6 days ago
‘The Infinite Workday': 5 Signs It's Ruining Your Relationship
Research shows that "the infinite workday" of overworking can slowly interfere with and deteriorate ... More your intimate relationship unless you take preventive actions.
Has your partner failed to appear at family gatherings too many times because of a busy workday? Has he promised to spend more time with you and not delivered because he's overloaded at work? Has she said, 'I'll quit working 24/7 tomorrow,' but tomorrow never comes? Or has he stood you up or kept you waiting because he's trying to get caught up? If you answered yes to these questions, 'the infinite workday' could be undermining your relationship.
When 'The Infinite Workday' Becomes Work Infidelity
Microsoft's 2025 Work Trend Index Annual Report reveals the concept of 'the infinite workday,' where 40% of employees are up by six a.m. checking emails, and by ten p.m. 29% are back into their inboxes. With the emergence of AI and hybrid working, the modern workday has become boundless, stretching from early morning email checks through late evening meetings and weekends, sometimes turning into work infidelity.
Ethan's infinite workday was like a weekend lover. He lied to his fiance so he could rendezvous with work at the office: 'I'd tell her I was going to to Dave's to watch the game on a Saturday, and I'd end up in my office working. After calling and not finding me, she'd call the office and say, 'I thought you were going to Dave's. 'I felt like I'd been caught with my hand in the cookie jar.'
Jena told me that her marriage revolves around her husband's impossible work schedule, describing how she has lived with loneliness, disappointments, broken promises, anger and chaos. 'Nobody can ever understand my pain when they see the million-dollar house I live in or my beach house, the cars, boat, clothes and travel,' she said. 'I have luxury that some people dream about, and most importantly, I have a dedicated husband who works hard for the family."
She describes living like a single mother for her three sons, watching her husband's workday out of control, killing himself working weekends until 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning, taking no lunch breaks, conducting business while wolfing down meals, even while in the bathroom. She says on vacations he's unable to relax without working, that he works while driving and has had several accidents.
Sara told her husband she'd enrolled in an aerobics class after work to escape his pressure to come home on time. But the truth was, after working overtime online in her office, she changed from business outfit to aerobic garb, tousling her hair and dampening her tights with water to convince her husband she had ended her infinite workday.
Research: 'The Infinite Workday' Harms Relationships
I led a research team at the University of North Carolina at Charlotte, in a series of the first studies on couples in which one partner was caught up in the infinite workday. We found that couples in these marriages are far more likely to divorce than couples when neither party is an infinite worker.
Women in infinite workday marriages report far more marital estrangement, emotional withdrawal and thoughts of separation and divorce than women not in infinite workday marriages. Their husbands toil an average of nine and a half more hours a week than the husbands who have work balance. Only 45% of women in infinite workday relationships were still married, compared to 84% of the women not in those marriages.
My team repeated the study, asking husbands to rate their marriages. Husbands who perceived their wives as infinite workers are more likely to describe greater incidences of marital estrangement and negative feelings. Together, these two studies suggest that the strength and cohesion of a relationship is associated with the presence or absence of their partner's infinite workday.
Signs Of 'The Infinite Workday' In Your Relationship
If you're the partner or spouse of someone stuck in 'the infinite workday' cycle where your relationship comes second, your future could be in trouble, and chances are you . .
1. Feel alone, that your infinite working partner has left you with the responsibility of holding the relationship/family together.
2. Notice that your infinite working partner doesn't tolerate obstacles to working.
2. Feel unimportant and minimized, even innately defective, because your partner's workday steals attention from you.
3. Harbor feelings of anger, resentment, sadness and guilt.
4. Live under a distinct set of unwritten and unspoken rules, dictated by your partner's infinite workday.
5. Plan your social life and family activities around your partner's workday.
Rebuilding A Relationship From 'The Infinite Workday'
Sometimes infinite workers are not fully aware that their extreme workdays are harming their health or relationships, especially if they're working out of fear of layoffs, as many are. So, if the infinite workday starts to infiltrate your relationship, an open conversation is in order to keep it vital.
It's important to speak openly and compassionately about your concerns. Find out if your partner shares those concerns and is interested in negotiating boundaries around the amount of time each of you spends working.
Create a relationship vision and plan specific times to spend together. One possibility is to agree to carve out an evening hour to be together (without AI, cell phones, Internet or television). Meals are a great time to set boundaries in place and enjoy intimate conversations. See if you can agree that on weekends and vacations infinite workdays are off-limits and working on days-off are the exception instead of the rule.
But no matter what, don't put your life on hold for your infinite worker. Many partners and spouses build their lives around their partner's work schedule because they want to feel connected and supportive, which is understandable. But you could be enabling the very behavior you want to stop. And it often leads to more hurt and disappointment.
When you're longing to spend time with your partner, the key is to stop postponing your life. If you plan a trip to the zoo with the kids and your partner cancels (for the umpteenth time) because of last-minute job demands, go anyway. Or when he or she promises to be home in time for dinner and never shows, consider eating on time and, instead of putting dinner on the table at midnight, let your partner fix his own meal. Not out of anger, but out of self-care.
Refrain from bringing electronic devices when she goes to bed sick, avoid making alibis for her absenteeism or lateness at social functions or family gatherings or covering for her by lying to business associates. And leave the responsibility with your partner to explain her absences.
It's counterintuitive, but keeping the plans you make with your infinite partner is often the exact healing medicine your relationship needs. When you go alone, you often get your partner's attention, and it provides the groundwork for positive change. If all else fails, ask your partner to go with you to couples therapy to discuss how the infinite workday is interfering with your relationship. Or seek out a support group or individual counseling on your own.
