How to talk to kids about safety at childcare and spot possible signs of abuse
If you're a parent or a carer with a child who attends an early education centre, you might be wondering what the best ways are to talk to your kids about body safety, boundaries and consent.
So, here is some practical advice to help you start these discussions — and what to do if something doesn't seem right.
It's important to talk to your children about their safety, no matter their age.
Experts say having ongoing conversations can help children understand when something doesn't feel right, how to respond to unsafe situations, and how to tell a trusted adult.
Child protection organisation Bravehearts says parents and guardians should prioritise teaching these three core tenants to children:
"One of the reasons that children and young people fail to disclose harm is because they are afraid of getting into trouble," Bravehearts chief executive Alison Geale said on the third point.
"This rule helps to encourage them to speak to a trusted adult, even if something seems scary or terrible."
Bravehearts advises teaching your child the correct language for talking about their body and emphasising that their "private parts" belong only to them.
Associate Professor Divna Haslam, who is an expert in parenting and early child adversity, says parents should look for teachable moments in the everyday.
"Maybe develop a family rule about how you don't touch each other's private parts and incorporate that into daily life," Dr Haslam said.
"So, if siblings are touching each other on the bottom trying to be funny, that's an opportunity for parents to reiterate that's your private part and nobody should be touching that.
"This means children are kind of consistently getting the message, rather than it being a big, scary one-off conversation."
When children get older, Dr Haslam recommends asking your kids how their day went, did anybody break any of the family rules and did anything happen that you felt uncomfortable with.
Bravehearts recommends using a neutral, natural tone and ensuring you allow time for your child to process the information and ask questions.
Former child abuse detective and child safety educator Kristi McVee provides similar advice through CAPE-AU.
She recommends you assure your child they can always talk to you if something happens that makes them feel uncomfortable, and that you will always listen to and believe them.
Dr Haslam also recommends teaching your kids to use proper anatomical terms for body parts, so they have the language to disclose if something happens, rather than saying "they touched me somewhere I didn't like".
Bravehearts offers free resources to help parents teach their children about personal safety on its website.
Dr Haslam said parents who are concerned about their child's safety should start by removing them from the environment.
If possible, she recommends talking to your child about whether something has happened.
Ms McVee has created a template to get the conversation going if you're unsure of how to go about checking in with your child about their safety:
"Hey, I just want you to know… if anything ever happens or anyone ever makes you feel uncomfortable, scared, or confused, you can always talk to me and tell me. I promise that I will always listen and believe you. Doesn't matter what it is or who it is about. My job is to love and protect you, always"
Or
"Hey, you know how we talk about body safety sometimes? Something happened the other day that made me realise that I hadn't checked in with you lately. Has anyone ever said or done something that made you feel weird or unsure or even done something that made you feel unsafe? You can tell me anything, and I won't be mad or upset with you. I'm always here to listen and help you."
If they say, "I don't know" or "I can't remember", that's okay.
Don't pressure them for responses. Take a break and let them know that they can talk to you anytime.
Ms McVee says if your child does tell you about abuse they have experienced, it's important not to panic or overwhelm them with questions.
Instead, she suggests responding with something along these lines:
"Thank you for telling me. Is there anything you need from me right now to help you feel safe?"
"You did nothing wrong and it's not your fault."
'I'm really proud of you for saying that out loud. You are so brave.'
'Thank you for trusting me with that, I know it isn't easy to share.'
Ms McVee says to avoid asking your child why they didn't tell you, because it risks fuelling shame.
She says it's also important not to promise to keep secrets and instead promise your child safety.
You can also speak to educators at your childcare centre or seek medical attention.
"A medical practitioner can check if there are physical signs of maltreatment or sexual abuse," Dr Haslam said.
She stressed that if something feels off, parents shouldn't hesitate to speak up.
"I would encourage parents to report things, even if they aren't 100 per cent sure that something's happened, because that helps police and investigators to figure out patterns of behaviour among particular centres."
Because many children don't speak up when they've been sexually abused, or can be pre-verbal, Dr Haslam said it's important for parents to watch for behavioural or emotional changes.
"It's very difficult in young children that are not verbal yet, but they might show things like difficulty sleeping, or irritability or being more difficult," she said.
"With older children, you might start to see more behaviour problems, so they might start to act out a little bit more.
"They might start to say, 'I don't want to go to daycare', or being scared of particular educators, or start wetting the bed again.
"With even older children, you might see things like school refusal, or you might see children kind of withdrawing from the social things that they normally wanted to do."
Dr Haslam said these behavioural changes can often be caused by other things going on in your child's life, and doesn't necessarily mean they are experiencing abuse.
"But the key thing is being alert, rather than alarmed," she said.
Here are signs Bravehearts recommends looking out for:
And the physical signs could be:
Dr Haslam says there are a few things you can look out for when choosing a childcare centre.
Those includes whether, and where, the building has CCTV cameras and the centre's floor plan.
"Do they have an open plan where perpetrators can't find a space to be alone with a child?" Dr Haslam said.
"They can also be looking for things like whether they have a high turnover of staff.
"What are the ratios like at sleep and nappy change times that could give perpetrators a chance to be alone with children?"
For more information, head to this ABC story for some more practical advice to help you feel confident in your childcare provider.
According to Bravehearts, here are the top questions you can ask your childcare centre:
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