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Asking Eric: I don't want smoking in or near my home

Asking Eric: I don't want smoking in or near my home

Chicago Tribune26-05-2025
Dear Eric: I am a married man in my 60s and a recovering alcoholic. I have been sober for eight months. Prior to rehab I put my wonderful wife through hell for years. Not physically, but emotionally with my constant drunkenness. I am now in a great place, feeling and looking as good as ever, engaged and productive. Unfortunately, my wife is stuck in a funk. She is happy for me, but it hasn't resulted in her own happiness. I have suggested therapy and Al-Anon and she agrees but doesn't act on it. I am encouraging her but I am also on eggshells because I caused the problem in the first place and don't want to push too hard. What to do?
– Husband on Eggshells
Dear Husband: There's a saying that some people in recovery communities use: time takes time. Just as it took the time it's taken for you to find sobriety, and the changes sobriety has brought about in your life, it will take time for your wife to adjust to this new world.
Your suggestions of Al-Anon and therapy are good ones, but they have to be her choice. Even though you're changing for the better, there's probably a lot of old trauma that's coming up for your wife right now and maybe that's making it hard for her to find a path to happiness. The best thing that you can do right now is to continue to work on your sobriety and continue to have open, non-prodding conversations with her about what's going on with you, with her and what happened in the past. Let her feel her feelings and acknowledge them. If she wants to talk, listen without making suggestions. Also, remember that right now you may not be the person with whom she can discuss this journey.
Transformation didn't happen overnight for you, and it won't happen overnight for her. In short, give her time.
Dear Eric: My partner and I have been invited to a couple of get-togethers with some folks, and they've asked us to host the next one. That's fine with us, except we live in an area where wildfires are a regular concern, and one of them is married to a smoker.
I don't want to be a bad host, but I don't want the smoking. Blame it on my probably irrational fear that they could start a major blaze, and honestly, the fact that I just don't want them smoking in my yard, around my child, by me. What can I do to make sure they aren't smoking here?
Is this even an acceptable request? Do I place blame on some crazy insurance company requirement? What can I do?
– Burning Questions, Not Hillsides
Dear Hillsides: Unless your friends are Don and Betty Draper of 'Mad Men,' they shouldn't mind a no smoking request. Know that it's absolutely within your right to let folks know in advance that you have a smoke-free house and that includes the yard. You can cite the very real risk of wildfires and also the danger of secondhand smoke around your child, even outside. But also, it's your home and your yard. People who smoke understand that even outside there are places where smoking doesn't fly. Enjoy your get-together!
Dear Eric: I'm an avid gardener in a suburban neighborhood, and in turn, I meet lots of neighbors. There's one lady who keeps stopping by with questions for her yard, which I'm happy to share. However, she asked if I would go with her to the local nursery to help her select ones for her garden bed, to which I agreed. She canceled at the last minute both times via text. No apologies were given.
Since then, she's knocked on my door and continues to text me with questions, without a please or thank you. Her last text said she was able to pick up the plants on a specific day but wasn't feeling well enough to plant them (hint hint).
All this after I've told her no that doesn't work for me.
My husband suggested quoting her my rate for services; however, I have no desire to communicate on any level with her. Is it rude to block her and ignore her?
– Garden Plot
Dear Garden: Yeah, it's a little rude. Sometimes blocking is the only recourse, though. Before you do that, though, have you tried telling her directly that you can't be her garden go-to anymore because of the cancellations and the lack of appreciation? That may be opening up a can of worms, and not the kind that are good for soil aeration. But if you block her without a conversation, it's not like she doesn't know where you live. Probably best to say, 'enough is enough' and let nature run its course.
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Asking Eric: Live-in boyfriend doesn't pay his own way
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Chicago Tribune

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Asking Eric: Live-in boyfriend doesn't pay his own way

Dear Eric: My daughter has a 'live-in boyfriend' who, since he moved in, thinks he is the king of the household. He is very disrespectful to me, her dad and her stepmom. I tolerated the stuff he said about her dad, and I tolerated him skipping paying my daughter his share of the mortgage for a few months. But when it got so she almost lost her house, I was very upset to say the least. I said he was like a tenant and needed to help her out, which was the deal when he moved in. He read my text to her and he became enraged. He called me delusional, argumentative, a dictator and dramatic. He also said my grandkids didn't want to be around me. I sent his texts to my daughter and I said I need an apology from him. I never got it, and I said I never want to be around him. She told me I should talk to him first. I said he claims that he loves you and he should apologize to me and should respect me. Am I wrong? – Disrespected Mom Dear Mom: You're not wrong at all. This man seems like a nightmare. It's also possible that he is emotionally abusing your daughter, in addition to shirking his financial responsibilities. By trying to drive a wedge between you and your daughter, and you and your grandkids, he's doing something called isolation, which is one of the hallmarks of emotional abuse. Talk seriously, in person and privately, with your daughter about the concerns you have. Try to shift the focus from the apology you're owed. Instead, point out the unhealthy ways that her boyfriend is behaving – controlling behavior, anger and lashing out, isolating her and her kids, and monitoring her communication. These are all dangerous. But there are resources available to your daughter. A strong family and friend support system is key, so keep in contact. You can also refer her to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-SAFE or Offer to let her use your phone, if she's wary of him seeing who she's calling. Even if she doesn't share your concerns, encourage her to just have a conversation with someone else about it. These behaviors may seem like personality quirks to her, but they're not and they need to be addressed – potentially by removing him from the home – before they escalate. Dear Eric: I met a person with similar interests through her parents. We had so much fun together in the beginning. Because she is an academic, she has no money. She lives with her parents in a retirement community. She is trying to get another educational opportunity that includes a small stipend and free room and board. She refuses to get a job to help her situation. Before I realized what was happening, I paid for all the dinners and drinks. I also paid for a group trip abroad for both of us. While there, she roomed with me, but I barely saw her. She missed tour days because she stayed out until 3 a.m. and spent the next day in bed. She bought things she wanted for herself but never even paid for a cup of coffee for me. I finally woke up and saw how this friendship was going. I have been overwhelmed with family deaths and my husband and I working on big projects around the house. She texts me and wants to do things and states that she hates living with her parents. I feel used and barely text back any longer. I feel a little bad about blowing her off, but I am tired of feeling taken advantage of. Suggestions on how to deal with this situation? I feel guilty but angry at the same time. Do I continue avoiding her until she finally leaves? – Reluctant Friend Dear Friend: Avoidance is just going to prolong an uncomfortable situation. Better to address this head-on and see if there's a path forward. You two have different attitudes about money. Hers comes across as immature, if I'm being my most generous, predatory if I'm being less so. But you've offered her so much generosity already, what's the harm in extending a little more for a moment? She's not earning money right now and her room and board are paid for, plus her new friend very graciously offered to cover drinks, meals and trips. It's perfectly reasonable to expect a person to feel and show gratitude for these things, but I can also see how that could be a growing edge for her. Friendships can help us mature, especially when there's a little conflict. So, tell her why the friendship isn't working for you right now and see if she's capable of showing up for you in a different way.

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