I Caught My Husband of 10 Years Cheating—How Do I Leave When I Still Love Him?

Yahoo

16-05-2025

Ask a Witch is StyleCaster's advice column offering sage advice and practical magic for modern problems. Every Friday, our resident witch Roya Backlund will answer your most vulnerable conundrums through the lens of astrology, Tarot, and spirituality. Submit questions to [e-mail], along with your birth information—date, time, and location—as well as birth information for other parties involved, if you have it. Hex what vexes you: Ask a Witch.
Dear Roya,
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I just found out that my husband of ten years has been cheating on me for at least eight of those years. I feel like the rug has been pulled from under me and I'm uncertain of what to do. We have a son who turns ten this year. I have a deep desire to leave, as I feel he will not change. He has been doing this for so long, and when I confronted him, he said that he won't ever do it again. But he isn't showing signs of giving up his phone addiction, so I can't imagine him not doing it again. I'm just waiting for the ball to drop, and for me to catch him cheating all over again.
Unfortunately, another part of me just doesn't want to go. I still love him, even though I am absolutely crushed right now. I want him to feel the same pain that he has inflicted on me. Do I stay or do I go?
Sincerely,Loving the Wrong Man
I'm so sorry you're going through this. You probably have a lot of people telling you conflicting things, which only adds to your confusion. On one hand, you're probably being told that you should stick around and work on your relationship with your husband for the sake of your family. On the other, you're probably being told that it's unthinkable for you to stay with him and that you should have already left by now. Don't beat yourself up about not making a firm decision either way; it makes perfect sense that you're feeling stuck right now. This wasn't just some passing heartbreak, but total and complete destruction of the life you've built. We're talking about ten years of marriage here, and a young child is involved. There's a part of you that's probably trying to forget about it and go back to the way things were—back to the life you knew and loved. You're not wrong for feeling that way. It's completely valid and understandable.
However, eight years of cheating is not a mistake. It wasn't an accident. It didn't 'just happen.' This is a clear pattern of lying, straying, and scheming. It's also something called 'uninformed consent,' as your husband has kept his extramarital affairs a secret while continuing to sleep with you at the same time. This has put you at risk for STDs and emotional trauma, as the consent you've given your husband is conditional on the relationship being fully monogamous. The fact that he cheated on you without your knowledge is a direct violation of the agreement you both made—and your consent. Because of how long he's cheated, the chances of him suddenly stopping are extremely minimal. This would require him to have a total personality change, or at the very least, start seeing a really good therapist. From the looks of his continued phone dependence, he seems to be acting the same way as always, but he's probably working double-time to keep the truth hidden from you.
You've probably wondered why this happened to you, but according to your birth chart, this situation is exactly in line with the promise of your birth chart. You were born with your South Node of Karma in Sagittarius, situated right on top of your descendent—a.k.a. your seventh house of partnerships, marriages, and contracts. In astrology, your South Node is symbolic of the patterns, experiences, and histories you're bringing with you from your past lives. It represents your comfort zone, but not necessarily in a 'comforting' way, because your comfort zone holds you back. It keeps you 'stuck,' much like this marriage is keeping you stagnant. Your South Node is also conjunct Uranus—planet of sudden breaks and changes—which is why this revelation about your marriage seemingly came out of nowhere, completely destabilizing your sense of self. (Learn more about the 12 houses of astrology.)
Fortunately, sitting at the opposite of your South Node is your North Node of Destiny. While your South Node shows everything you already know, the North Node represents everything you came to this life to learn, try, and experience for the first time. In your birth chart, your North Node is in Gemini in the first house of the self, which means that a major part of your narrative in this life is to learn how to stand on your own two feet. This doesn't mean you're meant to be single or alone, but that you're meant to have mastered the art of independence and having your own identity, free from the confines of a relationship. Your relationship should support that growth—not leave you feeling dependent on a man who holds you back.
It's an interesting time for these issues to arise for you. The North Node is currently sitting in Pisces—your 10th house of career and authority—encouraging you to embrace your ambitions and learn how to be your own provider. The South Node is currently moving through your fourth house of home and family, causing you to shed what no longer belongs in your personal life and spotlight issues relating to the state of your private domestic space. You're facing the reality of what is happening for you behind closed doors, bringing forth destined changes that have everything to do with your lifelong task of becoming your most honest, authentic, and independent self.
You've mentioned that you share a ten-year-old son, but it's important to remember that your son is learning about love and relationships from you and your husband. As he gets older, he will model his relationships after what you've established here. He will likely see that true love means sticking together no matter what, even if the relationship is based on lies. He might believe that men are allowed to cheat, because their partner will forgive them. You might think you son is incredibly mature for his age and that he would never grow up to be like his father, but historically, saying 'Do I as I say, not as I do,' rarely ever steers children away from acting just like you. What your kid needs more than a stable, 'picture perfect' household is a healthy parent they can truly depend on and look up to. Remember—what a parent deems acceptable will inevitably be seen as acceptable to their child.
There may be major developments in this storyline by autumn, when eclipse season directly impacts your home life. On September 7, a full moon and total lunar eclipse will land just two degrees away from your midheaven—a.k.a. the most public part of your chart—and your imun coeli—a.k.a. the most private part of your chart. This is when something could be made public, whether through some sort of an announcement or a career endeavor. It could also be when you face up to an authority figure. While there's no way of knowing exactly what happens, it will bring truth to light regarding the status of your family dynamic and personal life. This could be when a turning point begins to take place in your relationship with your husband, whether you decide to stay with him, leave him, or everything in-between. Point blank—this is when something will begin to change. You won't be feeling stagnant forever.
You mention that you're still in love with your husband, but you also say 'I want him to feel the same pain that he has inflicted on me.' It's fascinating—the fine line that exists between love and hate, or pain and pleasure. The searing hot torment of loving what hurts you is shown in the fact that your natal Mars in Scorpio is conjunct his natal Venus in Scorpio, showing immense sexual chemistry, and sometimes, the intensity of a connection like this is rooted in fear, power plays, and repeating patterns of trauma. Your husband's natal Saturn—planet of karma and limitations—is also sitting on top of your South Node in the seventh house of partnerships. This shows that your husband was always a lesson to be learned, but it also explains why it's so hard to part ways from him. Saturn clings onto whatever it touches, but it severs things completely once it has finally reached its limit. Maybe you simply haven't reached your limit yet—and that's OK.
If you really want to know how to hurt your husband, know that the idea of your freedom is an affront to him. You learning how to be your own person—a separate entity from him—truly terrifies him. His natal Chiron—planet of deep wounds and insecurities—is sitting right on top of your North Node in Gemini in the first house of the self. The more independent you become, the more powerless he feels. The more you start to get used to the idea of not needing your husband, the more freaked out he will feel. In a sense, your growth is a direct reflection of his suffering.
The way to get back at your husband is very simple—live well. Leading a truly fulfilling life of your own is the greatest revenge you could ever exact on him.
Roya Backlund is StyleCaster's Senior Lifestyle & Astrology Editor and a professional witch. Born in Los Angeles on May 26—the same day as Stevie Nicks—she's been obsessed with the zodiac since she discovered she was a Gemini as a child. Her interest in mysteries and the occult began in the metaphysical section at her local Borders. If you're a fan of astrology, spirituality, and witchcraft, you've probably read her horoscopes and lifestyle articles, which have appeared elsewhere in Elite Daily, PopSugar, Astrology.com, and more. Whether you want to delve deeper into your birth chart or interpret signs from your spirit guides, Roya's got you covered.
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