Latest news with #sextherapy
The Sun
09-07-2025
- General
- The Sun
My penis is too small to satisfy women – I feel so inadequate and depressed that I only pay for sex now
DEAR DEIDRE: BEING compared to my girlfriends' exes in terms of penis size makes me feel so inadequate that now, if I want sex, I pay for it. At least prostitutes don't judge me. I'm 42 and single. I have no trouble attracting women, but once we go to bed together, everything goes downhill. My penis isn't tiny. I've measured it both flaccid and erect, and when I'm aroused it's a good six inches. But my two most recent sexual partners told me their exes were at least eight inches long. And it's clear they preferred that. My last girlfriend was really into me until we had sex for the first time. I couldn't wait to take her to bed. We kissed passionately before sex and she told me how much she wanted me. But after intercourse, she seemed to withdraw. And then she got out of bed in the middle of the night to sleep on the sofa. The next day, she admitted I hadn't satisfied her, and so she didn't think we should continue to see each other. She denied it was the size of my penis that was the problem. But I know that isn't true. She'd already mentioned that her ex was so big it sometimes hurt. I think it's a myth that size doesn't count, but women are never honest about this. Now I feel depressed because there's nothing I can do to make my penis bigger. Understanding why your man's gone off sex DEIDRE SAYS: Being constantly rejected after sex must be extremely upsetting and damaging to your confidence. But while I agree the women you're sleeping with aren't being honest, I don't believe it's in the way you think. That's because you're actually slightly better endowed than the average man, whose erect penis measures between 5.1 and 5.5 inches long. It's statistically impossible that every one of your partners has slept with a man with an eight-inch member. Only about one in a hundred men is this big! Perhaps the issue is more about your self-esteem, which could be affecting your performance and may be putting women off. Next time you meet someone, resist the temptation to ask about her exes. Focus on foreplay – and read my support pack, Exciting Foreplay. My other packs, Raising Self-esteem and on Penis Size, should also help you with your issue. I'VE GONE OFF SEX NOW HE'S TURNED INTO A FREELOADER DEAR DEIDRE: SINCE my boyfriend stopped paying his way, I've gone off sex with him. He owes me a lot of money and barely contributes anything in rent and bills. I feel like I've lost respect for him. I'm 32 and he's 31. We've been a couple for four years, and living together in a flat I own for two. Last year, I lent him £25,000 to set up a business. He is slowly paying me back. But he's only putting £350 a month towards our mortgage and bills, while I pay well over double that. Our sex life has taken a dive, mainly because I don't feel attracted to him any more. It's been over six months since we were intimate. I wonder if I'd be better off single as he isn't contributing anything to my life. DEIDRE SAYS: When finances and overall contribution are unequal it can create imbalances in a relationship. Your boyfriend owes you a lot of money, and he's also not pulling his weight. This has left you feeling resentful. You've also lost respect for him. It's no wonder you're not in the mood for sex. If you want to save your relationship, you need to have an honest conversation with him and come up with a plan so that he can pay his way. My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, should help you to do this. Releasing your pent-up frustrations might kickstart your sex life. CANNOT ESCAPE PUSHY WOMAN DEAR DEIDRE: SITTING in my block's communal garden is no longer a pleasure because my annoying neighbour won't leave me alone. She spies me sitting there from her window, then comes to talk to me. It's driving me crazy, and – short of being rude – I don't know how to keep her away. I'm a 62-year-old divorced woman. I live in a lovely mansion block with beautiful communal gardens. I go out there for some relaxation time. But my neighbour, who is a few years older than me, seems to think I want to chat to her about her bunions or plumbing problems for hours. She also knocks on my door to ask for things – any pretext to chew my ear off. I don't want to be mean, but I have a busy life and many friends. I just want space. Short of selling my flat, what can I do? DEIDRE SAYS: Your neighbour sounds lonely. But you're not a charity befriending service and are entitled to some alone time. You need to be firm but fair. Attempt to set some boundaries. Next time she disturbs you, say you don't mean to be rude but you value your own space sometimes. Then suggest a cup of tea in the gardens at an agreed time. If you don't want to answer the door to her, either pretend you're not in or say, 'I'm sorry, but it's not a convenient time'. IS SPLITTING UP RIGHT FOR US? DEAR DEIDRE: BREAKING up with my boyfriend seemed like the right thing to do, but now I feel so awful I'm wondering if I've made a huge mistake. I don't fancy him, or even like him much any more, but we have a child together. Should I give things one more chance? We're both in our late thirties and have been together for ten years. We have a son, who's seven. I've been unhappy for a long time, but the other day something just snapped in me. I asked him if he was happy and, when he said he wasn't, and complained about the way I treat him, I said we should break up. He agreed, but told me we would be ruining our son's childhood and future. Since then, I've felt terrible. I honestly thought this was what I wanted, but now I'm not so sure. Is it normal to have doubts? We haven't told our son or anyone else that we're splitting yet, so it's not too late to change my mind DEIDRE SAYS: Breaking up, as the song goes, is never easy. If you expected to feel deliriously happy, then perhaps you were fooling yourself. You've been together for a decade. That's a hard habit to break. Don't get back together just because you're having doubts or for your son's sake – children are better off with happy, separated parents than in tense, unhappy homes. Sit down together and discuss what's best for everyone. It may be that you can make your relationship work again, but it will take effort and change from you both. See my support pack, Looking After Your Relationship.
Yahoo
27-06-2025
- Entertainment
- Yahoo
We're Sex Therapists. Here Are 7 Things We'd Never Do In The Bedroom.
Sex therapists are experts in a wide range of bedroom matters. Through talk therapy, they help their clients work through issues like low or mismatched libidos, performance anxiety, sexual shame and an inability to achieve orgasm, to name just a few. They can also help folks explore their sexuality, fantasies, kinks and non-monogamous relationship structures. Based on their years of professional experience, we asked these sexperts what they personally avoid in the bedroom. Here's what we learned. I would never try something new without a partner's consent. One of sex therapist Tom Murray's rules is to never experiment in the bedroom without talking to his partner and getting their approval first. 'The realm of intimate relationships is wide and diverse, providing endless opportunities to discover joy, pleasure and connection. But exploring new ground without consent from both parties may cause unease, betrayals of confidence and even injury,' Murray, author of Making Nice With Naughty, told HuffPost. Having conversations about your sexual desires and limits fosters respect, ensures both parties are on the same page and builds anticipation, he said. 'A good sexual relationship depends on this kind of conversation because it ensures that any exploration is grounded in permission and mutual curiosity, strengthening the connection and enhancing the experience for both parties,' Murray added. I would never fake an orgasm. Sex therapist Mary Hellstrom, clinical supervisor at The Expansive Group, isn't one to put on a show and pretend she's having an orgasm. 'Our culture is very 'results' focused, even and especially when it comes to sex. Some of the best sex I've had hasn't included a point of climax for me or my partner,' she told HuffPost. In fact, refusing to fake orgasms is a boundary she's set for herself. '[It] helps me to center my experience of pleasure and de-center the expectation that 'good sex' always has to include an earth-shattering orgasm,' she said. 'Less pressure equals more fun.' I don't police my partner's sexual fantasies. Sex therapist Nazanin Moali, host of the Sexology podcast, doesn't try to control her partner's fantasies, nor does she feel threatened by them. After all, fantasies are a natural part of our sexuality, she noted. And it's good to keep in mind that not everyone is interested in acting out the scenarios in their imagination. 'Various factors, such as our environment, stress levels, life stage and childhood experiences, contribute to what arouses us,' Moali said. 'It's common for our partners to have fantasies that may not involve us, and for most individuals, having a fantasy doesn't imply a breach of the relationship agreement. Embracing our unique desires and understanding the complexity of our sexual selves can enhance the intimacy and connection we share.' I would never shame my partner for what they're into. You won't find sex therapist Incia A. Rashid of The Expansive Group making rude or otherwise insensitive remarks about something a partner expresses interest in that would make them feel ashamed for opening up. 'In the sex therapy world, we have a phrase that goes, 'Don't yuck someone else's yum,'' she said. 'Causing someone to experience shame will undo their sense of safety. This applies to all aspects of intimacy, such as how a person presents themselves to their partners or suggestions for exploration from their partners.' Rashid has worked with female-identifying clients who are shamed by their partners for 'the littlest things' — like how they groom their pubic hair or what kind of lingerie they wear. 'You cannot experience true sexual freedom if you are being shamed,' she said. Nor would I shame myself for letting my mind wander during sex. As a sex therapist, Hellstrom doesn't beat herself up for occasionally engaging in mental fantasies during sex. Being totally in the moment is great, but 'it's also completely normal for the mind to wander when we're in the transcendental space of the erotic,' she explained. 'If my mind starts down a path of remembering past moments or fantasizing about new scenarios during sex, I allow my mind to journey down those paths without judgment,' Hellstrom said. 'This also allows me to gently return my attention to the present moment when I'm ready to do so. Less shame equals more fun!' I don't blame myself for a partner's erection issues. Moali doesn't assume that her partner's erectile issues are her fault unless that has been communicated to her. Often people take these bedroom issues personally, which only worsens the situation, when really it could be a result of stress, sleep disturbances, a physiological issue or other causes. 'It doesn't reflect on someone's attractiveness or chemistry if your partner is facing challenges; it could simply be a result of a bad night's sleep,' Moali explained. 'Instead of pulling away or ignoring the issue, a better approach is to ask them, 'How can I support you right now?' Let's foster a supportive environment!' I don't avoid uncomfortable conversations about sex. Sex therapist Janet Brito, founder of The Sexual Health School, told HuffPost that she prioritizes emotional intimacy and open communication about sexual preferences in the bedroom. Sure, these conversations aren't always easy to have, but they're integral to a satisfying sex life. 'It's essential to discuss what brings pleasure and address any obstacles openly and compassionately,' she said. 'My aim is to avoid criticism and instead focus on expressing needs and desires while enhancing arousal through intimate, kind and affirming acts. This fosters a positive cycle of connection, thereby enhancing sexual intimacy.'This article originally appeared on HuffPost.
The Sun
21-06-2025
- General
- The Sun
I've slept with 400 men to show them how to make love… parents have brought their sons to my £250-an-hour sessions
LYING in the arms of the man I'd just had fantastic sex with, I smiled with satisfaction. Somewhere out there was the next woman he'd sleep with, and she'd never know that, thanks to me, he'd been transformed from a clueless virgin into a skilled lover. But I wasn't in a relationship with this man – I was his sex therapist and surrogate. Over three months, we'd progressed from him starting to get comfortable with physical intimacy, such as hand-holding, hugging and stroking, to more sexual touching. And finally, we'd had sexual intercourse. I've been a sex surrogate for 15 years, and during my career I've supported women with a fear of intimacy, helped a Hollywood actor overcome his sex addiction, and guided couples on how to safely have an open relationship. I don't keep count of the number of clients I've slept with, but it's between 300 and 400. Growing up in São Paulo, Brazil, if you'd told me that one day I'd be teaching people how to enjoy sex, I would never have believed it. As a young woman, I was comfortable with my sexuality, but never questioned what I wanted or needed sexually. I moved to London for university at 21, then married a few years later and had four children. Running a successful events company with my husband, I enjoyed a comfortable lifestyle. But working 18-hour days soon burned me out, and I just wasn't happy. When I was 35, I ended my marriage, leaving my husband and the company, while I moved into a one-bedroom council flat with our children. I'm a sex coach, women always ask what to do if their man won't talk about sex and it's NEVER a good sign I went on to qualify as a masseuse, working with athletes and actors. I enjoyed my job, but wasn't earning enough to give my children the life I wanted for them. So, in 2013, I invested £3,000 in a surrogate partner therapy course, after seeing an ad in a local paper. I thought it sounded like a great opportunity to further my massage skills, but on the first day, I was shocked to learn I'd be expected to have sex with clients. I thought about quitting, but decided – with trepidation – to continue with the course because I'd paid so much money for it. I'd studied tantric sex in my spare time, so I was more comfortable with my sexuality than ever, but I didn't know if I'd actually be able to go through with sleeping with someone. Three months later, I met my first client, a single man in his 60s who was a virgin. My initial thought was: 'I can't do this, he's the same age as my dad!' But when I asked him why he'd come to the session, his response changed everything. He explained that his brother had passed away recently, and he realised he didn't want to die without knowing what love felt like. Men came to see me to overcome issues including being unable to get an erection, premature ejaculation, fear of intimacy and body dysmorphia Kaly Miller It helped me understand that there was a genuine need for sex surrogates and there was nothing sleazy about it. I spent a month focusing on helping this man feel comfortable with his body, and teaching him how to touch a woman, before we had sex. It felt so natural, as we'd established a trusting, loving bond and it made me realise how much impact a surrogate can have. He went on to have a relationship with someone for the first time, and was so grateful. How is masturbation beneficial for health? Masturbation is nothing to be embarrassed about - after all, it's physically and mentally good for you! Just like sex, masturbation - and likely an ending of orgasm - is healthy. Masturbation releases endorphins which boost mood and can alleviate depressive symptoms and cortisol, the stress hormone. It can help you relax, reduce stress and help you sleep better - which has a number of health benefits in itself. In one study, published in the Frontiers in Public Health, almost half of men and women who masturbated before bed said they either got better sleep quality, or fell asleep quicker. Spring Cooper is a social researcher with academic qualifications in public health, health promotion, and sexuality, said: "For women, masturbation can help prevent cervical infections and urinary tract infections through the process of 'tenting', or the opening of the cervix that occurs as part of the arousal process. "Tenting stretches the cervix, and thus the cervical mucous. "This enables fluid circulation, allowing cervical fluids full of bacteria to be flushed out. "Masturbation can lower risk of type-2 diabetes (though this association may also be explained by greater overall health), reduce insomnia through hormonal and tension release, and increase pelvic floor strength through the contractions that happen during orgasm." For men, there is evidence that climaxing may help to reduce the risk of prostate cancer - "probably by giving the prostate a chance to flush out potential cancer-causing agents," says Spring. Though the benefits of masturbation are not the most scientifically studied, there's certainly no harm in doing it. For the next five years, I worked under supervision – there was always a qualified sex surrogate present at all my client meetings, including during sex, and they would give me feedback and advise me if I was unsure. Men came to see me to overcome issues including being unable to get an erection, premature ejaculation, fear of intimacy and body dysmorphia. Women came to overcome trauma after giving birth, learn how to orgasm and to conquer their fear of penetration. I also treated people who had difficulties after physical and sexual abuse. THE NAKED ROOM Eventually, I set up my own clinic, The Naked Room. My four adult children and parents know and fully support what I do. They all came to cheer me on when I won Somatic Sexologist of the Year at the Sexual Freedom Awards in 2022. And though some friends were initially sceptical, they soon came round. Before accepting clients, I meet them on Zoom so I can find out why they want to see me and also observe their body language, in order to spot unsuitable people who think they can just turn up and have sex with me. One time, a man was naked. I turned off my camera and told him that's not what I'm here for. Then, once they've completed a consent form and paperwork, my prices start from £250 for a one-hour in-person session, to £1,250 for a day session of five hours. If a client is a virgin, the ultimate aim is for us to have sex. If they're female, I can pass them on to a trusted male sex surrogate when they're ready. Every client has to provide a recent STI test and I always use condoms. I also work with couples, although I don't touch them – I coach them on how to touch each other. I insist on at least three sessions, because this isn't a quick process, and a maximum of 10 to make sure they don't form a romantic attachment with me. Before meeting a client, I prepare by going to the gym or doing yoga, and I meditate on my commute. Since I turned 50, I'm conscious I need look my best, so I see a dermatologist, and of course I regularly do kegel exercises to keep my pelvic floor muscles tight. There have been many memorable moments over the years. When one client saw my vagina – the first he'd ever seen – he was blown away. 'It's marvellous!' he said. 'I love the colour and the texture.' I was thinking: 'I've had sex for 30 years and not once has a partner admired me the way this guy has.' Then there was the man with autism, who I helped have sex for the first time. His parents used to bring him to the sessions with me, and were so grateful. His dad said to me: 'Thank you for making him experience life as a man outside of his challenges.' Those sorts of moments are humbling and make me realise how much I'm helping people. My job has also helped me realise that sex can be incredibly powerful, rather than shallow or mediocre. I'm currently single, but I've had relationships since I became a sex surrogate. I've learned to separate my professional and personal life to avoid falling into 'work mode' and educating partners on being the ideal lover. I'm always transparent with a partner about my work and, so far, they've all been open-minded and unfazed by the fact I'll be sleeping with other men, and that I often get aroused while doing so. I have no intention of stopping anytime soon – I feel privileged to help people overcome their issues. Everyone who wants to enjoy great sex should be able to, and I'm happy to play a part in helping them achieve that.
Yahoo
17-06-2025
- General
- Yahoo
Most people think of their ex when pleasuring themselves, study reveals — here's what it means
They're getting it on while thinking of the past. Despite how your last relationship ended, if you think of your ex when pleasuring yourself, there's no shame in doing so — and you're not alone. 76% of men and 59% of women think of an ex when masturbating, according to a new survey from Ohdoki, the pleasure tech company that makes The Handy male sex toy. And before you fret, doctor and certified sex therapist Kristie Overstreet told the Everygirl that fantasizing about a past lover could mean a variety of things. If you're single and reminiscing about your past lover while showing yourself some lovin' — it 'could be a healthy way to look back on what was good in the relationship.' If you're in a relationship and still thinking about that specific person while masturbating — Overstreet told the outlet that people should look at it as a positive thing, as it could be 'a way to use the past relationship to help enhance the current relationship.' And oftentimes thinking of the sexual experiences you once had with a person that are now forbidden is a major turn-on for some when masturbating, according to Pamela Stephenson Connolly, a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist. And not everyone pleasuring themselves is thinking of a past fling — some are just preferring it over sex. When Charlotte thought she was 'addicted' to her rabbit vibrator in that famous 'Sex and the City' episode — she was onto something. The Ohdoki survey also revealed that 29% of people prefer solo pleasure to the real thing, including almost one in three men (31%) and just over a quarter of women (26%). A Swedish study even revealed that on average, women pleasure themselves nine times across a 30-day period — which equals about twice per week. Do the math, and that leaves little time for hanky panky with a partner. 'Some people may find masturbation more enjoyable than sex because they can find their own sweet spot — they know what they like and what they don't like,' said Gemma Nice, a sex and relationship coach. 'When you are masturbating, you can control the rhythm, the pace and the pressure. That level of precision allows people to tune into exactly what they want and reach orgasms that are incredibly intense.' While self-pleasure is healthy and normal — Nice explained, 'If you rely too heavily on masturbation for satisfaction, it can affect the quality of partnered sex.' 'You may become so used to your own technique that a partner's touch feels less fulfilling. Masturbation shouldn't be a replacement for connection. If that's happening, it's a sign that more open communication is needed, outside the bedroom, too,' she added.
SBS Australia
07-06-2025
- General
- SBS Australia
Hailey is a sex therapist. Her family still doesn't know what she does for work
Nationally, there are only a handful of sex and relationship therapists who offer counselling in Chinese dialects. Source: SBS News / Karin Zhou-Zheng For a long time, Hailey Lin's job has been a mystery to her extended family. Whenever her mother, who lives in Hong Kong, is asked about Lin by relatives and friends, she tells them she's a social worker "doing psychotherapy things" in Australia. But in fact, the Hong Kong-born 33-year-old does more than just psychotherapy: she works as a clinical psychosexual therapist in Sydney, where she helps people explore sex and relationships. Lin says despite her mother's reluctance to disclose her occupation, she is supportive of it. "She can be open-minded, but also she can be very conservative because it is not the norm in Asian culture [to talk] about sex or intimacy," Lin tells SBS Podcast Chinese-ish . Ronald Hoang has had a similar experience. Growing up in a Vietnamese-Chinese Australian household, Hoang watched his cousins become doctors, lawyers and pharmacists — professions his parents enthusiastically endorsed. But he decided to take a different pathway, specialising as a relationship and family therapist, which involves helping couples navigate love, intimacy and family systems. Even after years of practice, Hoang says his mother still feels confused about his work. "I'm pretty sure she still doesn't know what I do. The way she describes it is that I work with 'crazy people'," the 36-year-old says. But she's accepting … I think she understands it a bit better nowadays. Despite mixed reactions from their parents, Hoang and Lin are determined to change the prevailing narratives and taboos around sex and relationships within the Chinese Australian community — and part of a small number of therapists with Chinese backgrounds who offer specialised counselling on the topic. According to 2021 Census data, there are 4,026 psychotherapists — a category that includes psychosexual therapists — in Australia. Only 80 of them speak Mandarin, Cantonese or other Chinese dialects at home. Of that cohort, 42 were born in China, Hong Kong, Macau or Taiwan, making the pool of sex and relationship therapists with Chinese cultural and linguistic knowledge very small. Because of this, Lin and Hoang say they find their services particularly popular among Asian clients, who feel they have a cultural shorthand. Hoang says he noticed the influx of Asian Australian clients when he started his private practice. "I do get a lot more Asian clients who specifically come to me because they feel — and they even directly say this to me — that I would 'get them' a bit better," Hoang says. "So they do open up, and they do come [to the counselling sessions] because they feel I can relate to their culture." Lin says for some of her clients, talking about sex and intimacy can feel like speaking a foreign language. "Talking about sex [and using that] vocabulary, it can be like an alien or foreign language when you speak about your genital parts or even your intimacy," she says. She also notices that many of her Asian Australian clients are unfamiliar with how therapy works. Sometimes she says they expect her to act more like a GP who can prescribe them medication or expect an immediate result after the therapy. In Hoang's practice, traditional values around family loyalty are a recurring topic in his conversations with Chinese clients. "[I think] because a lot of us are migrants and come from various places that there is intergenerational trauma that's probably a little bit more frequent than other different kinds of backgrounds," he says. While some Australians may hold the impression that Chinese people tend to be conservative when it comes to intimacy, Lin says it's not the case. "There's a misconception that only Asian or Chinese people find [conversations about sex] challenging," she says. The fact is, even for Western people, they still find it challenging too, because it's against the mainstream culture. But for Chinese Australians, there are some cultural barriers that make it harder for them to have candid discussions about sex. Lin says the lack of comprehensive sex education in schools in many Asian countries is one of the key factors. "They just talk about biological stuff, but they don't tell you how to give consent to help your first sexual experience, or they don't talk about pleasure," she says. Even in cases where conversation is encouraged by parents or educators, Lin says many still focus on abstinence, saying things like, "'don't do this', 'don't fall in pregnancy', 'protect yourself', 'use a condom'". "But sex is something we need to learn, we need to build up; a skill we need to practice," she says. Hoang says shame is a key barrier that many Chinese people encounter when talking about sex. Shame is a weapon that's often used in Asian culture. "Shame is a feeling that we get when we're kind of telling ourselves that we are a bad person," Hoang says. "And the following action [typical for] shame is to hide, to withdraw, because you are such a bad person that you don't want other people to be around you and see you for the 'badness' that you are." As two of the very few sex and relationship psychotherapists with Chinese heritage who offer services in Australia, Lin and Hoang know they bear an extra responsibility in helping to educate their community about sex. Hoang says besides stigma and stereotypes, there is also a prevailing myth that sex should "always be good", especially with a committed partner, which can cause anxiety among some clients. Instead, he encourages them to think about "seasons" when it comes to sex. Hoang explains: "There are times when it's summer and it's hot and heavy, and there are other times when it's winter and cold, and then there are other times when it's spring or autumn when it's kind of lukewarm." Above all, he stresses communication is the key to having a positive sex life and relationships. "If you want more sex, just talk about it openly. It doesn't have to be something serious," he says. Lin agrees, saying it's natural for intimate relationships to ebb and flow and advocates for the 'good-enough sex model' — a psychological concept based on balancing positive experiences of intimacy with realistic expectations. "You will have frustration in your sex life, in your intimacy, but always it remains 'good enough sex'. "Sometimes we allow ourselves to have below-average sex, but sometimes also bring some novelty into our sex life, because this is human nature — we all like new stuff." With additional reporting by Bertin Huynh and Dennis Fang Lifestyle Sexual consent Sydney Share this with family and friends
