4 days ago
I'm pregnant after affair with wealthy man but he won't take any responsibility… should I contact his mum?
DEAR DEIDRE: A PASSIONATE but short-lived affair with a wealthy man has ended with me now expecting his baby.
I am a 30-year-old single mum. I've been divorced for two years and have two beautiful daughters, aged seven and five.
One night I was lonely at home after they had gone to bed and I set myself up on a dating app.
It was quite encouraging to see the responses I got and it wasn't long before I had arranged to meet up with a guy.
He was 37, single and very, very good-looking.
He told me he was a financial adviser and he was clearly pretty well-off. We went to a bar for a few drinks and afterwards I went back to his penthouse flat.
We used condoms but one night I noticed the condom was torn.
Still, I thought it was safe and put any worries out of my head — until I missed my period. I was pregnant.
When I messaged him, he told me he wanted nothing to do with the baby or me. I was so shocked at his tone and messaged back to tell him I'd booked a termination.
Predictably he replied, telling me it was the right decision and to get rid.
But before my appointment, my maternal instincts kicked in and I couldn't go ahead with an abortion.
I told him I'd had a change of heart and cancelled the appointment. Since then I have sent him updates of my pregnancy including photos of ultrasound scans.
It hasn't made any difference. He is adamant he doesn't want to be a father or take any responsibility.
He is from a wealthy background and I am certain he hasn't told anyone about this.
He is still on the dating app and acting as though nothing has happened. I know I can cope on my own and my daughters are excited at having another sibling.
I am wondering whether I should contact his mum and tell her she is going to be a grandmother.
Why should she miss out? Is this a good idea?
He can't abandon you either. He has a legal obligation to pay towards his child's upkeep even if he doesn't want to be involved in their life.
HE WANTS ME AS I'M A VIRGIN
DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER a perfect first date with a lovely guy, he has told me he only wants a casual, physical thing. I am not sure if this is such a bad idea.
I am 18 and he is 20. We met through a mutual friend a couple of weeks ago. I was so excited when he asked me out on a date.
We ended up going for a drink in town before heading off into our local park for an impromptu picnic.
It was so romantic and I thought it was the beginning of something really special. We talked about anything and everything and had loads of things in common.
Then he told me that he wasn't looking for a girlfriend. He just wants someone to hook up with occasionally and keep things casual.
I am still a virgin. He said that because of that he likes me even more.
He has promised to look after me and make our first time special but is it a good idea?
DEIDRE SAYS: This guy is investing nothing in you emotionally.
He doesn't want a girlfriend, he just wants sex and to be your first.
He has also made that pretty plain.
You owe him nothing, so only have sex when you are ready and when you are with the right guy.
You could be setting yourself up to get very hurt and feeling used.
Tell him being so casual just isn't your scene.
My support pack Learning About Relationships explains more.
SO REGRET FINISHING WITH HER
DEAR DEIDRE: SPLITTING up with my girlfriend was the worst decision I ever made.
I realised that I'd made a big mistake when she spotted me at a beer festival in town.
I am 34 and she is 33. We split up just over a year ago after being together for three years.
We just seemed to be drifting apart and things were stale – or so I thought at the time.
It was my decision to end our relationship, and I know she was heartbroken when I told her how I felt. We have been able to stay friends and I see her out and about.
She has a new guy now. She seems really happy with him whereas I have not been able to move on.
She told me they have plans to go to New Zealand next year.
It is a place I have also wanted to visit for many years. I know I made a terrible mistake in letting her go.
DEIDRE SAYS: Please don't beat yourself up over this. You made a decision that felt right at the time.
The chances are if you and she got back together you would soon feel the same way all over again.
She has put you behind her and you have to get on with your life. My support pack Moving On will help you to do this.
Start planning your own holiday now. It will give you something to look forward to.
There are lots of single traveller websites if you don't want to travel alone.
SPITEFUL EXES KEEPING KIDS AWAY FROM ME
DEAR DEIDRE: MY daughter's mother says I can only see our girl for a few hours in the morning on my birthday, rather than having her stay with me overnight as originally planned.
It means she will miss out on seeing my parents too as they were going to arrive in time for a celebration dinner. I'm 37 and my daughter's ten.
I know my ex is doing it to punish me because I can't pay her this month.
I also have a son by a different woman. He is almost 13 but I barely see him at all.
His mother has virtually alienated him against me so all I get is an occasional text and a visit once in a blue moon.
I am doing my best to provide for both of my kids, but I have recently changed jobs and won't get my first wages for another week, which is why I can't pay my daughter's mum her monthly maintenance until later.
I know she will have twisted it and told my little girl that I don't care about her.
It is all lies but this is what she is like, as we had a bad break-up.
I'm in a bad way. I feel like everyone's against me. Sometimes I think it would just be the easier option for everyone if I ended it all.
DEIDRE SAYS: This is heartbreaking for you and your children too. It is cruel of your exes to deny you contact.
I wonder whether you gave your daughter's mum the heads-up that your money would be late this month. Tell her the cash will be coming soon.
If she won't speak to you, is there someone such as a friend or relative who can mediate between you? If not, mediation could really help (
For more advice check out Both Parents Matter ( 0300 300 363).
If you continue to feel down, call the Samaritans ( 116 123) and please do see your GP too.
