyone exaggerates their strengths, honesty gets mistaken for incompetence. Just like in a CV, even if you're meticulously truthful, employers assume you're inflating your achievements like everyone else. So when you list 'basic Excel' under skills, they read 'struggles with double-clicking.' Ironically, that means the only way to be taken seriously is to overstate, or risk being underestimated by default. So how do you strike the balance? The secret lies in cultivating internal self-awareness (a sober and honest assessment of your strengths and weaknesses) while externally projecting just enough confident swagger to not seem like you're narrating your own therapy session. Think of it as executive peacocking with emotional intelligence. It is better to be internally insecure and externally overconfident, than vice-versa. That said, because others are only able to judge your behavior, what matters is the image you project, irrespective of whether it is authentic or not, a sincere reflection of your self-concept or not, and based on your actual self-awareness or not. To be sure, there are more opportunities to succeed when you show overconfidence than self-awareness in real-life interactions. Some examples? Job interviews: The self-aware candidate says, 'I'm still learning how to delegate.' The blissfully deluded one says, 'I'm a natural leader—people just follow me.' Guess who gets hired? Team meetings: The self-aware person says, 'I'm not sure I have the answer.' The oblivious one says, 'Let's pivot and disrupt the value chain.' Guess who ends up presenting to the board? (Sad, yes, but true). LinkedIn bios: The self-aware write 'curious, collaborative learner.' The deluded write 'visionary thought leader, growth hacker, empathy-driven unicorn wrangler.' Guess who gets invited to speak at Davos? There seems to be no limits to the grandiosity of absurd titles people pick to describe their skills and roles on social media: Digital Overlord, Creator of Happiness, Change Magician, and Accounting Ninja. Ridiculous, yes, but if you go with the modest, accurate versions, namely IT Manager, Customer Service Representative, Organizational Change Consultant, and Financial Analyst, no one will care, remember, or be remotely impressed. You'll vanish into the LinkedIn void, right between 'results-oriented team player' and 'passionate about stakeholder alignment.' Can you fake confidence without deceiving yourself? Absolutely. In other words, you don't have to fool yourself to fool others. That's the magic trick (and downfall) of the modern workplace. Ultimately, true self-awareness isn't about navel-gazing or confessionals. It's about calibrating your self-image with feedback, especially from people who aren't your mum, your dog, or your Instagram followers. It's learning to see yourself as others see you, and then using that insight to pretend you're just a little better than you actually are. And if that sounds manipulative? Congratulations. You're self-aware. Authenticity as performance In my forthcoming book Don't Be Yourself, I argue that success depends less on being authentic than on knowing which version of yourself to perform when the spotlight's on. Of course, not everyone wants to perform. We live in a culture that fetishizes authenticity, as if our raw, unedited selves are always lovable, competent, and fit for public consumption. But the truth is that authenticity is a performance, too. It's just one that's more likely to make others uncomfortable, especially in professional settings. Imagine walking into a boardroom and sharing your unfiltered feelings about imposter syndrome, your recent therapy breakthrough, or your deep existential dread about the company's mission. That's honest. That's authentic. That's also a good way to get sidelined, labeled 'not a team player,' or, worse of all, 'not executive material.' Meanwhile, the person who polished their self-narrative, rehearsed their strategic humility, and remembered to nod empathetically at the right moments will likely be promoted. Why? Because they played the part—and in most high-stakes contexts, playing the part matters more than being the part. Impression management This is not cynicism. This is the reality of impression management, which is not only a survival skill but a professional superpower. In line, meta-analytic research suggests that emotional intelligence is basically impression management or faking good! Your career is less about who you are and more about how convincingly you can simulate the traits others value. Charisma, gravitas, confidence, these are often more influential than competence. Especially if you're a man. Or tall. Or attractive. Or all of the above. It isn't fair, or rational, or beneficial to the world . . . but it is what it is. The good news? You can learn this. You can learn to observe how you're seen, to script your strengths, to soft-focus your weaknesses, and to curate the version of you that fits the room you're in. This isn't selling out. This is growing up. It's understanding that success is not about being true to yourself, but about being true to your potential—and potential, like beauty, is always in the eye of the beholder. So yes, be self-aware. But not so self-aware that you become a philosopher when the job calls for a salesperson, an HR business partner, or a procurement officer. Learn which parts of you to mute, which ones to dial up, and which ones to save for your therapist. That, ironically, is the most authentic thing you can do. After all, the workplace isn't a confessional. It's a stage. As the great Erving Goffman noted, 'We are all just actors trying to control and manage our public image. We act based on how others might see us.'
Yahoo
14-07-2025
- Health
- Yahoo
What you need to know before you call someone "Toxic"
We all know what it feels like to be around toxic energy. Toxic behavior isn't always obvious or intentional. Sometimes, it's survival mode in disguise. Other times, it's unhealed pain masked as control, criticism, or silence. In today's TikTok Therapy world, we throw around the term 'toxic' often, but rarely turn the lens inward. We're quick to call out ghosting, gaslighting, and manipulation in others, but what if the red flags are in the mirror? What happens when we pause and ask: Could I be showing up in ways that hurt the people I care about? This piece explores 7 subtle ways we might unknowingly bring toxic energy into our relationships and how awareness can lead to change. This isn't about shame, it's about courage. Let's gentle look inward before we point any fingers… Do you deflect blame or justify your mistakes? Accountability isn't about perfection, it's about owning your impact. If you often say things like 'Sorry you feel that way' or 'I wouldn't have done that if you hadn't…,' you might be dodging responsibility. If vulnerability was punished in your past, defensiveness may feel like self-protection. Try to shift: Replace blame with honest reflection. Shift from 'Why is this happening to me?' to 'What can I do next?' Do you correct, critique, or offer 'honest feedback' that no one asked for? There's a fine line between being real and being rude. If you regularly highlight flaws without balancing encouragement, it could be toxic. We often judge others where we feel most insecure ourselves. Try to shift: Offer the compassion you wish you'd received Swap unsolicited advice for active listening. Do you sulk, withdraw, or guilt-trip when disappointed? Manipulation isn't always calculated. Sometimes, it's a learned way to cope when direct communication seems unsafe. If expressing needs was ignored or punished, guilt might feel like the only no matter the underlying reason, yielding power over someone else isn't healthy. Try to shift: Practice stating your needs clearly. Map them out by yourself first. Know that you're allowed to want things, and to ask directly. Do you take 'no' personally? Are you often trying to change people's minds? Respecting boundaries is a critical relationship skill. If you find yourself pushing back when others set limits, it may be time to pause. If boundaries weren't modeled in childhood, they may feel like rejection now. Try to shift: Learn to recognize boundaries as safety that protects you and others too. Reflect on your own boundaries. Practice asking people to share their boundaries in times you are unclear. Do people feel uplifted or drained after being around you? Honest venting can be okay at times, but if you're often stuck in complaint mode, it can impact those around you. What examples do you have of raising the vibe and how does that compare to dampening the energy? Negativity can feel protective, like bracing for impact, but it also can inhibit connection. Try to shift: Notice and name small wins and joys. Ground your honesty in hope. Do you plan everything, lead everything, and struggle to let go? Control can feel like safety when you've experienced chaos or betrayal. Fear of abandonment and the unknown often fuel control. While these are understandable anxieties, without working on them the need for control can eave others feeling suffocated. Try to shift: Create a safe space to explore your fears of letting go Focus on building inner safety. Trust what's meant for you won't require force to stay. Do you ghost, shut down emotionally, or quietly build resentment? Sometimes toxicity is in what we don't do. Silence, avoidance, and passive withdrawal are all signs of disconnection. Avoidance often stems from fear of confrontation or not feeling safe to express emotion. Try this: Reflect on the difference between acceptance and avoidance Start small, you don't have to tackle your biggest problems first. Maybe you're wondering, 'Does this mean I'm toxic?' Not necessarily. Truth be told, if your toxicity was sky-high you likely wouldn't have made it this far into this article. If you did notice room for growth, excellent work! It's that awareness, that we often overlook, that sparks impactful change. Before you go please remember, no one is perfect, and being willing to look at the truth is meaningful work.
