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CNBC
6 days ago
- Lifestyle
- CNBC
Most people get 1 thing wrong about becoming happier, says expert: Do this to feel fulfilled and at peace instead
When some people think about becoming happier, they daydream about earning more money, owning a bigger house or driving fancier cars. Happiness is simpler than that, expert Mo Gawdat said on a June 24 episode of Simon Sinek's "A Bit of Optimism" podcast. Crossing off goals on a wish list won't make you feel better long-term. Instead, happiness comes from paying attention to what makes you feel stressed, drained or held back, and eliminating those elements, Gawdat said. "If you understand [that] your default setting is 'happy,' then there is nothing you need to bring from outside you to find happiness," said Gawdat, 58. "You need to remove s--- to be happy."Gawdat learned the lesson first-hand, he said. A former chief business officer at Google, he became "filthy rich at age 29," and had all the trappings of a successful life: a high-paying job, a house with a pool, a family and fancy cars, he said. Still, he often felt depressed, he added. "The more you succeed and realize that this is not what you want, the more depressed you become," said Gawdat. His life changed after his son Ali died at age 21 during a routine appendectomy in 2014, he said. Inspired by Ali's zest for life, he said, he sat down to learn and write about happiness, resulting in his first book, "Solve for Happy: Engineer Your Path to Joy." He's since published three more books, including his latest, "Unstressable: A Practical Guide for Stress-Free Living." Removing unhappiness from your life could mean ending an ill-matched friendship or relationship, or quitting a draining job, said Gawdat. It could also mean removing any internal expectations you have that don't match reality, he added. You shouldn't buy a vintage car, for example, unless working and spending money on maintaining it brings you joy, he said. And if your day-to-day mood depends on everything consistently going your way, that mindset should go on your list of things that make you unhappy, he added — particularly if you're easily bothered by events you can't control, like bad weather or unexpected road traffic. Setting realistic expectations for your life takes practice and accountability, said Gawdat. "If you want rain, rain makes you happy. If you don't want rain, rain makes you unhappy," he said. "It's not what life gives you. It's what life gives you in comparison of what you want life to give you." Misaligned expectations — expecting something to make you happy, when it has little chance of doing so — can contribute to your stress and lack of personal fulfillment, particularly around money, relationships and careers, some other experts say. "Most of our anxiety stems from what I call 'big P' Purpose, which is overly focused on the outcome or destination. It's the kind of purpose that made me want to become a doctor, for example," Dr. Jordan Grumet, a hospice medical director and author, wrote for CNBC Make It on April 4. "'Little P' purpose, on the other hand, focuses on the path or process ... We can't always choose the outcome, but we can choose what activities to fill our lives with," he continued. "Unlike big audacious goals that take years or even decades to achieve, the small, more personal types of purpose are ongoing projects that are enjoyable regardless of the results. It's a win no matter what."
CNBC
05-07-2025
- Health
- CNBC
Happiness researcher shares his '90-second rule' to live a better, more fulfilled life—it helps when you're angry or upset
Mo Gawdat's son, Ali, was 21 years old when he died due to medical negligence during a routine appendix surgery in 2014. Gawdat was devastated, confused and in a palpable state of shock. Then, 17 days later, he started writing a book on how to be happy, in his son's honor. Gawdat has researched the science of happiness for over 20 years from a logical and philosophical prospective, using flow charts and formulas to get to the root of unhappiness. A while back, he learned a habit that can almost instantly help you find joy and fulfillment. It's called the 90-second rule, Gawdat told the "High Performance" podcast on June 17. When something angering or nerve-wracking happens in your life, give yourself a minute and 30 seconds to feel upset. Then, choose to focus on other things. The habit is based on insight Gawdat learned from Harvard-trained neuroscientist Jill Bolte Taylor, who found that it takes only 90 seconds for stress and anger hormones, like cortisol and adrenaline, to be flushed out of the body. "But then what happens is, you run the thought in your head again, and you renew your 90 seconds," said Gawdat, who served as chief business officer at Google X, the company's innovation lab, from 2015 to 2018. "You run it again, unconsciously, and you renew your 90 seconds. While in reality, what you get after those 90 seconds is a buffer ... [which] allows you to say, 'Now, what am I going to do?'" Getting cut off while driving, for example, can be really agitating. You might yell or curse from behind the wheel, or even roll your window down to give the other driver a piece of your mind. But ruminating on the situation, telling everyone what happened when you get to the office, won't change it. So, what if you took a deep breath, turned your favorite song on, and sang along instead? To recover more quickly from life's upsets, Gawdat asks himself three questions, he said: "Ninety percent of the things that make us unhappy are not even true. Like your [partner] says something hurtful ... your brain is telling you [they] don't love you anymore," said Gawdat "That isn't true." If your answer to question No. 1 is "no," drop it. If it's "yes," move on to question No. 2 and do the same thing over again. If there's something you can do about it, do it, he said. If not, go into "committed acceptance" – meaning, acknowledge what's happened and accept it as your new normal. Building new habits can be difficult, especially when you're feeling emotional. In a 2009 study, psychology researcher Phillippa Lally found that it can take anywhere between 18 to 254 days to form a habit, depending on the person and their circumstances. But being cognizant of how you respond to tough moments in life is the first step to being happier and more fulfilled, says Gawdat. "Life doesn't give a s--- about you," Gawdat told Simon Sinek's "A Bit of Optimism" podcast on June 24. It puts you in good and bad situations, and lets you figure out the rest. "It's your choice, how you react to every one of them ... It's your choice to set your expectations realistically."
CNBC
30-04-2025
- Business
- CNBC
Stop avoiding change because it's 'uncomfortable,' says Melinda French Gates—her tactic for being resilient in tough moments
Billionaire philanthropist and investor Melinda French Gates is no stranger to major life changes and uncomfortable transitions. "I've gone through a tremendous amount of transition," she said on an April 15 episode of Simon Sinek's "A Bit of Optimism" podcast. "I left a marriage. I left the foundation. I've struck out on my own in philanthropy ... There's so much to learn in [any] transition, and so much growth that can happen." To get through those tough moments, French Gates did something simple, she said: She surrounded herself with people who she could trust. Their outside perspective — whether it related to her divorce from Microsoft co-founder Bill Gates in 2021, leaving the nonprofit Gates Foundation in June 2024 or any other big transition — helped her get out of her own head, and make smarter decisions amid the turmoil, she added. "I surrounded myself with people who know how to hold space for me to be uncomfortable," said French Gates, who now runs investment and philanthropy organization Pivotal Ventures. "I surrounded myself with good friends who reminded me, 'We don't know where you're going, but you will be OK.'" When French Gates first considered ending her marriage, her three closest friends were the first to know, and they immediately offered support, she told Oprah Winfrey and Gayle King in a July 24 episode of French Gates' "Moments That Make Us" YouTube series. "They are my truth counsel. Whenever I'm going to make a really hard decision or make a big transition, I know I have to have the courage to tell them," French Gates said, adding that she wouldn't have made it through her divorce without them. "You actually need a friend who will tell you the truth, even when you don't want to hear it." Uncomfortable truths can be valuable, French Gates noted. Give yourself time to "sit in that uncomfortable space" and think about your options, so you can make healthy long-term decisions without doing something you might later regret, she recommended. If you know you want to leave your employer, for example, you might want to immediately submit job applications to other companies. Without taking the time to consider what the "right" job for you looks like, you could end up accidentally chasing another unfulfilling circumstances require you to reflect for longer than others. French Gates lets herself "go through those cycles of grief, anger, denial, and you go through them multiple times," she said. "You don't just go through them and [say], 'Oh. Done. Cleaned up with that' ... That would be lovely, but you don't." The skill of sitting with your emotions, instead of burying or avoiding them, is what Yale lecturer and psychologist Emma Seppälä calls "emotional sovereignty." It's a "critical skill" that people with high emotional intelligence use to make better decisions and stay mentally resilient, Seppälä wrote for CNBC Make It in April 2024. "Notice how fast children get over emotions. The tantrum happens; they scream at the top of their lungs. They cry 100%. Two minutes later they're done. Sovereign once again," she wrote. "They feel their feelings and let the emotions flow through them. As the saying goes, 'feel it to heal it.'" The next time you're facing a tough, uncomfortable situation, practice "patience, acceptance and self-compassion," Seppälä recommended. "Let the emotions wash over you like a wave that comes, keeps you underwater for a bit, but eventually passes so you can resurface and take a breath of fresh air." After a while, you may become less weary about uncomfortable transitions altogether. "You find yourself on the other side far more resilient," French Gates said. "At least in my case, I'm way less afraid of change now. I'm much more like, 'Bring it on.'"
