4 days ago
I've come clean about my sex addiction and now my wife's degrading routine is pushing me to the edge
1
DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER years of cheating on my wife, with different escorts and women I'd met through secretly dating and indulging in every sexual scenario you could imagine, I finally woke up to the fact I'm a sex addict.
Perhaps I deserve it but since I confided in my wife, she has subjected me to a daily humiliation.
At first I went along with it because I was so keen to prove to her that I was sorry and had turned over a new leaf. I've even been going to counselling to ensure I don't stray again.
But it's been months now and she still insists on this degrading routine every time I get home.
Do I deserve this or is it time that she gave me a bit more credit?
If I'm honest, the way she is behaving makes me want to go out and hook up with a stranger again.
I'm 43 and she's 42. Now, as soon as I get home she insists that I strip to nothing and then she literally inspects my body to make sure that I haven't played away.
I'm so fed up and the last time she asked me to take off my clothes I refused.
Later that night she refused to have sex with me saying there was no way she was touching me unless she knew I'd been faithful that day.
We always used to have a good sex life but after having our first son nine years ago, it felt like she shut up shop.
Looking back, she was exhausted and I could have helped more with all the sleepless nights but at the time our relationship really fell apart.
I felt like the spare part in my own home as she was so focused on our baby.
Dear Deidre: Cheating and can you get over it
I ended up turning to porn which quickly developed into hooking up with random women who I met through various sites.
The whole experience was so depressing and as soon as I'd finished having sex, I never wanted to see the woman again.
Then I started going to sex parties, always arranging to attend with someone I'd met on a hook up site.
One night I had a threesome with two women, and was pleasured by three other women. As I walked away I knew I had to stop.
The next morning I came clean to my wife who was devastated. I was so grateful when she said she wanted to give me another chance.
My counselling has finished now but it was helping me understand how I became addicted and also how to avoid falling into the same old routines.
But the way my wife is pushing me, I'm worried that I might not be able to hold out.
Help.
DEIDRE SAYS: Many men who go on to develop porn and sex addictions live with very controlling partners.
While they are at home they are model fathers and husbands, doing all the DIY, helping with chores, pitching in with all the childcare, working hard and providing.
But their addiction is how they release their frustrations and insecurities.
You cheated repeatedly and will have seriously damaged the trust in your relationship.
It's good you both want to rebuild your marriage but your wife's daily check ups are in danger of blocking any healing.
Talk to your wife and explain how these checks are making you feel.
Her behaviour is very controlling and so far away from building trust that something has to change.
I would strongly recommend getting couples therapy - with a sex and porn addiction specialist if you can. The Laurel Centre ( can support you both.
They will be able to help you both establish a more trusting connection so that your marriage has a real chance.
Dear Deidre's Sex Addiction Problems
From compulsive hook-ups to secret visits to escorts, sex addiction regularly surfaces in Deidre's inbox.
One woman feared her marriage was beyond repair after learning her husband was addicted to sex and repeatedly cheating on her with other women.
Another reader was haunted by the risk of STIs after a secretive pattern of paying for escorts spiralled out of control.
And a third man admitted his obsession with porn and multiple affairs had left him desperate to save his marriage before it completely unraveled.
Sex addiction — sometimes called compulsive sexual behaviour — isn't about enjoying sex a lot. It's about feeling unable to stop.
People with sex addiction may spend hours seeking porn, arranging hookups, or fantasising, even when it causes distress, damages relationships, or gets in the way of work or daily life.
The key feature isn't the amount of sex — it's the loss of control.
Common signs include:
Feeling anxious or depressed when you're not engaging in sexual activity
Trying (and failing) to cut back on porn, sex, or risky encounters
Hiding behaviour from partners or friends
Using sex to escape emotional discomfort
Neglecting responsibilities or loved ones in favour of sexual activity
Where to find support:
12-step programmes like Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA)
Therapy, especially CBT or psychosexual counselling
NHS referrals for compulsive behaviour or addiction services
For many, healing begins with recognising that sex addiction isn't about lack of willpower — it's about pain, coping, and the need for support rather than shame.
Ask me and my counsellors anything
Every problem get a personal and private reply from one of my trained counsellors within one working day.
Sally Land is the Dear Deidre Agony Aunt. She achieved a distinction in the Certificate in Humanistic Integrative Counselling, has specialised in relationships and parenting. She has over 20 years of writing and editing women's issues and general features.
Passionate about helping people find a way through their challenges, Sally is also a trustee for the charity Family Lives. Her team helps up to 90 people every week.
Sally took over as The Sun's Agony Aunt when Deidre Sanders retired from the The Dear Deidre column four years ago.
The Dear Deidre Team Of Therapists Also Includes:
Kate Taylor: a sex and dating writer who is also training to be a counsellor. Kate is an advisor for dating website OurTime and is the author of five self-help books.
Jane Allton: a stalwart of the Dear Deidre for over 20 years. Jane is a trained therapist, who specialises in family issues. She has completed the Basic Counselling Skills Level 1, 2, and 3. She also achieved the Counselling and Psychotherapy (CPCAB) Level 2 Certificate in Counselling Studies.
Catherine Thomas: with over two decades worth of experience Catherine has also trained as a therapist, with the same credentials as Jane. She specialises in consumer and relationship issues.
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