He said ‘I love you' … once
I may not ever be able to utter the words again. And how do I trust that someone is being genuine if it is ever said to me again?
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IN THE MOMENT
A.
After
months
of dating, were you really in love with this man? Was it an
I-can-see-this-person's-soul
kind of love? Or more of a
this-seems-pretty-exciting-let's-keep-dating
love?
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You say you were 'very much in love,' but it was
so new.
Maybe it was more about hope and excitement.
I say this whenever we get an 'I love you' letter: Please define what you mean when you say it, especially to yourself. It felt
amazing
to hear the words from this man, and thrilling to say them back. You wanted to take every opportunity to share! That might reveal more about your previous relationship than this recent one.
Related
:
You ask how to trust someone who says it in the future. Really, it's about consistency and thoughtfulness. If they say it once and never again, that tells you plenty. If they say it while you're driving to the grocery store, as opposed to in the heat of passion, that might show you even more.
If they say it when the relationship is still new, please know that things could change.
'I like hanging out with you' might be a better and more honest place to start.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
This has nothing to do with anyone saying 'I love you.' It's all about you. The real issue is why you stayed in a marriage with a husband who was in love with someone else … for decades.
EACB
I think you will know if it's genuine when: 1) it's not just blurted out during a moment of passion; and … 2) ACTION, not just words. It supports that they genuinely care and appreciate you. Take things slow and allow trust and love to develop over time.
BKLYNMOM
You're being gaslighted. Big time. As you probably were in your decades-long marriage. See a therapist; people who lack confidence are drawn to people who gaslight. Stand up for yourself and toss the loser aside.
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BIGSIGH
My husband and I rarely say 'I love you,' but how he behaves is what tells me that he does, and I think that's often more meaningful. Lots of little selfless acts that show me he's caring.
RCDER
Related
:
I've always heard that saying 'I love you' is cultural ― New England men in particular find it hard to say, but men of Italian descent find it easy. So, my advice is to find someone whose feelings about the 'I love you' thing are compatible with yours. Use this as a test for whom to get involved with. That should make your dating life ― any any future married life ― much easier.
OUTOFORDER
As for future relationships, I'd perhaps try to find someone closer aligned to your propensity to commit early. Let's say you're using a dating app, maybe be upfront about your passion for a relationship, something along the lines of 'when I find someone who I'm physically and emotionally compatible with, I let them know how important they are to me. If you're not one to validate those same feelings, please consider looking elsewhere, as I'm after a long-term, loving relationship.' Maybe being upfront will match you with an ideal partner. Good luck.
SOXSUPPORTER
This isn't the guy for you. But in future relationships, you can make your desires known when getting to know someone. For example, on one of your first dates, you ask them, 'What are your relationship goals?' And then you can tell them yours ('I am looking for a committed guy who loves verbal affection and romance as much as I do'). Sure, some guys will balk and reject you because they are not looking for a commitment in general, or just don't see themselves falling in love with you. Don't even take it personally. Just keep dating and being honest, and you can find a guy that mutually clicks with you. Classic advice, but … don't even bother to worry about 'I love yous' until you are already an obvious, well-established couple and it officially
means
something when you say it to each other.
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