Latest news with #DEIDRE
Scottish Sun
9 hours ago
- Scottish Sun
My gay lover is threatening to send snaps of us having sex to my fiancée if I end our affair… my world is imploding
One night I let him take pics of us in bed, which he promised he'd immediately delete DEAR DEIDRE My gay lover is threatening to send snaps of us having sex to my fiancée if I end our affair… my world is imploding DEAR DEIDRE: MY gay lover says he will send photos of us having sex to my fiancée if I insist on ending our affair. All of this turmoil has made me realise how much I love my fiancée and how I can't bear the thought of hurting her or losing her. I'm 34 and she is 32. How do I make my lover come to his senses? A couple of months ago, I went on a stag weekend with a group of mates. I ended up sharing a room with a friend from my university days. A lot of drinking took place and on the second morning I woke up in bed with him. Naked. I'm not gay or even bisexual. But when he awoke and started kissing me, I found myself responding and we had sex again. Sex with my fiancée has been rubbish lately, and it felt incredible to be passionate and physical with someone again. So, when we got home and he messaged to say he wanted to meet again, I couldn't help myself. Since then we've been having a secret, and increasingly risky but thrilling, affair. One night I let him take pictures of us in bed, which he promised he would immediately delete. But last weekend, my fiancée started talking about wanting a baby, and I came to my senses. Dear Deidre: Spotting the signs your partner is cheating I realised I had to end my affair or I'd lose her. I told my lover we needed to stop. I expected him to understand. Instead, he said he couldn't let me go and that if I didn't agree to continue our sex sessions, he'd send my partner the pictures. I don't know what to do. It feels like my life is about to implode. DEIDRE SAYS: He is blackmailing you and threatening to share nude photos without your consent. Those are crimes. You need to make it clear to him that you can and will go to the police. Please get advice from (0345 6000 459). If you have concerns about your sexuality, see my support pack, Bisexual Questions. It would be wise for you to have an STI check. Find your nearest sexual health clinic through As for your fiancée, if you love her you need to work on restoring intimacy so nothing like this can happen again. My support pack, Looking After Your Relationship, may help. Get in touch with Deidre Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. Send an email to deardeidre@ You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page. MY ABUSIVE STEPSON IS RUINING OUR MARRIAGE DEAR DEIDRE: CARING for my abusive stepson has ruined my marriage and my sex life. I'm just so drained and exhausted I struggle to be in the mood for intimacy. How can I rescue our relationship? I'm a 42-year-old man and last year married my girlfriend, who is 39. She has a son, 15, from a previous relationship. He clearly disliked me from the start five years ago. But since we got married he's been nasty and violent. After dealing with him, sex is the last thing on my mind. I have no energy. My wife feels rejected, and it's adding to the arguments we're having over her son. Even though we love each other, I sometimes think this marriage is too hard. What should I do? DEIDRE SAYS: Raising stepchildren is challenging, particularly teenagers. It sounds like your wife's son is angry about his parents' break-up and resentful of the fact you've moved in with his mum. He probably wants to come between you, so it's important you and your wife present a united front. Get parenting support from (0808 800 2222). Stress often affects libido. Talk to your wife about this so she understands, and try to get some time alone to reconnect. Couples counselling might also improve your relationship and sex life. See my support packs, How Counselling Can Help and Reviving A Man's Sex Drive. DUMPED OVER HIS CANNABIS PROBLEM DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend went out for a cigarette, but never returned. We had been arguing a lot over his drug use, but he denied he had a problem. I know we can't be together while he smokes so much weed, but I'm devastated. We're both in our late twenties and we were together for four years. He wasn't into drugs at the start of our relationship, but smoked more and more – until it was all he cared about. I told him he couldn't do drugs at home, so he went to smoke at his mates' homes for days on end. A few weeks ago we had a massive row and he said he was going out for a cigarette. That was the last I saw of him. His mum said he was staying at his friend's house. He didn't reply to my messages, so I texted him to say we were over. But I miss him and worry so much. DEIDRE SAYS: Drugs don't just destroy the user's life, they have a terrible impact on loved ones. But, sadly, you can't support your ex-boyfriend unless he wants to be helped. And you've tried. As much as you love him, you must look after yourself too. Talking to someone will help you to heal. Read my support pack, Drug Worries, and see which helps people affected by another person's addictions. Website also provides information and support. EX GUILT-TRIPS ME FOR DATING DEAR DEIDRE: IT'S been years since my marriage broke up, so why do I feel so guilty about dating someone new? I haven't done anything wrong, but my ex- husband is making me feel like I'm cheating on him. I'm 45 and was married for 16 years to a man I met at college. We split up four years ago. Our marriage gradually fell apart, mainly because my husband was moody and argumentative and often put me down. Eventually, I got tired of being miserable, realising I only had one life. We agreed to separate and eventually divorced. We have remained friends since, but I've often felt he's too reliant on me for emotional support. Recently, I decided it was time to start dating again. I didn't want to be single any more. I met a lovely guy online, who I have been seeing for a couple of months. He's kind, funny and great in bed. My ex used to make me feel fat and unattractive, but my new guy clearly loves my body. As things are getting serious, I told my ex I'd met someone. He's been really off with me ever since. He's acting like I've betrayed him, even though we're not together. How can I stop feeling bad and enjoy my new relationship? DEIDRE SAYS: Your ex-husband put you down so much it's damaged your self-esteem, that's why you're questioning yourself. But you have nothing to feel guilty about. You deserve happiness with someone who values you. The fact you still give him emotional support despite how he treated you shows what a caring person you are. He clearly doesn't want to lose that. But it's time to put yourself first. My support pack, Raising Self-Esteem, should help you to rebuild your confidence, and another one, Standing Up For Yourself, will help you make it clear to your ex that his guilt trip won't work.
Scottish Sun
a day ago
- General
- Scottish Sun
I was virgin before university but ended up sleeping with five different guys since… I feel disgusted
I have gone from having no sex to doing it just for fun - I'm so confused DEAR DEIDRE I was virgin before university but ended up sleeping with five different guys since… I feel disgusted Click to share on X/Twitter (Opens in new window) Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window) DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN I arrived at university less than a year ago I was a virgin, but now I've already slept with five different guys. I used to have a boyfriend when I was living at home, but my parents are very strict and religious and frown on sex before marriage. They rarely let me and my boyfriend out of their sight. I'm an 18-year-old girl. When I applied for university my parents insisted I had to live in halls as they thought it would be safer than a house but they don't know the halls I'm in are mixed. On my first night I went to the student bar and ended up drinking far too much and going back to one guy's room and having sex with him. I felt guilty but managed to get over it. I had sex with him a few more times but he stressed it was just for fun. Although I really liked him, I acted as if I was happy with that. He would come to my room late at night and let himself in, then return to his room afterwards. I don't see him now as he has changed course. I started seeing another student but he was controlling. He reminded me of my parents so I dumped him. There was another one after him but we weren't compatible. Then I've had a couple of one-night stands that haven't gone anywhere. At the weekend I bumped into the first guy in a bar. Dear Deidre on relationships, jealousy and envy I told myself I wasn't going to have sex with him but we ended up in my bed. I feel disgusted with my behaviour. I have gone from having no sex to doing it just for fun. I'm so confused. DEIDRE SAYS: Casual sex risks both your emotional and sexual health but don't beat yourself up. You grew up without being given a chance to develop a sense of responsibility to decide on healthy boundaries for your sexual behaviour. You're giving off vibes that you're up for a casual fling, rather than spelling out what you really want. No-strings sex is unlikely to lead to a relationship. The good news is you can do something about this. Set your boundaries firmly. Only have sex with men who are as open as you are to the possibility of it leading to a relationship. Drinking too much alcohol is seriously affecting your judgment so keep your boozing in check. Get in touch with Deidre Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. Send an email to deardeidre@ You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page. I'M FED UP OF MOVING HOME AS HE BUILDS HIS CAREER DEAR DEIDRE: I AM sick of following my husband and his job around the country. Is it time for me to break free and move to another area? My husband works in construction and he likes to be near his work. He's currently involved in building a huge estate a few miles from where we live as part of the Government's new housing plan. It's been going on for three years, with shops and schools all in the mix, and my husband is part of different phases. We are both 52 and I've had enough. The area we live in isn't great. Nobody goes out at night because it's not safe. My husband loves his job and simply says it is paying the bills so I need to get on with it. I would love to develop my own career but because we move so often I can only offer cleaning or waitressing. DEIDRE SAYS: If you don't have to work then it is easier to stay where one of you is working but is there no room for compromise? Find a moment to talk to your husband about moving further away from his work to somewhere still accessible but a nicer environment to live in. Could he use public transport or even car-share to the site to take some of the strain off a longer commute? If you can't agree, then see (020 7380 1975) who will be able to help you find a compromise through couple's counselling. MUM IS A MESS AND STARTING TO SMELL DEAR DEIDRE: MY mother's house is absolutely filthy and I've come to realise that she doesn't keep herself clean either. While my wife and I were renovating our really old property, we spent six weeks living with her, along with our two children. My brothers and I have all lived with her at some stage, and the house is always messy. We've had discussions and jokes about having to clean up when we go. This time it was worse. The house was piled up with old newspapers and things she had bought but never used. Mum smells musty too and there are rooms you can't even enter because of everything that's piled up. My dad died 15 years ago. I'm 31 and I have realised that things started to get bad when she was grieving him. DEIDRE SAYS: When people start to let their personal hygiene slip, it is often a sign of depression. You must talk to her. If she's feeling overwhelmed with the property, arrange a clean-up with your brothers. Ask if she has spoken to her doctor about this or whether she would consider bereavement counselling. Check out Cruse Bereavement Care ( 0808 808 1677). You can find more advice through which helps anyone affected by a hoarder or hoards themselves. SHE THINKS ONCE A WEEK IS PLENTY DEAR DEIDRE: IF I didn't initiate sex, my wife and I would be living like housemates. I'm fed up with always being the one to suggest it and feeling like a sexual predator. I've no interest in cheating on her. I love her and she is my world, aside from my three kids who are pretty special, too. We have busy lives with the children's activities, cooking and cleaning, but we both work at it. My wife is 41 and I'm 45. We both have good jobs and sometimes work from home. With our companies both relaxing the rules on being in the office, I thought it would be our opportunity to get physically intimate during the day sometimes when the kids were at school. My wife sees it differently. She thinks sex once a week is enough, so if we've done it one evening, then I worry about asking her again. She's always got the excuse that she is tired or the kids will hear if we do it at bed time. I think we have lots of time when we are alone so why not take advantage and have sex three or four times a week? My wife doesn't agree. DEIDRE SAYS: A good sex life is more about quality than quantity and a good relationship is making sure that you both compromise if there's something you don't agree on. Rather than letting this fester, find a moment when you're not going to bed and ask if you can talk to her. Explain that you feel unhappy with the way things are right now and ask what you can do so she commits to sometimes initiating sex. Having a date night once a week, when there are no distractions like phones, can help. She might feel like sex afterwards. 'Diarising' intimacy often helps couples to make time to ensure that connection. My support pack Different Sex Drives will also help.
The Sun
a day ago
- General
- The Sun
I was virgin before university but ended up sleeping with five different guys since… I feel disgusted
DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN I arrived at university less than a year ago I was a virgin, but now I've already slept with five different guys. I used to have a boyfriend when I was living at home, but my parents are very strict and religious and frown on sex before marriage. They rarely let me and my boyfriend out of their sight. I'm an 18-year-old girl. When I applied for university my parents insisted I had to live in halls as they thought it would be safer than a house but they don't know the halls I'm in are mixed. On my first night I went to the student bar and ended up drinking far too much and going back to one guy's room and having sex with him. I felt guilty but managed to get over it. I had sex with him a few more times but he stressed it was just for fun. Although I really liked him, I acted as if I was happy with that. He would come to my room late at night and let himself in, then return to his room afterwards. I don't see him now as he has changed course. I started seeing another student but he was controlling. He reminded me of my parents so I dumped him. There was another one after him but we weren't compatible. Then I've had a couple of one-night stands that haven't gone anywhere. At the weekend I bumped into the first guy in a bar. Dear Deidre on relationships, jealousy and envy I told myself I wasn't going to have sex with him but we ended up in my bed. I feel disgusted with my behaviour. I have gone from having no sex to doing it just for fun. I'm so confused. DEIDRE SAYS: Casual sex risks both your emotional and sexual health but don't beat yourself up. You grew up without being given a chance to develop a sense of responsibility to decide on healthy boundaries for your sexual behaviour. You're giving off vibes that you're up for a casual fling, rather than spelling out what you really want. No-strings sex is unlikely to lead to a relationship. The good news is you can do something about this. Set your boundaries firmly. Only have sex with men who are as open as you are to the possibility of it leading to a relationship. Drinking too much alcohol is seriously affecting your judgment so keep your boozing in check. I'M FED UP OF MOVING HOME AS HE BUILDS HIS CAREER DEAR DEIDRE: I AM sick of following my husband and his job around the country. Is it time for me to break free and move to another area? My husband works in construction and he likes to be near his work. He's currently involved in building a huge estate a few miles from where we live as part of the Government's new housing plan. It's been going on for three years, with shops and schools all in the mix, and my husband is part of different phases. We are both 52 and I've had enough. The area we live in isn't great. Nobody goes out at night because it's not safe. My husband loves his job and simply says it is paying the bills so I need to get on with it. I would love to develop my own career but because we move so often I can only offer cleaning or waitressing. DEIDRE SAYS: If you don't have to work then it is easier to stay where one of you is working but is there no room for compromise? Find a moment to talk to your husband about moving further away from his work to somewhere still accessible but a nicer environment to live in. Could he use public transport or even car-share to the site to take some of the strain off a longer commute? If you can't agree, then see (020 7380 1975) who will be able to help you find a compromise through couple's counselling. DEAR DEIDRE: MY mother's house is absolutely filthy and I've come to realise that she doesn't keep herself clean either. While my wife and I were renovating our really old property, we spent six weeks living with her, along with our two children. My brothers and I have all lived with her at some stage, and the house is always messy. We've had discussions and jokes about having to clean up when we go. This time it was worse. The house was piled up with old newspapers and things she had bought but never used. Mum smells musty too and there are rooms you can't even enter because of everything that's piled up. My dad died 15 years ago. I'm 31 and I have realised that things started to get bad when she was grieving him. DEIDRE SAYS: When people start to let their personal hygiene slip, it is often a sign of depression. You must talk to her. If she's feeling overwhelmed with the property, arrange a clean-up with your brothers. Ask if she has spoken to her doctor about this or whether she would consider bereavement counselling. Check out Cruse Bereavement Care ( 0808 808 1677). You can find more advice through which helps anyone affected by a hoarder or hoards themselves. SHE THINKS ONCE A WEEK IS PLENTY DEAR DEIDRE: IF I didn't initiate sex, my wife and I would be living like housemates. I'm fed up with always being the one to suggest it and feeling like a sexual predator. I've no interest in cheating on her. I love her and she is my world, aside from my three kids who are pretty special, too. We have busy lives with the children's activities, cooking and cleaning, but we both work at it. My wife is 41 and I'm 45. We both have good jobs and sometimes work from home. With our companies both relaxing the rules on being in the office, I thought it would be our opportunity to get physically intimate during the day sometimes when the kids were at school. My wife sees it differently. She thinks sex once a week is enough, so if we've done it one evening, then I worry about asking her again. She's always got the excuse that she is tired or the kids will hear if we do it at bed time. I think we have lots of time when we are alone so why not take advantage and have sex three or four times a week? My wife doesn't agree. DEIDRE SAYS: A good sex life is more about quality than quantity and a good relationship is making sure that you both compromise if there's something you don't agree on. Rather than letting this fester, find a moment when you're not going to bed and ask if you can talk to her. Explain that you feel unhappy with the way things are right now and ask what you can do so she commits to sometimes initiating sex. Having a date night once a week, when there are no distractions like phones, can help. She might feel like sex afterwards. 'Diarising' intimacy often helps couples to make time to ensure that connection. My support pack Different Sex Drives will also help.
Scottish Sun
3 days ago
- General
- Scottish Sun
I'm pregnant after affair with wealthy man but he won't take any responsibility… should I contact his mum?
He is from a wealthy background and I am certain he hasn't told anyone about this DEAR DEIDRE I'm pregnant after affair with wealthy man but he won't take any responsibility… should I contact his mum? Click to share on X/Twitter (Opens in new window) Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window) DEAR DEIDRE: A PASSIONATE but short-lived affair with a wealthy man has ended with me now expecting his baby. I am a 30-year-old single mum. I've been divorced for two years and have two beautiful daughters, aged seven and five. One night I was lonely at home after they had gone to bed and I set myself up on a dating app. It was quite encouraging to see the responses I got and it wasn't long before I had arranged to meet up with a guy. He was 37, single and very, very good-looking. He told me he was a financial adviser and he was clearly pretty well-off. We went to a bar for a few drinks and afterwards I went back to his penthouse flat. We used condoms but one night I noticed the condom was torn. Still, I thought it was safe and put any worries out of my head — until I missed my period. I was pregnant. When I messaged him, he told me he wanted nothing to do with the baby or me. I was so shocked at his tone and messaged back to tell him I'd booked a termination. Predictably he replied, telling me it was the right decision and to get rid. But before my appointment, my maternal instincts kicked in and I couldn't go ahead with an abortion. I told him I'd had a change of heart and cancelled the appointment. Since then I have sent him updates of my pregnancy including photos of ultrasound scans. Dear Deidre: Cheating and can you get over it It hasn't made any difference. He is adamant he doesn't want to be a father or take any responsibility. He is from a wealthy background and I am certain he hasn't told anyone about this. He is still on the dating app and acting as though nothing has happened. I know I can cope on my own and my daughters are excited at having another sibling. I am wondering whether I should contact his mum and tell her she is going to be a grandmother. Why should she miss out? Is this a good idea? DEIDRE SAYS: The decision to tell his family must lie with him. You can't know how his mum will react. He can't abandon you either. He has a legal obligation to pay towards his child's upkeep even if he doesn't want to be involved in their life. Take a look at He may also have a change of heart and want to become an involved dad once the baby is born. Get in touch with Deidre Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. Send an email to deardeidre@ You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page. HE WANTS ME AS I'M A VIRGIN DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER a perfect first date with a lovely guy, he has told me he only wants a casual, physical thing. I am not sure if this is such a bad idea. I am 18 and he is 20. We met through a mutual friend a couple of weeks ago. I was so excited when he asked me out on a date. We ended up going for a drink in town before heading off into our local park for an impromptu picnic. It was so romantic and I thought it was the beginning of something really special. We talked about anything and everything and had loads of things in common. Then he told me that he wasn't looking for a girlfriend. He just wants someone to hook up with occasionally and keep things casual. I am still a virgin. He said that because of that he likes me even more. He has promised to look after me and make our first time special but is it a good idea? DEIDRE SAYS: This guy is investing nothing in you emotionally. He doesn't want a girlfriend, he just wants sex and to be your first. He has also made that pretty plain. You owe him nothing, so only have sex when you are ready and when you are with the right guy. You could be setting yourself up to get very hurt and feeling used. Tell him being so casual just isn't your scene. My support pack Learning About Relationships explains more. SO REGRET FINISHING WITH HER DEAR DEIDRE: SPLITTING up with my girlfriend was the worst decision I ever made. I realised that I'd made a big mistake when she spotted me at a beer festival in town. I am 34 and she is 33. We split up just over a year ago after being together for three years. We just seemed to be drifting apart and things were stale – or so I thought at the time. It was my decision to end our relationship, and I know she was heartbroken when I told her how I felt. We have been able to stay friends and I see her out and about. She has a new guy now. She seems really happy with him whereas I have not been able to move on. She told me they have plans to go to New Zealand next year. It is a place I have also wanted to visit for many years. I know I made a terrible mistake in letting her go. DEIDRE SAYS: Please don't beat yourself up over this. You made a decision that felt right at the time. The chances are if you and she got back together you would soon feel the same way all over again. She has put you behind her and you have to get on with your life. My support pack Moving On will help you to do this. Start planning your own holiday now. It will give you something to look forward to. There are lots of single traveller websites if you don't want to travel alone. SPITEFUL EXES KEEPING KIDS AWAY FROM ME DEAR DEIDRE: MY daughter's mother says I can only see our girl for a few hours in the morning on my birthday, rather than having her stay with me overnight as originally planned. It means she will miss out on seeing my parents too as they were going to arrive in time for a celebration dinner. I'm 37 and my daughter's ten. I know my ex is doing it to punish me because I can't pay her this month. I also have a son by a different woman. He is almost 13 but I barely see him at all. His mother has virtually alienated him against me so all I get is an occasional text and a visit once in a blue moon. I am doing my best to provide for both of my kids, but I have recently changed jobs and won't get my first wages for another week, which is why I can't pay my daughter's mum her monthly maintenance until later. I know she will have twisted it and told my little girl that I don't care about her. It is all lies but this is what she is like, as we had a bad break-up. I'm in a bad way. I feel like everyone's against me. Sometimes I think it would just be the easier option for everyone if I ended it all. DEIDRE SAYS: This is heartbreaking for you and your children too. It is cruel of your exes to deny you contact. I wonder whether you gave your daughter's mum the heads-up that your money would be late this month. Tell her the cash will be coming soon. If she won't speak to you, is there someone such as a friend or relative who can mediate between you? If not, mediation could really help ( For more advice check out Both Parents Matter ( 0300 300 363). If you continue to feel down, call the Samaritans ( 116 123) and please do see your GP too.
The Irish Sun
4 days ago
- General
- The Irish Sun
I tearfully watched my controlling fiancé tear up all our wedding invitations after hen party kiss… can we reconnect?
DEAR DEIDRE: WITH tears blurring my eyes, I watched my fiancé tear up all our wedding invitations one by one. He'd blown up after my friend posted a photo from my hen night of me giving another man a peck on the lips. Advertisement There was nothing to it — just a silly dare — but apparently I had disrespected him. Even though my fiancé hadn't always been the best partner to me, I was still devastated when he said that we were over. I'm 26, he's 28. We'd been together for five years. In the beginning, he was a dream come true. I'd just split up from a toxic boyfriend and wasn't looking for anything serious but my fiancé-to-be wore me down with his thoughtfulness and generosity. He stalked my Instagram before our first date, and turned up with a huge bunch of my favourite flowers, and a box of my favourite perfume. Advertisement Within six months we were engaged. But from the moment I said yes, it felt like his behaviour changed. He didn't like my friends, and moaned if I went on girls' nights out. I often cancelled plans in favour of staying home with him. At first, those nights were cosy and romantic – he'd cook dinner or run me a bath with candles and rose petals. As I sank into the water, I'd pinch myself that I'd met someone so kind. But then he started using drugs, and unsavoury characters would come to our door at all hours, delivering his latest stash. I started having doubts, but was in too deep to get out. Advertisement Dear Deidre: Cheating and can you get over it It all came to a head at my hen party. We drank a lot and friends shared their misgivings. They thought he was controlling and manipulative. And as if to prove them right he started ringing my phone constantly, demanding that I came home. Annoyed, I turned off my phone and grabbed the closest bloke to fulfil my dare. My best mate must have posted the photo on purpose to split us up. I've moved back home with my mum but my fiancé still wants to meet and have sex, just in secret. He says there's a chance we'll reconnect, if we 'take things slow'. What do you think? Advertisement DEIDRE SAYS: Unless your fiancé can prove he's committed to changing – agreeing to counselling for example – you'll end up navigating exactly the same issues. Until he tackles his addiction and his jealousy, he'll never be a loving, supportive partner. I know you're upset by the sudden split, but give it a little time and you'll start to see it as a blessing. Read my support pack Mend Your Broken Heart. And please keep in touch – I offer ongoing support. Get in touch with Deidre Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. Send an email to You can also send a private message on the FANTASIES GET WILDER AS MY WIFE SHUNS SEX DEAR DEIDRE: AS my wife grew less interested in sex, my own desires got wilder. Now I'm keen to have a bisexual experience with a male sex worker. Advertisement My wife is the apple of my eye, but she had an operation a few years ago that put her into surgical menopause, making sex very painful for her. She tried to hide the discomfort from me at first, but I could see she was flinching. When she admitted it hurt, I obviously stopped all sex. She seems perfectly happy and content to live a celibate life, but I'm frustrated and now my secret fantasies are getting out of control. I'm 56, and my wife is 55. We've been together for 30 years. Advertisement My most passionate recurring fantasy focuses on having hot sex with another man, who turns up at my hotel room instead of the female escort I thought I had booked. He arrives at the hotel room in motorcycle leathers so I don't immediately spot he's a man. By the time he removes his helmet and I realise my mistake, I'm already too committed. How bad would it be for me to book an escort and turn this dream into a reality? I love my wife and never, ever want to hurt her. But I can't live the rest of my life without sex. DEIDRE SAYS: I understand your frustration. A celibate lifestyle wasn't your choice. Your wife may seem content, but have you spoken to her? This lack of sex means you both miss out on intimacy and affection, not just physical relief. Advertisement Your fantasy sounds erotic but it could bring your marriage crashing down. I'd suggest you start by having an open, honest chat with your wife. Explain how you're struggling with the lack of physical connection and how much you miss feeling close to her. See if she feels the same – she might not be as content as she seems. Read my support packs Love And The Mature Woman, and Menopause Explained, which go into detail about the reasons women over 50 can find sex uncomfortable, with practical suggestions you can try. Menopausal hormone changes can cause sex to feel painful, but topical oestrogen, vaginal moisturisers and Advertisement BRA CHOICE TOOK ME BY SURPRISE DEAR DEIDRE: I THOUGHT my husband liked my small boobs. But when I asked him to pick me a new bra recently, he came back with a padded monstrosity designed to make mountains out of molehills. We're in our fifties and have been married for 26 years – long enough for him to know I'm a functional, cotton, B-cup type. I expected him to buy a two-pack of basic bras from the supermarket. Instead, he took himself off to a lingerie shop and brought back a red lace plunging one, with a tiny, matching thong. I can't shake the mental image of him prowling around, gawping at all the models. He keeps asking me when I'm going to wear it. DEIDRE SAYS: If he's an otherwise loving husband, I wouldn't read too much into this. He may have thought he was treating you to something a little sexier. Many men lack confidence in underwear shops. If you really dislike it, explain why, and perhaps buy yourself a more indulgent set to your taste – to give yourself a confidence boost. FAMILY FORUM DEAR DEIDRE: PLEASE could you help me arrange fairer visitation rights? My current situation is upsetting me. My ex and I have three children, aged four, six and ten. Our divorce was finalised six months ago. There weren't any traumatic reasons for the split, we simply stopped getting along. The marital home was sold and my ex bought a new house, which is where our kids now live. When we first split up, I'd return to the family home regularly to see the children. Advertisement I'd take them out for the day, cook tea, or do bedtime. It was relaxing and cosy. My ex used to go out to see friends or family. Gradually, my contact has been whittled away. Now, my ex only lets me meet the children in public places – like a soft play centre – and she won't even tell me their new address. Apparently this is 'easier' for her. I understand she wouldn't want me hanging round the house with her there, but I feel like a criminal only seeing them in public places. I live in a shared house and there's no room for them to stay with me. But my ex won't even let me have the kids over for lunch. I'm being edged out of their lives. Advertisement DEIDRE SAYS: I can see why you're upset. The current arrangement isn't really fostering goodwill or healthy communication. Your ex may have drawn a line with you visiting her to try and establish this new chapter more easily. But good communication is key here. Could a relative or good friend provide a safe venue for you and your children? Read my support pack, When Parents Fall Out. It goes into the different ways children can suffer during a split. It would be great if you and your ex could read it together. Another positive step might be mediation. A trained mediator will help you both to sort out a fair contact schedule that puts the children's needs first. Advertisement You can get information through National Family Mediation ( AM I JUST HER 'TOY BOY'? DEAR DEIDRE: MY girlfriend is older than me, and very successful. We met eight years ago when I was 29 and she was 45. We've always had a good relationship, but somehow I feel more like a plaything than a partner. For example, her job paid way more than mine, so I quit to look after the housework. She even bought me an apron and often asks me to wear it with nothing underneath. I also overheard her on the phone, referring to me as her 'toy boy'. Now I don't feel like an equal. I feel like a joke. DEIDRE SAYS: I'm sure most of us have used a jokey term when talking about our partner to a friend. But this one touched a nerve. Talk to her and let her know you feel taken for granted and ridiculed. This might be a sign that you're unfulfilled being a stay-at-home partner. Why not explore getting back into work? A new job could help you rebuild your confidence, and to feel more like an equal inside your relationship.
