logo
Ashley Roberts: how life in the Pussycat Dolls almost broke me

Ashley Roberts: how life in the Pussycat Dolls almost broke me

Times21 hours ago
Scattered across Ashley Roberts's body are a series of intricate, finely drawn tattoos. Dandelion seeds run up one arm, as if blown there by the breeze. But nowhere among them can I see the symbol of the Pussycat Dolls — a heart with 'PCD' inside. Being a member of the group defined Roberts's life for a decade. They came to be considered one of the world's most successful girl bands, but by the end left her in pieces.
Led by frontwoman and main singer Nicole Scherzinger, the Dolls conquered the world between 2001 and 2010. They sold 40 million singles and 15 million albums. Their stage act, depending on your perspective, epitomised booty-shaking female empowerment or the oversexualisation of women through explicit dance routines and lyrics. When the group reunited for a performance on The X Factor: Celebrity in 2019, in the lead-up to an announced 36-date comeback world tour in 2020 (it never materialised due to Covid), there were complaints to Ofcom.
The Dolls danced and writhed on stage as if they'd never left it, Roberts in leather hotpants with a bare bottom. 'We wanted to come back with a bang,' she says. 'We knew we represented being sassy and being 'out there' but, I mean, my little butt cheeks… Oh my gosh.' She was 37 by then, but she danced as if she were still the 19-year-old who had left Phoenix, Arizona, for Los Angeles. She had begun dancing at three, singing at eight. Her father, Pat Roberts, was in the world of rock'n'roll as a percussionist in the Mamas & the Papas. She had seen Janet Jackson on stage with her mother, Peggy Lorraine, and thought, 'I want to do that.'
Today Roberts, at 43, looks relaxed, happy and wholesome. She is wearing a cute lilac shorts and crop-top gym set. Her skin is lightly tanned, her hair highlighted. She is now a breakfast presenter on Heart radio, with Amanda Holden and Jamie Theakston, and she has her own Noughties show on Saturdays. We are meeting because Roberts has written a book, Breathwork: Techniques for Better Mental, Emotional and Physical Health, which seems to have taken her by surprise. It is about the power of learning how to breathe properly and how to self-soothe. She's aware of how woo-woo it sounds, voicing what most of us think: 'Who the hell has time to stop and do breathing exercises?' Apparently, 45 per cent of us — and about 67 per cent of men — would prefer to give themselves an electric shock than sit for 15 minutes a day quietly with their own thoughts. 'I get it,' she says.
But there can be no better example than Roberts of a life transformed by its practice. Interwoven with the exercises is the story of what happened to Roberts before, during and after becoming a Pussycat Doll. She has had — until discovering breathwork — an almost lifelong dependence on the benzodiazepine Xanax. It started during high school but even as a small child she self-soothed with NyQuil (like Night Nurse in the UK), before moving on to the antidepressant Lexapro, then finding Xanax.
'I was so young and I didn't have the knowledge I have now. I think A led to B led to C. Xanax is addictive. For me, for decades I was just leaning on what I could get to help me crash out. My brain just wouldn't shut off and my anxiety was too intense. It was, 'I want to sleep; I need to sleep,' and I was willing to take whatever would help me.'
Cut to life as a global pop star, which began when she joined the Pussycat Dolls in 2003 when she was 22. She was discovered in LA, as a dancer, by the group's founder, Robin Antin. By 2005, their album PCD was multiplatinum, with global hits such as Don't Cha and Buttons selling many millions.
'I remember being on stage in New York with the crowd singing back the lyrics and thinking, 'Oh, this is really happening.' It was a fast, extreme rocket ship. There were no discussions around, 'How is your mental health?' It was a different era. Now, artists are coming forward to talk about their struggles and concerts are rejigged. I remember once we were in three countries in one day. Eventually, my body just got to the point of shutdown. I was really, really sick.'
Roberts's account — which, incidentally, she tells apportioning no specific blame to the male-dominated music industry — is nonetheless a revealing insight. You can't help but be struck by how hard the band worked.
The breaking point came almost five years after that platinum album. The toll on her body was too much: a reliance on Xanax; years of bad eating; bad sleeping; intense adrenaline with nowhere for it to go after a show; a life on the road with no home comforts as well as managing what is now openly acknowledged to have been the band's complex dynamic, with Scherzinger, as the main singer, wielding more power than the rest.
Eventually, Roberts was admitted to hospital. The Pussycat Dolls were in London. Even at this point, she remembers worrying only about her place in the band. She initially resisted medical advice to have an emergency MRI — thinking, there's no time — but it was suspected that she'd had a brain aneurysm. It was, in fact, extreme stress, exhaustion and burnout.
'I remember saying [in the hospital], 'I need to get on a flight to Germany. I've got a show to do. You gotta give me something.' That was the mentality. I was having extreme headaches, being sick. They found viral arthritis in my knee. I couldn't do anything really. But that was my drive. And then when I finally got out of the Dolls [in 2010], I had eczema all over my legs, shingles across my face and a stomach ulcer. An acupuncturist told me then, 'If you don't scream, your body's gonna scream for you.' It was a manifestation of 'go, go, go' for years or 'grind, grind, grind', an accumulation of being on the road at a time when nobody really spoke up about anything. There was also this feeling that we could be replaced in some way. But also there was my own drive, growing up as a dance competitor. So it was a combination of the two.'
In the book Roberts refers to 'trauma experiences'. Eight years after the Dolls disbanded, and after she had lost her father, Pat, to suicide following his own lifelong battle with mental illness, she resorted to eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing therapy, a type of psychotherapy used to heal trauma after distressing life events. She was not the only Doll who had therapy. How bad was it? Roberts is diplomatic, saying, 'There was just so much going on, so many different levels.' In explosive tweets, one former temporary band member — Kaya Jones — launched an attack on the treatment of the group by music execs and Antin, who refuted the charges.
Roberts's story echoes the trajectory of other talented young women in the music industry (Amy Winehouse being one) — women who pursue their dreams, who love what they do, but do so at risk to their wellbeing because of the 'system'. Britney Spears was an early supporter of the group and look what happened to her during her career. Stars such as Taylor Swift, Dua Lipa and Charli XCX have changed that and not a moment too soon.
In the book, Roberts is funny and self-deprecating. In person, now the picture of good health, she is similarly low-key and modest. I get the impression she genuinely wants other people to be able to calm themselves down without medication.
'It's probably a bit of having grown up, but I really feel like practising breathing has allowed me to understand how my body feels around certain people.
'My foundation is stronger. I'm not saying I'm some kind of guru, or that I've got a certificate saying I've got everything figured out. If anything, it's the opposite. But I do feel better.'
It got her off Xanax, it changed her relationship with herself — which was always the primary goal — and it changed her relationship with men. Her partners post-the Dolls were 'macho' men who made her feel safe on a surface level, but were essentially repeating unhealthy patterns. 'For whatever reason,' she writes, 'probably something to do with being so lost without my dance and what I went through with losing my dad, I got caught up in a series of relationships that weren't healthy. The one thread that ran through was that I was finding myself attracted to these ultra-masculine types who would then treat me in an unduly controlling way.
'It was traditional gender roles, a lot of possessiveness, and this very strange contradiction of feeling so safe with these big dudes who had the physical power to protect me, but at the same time not safe at all because of the way they spoke to me and treated me. It was more that I was on edge, constantly feeling guilty and worried I was about to do something wrong. There was a sense of surveillance and constant judgment.'
Two years ago she met her present partner, George Rollinson, an artist and tattooist. He is 25 to her 43. 'I was having my hot girl summer. I was 41, I was finally feeling fabulous, the best I've felt in my life, comfortable in my body, just being free and enjoying myself. In the beginning, we were just having fun and I was thinking. 'Well, this is not going to go anywhere because you're too young.' But then I thought, 'You are the most emotionally intelligent, most transparent, most kind guy. I feel like I'm in the healthiest relationship ever. I've finally got there, you know?'
Her early blueprint of male behaviour was her beloved father, but she says from an early age her nervous system was affected by his up and down moods. Some days he was a 'goofy big child'; at other times she worried about him surviving.
Her parents separated when she was 14. At 16, her brother, Jayce, was diagnosed with a severe mental illness after years of misdiagnosis. 'We didn't necessarily think anything of it until he got a bit older and things started to shift a lot.'
Jayce lives in a psychiatric institution in the US. 'When I visit my brother, I get a real awakening of the freedom we all have. I've sort of dedicated [the rest] of my life to making sure I live it, because my brother doesn't get to make that choice.'
Pat Roberts died in 2018. 'He couldn't take it any more. He'd had enough. I'd watched him struggle my whole life and it's something you think you are prepared for, that [suicide] could be a possibility, but you never really prepare yourself.'
Roberts had ruled out parenthood herself early on, even as a child. 'I was very clear that the cycle would end with me,' she says, referring to the Roberts family's apparent genetic predisposition to mental illness.
And now? 'There's still a huge part of me that doesn't want to take that risk [of passing on mental illness]. I love travelling and I love furry animals and I'd probably be really happy having five dogs running around and jumping on my face.'
There is something so joyful and optimistic about Ashley Roberts. Her social media is full of funny little skits. When the Dolls broke up for good she found a life coach, took acting lessons in LA, learnt improv and revisited cities and countries that she had only experienced via hotel rooms. She went to an ashram in California and dedicated a month of her life to doing something new (swimming with sharks, skydiving, riding a motorbike). In 2012 she appeared on I'm a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here! without really understanding what it was. 'Snakes and rats, that's not my vibe. But I was like, 'F*** it, I'll have stories to tell,' ' she explains. It turned out to be a great career move.
'It changed the trajectory of my life. I slept the best I've ever slept. To this day, I don't know why.'
The British public loved her and she made it to the final. There were also rumours that Dec, before his marriage to his former manager, was smitten with her. She would go on to have a spell on Ant & Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway (2013-6), the duo picking up that Roberts didn't remotely take herself seriously. 'They're great boys,' she says. 'Amazing humans. I loved working with them.'
The world of UK entertainment adopted her and, after a period of living partly in LA and London, she moved here full time. Strictly Come Dancing was mooted in 2017 but was delayed until 2018. Her father had intended to fly over to watch her, but missed seeing her dance.
'I felt like I could honour him,' Roberts says. She danced with her partner, Pasha Kovalev, on Remembrance Sunday weekend, and dedicated the routine to her father. The judges were reduced to tears. Even now, bereaved people come up to her in the street to thank her.
A year after Strictly, while working at Heart, she was also in the West End musical Waitress. So why would she even have contemplated embarking on a 36-date world tour in a band that had destroyed her health?
'I'm a woman now,' she says. 'I feel more connected to my body. I was like, 'I'm gonna enjoy this.' And I always loved the feeling of being on stage with an audience.'
Despite everything, there are no regrets. 'It all had to happen. It was outrageous, brilliant, exhausting, challenging, tough. It was everything.'
The tattoos prove it, from 'KA' — kick ass — on a finger to 'love and transformation' on her left foot. 'Now I'm in a space where I have the tools. I know I am not alone having difficult things to cope with. I just want to share what I've learnt. Maybe it will help other people.'
Breathwork: Techniques for Better Mental, Emotional and Physical Health by Ashley Roberts (Leap, £20) is published on July 17. To order a copy go to timesbookshop.co.uk or call 020 3176 2935. Free UK standard P&P on online orders over £25. Special discount available for Times+ members
Hair: Lewis Pallett at Eighteen Management using Authentic Beauty Concept. Make-up: Lan Nguyen-Grealis at Eighteen Management using Armani Beauty
Orange background

Try Our AI Features

Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:

Comments

No comments yet...

Related Articles

Coco Austin's latest 'micro thong' snaps leave fans stunned in her wildest post yet
Coco Austin's latest 'micro thong' snaps leave fans stunned in her wildest post yet

Daily Mail​

time36 minutes ago

  • Daily Mail​

Coco Austin's latest 'micro thong' snaps leave fans stunned in her wildest post yet

On Tuesday, Nicole 'Coco' Austin stunned her captive, combined 14.4M social media following by sharing gratuitous snaps of her famously curvaceous 'booty' which had been specifically 'requested' by fans. The 46-year-old buxom model left very little to the imagination posing in her star-spangled micro-thong bikini on the Fourth of July while poolside in what might have been Arizona as she had stopped by the spa AZ Body Bar in Gilbert on June 27. 'We asked for the back,' Instagram user @gilramz commented with excited emojis. 'We got the back.' Instagram user @peril_la_tigre jokingly wrote: 'The [1999 Sisqó] song says, "let me see your thong" - yours plain disappeared!' 'That booty has to be deemed one of the wonders of the world at this point,' Instagram user @d_bo_fresh marveled. 'Love ya @coco!' And Instagram user @ang6007 wanted a Kylie Jenner-style breakdown of Coco's secret: 'Seriously what are you doing? Fat transfers? No way your booty is getting bigger over 45. Mine has grown in gym and I know fat transfers help too. Keep it real sis.' Back in 2012, Austin appeared on the sydnicated talk show The Doctors where plastic surgeon Dr. Andrew Ordon performed an ultrasound to scan for butt implants, and he quickly declared: 'Coco's buttocks are 100% real.' However, in nineties-era modeling snaps the Tarzana-born, Albuquerque-raised bombshell Instastoried on Tuesday, her derrière appeared much smaller and more natural. Coco has clearly undergone the same suspicious hip and rear-boosting tactics as celebrities like Kim Kardashian and Kylie Jenner.

Lorenzo Lamas files for divorce from wife Kenna Nicole Lamas ... which marked his SIXTH marriage
Lorenzo Lamas files for divorce from wife Kenna Nicole Lamas ... which marked his SIXTH marriage

Daily Mail​

time44 minutes ago

  • Daily Mail​

Lorenzo Lamas files for divorce from wife Kenna Nicole Lamas ... which marked his SIXTH marriage

Actor Lorenzo Lamas has filed for divorce from wife Kenna Nicole on Tuesday, apparently bringing his sixth marriage to an end. The Santa Monica, California-born actor, 67, said in court documents reviewed by TMZ that he and Kenna Nicole had separated this past January 21. Lamas, who was previously married five times, said that 'irreconcilable differences' led to the split with Kenna Nicole. The actor said in court documents that he did not have any children with Kenna Nicole, therefore there is no need to allocate time toward dividing funds for child support or custody. Lamas said that he wanted the court to terminate the ability to give either party support. Daily Mail has reached out to reps for Lamas, and Kenna Nicole for comment via Instagram. Actor Lorenzo Lamas has filed for divorce from wife Kenna Nicole on Tuesday, apparently bringing his sixth marriage to an end The split comes less than two years after they wed in 2023. Pictured in LA in November of 2022 Lamas told the court that him and his estranged spouse initially got engaged in Las Vegas in February 2021. They tied the knot in October 2023, Lamas told the court. According to TMZ, it was not immediately clear if the former couple had hashed out a prenuptial agreement prior to their wedding nearly two years ago.

John Barrowman makes astonishing gay 'cover-up' claim against the BBC - and says corporation was full of homosexual men 'married to women': RICHARD EDEN'S DIARY
John Barrowman makes astonishing gay 'cover-up' claim against the BBC - and says corporation was full of homosexual men 'married to women': RICHARD EDEN'S DIARY

Daily Mail​

timean hour ago

  • Daily Mail​

John Barrowman makes astonishing gay 'cover-up' claim against the BBC - and says corporation was full of homosexual men 'married to women': RICHARD EDEN'S DIARY

Torchwood and Doctor Who star John Barrowman, who was 'blacklisted' over his on-set behaviour, claims there was a 'cover-up' culture at the . The Scottish-American actor, 58, was one of the original hosts of BBC children's programme Live & Kicking in the 1990s and says he was encouraged to hide his homosexuality.

DOWNLOAD THE APP

Get Started Now: Download the App

Ready to dive into a world of global content with local flavor? Download Daily8 app today from your preferred app store and start exploring.
app-storeplay-store