Women Reveal How "Nice Guys" Became Dangerous

Buzz Feed

4 days ago

We recently covered this Reddit thread where women spoke up about their horrible and often frightening experiences with self-proclaimed "nice guys." Women from the BuzzFeed Community then chimed in with their own deeply disturbing and infuriating "nice guy" encounters. Here's what they shared:
"I had a friend from work, and we would hang out and often book overtime together. I genuinely thought he was a friend until he asked me out. I politely declined, and he seemed to accept it, and we continued to hang out. One night while gaming at his, he borrowed my phone to order takeout as his phone had a low battery. Later, when I looked at my phone, I realized he'd gone into my private folder and sent dozens of my more 'intimate' photos to himself. He then tried to convince me I'd been hacked and then sent me a dick pic to try and show that he'd been hacked too. He finally admitted what he'd done. It made me physically sick. We are no longer friends."
"A coworker I was friends with started jokingly asking me out constantly in front of other coworkers and tried to make the date a prize for a bet. I wasn't interested, so I told him so. He made a huge deal about it. The next day, I started getting creepy calls from strange men on my cellphone. He had posted numerous Craigslist ads with my phone number, saying I was giving out free massages for 'practice' and that I would 'provide the candles and wine.' I told everyone at work that someone had posted my info and put me in danger, and I never spoke to him again."
"I was talking to a guy I met on an app. He'd been very sweet, but a little odd, in all our conversations. Our first date was planned, and he wanted to do a video call before. I'm so glad we did because the vibes were way off. I tried to be mostly honest and told him I didn't think we were compatible. He never responded to my message and removed me from Snapchat. Not 12 hours later, he messaged me on Instagram saying I ghosted him (I actually did the opposite), passive-aggressively thanked me for not wasting his time, and told me to 'have a nice life 👍.' Five hours after that (with no response from me), he messaged again saying, 'Don't think this gives you value,' 'You can go fuck yourself for rejecting me,' and 'People like you are why dating is so hard.' I kept all the screenshots because I thought his little tantrum was hilarious, but I dodged a major bullet."
"I went on a date with a 'nice guy' from Tinder. He said he was looking for the same thing I was (biggest lie in the book). We got lunch, and I wanted to get to know him as one does on a date. He just shut me down. Then we went and sat in a park and talked for a little, and that was it. Not a great date. But, I got home and later got a text asking if I wanted to sleep with him and his friend (another guy). When I said no because I wasn't that kind of person and didn't think this was going to go anywhere, I was called a prude, and a bunch of other lovely things were said to me. Not to mention, he still tries to contact me occasionally to this day."
"I hooked up with this guy in college after a fun night out, and we started texting. I added him on Facebook a few days later. He texted me, thanking me for the friend request. This was 2010, so I grabbed my computer to check out his profile. Two things stood out: the 'in a relationship' relationship status (with the girlfriend tagged, whose public profile pic included him in the picture, his did not) and his bio, which said, 'People say I'm a nice guy.'"
"I used to say hi in passing to a guy in my dorm. He seemed nice enough and seemed to get along with others in our dorm. I also had a serious boyfriend. My college was in a small town in the countryside. I had realized my room wasn't how I left it more than a few times and complained to security, but it was little things, and they blew me off. Maybe I misremembered? One day, I discovered he had finagled a key to my room. He was taking people in there, lying on my bed, and moving my things. He told them he was my sidepiece. The boys who told me believed him and laughed at me, calling me names. Again, I had no proof, so security wouldn't act. I was moved to a different room. Then I got a sublet for the summer. He told folks he knew where I lived and which room in the house was mine. He also described the broken window latch and how someone could climb onto the porch roof and access my room. It was true."
"Waaaaay back in the day when E-Harmony had just debuted online, no apps or anything like it, I started chatting with a guy via either email or through the site (can't remember which). We seemed to click and set up a date at a local restaurant. It was a pleasant date, but I didn't feel any spark or anything like that. We said goodnight, and I thanked him for the dinner. He didn't attempt to kiss me or anything. I messaged him the following day to thank him again and let him know that I wasn't really feeling it. I was polite and said something to the effect of wishing him well, and I hoped he would find someone. His response, and I remember it word for word because it was so shocking, was 'Fuck you. I knew you never loved me anyway.'"
"My brother is, sadly, one of these 'nice guys'. He has spent well over $300 on a girl before for Christmas presents for her and her daughter, after the woman lost her job as a bartender. He will tip the bartenders really high and will generally act like a creep because he is one. And then he bemoans that he's still alone and can't win at love. Never mind that he doesn't bathe, looks like something dragged beneath a semi for 10 miles, and smells like he's been dipped in a vat of Axe and skunk spray. In his mind, he has money to burn, and if he's willing to spend on the ladies, they should be willing to put out for him."
"I was hanging out with my brother's friend because we were both going through it, and each needed a friend. I've known this guy since I was 3 and he was 12. We're both sharers, and we eventually started sharing about sexual trauma. His response? 'We should have sex.' I am still so thrown because I always thought we had a sibling relationship."
"A guy I met through a childhood friend mistook my politeness for interest. He was 10 years my senior, and I had zero interest in anything other than friendship. One day, he asked if I could come to his new place to help him unpack. He said a bunch of mutual friends would be there as well. When I arrived, no one else was there, and he was already unpacked. He guilted me into staying to watch a movie, and then tried to grab me inappropriately. I panicked and lied that I was gay (I'm bi, so not entirely untrue) so he'd let me leave. When I began dating my current boyfriend, he texted me and called me a misleading slut, then told me I'd have to 'regain his trust' if we were ever to be friends again. I blocked him immediately."
"I used to work in a very customer-centric department of a grocery store, so my 'customer service' personality was always on. A coworker decided he liked me and asked me out. Foolishly, I agreed. Once he realized my customer service personality wasn't who I really was, he started making demands: dress more feminine, go to the gym with him, eat salads more often, stop getting piercings and tattoos, stop wearing certain colors, stop listening to the music I liked and watching my favorite type of shows and movies, stop talking to other guys (including my brothers and cousins for some reason???) and generally misguided batshit nonsense. He basically had this fantasy of who I was, and when I didn't match that fantasy, he tried to mold me into it."
"In college, I noticed the quiet guy had a Star Wars journal, and I complimented him on it. I made friendly small talk with him throughout the semester and invited him to group hangouts (we were in the music program). One night, he did a favor and helped feed my cats while my boyfriend and I went to a show. When we returned home, he left a handwritten card, 'I love you' poetry, a Blu-ray of Moana, and the new Zelda game for my boyfriend. It was an odd gesture. When I saw him the following day to say thank you and politely hand back the gifts, he had this level of anger I'd never seen before. He called me a slut and vented that all pretty girls think they can treat others like shit. He also told me I wasted his time. Okay??"
"I was in my late 20s, and he was my coworker in his late 60s. I saw him as a grandfatherly figure, gave him hugs, and practiced my Spanish with him. He'd bring me lunch sometimes and always found me at shift start to ask about my life and my family. Just kindness, right? Then he asked for my number one night, saying he wanted to practice his English outside of work. I agreed, so he'd text me in English, and I'd text him back in Spanish or English. After a month, he grabbed me from behind, provocatively scooping my waist. I addressed it and said it was uncomfortable, and I don't like being touched. His response was to ask whether I had a boyfriend or husband. I said I did not, so he told me we would be together because I was single. I told him no, I chose to be single and tried distancing myself."
"We were in the same friend group in high school, but never dated. After he graduated two years before me, he would occasionally show up at my house because he was 'in the neighborhood.' He had always been nice to me, but had never made a move or suggested anything like that. When I graduated from high school, he showed up at my house with an engagement ring and asked me to marry him. I was completely shocked, considering we had never had any kind of romantic interaction. He was mad when I turned him down and told me that he had loved me for years, and we were meant to be together."
"Not me, but my friend at uni. She started hanging out with this guy from one of our courses. He seemed like a 'nice' guy. It all was fine until he wanted to get serious, and she didn't. She made it clear to him from the beginning that she didn't want a boyfriend (they didn't even sleep together, they were pretty much just friends), but he already caught feelings and wanted more. So, she cut it off rather than leading him on further. Well, Mr. Nice Guy turned into something else. He would stalk her, blow up her phone with threats, and sit outside her house any chance he got (sometimes he would have a friend with him)."
"Unfortunately, I ended up marrying 'the nice guy.' He didn't show his true colors until after the wedding. He was the 'self-martyr' who always helped others, volunteered in the community, talked about all his good deeds, etc. I now know this term is called a communal narcissist. Everyone else saw him as this amazing, empathetic, caring person, but he unleashed his abuse on me soon after we got married, and I soon learned it was all a facade. He only 'helped others' to boost his own fragile ego. Thank god I got out of there!!!"
"I dated a self-proclaimed older 'nice guy' in his 30s. He had this sad past, which he would tell women to lure them in, and it worked on me. When we are naive, we want to rescue men with our love. He was sweet at first, but slowly he started calling me names and throwing things at me. Then things escalated with controlling and manipulating behaviors. He had me so off balance. He was trying to destroy my confidence and make me dependent on him. Eventually, he became violent, and after a terrible evening out (he started a fight at a restaurant, and the police were called), he came to my house angry because I didn't lie for him to the police. He punched out my windshield, kicked in my door, and stole my phone so he could call my mom and 'tell her what a whore I was.' Then it got physical, and I had to beg for him to leave. But before he left, he screamed at me, 'I fucked so many girls when I was with you that I hope I gave you HIV.'"
"I was a senior supervisor in a role some years ago, and one of the junior supervisors and I sometimes had part of our rail commute together. I gave NO indication of wanting anything other than a working relationship, but I had countless DMs from him wanting more. I confided in my male boss; he couldn't have been more supportive. The supervisor was ultimately dismissed for gross misconduct due to the continued sexual harassment. Then he aired it all over Facebook, so that was nice."
And: "I wasn't the girl he was attempting to hit on, but he tried to use me to be a creep/'nice guy' to get to my deaf female coworker. I worked as a grocery store cashier to raise some money during the summer before returning to college. I didn't know ASL, but I often wrote to communicate with this coworker in a small notebook. Due to that, management often paired us up to work certain sub-departments of cashiering (like the hot bar), since they were in various areas of the store where other cashiers often weren't. She was slightly younger than I, but we got along well. So, this guy, in his late-40s or early-50s, comes up and tries to say hi to my coworker and attempt a compliment, but she didn't hear him. I politely pointed out that she was deaf, so I could write what he wanted to say."
Women, have you had a terrible encounter with a "nice guy"? Tell us what happened in the comments or share anonymously using this form.
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.