3 days ago
The six new holiday rules for summer
Holiday rules are already a confusing plethora of official regulations and local customs. And earlier this month, officials in the Italian town of Portofino threw a handful of googlies into the mix when it announced that tourists can no longer walk through the town's cobbled streets barefoot, in swimsuits or indeed topless. Alcohol can only be consumed in bars and restaurants, and God forbid you take a snooze on a wall. The new rules are targeted with precision at uncouth holiday makers and follow similar pan-European crackdowns, which include Vigo in Spain banning peeing in the sea, stealing pebbles in Sardinia and mooning in Grecian town squares. To navigate these regulations and others, here's my essential six new holiday rules. Don't leave home without it.
Disguise the pee-at-sea
I can't see how the Spanish authorities will effectively police their law against 'physiological evacuation at sea' as I doubt a band of uniformed snorklers will be taking to the waves to catch those worthy of a £650 fine. But they could spot you from the beach. So if you've decided that the beach loo is so foul that it's worth risking a fine, at least pee while you swim.
Do not be a cruise bore
Heavy fines await anyone who strikes up conversations with strangers on holiday on the subject of cruises, particularly while travelling on cruise ships. Your knowledge of deck numbers, cabaret, restaurant facilities, excursions, staff-to-passenger ratios, hull strength or balcony-laden floating condominiums are not topics for public consumption.
Do not take iPads to restaurants
If you're foolish enough to own such a device, do not let it leave the bedroom in the evening. On no account bring it to a taverna with the idea that it will keep the kids quiet unless, of course, you wish to be perceived as a regressive gimp. It's better for humanity if your offspring engage in food fights and it's grotesquely offensive to continental culture that favours conversation. But books, card games and colouring-in is very much allowed.
Learn some local lingo
You must pay respect to the locals and learn the following few crucial sentences so that you can fit in and pleasantly surprise the natives. 'Six beers, please', 'Can you re-heat these chips?', 'I can't afford Château Minuty, do you have any retsina?' 'I have no money but my son will do the washing up', 'What's the Wifi code?', 'Can we get free drinks if we tag you on Instagram?'
Enjoy hire car roulette
Post-Brexit, it is now harder to gain access to European resolution systems so just enjoy the game for what it is. Thus simply treat the following as a cultural lesson as you discover the hire car is a shuttle-bus-ride away from the airport, there's a queue outside the office with no shade, the staff are competing to see who can display greater nonchalance and there are no water or loo facilities. Their office is closed on the day of your flight home so you'll have to bring it back the day before, oh, and it'll need to be returned with a full tank although the nearest petrol station is 50 miles away.
Holiday like you're on holiday
Terrible punishments will be meted out to those who confuse holiday with travel. Travel is what occurs to and from the holiday; it's the nightmare bit, no longer some romantic interlude of discovery. A holiday is about no washing up, or shopping or cooking. It is not about the news, or emails, or X or Trump, but about the pool and your sunbed in relation to it. And, endeavouring against my better judgement to adhere to much of the above, I hope to see you back here in two weeks if I return.
