Couples Are Sharing The Simple But Effective Ways They Keep Their Marriage Strong, And It's Really, Really Sweet

Yahoo

2 days ago

We recently asked married members of the BuzzFeed Community to tell us the relationship "hacks" they use to keep their marriage healthy. Here's what they shared:
1."For the last 10 years, my husband and I have had a 'performance review' every December. We make it a fun night, go to our favorite restaurant, and enjoy a great meal with cocktails. We review our goals from the previous year and develop goals for the upcoming year. We even keep a notebook with all our 'feedback discussions', laugh at how silly some goals are, and celebrate each other when we achieve said goals. After 10 years, we have a lot to keep us entertained and more to celebrate. We even have a mid-year review to check on the status. We look forward to our 'discussions' and find they help bring fun and accountability to our relationship, keeping communication open. And yes, I'm an HR professional!"
—Anonymous
2."We decided when we were first married that we would not be able to call each other curse words. I can't call him an a**hole, and he can't call me a b*tch. This forces us to use our words, and we end up describing how the other person is making us feel instead. So it sounds more like, 'You're making me feel like you don't care about my problem because it doesn't affect you, and I'm frustrated.' You also have to stop yourself in the middle of your rant to decide how to say something without cursing. It's very effective and usually resolves quickly because the other person can actually understand what you are trying to say."
"We also kiss each other good morning and goodbye every day, no matter what. Having the last thing we said to each other every morning and night be an 'I love you' means that if tragedy strikes, then that will be the last thing we ever said to each other. Also, recognizing that we are a team and always on the same side helps. Did you mess something up? No worries, we've got this. We are a team! Married 22 happy years and wouldn't change a thing!"
—Anonymous
3."Separate mattresses and separate blankets! Our mattresses are together on the same bed frame (XL Sleep Number twin mattresses together on a king frame), and separate blankets are a lifesaver! We even get two beds when we travel and stay in a hotel. Having our own space at night is wonderful. We've been married 15 years and will stay that way. If we ever got divorced, it would be because of the fight over the thermostat, hahaha 😄."
—Anonymous
4."Separate bank accounts! There has to be a lot of trust involved, though. You and your partner have to be honest about any debt that you have, and be honest if there are any struggles. In our house, bills are split up based on income, so if one person makes more than the other, they pay a larger share of the monthly bills. We don't question each other's purchases, so there's no need to hide anything. Otherwise, there's no need to discuss."
—Anonymous
5."Don't assume that they're annoyed at you and react just because their tone of voice is off or antagonistic. Check what may have happened in their day or what might've caused it first. You're their safe person, so they may feel safe expressing their emotions. It's not a personal attack! For example, a coworker has been pissing them off all day, but they've had to contain their frustration. If this translates to them being huffy around you, it's just leaking out because they don't have to hide it around you. You're the closest person to them, literally or figuratively. Figure out the 'why' first. ALWAYS figure out the 'why.' Communication will feel effortless, and there will be no arguments."
—Anonymous
6."It took me over a decade to realize that the whole 'don't go to bed angry' thing is silly. Staying up late to ensure you are both OK makes for some tired, emotional fights that go round in circles and bring out the worst in both of you. Turn away from each other, just get some rest, and revisit the issue with the perspective of a good night's sleep. I used to be terrified that if I hadn't 'fixed' the problem before bed, then I was being rejected. After having it spelled out to me that my partner HATED losing half a night to 'talking it out,' I realized I could have faith that a good marriage can't be destroyed by one frosty evening."
—Anonymous
7."We are about to celebrate a decade together, and it still feels like the love we created from day one. We NEVER call each other names when we're upset or angry, and don't give quips to try and hurt the other person's feelings. Communication solves so many problems, and realizing that you are a team instead of one versus the other is key. Be open and caring with your heart. However, I think one of the biggest things that has helped is words of affirmation. It may not be our preferred love language, but we constantly praise each other daily. I know how proud he is of me and how much he loves me because he always tells me. Shower your partner with their love language, and remind them how much you love them and why."
—Anonymous
8."My husband and I try a variety of dates and try to go on at least two dates per month. We keep a list of possible dates to try based on the events available around us. For example, we live near a college campus that has cheap musicals and plays performances every few months, so that's a date we do regularly. There are also free concerts once a week in the summer in the park across the street. We also look for restaurants we haven't tried yet or discounted days at water parks, theme parks, mini golf, art studios, minor league baseball, etc. This keeps us excited for date nights because it's different each week. We don't fall into a routine and get bored."
"Sure, we have places we love and go to a few times a year, but we mix it in with other new places and activities. We have the most fun out of all our friends in relationships because we still make time to bond together! And we've discovered new hobbies and activities we love and try to do when we have free time, because of our adventures, trying new things."
—Anonymous
9."Thank each other for the little things, even the chores/household tasks you agreed that person would do. Thank them for it. We always thank each other for cooking, getting the groceries, doing laundry, etc. You never take each other and the work your partner does for granted. Make sure the other person feels seen and appreciated."
—Anonymous
10."We always cook together — one does the protein and the other does the sides. It makes it more enjoyable to savor each other's dishes and not feel pressured to cook the whole meal. And the occasional dance around the kitchen while cooking together is a bonus."
—Anonymous
11."No matter how angry you are, remind the other that you love them. Remember to talk it out after your emotions have calmed down a notch."
—Anonymous
12."Hubby had heart surgery, and many nurses asked how we 'made it' 25 years. I let him answer because he was under some good drugs, haha, and he said, 'Take care of each other after surgery,' which was a great answer! We've both had three serious surgeries, and you have to have a lot of patience when you care for someone 24/7. The stay in the hospital was longer than anticipated, and I was lucky enough to stay every night. I was honored to care for him. Advocating for your loved one in the hospital is also really important. He didn't always know what medications he was given, and with the complications he had, he needed someone more often than usual."
"Outside of surgery, it's really important to understand each other and take mental breaks. We've had some pretty intense life experiences, and there was always one of us who wanted our marriage to work. Sometimes you just need to hear the other person say it! Marriage can be hard work!"
—Anonymous
13."After 18 years of marriage, we make sure to put each other first. We have a date night at least every one or two weeks. I think it's important to always say how you feel and have real conversations. You have to be willing to put in the work. Ask them how their day was. Let them know you missed them. Always make an effort."
14."Get a couples therapist to help you argue constructively and communicate better so you are always on the same team!"
—Anonymous
"Couples counseling before a problem arises. You'll learn how to disagree in a way that allows you to grow as a couple. It's helpful to take a look at your habits and way of thinking."
—Anonymous
15."We introduced a third person. He is experienced at being with couples, hot af, and brings out the best in both of us. We've never been more connected. Who would have thought?"
—Anonymous
16."Bathroom privacy. It becomes harder to feel sexual with someone you have witnessed popping, flossing, etc. But do talk about everything...even if the conversation is hard. We've been married 36 years."
—Anonymous
17."We think of our marriage as a marathon. Not just the race itself, but the training (dealing with our past), the race (dealing with the present), and the after-party (planning for the future). It has helped us through seasons of struggle and keeps us committed to a common goal."
—Anonymous
18."My husband and I agreed on our budget, and part of it includes a monthly 'allowance' for each of us that we can spend however we want, no questions asked (within reason). We've been successfully paying down medical debt for several years now, and neither of us feels deprived, because we still have some fun money."
—Anonymous
"Budgeting. Once a year, when we get a new budget book, we sit down and discuss our goals for the year. We usually set a few goals for that year in particular and some bigger ones for the future. Once a month, we check in and have a budget committee meeting to discuss where we are and what might need to change. It made such a huge difference for us. We are always on the same page financially, and it prevents a lot of fights. We saved enough to buy a house in our first year!"
—Anonymous
19."Let the little stuff slide and stay committed to tackling the big stuff together. You're going to forget the little things anyway. Communicate frequently and never go to bed angry at each other."
—Anonymous
20."My husband and I were married when he was 40 and I was 49. Neither of us had been married before, and it was HARD to give up some of the agency we were used to having after being single for so long. It saved us once we finally learned to take a beat and ask ourselves if a situation where we disagreed was worth making an issue over. We're coming up on our 13th anniversary, and life is lovely."
—Anonymous
21.And: "Everyone will tell you to keep going out on dates, which is great advice. But the key to this is that one person needs to plan everything about the date, and the other person doesn't have to (or get to) research what to do or make any decisions. Maybe they don't even know where you're going. We take turns being 'date boss,' and it preserves the aspect of our early dates that made them feel like a gift from the other person. Planning a good date takes work. You must know the other person and what's happening around town. It's not fun to go back and forth with, 'Whadda you wanna do?' Someone else surprising me with a restaurant choice feels cute, even if I've been there before. It doesn't have to be big or fancy. We only have one or two dates a month, but they still feel exciting and romantic after 15 years together."
—Anonymous
What tips, tricks, or hacks do you employ to keep your marriage strong? Care to share with the rest of us? Tell us your secret to a successful marriage in the comments or share anonymously using this form.