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New York Times

If I Don't Invite My Difficult Sister to Visit, Can I Invite the One Who's Less Trouble?

I have two sisters who live in different parts of the country. All of us are mothers with young kids. Both of them have visited with their young children, but one family was a real strain on us while they were here: Toys were destroyed, food was smeared on furniture, and cleanup and cooking were left mostly to me. Usually, I have the energy for these visits, but we're really not feeling up to it this year. I haven't seen either of my sisters for a year and a half. Am I correct in assuming that if I tell one sister that I am not up for a visit from her family, that I cannot invite my other sister — whose family members were easy and helpful guests — either? SISTER As a sibling myself, I suspect your conundrum may be rooted in history: The sister with whom you had the difficult experience probably has a track record of not pitching in, right? (That's how it is with my family, anyway.) So, my job here is twofold: first, to assure you that you can invite whomever you like to your home. It would be a shame not to see either sister simply because you don't currently have the energy for one of them. More important, though, I want you to know — and I can back this up with personal experience, too — that relationships with siblings can change in adulthood. For starters, your sister's children are nearly two years older now and probably less likely to break toys and smear food on furniture. And, as an adult, you can explain to your sister that you are exhausted now — and predicate any invitation on her willingness to be your partner in managing the house (and all the children) during their visit. If this seems impossible to you or destined to fail, I respect your feelings. So, how about proposing a meeting of your sisters (and their children) at some neutral location — at cabins on a lake, maybe? And I think it's worth considering whether a single difficult conversation with your sister, one for which you can prepare in advance, is preferable to letting a lifelong relationship wither. Even at Dawn, No Peace in the Gym I live in an apartment building that has a private gym for residents on the ground floor, with windows facing the street. I often use it by myself at 5:30 a.m. During business hours, packages for tenants are delivered to the front desk. But before and after hours, there is a system for making secure deliveries to an unmanned package room and a sign that tells delivery drivers how to do this. I'm not sure if they see the sign or know how to use the system, but drivers often bang on the gym windows instead and ask me to let them into the building. I don't feel safe doing this as a woman alone early in the morning. Still, I know that delivery drivers work hard, and I don't want to make their jobs more difficult. What should I do? Want all of The Times? Subscribe.