3 days ago
Women Are Sharing The Things Their Exes Did That Seemed Small At First But Turned Out To Be Massive Red Flags
When you're in a relationship, it's easy to brush off little things — a weird comment here, an offhand joke there — especially if everything else seems fine. But hindsight really is 20/20. So when u/IntrovertChapt3rs asked, "What's something your ex did that felt small at the time but now screams red flag?" the replies were full of early warning signs. Here are 27 of them:
1."Lied on our first date. It was such a small thing. I had caught him calling me the wrong name (though not completely, it was a similar name). He lied and said he didn't. Turns out, he's actually a massive liar, manipulator, and gaslighter. I have no clue if anything he told me is true now."
—u/okeydokeyartichokeyy
2."Condoms kept coming off during sex (or he took it off?). Then, when I asked if he was wearing a condom, he SHOCKINGLY discovered that he wasn't and got mad at me as to why I didn't tell him earlier. Very manipulative, if you ask me. Dude, YOU are behind me. You should see when your condom comes off?"
"I had to take three SOS pills because his condom kept coming off — until I finally snapped at him to buy smaller-sized condoms. I also stopped having sex with him and moved out. Fuck that."
—u/This-Cookie5548
3."When we were first talking, I noticed every time I pulled out my phone to check my messages and reply, his eyes would be glued to my screen. It didn't really bug me at the time, but I thought it was kind of odd. I always look away from people's phones when I see them replying to messages — I don't want them to think I'm nosy or something. Fast forward a few months into dating, and he's constantly going through my phone. Constantly snooping through my social media and hacking into my accounts to go through my messages. Constant
"There were other red flags, but that one stuck with me for some reason."
—u/creepygirl420
4."He became wildly defensive during our first minor argument. He turned it around on me, and I ended up apologizing. It happened so fast, and I was so shocked and confused. I didn't know what gaslighting was and had never experienced it before, so I let it go. It happened again not long after — and was way more extreme — when I told him my feelings were hurt by something he did. He absolutely lost it and started calling me names, told me I was being crazy, and that I had done way worse things to him but he didn't say anything."
"I sat there dumbfounded and shared our conversation with a close friend, who was also a therapist. She told me I was being gaslit. If someone can't handle slight criticism, or refuses to apologize or take any accountability for how they made you feel (not to mention actually giving a shit about how you feel), RUN."
—u/Heregoesnothin-
5."He actually told me he's a liar. I told him I wouldn't tolerate lies, so he better not. He said, 'Sure thing, baby.' Sigh."
—u/bCollinsHazel
6."Got mad when I didn't text back fast enough. Thought they just control issues."
—u/Impossible-Tackle935
7."When I would confront him about how some of the things he said felt very mean, he would say, 'I'm not mean, I'm just honest.' Such a gaslighter."
—u/camccoz
8."Asking me to do things early on. I'm a helpful person and didn't think anything of it at the time. But looking back, I realize it was him testing boundaries for his weaponized incompetence, like not being able to walk HIS own active dogs that he bought."
—u/Izzslth
9."He'd ignore me after every fight, never talk things through. Days would pass, then he'd show up with food like nothing happened. No 'sorry,' no acted like everything was fine."
"Back then, I was naive and was very 'in love,' so I didn't realize it was a huge red flag."
—u/PurpleSandi4275
10."He asked me to lie to his parents about something small in a way that made me look bad. (He asked me to tell them I was arguing with him via text when he got into a fender bender.) At the time, we'd just started dating, and I didn't really care that much what they thought of me, so I did it. He later used that and a few similar instances he manipulated me into to 'prove' to them I was crazy, jealous, abusive, etc., after we broke up. He was really playing the long con. At the time these instances happened, we were perfectly happy together, but he was still hedging his bets."
"Anyway, someone asking you to lie for them — even about something small that doesn't seem like a big deal — is a total red flag. Wish I'd realized."
—u/riseandrise
11."He didn't want to go public about our relationship. We were in university together, and he was on the student council committee, while I was very active with clubs and such. He said it was because people might think the committee was favoring my clubs and being biased, etc. Nope. It was so he could cheat on me. I was just too naive to realize."
—u/MiloAisBroodjeKaas
12."He lied to a cashier. Nothing really criminal; the cashier just routinely asked how our day was going. When I was just about to say, 'Fine, how about yourself?' he spoke first and said we had gotten into an accident on our way to the store. Not true at all. We didn't even have a close call. I should have realized then how much it spoke to him being an impulsive, casual liar. It did really bother me at the time, but I talked myself down and convinced myself I was just being silly. After all, it was a lie that didn't really have an impact on anything. But really, it told me everything I should have known."
—u/virgo_em
13."Whenever a song would come on the radio that I liked and was obviously enjoying, he'd change the channel. When I'd protested, he'd pretend he couldn't find it again — and laugh. All the time. A seemingly little thing, but so indicative of how senselessly cruel he could be for absolutely no reason."
—u/jcpianiste
14."It got to a point that I couldn't remember a time when we had a conversation without him staring at his phone. He would either be 'responding to work messages' or watching stupid reels, and half the time I'd have to repeat what I said — because of course he wasn't listening."
—u/Sarah1608
15."He always wanted to share the things he enjoyed with me, but he never showed any interest in the things I cared about. If I wanted to show him a movie I liked, he would work on something else while watching, or just be on his phone. Anytime I made plans for us to do anything, he wouldn't want to go — so we just wouldn't go. I played him a song I really love, and while I was full of tears because it felt vulnerable, he said, 'Yeah, I just don't get it.' Then when we broke up, he had the audacity to say he took charge in the relationship and I didn't provide much."
—u/strawberrynausea
16."The way he spoke to his mother."
—u/SoupedUpSpitfire
17."Never had fun. He acted like a stick in the mud and would make fun of everyone for being so immature and not having their lives together. In reality, he just always needed to feel superior to everyone around him."
"I'm quite sure he's still offended that I haven't crawled into a hole and died without him taking care of me. My success and happiness without him must upset him so deeply that he has to revert to being unemployed and living off his father."
—u/psdancecoach
18."'I try to be nice.' At the time, I thought that was some good personal growth in the making to admit that. Turns out, no, he's a walking red flag in very 'nice' packaging. As someone who just IS nice — maybe to a fault — I never really need to try. I want to be kind and help people. Trying isn't something I ever have to do."
—u/Sad_Marketing_Girl
19."He criticized my natural hair color and told me he prefers black hair, so I should dye it."
—u/Inactivism
20."Compared me to his friends' girlfriends or just girl friends in general. Kept on asking me why I can't be more like them, why I can't have the same vibes as them, etc."
—u/brokechingchongghorl
21."Walked faster than me when we were on dates at the mall. I always felt alone because we'd walk separately as if he didn't know me."
—u/brokechingchongghorl
22."Never helped me with house chores, even when I got sick."
—u/brokechingchongghorl
23."Always swept our problems under the rug. Made me feel like he was never ready for hard conversations."
—u/brokechingchongghorl
24."Never initiated paying for his own meals when we were out on dates."
—u/brokechingchongghorl
25."Love bombing in the beginning, but I didn't know that's what she was doing or even what love bombing was. I suppose I felt like it was great that someone wanted me as much as she seemed to be demonstrating she did. At the same time, I was also overwhelmed and confused. I felt like a horrible person when she got upset at me for not responding 'correctly' to a love letter she wrote. Or when I didn't have the money to reciprocate a fairly expensive present she got me not long after we started talking (not that she expected me to, but it was a big gesture and I felt awkward). I ended up in tears several times because it was all just a lot. But still, nope, I didn't think it was a red flag."
"It was only my second relationship, and my ex-husband hadn't ever behaved that way (not the right relationship either, obviously — it became very platonic, but we're still really good friends). I think I thought it was somehow kind of romantic. Maybe that's what passion really was. And I was also just thrilled that another woman was actually interested in me (I'm bi),
I was incredibly naive. I genuinely had no idea people could be attracted to you and also be shitty to you — and I learned the hard way. The whole thing ended up being a toxic nightmare, and it brought out unpleasant parts of me as well."
—u/draoikat
26."Drink constantly."
—u/lallen8029
27."Passive aggressiveness. Getting mad and then giving the silent treatment while you have no idea what's upset them. Bro, I'm not a mind reader. Use your damn words. It's manipulative and immature."
—u/nycsep
Looking back, have you realized something your ex did was a massive red flag in disguise? Or are there any things you've noticed in others' relationships? Drop your biggest red flag that originally seem(ed) small in the comments below.
Note: Responses have been edited for length/clarity.
