Asking Eric: Aging parents' anxiety causes a family rift
That said, every year that goes by, their anxiety reaches new heights.
It seems like a classic case of having very little to fill the void of what their careers once were. It makes it exhausting to spend more than a day or two at a time with them, as the ticks and ruminations start mounting and, eventually, corroding every interaction.
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13 Regrets People Have About The Way They Spoke To Their Parents
We've all had those moments where words fly out of our mouths a bit too quickly, especially in conversations with parents. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, we forget just how important those conversations can be. Reflecting on these exchanges can bring some regrets, as we often wish we had handled things differently. Here are 13 common regrets people have about the way they spoke to their parents. These insights might help you approach future conversations with a bit more thoughtfulness. 1. Not Saying "I Love You" Enough Expressing love might seem simple, but it's something many people regret not doing enough. It might feel awkward or unnecessary at times, but those three words carry weight. According to Dr. Gary Chapman, author of "The Five Love Languages," affirming love is vital for healthy relationships. Some people realize too late that they missed countless opportunities to express their feelings. Remember that taking a moment to say "I love you" can mean the world to your parents. Although actions often speak louder than words, verbalizing love reinforces your feelings. A hug or a kind gesture might hint at what you feel, but hearing the words gives them clarity. Your parents might not expect it, but they certainly appreciate it. Plus, it strengthens the bond and offers reassurance. So, make it a habit to say those simple yet powerful words regularly. 2. Speaking Out Of Anger It's not uncommon to lash out when emotions are high. We sometimes say things we don't mean in anger, and those words can cause lasting wounds. In the moment, it may feel like you're releasing stress or frustration, but the aftermath can be damaging. Angry words can linger in the air long after the argument has subsided. It's essential to pause and cool down before speaking to avoid saying something you'll regret. Taking a deep breath and counting to ten might sound basic, but it helps a lot. Giving yourself a moment to calm down can prevent an emotional explosion. Once you've taken a step back, you'll likely approach the situation with a clearer mind. This approach helps avoid hurtful exchanges and opens the door for more constructive dialogue. Next time you're feeling heated, try stepping away before continuing the conversation. 3. Not Listening Enough Listening is just as important, if not more so, than speaking. Sometimes in our eagerness to be heard, we forget to pay attention to what our parents are saying. Active listening fosters understanding and strengthens relationships. Dr. Julian Treasure, a sound and communication expert, emphasizes the importance of conscious listening for effective communication. Neglecting this can lead to misunderstandings and missed opportunities to connect. When you focus on truly hearing what your parents say, you gain insights into their thoughts and feelings. This helps you respond more empathetically and appropriately. Active listening involves more than just hearing words; it means understanding the context and emotions behind them. Remember to nod, ask questions, and engage in the conversation to show you care. By listening more, you create a space for open and honest communication. 4. Failing To Apologize Apologizing can be tough, especially when pride gets in the way. Many people regret not saying sorry when they should have. Acknowledging your mistakes and taking responsibility goes a long way. It shows maturity and respect for your parents' feelings. Unresolved conflicts can fester over time, making relationships strained and uncomfortable. Saying sorry doesn't mean admitting defeat; it means you're prioritizing the relationship. When you apologize, you open the door to healing and reconciliation. It's a way of saying that you value the relationship more than any petty argument. Your parents will likely appreciate your humility and willingness to make amends. Remember, it's never too late to apologize for past mistakes. 5. Taking Them For Granted It's easy to fall into the trap of taking your parents for granted, especially when they've been a constant presence in your life. Many people regret not expressing gratitude for all the little things their parents did. Research by Dr. Robert Emmons, a leading scientific expert on gratitude, shows that practicing gratitude can significantly improve relationships. When you overlook all the ways your parents support you, you miss out on appreciating their contributions. Expressing gratitude doesn't have to be grand or elaborate. A simple thank you or acknowledgment of their efforts can go a long way. It shows that you see and appreciate their sacrifices and support. Remember, your parents won't always be around, so take the time to thank them now. A little gratitude can deepen your connection and bring more joy to both your lives. 6. Criticizing Too Much Criticism, when excessive, can damage relationships. Many people realize too late that they were too harsh with their words. While feedback is necessary, there's a fine line between constructive criticism and hurtful comments. Constantly pointing out flaws can leave your parents feeling unappreciated. It's important to balance criticism with positive feedback to maintain a healthy relationship. Instead of focusing on what your parents are doing wrong, try highlighting what they're doing right. Everyone likes to feel valued and appreciated, including your parents. Offering a mix of praise and gentle suggestions can promote better communication. This approach fosters a supportive environment where everyone feels respected. Next time you feel the urge to criticize, try to frame it in a more positive way. 7. Neglecting To Share Important Life Updates Keeping your parents in the loop about your life can strengthen your bond. Many people regret not sharing enough about their personal lives with their parents. According to family therapist Dr. John Duffy, staying connected with your parents is crucial for maintaining a close relationship. When you withhold important updates, they might feel left out or disconnected. Sharing your experiences and milestones can bring you closer together. Opening up about your life doesn't mean you have to share every detail. It's about including them in meaningful moments and decisions. This makes them feel valued and involved in your life journey. Whether it's a new job, a relationship, or a personal achievement, sharing these updates can make your parents proud. Remember, they want to celebrate your successes and support you through challenges. 8. Using Sarcasm As A Defense Mechanism Sarcasm might feel like a way to protect yourself, but it often creates distance. Many people regret using sarcasm as a shield when communicating with their parents. It can come off as dismissive or hurtful, even if that's not your intention. While you might think it lightens the mood, it often leaves parents feeling misunderstood. It's crucial to find a more constructive way to express your feelings. Communicating openly and honestly might feel vulnerable, but it's more effective. Instead of hiding behind sarcasm, try addressing your concerns directly. This approach fosters a more genuine connection and understanding between you and your parents. They'll likely appreciate your honesty and respond more positively. Next time you feel the urge to be sarcastic, pause and consider a more straightforward approach. 9. Avoiding Hard Conversations Avoidance might seem like the easy way out, but it often leads to regrets. Many people wish they had addressed tough topics with their parents sooner. Difficult conversations, though uncomfortable, can lead to growth and understanding. Ignoring issues can create tension and unresolved conflicts. It's important to tackle these subjects head-on to maintain a healthy relationship. Initiating a tough conversation requires courage and preparation. Start by choosing the right time and setting to discuss sensitive topics. Approach the conversation with empathy and a willingness to listen. This helps create a safe space for both you and your parents to express your feelings. Though challenging, facing these conversations can lead to stronger, more meaningful connections. 10. Focusing On Differences It's easy to get caught up in how you're different from your parents. Many people regret focusing too much on these differences instead of finding common ground. While different perspectives can lead to conflict, they can also be a source of growth. Embracing diversity in opinions can enrich your relationship. Concentrating on shared interests and values can foster a deeper connection. Try finding activities or topics you both enjoy discussing. This can shift the focus from your differences to what brings you together. Sharing hobbies or interests can create opportunities for bonding and understanding. Remember, your differences don't have to be a barrier; they can be a bridge to discovering new perspectives. Embrace the opportunity to learn from each other and strengthen your relationship. 11. Not Acknowledging Their Efforts Parents often go above and beyond for their children, and it's easy to overlook their efforts. Many people regret not acknowledging the sacrifices and support their parents provided. Recognizing and appreciating what they've done can make a world of difference. It shows that you value their contributions and understand the impact they've had on your life. Acknowledging their efforts helps build a foundation of gratitude and respect. Make it a point to thank your parents for specific things they've done. Whether it's providing for you, offering advice, or simply being there, let them know you notice and appreciate it. This recognition can deepen your bond and make them feel seen and valued. Remember, everyone likes to feel appreciated, and your parents are no different. Take the time to express your gratitude genuinely and often. 12. Letting Pride Get In The Way Pride can be a major obstacle in relationships, leading to regrets about missed opportunities for connection. Many people wish they had set aside their pride to mend fences sooner. Holding onto grudges or refusing to admit when you're wrong only creates distance. Letting go of pride allows for open communication and healing. It shows that you prioritize the relationship over being right. Swallowing your pride might feel uncomfortable, but it's worth it. Admitting your mistakes and showing vulnerability can pave the way for reconciliation. Your parents will likely appreciate your willingness to put the relationship first. This humility can lead to more open and honest interactions, strengthening your bond. Next time pride gets in the way, remember that building a strong relationship is more important than winning an argument. 13. Failing To Express Gratitude Regularly Gratitude is a simple yet powerful way to strengthen your relationship with your parents. Many people regret not expressing appreciation regularly throughout their lives. Even small gestures of gratitude can make a big impact. It reinforces positive interactions and shows that you value their role in your life. Remember, gratitude is not just an occasional act but a continuous practice. Incorporate gratitude into your daily routine. This could be as simple as sending a quick thank-you message or expressing appreciation during a meal. These small acts of kindness can build a foundation of mutual respect and love. Acknowledging the good things your parents do creates a more positive and supportive environment. Make gratitude a habit to enrich your relationship and create lasting memories. Solve the daily Crossword
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Asking Eric: I feel free from family drama
Dear Eric: My wife and son got into a heated argument after he told her that he had dated a woman three times, and on the third date, he asked her if she wanted to split the bill. The woman later texted him that she didn't want to go out with him anymore. My wife told our son that it should be up to the man to pay when dating. My son strongly disagreed, telling her that she was old-fashioned and that the current practice is for those who are dating to split the expenses. Who is right? – Confused Dad Dear Dad: Dating is about finding a person who shares one's values and vision for life. One of your son's values is, apparently, sharing expenses at a certain point. This is totally fine. Dates can be expensive. My mother used to say, 'Romance without finance is a nuisance,' and I always remembered that when I wanted to go on a date, but my pockets were a little light. Your son and the woman weren't compatible in their views about paying for the date. That doesn't make him or your wife right. He was doing what works for him and openly communicating with his date about it. One hopes that he'll find someone who shares that value and has no problem splitting the check. Dear Eric: My sister stopped speaking to me because I didn't attend the wedding of her daughter, my niece. Every year I purchase very expensive seats for my husband and I to attend a two-day concert, for Father's Day. The wedding was planned on one of these days. We chose to continue our tradition. When my sister found out, she called me screaming and brought up things she'd been holding on to for years. As always, most of this was fabricated and not true. There are many issues in my family. I have been on a healing journey from cancer, other health and ancestral trauma and so on. She is 70 and I'm 75 years old. I want to live in peace and love for the rest of the life I have left. I feel free from family drama. My small immediate family is a blessing. My health, family and loving friends come first. My niece and I have a good relationship. We had dinner before the wedding, and I met her husband. I am not worried about that. Although I think of my sister often, I reflect on the family drama, and feel relieved that I am not in it anymore. We are senior citizens and should be enjoying our life. What do you think? – Want Peace and Love Dear Peace and Love: Honestly, your letter had me in the first half. I thought, 'You can't skip the concert for one year?' But this isn't really about the wedding. Your niece seems to be fine with it, from your telling. So, even if your sister had bruised feelings about your choice, it isn't really her fight. What appears to be happening here is that this event is just another inflection point in an on-going conflict. Sometimes we're in conflict with people, but sometimes they just have conflicts with us. That's the issue here. If she's bringing up issues she's had with you for years, then the wedding was just an excuse. If part of your healing journey has been setting a healthy boundary, then you should keep that boundary and not engage in further back and forth with your sister. You wrote that you want peace. Peace can always be a shared goal, but if she's not willing or interested in working toward it with you, you can step back with love. Dear Eric: I use the exercise room in my apartment. So does a neighbor who has a body odor so strong that when he is there – or has been there in the previous few hours – I open the window, turn on the fan, prop the door open and wear a mask. There is no staff to complain to. I feel that saying something to him would be crossing a line. Help! – Workout Woes Dear Workout: Although a conversation is the most direct route, it might be uncomfortable and could create a tense situation for you in the building. Because the space has no oversight, take the reins by posting a community note on the door or in the room that acknowledges the gym is a stuffy space and requests that everyone air the gym out during workouts and practices community-minded hygiene. (Think of the signs at pools that instruct swimmers to shower beforehand). Now, this depends on a level of self-awareness that your neighbor may not possess. But, short of talking to him, your next best bet is reminding him – and everyone else – that this is a shared space.
