I was virgin before university but ended up sleeping with five different guys since… I feel disgusted
DEAR DEIDRE I was virgin before university but ended up sleeping with five different guys since… I feel disgusted
Click to share on X/Twitter (Opens in new window)
Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)
DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN I arrived at university less than a year ago I was a virgin, but now I've already slept with five different guys.
I used to have a boyfriend when I was living at home, but my parents are very strict and religious and frown on sex before marriage.
They rarely let me and my boyfriend out of their sight.
I'm an 18-year-old girl. When I applied for university my parents insisted I had to live in halls as they thought it would be safer than a house but they don't know the halls I'm in are mixed.
On my first night I went to the student bar and ended up drinking far too much and going back to one guy's room and having sex with him.
I felt guilty but managed to get over it. I had sex with him a few more times but he stressed it was just for fun.
Although I really liked him, I acted as if I was happy with that.
He would come to my room late at night and let himself in, then return to his room afterwards. I don't see him now as he has changed course.
I started seeing another student but he was controlling. He reminded me of my parents so I dumped him.
There was another one after him but we weren't compatible.
Then I've had a couple of one-night stands that haven't gone anywhere.
At the weekend I bumped into the first guy in a bar.
Dear Deidre on relationships, jealousy and envy
I told myself I wasn't going to have sex with him but we ended up in my bed.
I feel disgusted with my behaviour. I have gone from having no sex to doing it just for fun. I'm so confused.
DEIDRE SAYS: Casual sex risks both your emotional and sexual health but don't beat yourself up.
You grew up without being given a chance to develop a sense of responsibility to decide on healthy boundaries for your sexual behaviour.
You're giving off vibes that you're up for a casual fling, rather than spelling out what you really want.
No-strings sex is unlikely to lead to a relationship.
The good news is you can do something about this. Set your boundaries firmly.
Only have sex with men who are as open as you are to the possibility of it leading to a relationship.
Drinking too much alcohol is seriously affecting your judgment so keep your boozing in check.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
I'M FED UP OF MOVING HOME AS HE BUILDS HIS CAREER
DEAR DEIDRE: I AM sick of following my husband and his job around the country. Is it time for me to break free and move to another area?
My husband works in construction and he likes to be near his work. He's currently involved in building a huge estate a few miles from where we live as part of the Government's new housing plan.
It's been going on for three years, with shops and schools all in the mix, and my husband is part of different phases.
We are both 52 and I've had enough. The area we live in isn't great. Nobody goes out at night because it's not safe.
My husband loves his job and simply says it is paying the bills so I need to get on with it. I would love to develop my own career but because we move so often I can only offer cleaning or waitressing.
DEIDRE SAYS: If you don't have to work then it is easier to stay where one of you is working but is there no room for compromise?
Find a moment to talk to your husband about moving further away from his work to somewhere still accessible but a nicer environment to live in.
Could he use public transport or even car-share to the site to take some of the strain off a longer commute?
If you can't agree, then see tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1975) who will be able to help you find a compromise through couple's counselling.
MUM IS A MESS AND STARTING TO SMELL
DEAR DEIDRE: MY mother's house is absolutely filthy and I've come to realise that she doesn't keep herself clean either.
While my wife and I were renovating our really old property, we spent six weeks living with her, along with our two children.
My brothers and I have all lived with her at some stage, and the house is always messy. We've had discussions and jokes about having to clean up when we go.
This time it was worse. The house was piled up with old newspapers and things she had bought but never used.
Mum smells musty too and there are rooms you can't even enter because of everything that's piled up.
My dad died 15 years ago. I'm 31 and I have realised that things started to get bad when she was grieving him.
DEIDRE SAYS: When people start to let their personal hygiene slip, it is often a sign of depression.
You must talk to her. If she's feeling overwhelmed with the property, arrange a clean-up with your brothers.
Ask if she has spoken to her doctor about this or whether she would consider bereavement counselling.
Check out Cruse Bereavement Care (cruse.org.uk, 0808 808 1677).
You can find more advice through hoardinguk.org, which helps anyone affected by a hoarder or hoards themselves.
SHE THINKS ONCE A WEEK IS PLENTY
DEAR DEIDRE: IF I didn't initiate sex, my wife and I would be living like housemates. I'm fed up with always being the one to suggest it and feeling like a sexual predator.
I've no interest in cheating on her. I love her and she is my world, aside from my three kids who are pretty special, too.
We have busy lives with the children's activities, cooking and cleaning, but we both work at it. My wife is 41 and I'm 45.
We both have good jobs and sometimes work from home.
With our companies both relaxing the rules on being in the office, I thought it would be our opportunity to get physically intimate during the day sometimes when the kids were at school.
My wife sees it differently. She thinks sex once a week is enough, so if we've done it one evening, then I worry about asking her again.
She's always got the excuse that she is tired or the kids will hear if we do it at bed time.
I think we have lots of time when we are alone so why not take advantage and have sex three or four times a week? My wife doesn't agree.
DEIDRE SAYS: A good sex life is more about quality than quantity and a good relationship is making sure that you both compromise if there's something you don't agree on.
Rather than letting this fester, find a moment when you're not going to bed and ask if you can talk to her.
Explain that you feel unhappy with the way things are right now and ask what you can do so she commits to sometimes initiating sex.
Having a date night once a week, when there are no distractions like phones, can help. She might feel like sex afterwards.
'Diarising' intimacy often helps couples to make time to ensure that connection. My support pack Different Sex Drives will also help.
Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles
The Guardian
9 hours ago
- The Guardian
‘Astonishingly good value' – the best supermarket tofu, tasted and rated
This test helped me realise just how much I truly love tofu, even cold. Like all deceptively simple products, such as wine, coffee and chocolate, tofu's character is rooted in its terroir: the soil, biodiversity, climate, plant species and production process. Most tofu is made by curdling soy milk with nigari, a coagulant made from magnesium chloride, which is naturally derived from seawater. It's an ancient method still used across Japan and south-east Asia. The Guardian's journalism is independent. We will earn a commission if you buy something through an affiliate link. Learn more. To keep things fair, I tasted each tofu cold, straight from the packet, then boiled and fried (without pressing or seasoning) each one to observe its flavour, structure and performance. Boiling showed that all the tofus held their shape, while frying brought out major differences in colouring, crust and bite: some crisped up beautifully, others stayed soft and chewy, so if you mainly fry your tofu, that's worth bearing in mind. It's also worth noting that organic tofus are GMO-free by definition. 89p for 180g at Aldi (49p/100g)★★★★★ A small, beige block with rounded edges and a sweet, familiar soya aroma. It's a super-firm tofu with a dense, satisfying bite that holds up brilliantly to cooking, especially frying. Made with 57% EU-grown organic soya, it's very high in protein (14g a serving) and astonishingly good value. A real standout. £1.34 for 300g at Sainsbury's (45p/100g)★★★★☆ A great blank canvas with a subtle aroma and gentle, sweet taste. Firm but moist, and transformed by frying to a golden-crusted, deep flavour. Made from organic, non-EU soya (34%), it's high in protein and excellent value. Though a little lower in soya content, it delivers fantastic performance in the pan and at an incredible price. £2.90 for 396g at Ocado (73p/100g)£3 for 396g at Waitrose (76p/100g)★★★★★ Distinctively marbled and off-white/grey, this has a subtle aroma and a clean, complex flavour. Very firm and reacts well to frying, forming a satisfyingly thick crust. Made with 35.8% organic soya, using a mix of EU and non-EU beans, it's high in protein and has strong sustainability credentials. A well-rounded option that's a very close runner-up to the best overall. £2.30 for 280g at Sainsbury's (82p/100g)£2.30 for 280g at Tesco (82p/100g)★★★★☆ An irregularly marbled block with a deep umami, almost smoky aroma and a lovely firm bounce. One of the densest, less traditional tofus tested, with a chewy bite. When fried, it forms a good golden crust with loads of flavour. Made in Yorkshire using organic soya from EU and non-EU farms. Great Taste Award-winning, very high in protein (16.5g per 100g) and a bold, characterful choice. £2.50 for 300g at Ocado (83p/100g)★★★★☆ A uniform block with a sweet, subtle aroma, a soft bite and a gentle soya flavour. Holding its shape and forming a delicate, uniform golden crust when fried, this has one of the best textures in the whole test group. Made from organic, non-EU soya, it has 34% soya content and a respectable protein level. Strikes a solid balance between taste and texture. Sign up to The Filter Get the best shopping advice from the Filter team straight to your inbox. The Guardian's journalism is independent. We will earn a commission if you buy something through an affiliate link. after newsletter promotion £2 for 300g at Morrisons (67p/100g)£2.55 for 300g at Ocado (85p/100g)★★★★☆ A uniform block with a sweet, neutral aroma, a soft bite and a creamy mouthfeel. Flavourful and pleasantly sweet, it's perfectly crunchy and delicious when fried, with a consistent golden crust – perhaps the best overall for frying. Certified organic with non-EU soya, it's been handmade in Devon since 1984 and holds a Taste of the West Gold award. £1.95 for 399g at Tesco (49p/100g)★★★☆☆ A uniform, cream block with a sweet, clean smell and a gentle flavour. Its soft texture makes it satisfying to eat raw, though it doesn't crisp up easily when fried, hence the lower score (instead, it develops a chewy, caramelised edge with a spongy interior). Made from organic, non-EU soya (34%), it's a good source of protein and exceptional value for organic tofu. £1.95 for 300g at Waitrose (65p/100g)★★★☆☆ A gentle, savoury aroma and a soft bite with a slight sweetness. The texture is on the delicate side, especially when boiled, and it doesn't fry especially well (pressing first will help). Made with 34% organic, non-EU-grown soya, it's certified organic, but lacks firmness. Decent value, but there are more versatile options at a lower price point. £3 for 400g at Ocado (75p/100g)★★★☆☆ A white block with a soft bite, this has a sweet, subtle aroma and a clean soya taste. Despite being one of the softest in the test, it crisps up surprisingly well when fried, forming a light but satisfying crust. However, it's the only non-organic product tested, and made with just 16% soya – far lower than the others. Limited provenance or sustainability information, so with such strong competition, it offers less value for money. £5 for 500g at Ocado (£1/100g)£29.94 for 6 x 500g at Amazon (£1/100g)★★★☆☆ An irregular, mottled, off-white block that looks hand-shaped, and that's full of bubbles. One of the firmest to bite with a complex, soya-forward flavour. Fries very well, forming a great crust. Certified organic with non-EU soya, it's the only product tested with a fully reusable and recyclable container. Owned by Windmill Organics, a great company committed to organic farming, which earns it a bonus point.
Scottish Sun
a day ago
- Scottish Sun
Threesomes with my partner are on her terms as she refuses to let another woman join us… what should I do?
Sometimes, she gets so into the threesome with the other guy that I might as well not be there DEAR DEIDRE Threesomes with my partner are on her terms as she refuses to let another woman join us… what should I do? Click to share on X/Twitter (Opens in new window) Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window) DEAR DEIDRE: MY partner is happy to have threesomes with other men, but she refuses to let another woman join us for sex. It doesn't feel fair and it's making me very insecure. What should I do? We've been together for five years and are both in our early 30s. Our sex life fell into a rut last year. She was never in the mood and said it was because it had become boring. So we discussed ways of spicing things up. My partner suggested having threesomes, which I agreed to try. I found talking about it a turn-on but, if I'm honest, I wasn't overly keen on bringing other people into bed with us. I mainly said I'd go along with it because I didn't want to risk losing her. She told me there was nothing to worry about and that she would organise it. My girlfriend said she knew a couple of guys who'd be up for threesomes and invited them round on different nights. I genuinely did enjoy the experience the first few times. Seeing her in ecstasy with another man was exciting, although I didn't want him to touch me as I'm not bisexual. And after the other guy left, my partner and I had great sex. Dear Deidre on relationships, jealousy and envy But when I asked if we could start to invite women, too, she said, 'No way!'. She actually got annoyed that I'd asked. How is that fair? I've now started to worry she's using the threesomes as a way of having sex with other men with my permission, rather than as part of our relationship. Sometimes, she gets so into it with the other guy that I might as well not be there. I've realised I'm not happy about this situation any more but when I try to talk to her about it, she just says that I agreed, so it's too late to change my mind. What should I do? DEIDRE SAYS: You may have agreed but that was before you understood what these threesomes would actually be like. Regardless, when it comes to sex, you're entitled to change your mind or withdraw consent at any time. You're unhappy, insecure and questioning her motives, but your partner won't even discuss your request to invite another woman into your bedroom. This is all on her terms. I know you're scared to lose her but it's not healthy to go along with something you don't enjoy out of fear. My support pack, Thinking Of A Threesome, explains the pitfalls of this type of arrangement. Talk to her again. If she loves you, she'll understand, put a stop to the threesomes and try to find other ways to improve your sex life. There are ideas in my support pack, 50 Ways To Add Fun To Sex. Get in touch with Deidre Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. Send an email to deardeidre@ You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page. THANK YOU FOR... HELP BEING FIRM ON FELLA'S ILL HEALTH DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN my boyfriend refused to take his health issues seriously, I became tormented by memories of my late husband doing the same thing – and dying of a treatable cancer. My relationship with my new man was getting serious but I couldn't handle him neglecting his wellbeing. He is 43, I'm 45, and we had been together for a year when I wrote to you. Despite niggling symptoms, pain and tummy troubles, my partner refused to see his GP – so I blocked contact with him. He said it was ridiculous but I couldn't bear the thought of losing him, too. You didn't think I was overreacting, though. You understood why his behaviour was so triggering and told me that men are often loath to seek medical help. You advised me to read your support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, talk to him again and ask him gently but firmly to see his doctor. You also suggested I get counselling for my anxiety. Nothing changed and, after a lot of thought, I decided to end our relationship and friend-zone him. It wasn't just his health problems, but also his refusal to see how it was affecting us. Thank you for your advice. It helped me find clarity in a difficult situation. DEIDRE SAYS: I am pleased I helped you make the right decision for you. Hopefully, as a friend, and from an emotional distance, you can persuade your ex to see a doctor. TEENAGE TROUBLES DEAR DEIDRE: WHENEVER I bring myself to an orgasm, I can't stop crying. I'm a 19-year-old girl and I often pleasure myself in bed or in the shower. I really enjoy it and it feels amazing. But every time I reach climax, I find myself unable to stop sobbing. Once, my sister overheard me crying and knocked on my bedroom door to ask if I was OK. I don't understand why I burst into tears as I don't feel sad. Am I normal? DEIDRE SAYS: Try not to worry. You're perfectly normal and healthy. Orgasm is a physical release – and so is crying. Masturbation can be intense and overwhelming, especially when it's a new experience. It's likely that over time this will settle down. But if it doesn't, that's fine too. My support pack, Worried About Masturbation?, should help reassure you. SHE'S CUT ME OUT OF MY GRANDCHILDREN'S LIVES DEAR DEIDRE: IT'S my grandson's eighth birthday next week but I don't know if I should send him a present. My daughter won't let me see either of my grandchildren and I'm heartbroken. She's trying to poison them against me and cut me out of their lives. I'm a widow of 67 and my two grandchildren are precious to me. But my daughter, 40, has decided she doesn't want me around her son and daughter. She has a childless, older colleague and says she is more of a grandma to her children than I have ever been. They even call her 'Nanna'. I can't imagine how confusing this must be. I retired recently, but while I was working full-time – as well as caring for my late husband – it meant I wasn't around to help with the grandchildren much. Even so, I tried to see them when I could and I've always sent them gifts and cards. Now I have much more time to spare and I want to spend time with them. I've offered to pick them up from school, take them to museums and the cinema, and look after them overnight. But my daughter says it's too late, they don't need me, and she doesn't want me in their lives. I desperately want to send my grandson a birthday present but I'm worried how my daughter will react. DEIDRE SAYS: Losing contact with the grandchildren must be so tough on you. It's not fair on you or the kids for your daughter to keep you apart. Perhaps there's something deeper going on here, which she hasn't told you about. Try appealing to her again. Consider writing a letter, so you can get all your thoughts down without rowing. Ask her to give you another chance for the children's sake. Do send the gift. Even if she doesn't pass it on right now, you'll have done the right thing. In the meantime, you could contact a group that helps people in your situation.
The Sun
a day ago
- The Sun
Threesomes with my partner are on her terms as she refuses to let another woman join us… what should I do?
DEAR DEIDRE: MY partner is happy to have threesomes with other men, but she refuses to let another woman join us for sex. It doesn't feel fair and it's making me very insecure. What should I do? We've been together for five years and are both in our early 30s. Our sex life fell into a rut last year. She was never in the mood and said it was because it had become boring. So we discussed ways of spicing things up. My partner suggested having threesomes, which I agreed to try. I found talking about it a turn-on but, if I'm honest, I wasn't overly keen on bringing other people into bed with us. I mainly said I'd go along with it because I didn't want to risk losing her. She told me there was nothing to worry about and that she would organise it. My girlfriend said she knew a couple of guys who'd be up for threesomes and invited them round on different nights. I genuinely did enjoy the experience the first few times. Seeing her in ecstasy with another man was exciting, although I didn't want him to touch me as I'm not bisexual. And after the other guy left, my partner and I had great sex. But when I asked if we could start to invite women, too, she said, 'No way!'. She actually got annoyed that I'd asked. How is that fair? I've now started to worry she's using the threesomes as a way of having sex with other men with my permission, rather than as part of our relationship. Sometimes, she gets so into it with the other guy that I might as well not be there. I've realised I'm not happy about this situation any more but when I try to talk to her about it, she just says that I agreed, so it's too late to change my mind. What should I do? DEIDRE SAYS: You may have agreed but that was before you understood what these threesomes would actually be like. Regardless, when it comes to sex, you're entitled to change your mind or withdraw consent at any time. You're unhappy, insecure and questioning her motives, but your partner won't even discuss your request to invite another woman into your bedroom. This is all on her terms. I know you're scared to lose her but it's not healthy to go along with something you don't enjoy out of fear. My support pack, Thinking Of A Threesome, explains the pitfalls of this type of arrangement. Talk to her again. If she loves you, she'll understand, put a stop to the threesomes and try to find other ways to improve your sex life. There are ideas in my support pack, 50 Ways To Add Fun To Sex. THANK YOU FOR... HELP BEING FIRM ON FELLA'S ILL HEALTH My relationship with my new man was getting serious but I couldn't handle him neglecting his wellbeing. He is 43, I'm 45, and we had been together for a year when I wrote to you. Despite niggling symptoms, pain and tummy troubles, my partner refused to see his GP – so I blocked contact with him. He said it was ridiculous but I couldn't bear the thought of losing him, too. You didn't think I was overreacting, though. You understood why his behaviour was so triggering and told me that men are often loath to seek medical help. You advised me to read your support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, talk to him again and ask him gently but firmly to see his doctor. You also suggested I get counselling for my anxiety. Nothing changed and, after a lot of thought, I decided to end our relationship and friend-zone him. It wasn't just his health problems, but also his refusal to see how it was affecting us. Thank you for your advice. It helped me find clarity in a difficult situation. Hopefully, as a friend, and from an emotional distance, you can persuade your ex to see a doctor. TEENAGE TROUBLES DEAR DEIDRE: WHENEVER I bring myself to an orgasm, I can't stop crying. I'm a 19-year-old girl and I often pleasure myself in bed or in the shower. I really enjoy it and it feels amazing. But every time I reach climax, I find myself unable to stop sobbing. Once, my sister overheard me crying and knocked on my bedroom door to ask if I was OK. I don't understand why I burst into tears as I don't feel sad. Am I normal? DEIDRE SAYS: Try not to worry. You're perfectly normal and healthy. Orgasm is a physical release – and so is crying. Masturbation can be intense and overwhelming, especially when it's a new experience. It's likely that over time this will settle down. But if it doesn't, that's fine too. My support pack, Worried About Masturbation?, should help reassure you. SHE'S CUT ME OUT OF MY GRANDCHILDREN'S LIVES DEAR DEIDRE: IT'S my grandson's eighth birthday next week but I don't know if I should send him a present. My daughter won't let me see either of my grandchildren and I'm heartbroken. She's trying to poison them against me and cut me out of their lives. I'm a widow of 67 and my two grandchildren are precious to me. But my daughter, 40, has decided she doesn't want me around her son and daughter. She has a childless, older colleague and says she is more of a grandma to her children than I have ever been. They even call her 'Nanna'. I can't imagine how confusing this must be. I retired recently, but while I was working full-time – as well as caring for my late husband – it meant I wasn't around to help with the grandchildren much. Even so, I tried to see them when I could and I've always sent them gifts and cards. Now I have much more time to spare and I want to spend time with them. I've offered to pick them up from school, take them to museums and the cinema, and look after them overnight. But my daughter says it's too late, they don't need me, and she doesn't want me in their lives. I desperately want to send my grandson a birthday present but I'm worried how my daughter will react. DEIDRE SAYS: Losing contact with the grandchildren must be so tough on you. It's not fair on you or the kids for your daughter to keep you apart. Perhaps there's something deeper going on here, which she hasn't told you about. Try appealing to her again. Consider writing a letter, so you can get all your thoughts down without rowing. Ask her to give you another chance for the children's sake. Do send the gift. Even if she doesn't pass it on right now, you'll have done the right thing. In the meantime, you could contact a group that helps people in your situation. NO MONEY FOR MY KIDS DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN my father died, he left money in his will for all of his grandchildren – except for my kids. My sister was his favourite, and her children got tens of thousands each. I'm so upset about this, and don't know what to say to them. I'm a 58-year-old man and have two children, aged 32 and 29. My father was 89 when he died last year. He was fairly wealthy, so I assumed my children would each inherit a large sum. They both have young families and student debts, and could really do with financial help, which I can't provide. But when the will was read, I was horrified to discover he'd left my kids nothing at all. My dad and I had a difficult relationship, but reconciled towards the end and I didn't think he'd take it out on the next generation. Their cousins each have £25,000. My kids say they don't care but I know they're hurt – and I am fuming at the injustice. What should I do? DEIDRE SAYS: When wills are unfair, it can cause so much damage to family relationships. You're angry with your dad but you obviously can't tell him. You're also hurt about the way he treated you and your children too, but there's nowhere for this emotion to go. This is a type of grief known as disenfranchised grief. It would help to talk to someone about your feelings. See my support pack, Coping With Bereavement, for information on where to get help. Try not to make your children share your anger, or feel jealous of their cousins, so the cycle of resentment ends with you.
