Stop avoiding change because it's 'uncomfortable,' says Melinda French Gates—her tactic for being resilient in tough moments

CNBC

30-04-2025

Billionaire philanthropist and investor Melinda French Gates is no stranger to major life changes and uncomfortable transitions.
"I've gone through a tremendous amount of transition," she said on an April 15 episode of Simon Sinek's "A Bit of Optimism" podcast. "I left a marriage. I left the foundation. I've struck out on my own in philanthropy ... There's so much to learn in [any] transition, and so much growth that can happen."
To get through those tough moments, French Gates did something simple, she said: She surrounded herself with people who she could trust. Their outside perspective — whether it related to her divorce from Microsoft co-founder Bill Gates in 2021, leaving the nonprofit Gates Foundation in June 2024 or any other big transition — helped her get out of her own head, and make smarter decisions amid the turmoil, she added.
"I surrounded myself with people who know how to hold space for me to be uncomfortable," said French Gates, who now runs investment and philanthropy organization Pivotal Ventures. "I surrounded myself with good friends who reminded me, 'We don't know where you're going, but you will be OK.'"
When French Gates first considered ending her marriage, her three closest friends were the first to know, and they immediately offered support, she told Oprah Winfrey and Gayle King in a July 24 episode of French Gates' "Moments That Make Us" YouTube series.
"They are my truth counsel. Whenever I'm going to make a really hard decision or make a big transition, I know I have to have the courage to tell them," French Gates said, adding that she wouldn't have made it through her divorce without them. "You actually need a friend who will tell you the truth, even when you don't want to hear it."
Uncomfortable truths can be valuable, French Gates noted. Give yourself time to "sit in that uncomfortable space" and think about your options, so you can make healthy long-term decisions without doing something you might later regret, she recommended.
If you know you want to leave your employer, for example, you might want to immediately submit job applications to other companies. Without taking the time to consider what the "right" job for you looks like, you could end up accidentally chasing another unfulfilling role.Some circumstances require you to reflect for longer than others. French Gates lets herself "go through those cycles of grief, anger, denial, and you go through them multiple times," she said. "You don't just go through them and [say], 'Oh. Done. Cleaned up with that' ... That would be lovely, but you don't."
The skill of sitting with your emotions, instead of burying or avoiding them, is what Yale lecturer and psychologist Emma Seppälä calls "emotional sovereignty." It's a "critical skill" that people with high emotional intelligence use to make better decisions and stay mentally resilient, Seppälä wrote for CNBC Make It in April 2024.
"Notice how fast children get over emotions. The tantrum happens; they scream at the top of their lungs. They cry 100%. Two minutes later they're done. Sovereign once again," she wrote. "They feel their feelings and let the emotions flow through them. As the saying goes, 'feel it to heal it.'"
The next time you're facing a tough, uncomfortable situation, practice "patience, acceptance and self-compassion," Seppälä recommended. "Let the emotions wash over you like a wave that comes, keeps you underwater for a bit, but eventually passes so you can resurface and take a breath of fresh air."
After a while, you may become less weary about uncomfortable transitions altogether.
"You find yourself on the other side far more resilient," French Gates said. "At least in my case, I'm way less afraid of change now. I'm much more like, 'Bring it on.'"