My heart shattered when pal phoned & told me my boyfriend was dead – but two days later he sent me a letter & I saw red
HEARING the words 'they've found a body', Elena Ricci braced herself for what was about to unfold.
Just hours earlier, she'd received an email from her boyfriend of six years, Chirag, detailing what he was about to do, and now the pieces of the jigsaw were all falling into place.
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Elena Ricci with her partner of six years, Chirag, who tragically took his own life
Credit: SWNS
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Elena Ricci, from Birmingham, was sent a letter from her boyfriend days after his death
Credit: SWNS
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Chirag left his girlfriend Elena a 'yes list' with 101 things to do to help her learn to live again
Credit: SWNS
Chirag, 26, had taken his own life, and while he'd told Elena, 29, of his plan the same day, she never imagined for a second that he'd go through with it.
To add to her grief, two days later Elena received an apology from Chirag in a letter 'from beyond the grave', and her shock turned to anger.
In it, Chirag had also written 101 tasks he wanted her to complete, ranging from a bungee jump to a summer romance and asking her mum to set her up with a date.
Elena, a content creator from Birmingham, West Midlands, who met Chirag at university, says: "When I first read it, I thought 'what the hell is this?'.
"It read 'I'm really sorry about what I have done, but we already had 50 things we wanted to do together - I hope you'll still do them. I added 50 more things I think you should do'.
"At the beginning, I felt anger and disbelief - that he'd had the audacity to send me this."
Elena explained how Chirag, who lived in London, had struggled with his mental health for some time before he took his own life.
She recalls how he didn't talk about his feelings, but that he never spoke of contemplating suicide either.
She says: "He never said he was thinking of killing himself.
"We'd talk about life in general and how hard it is to find purpose.
I didn't think life could get worse after my dad killed himself – but his suicide note confession chilled me to my core
"Things like racism got to him - people don't realise how much it gets to you."
'I had no idea'
It was in July 2022 when the email landed in Elena's inbox, and she soon realised that Chirag had scheduled it to land at around the same time of his death.
She says she thought the email was some kind of 'joke': "It was very sudden, I had no idea,' Elena adds.
"He sent me the email at 8pm, and in the email it said what he did [his plans to take his own life]. I didn't believe it.
"I still thought it was a joke for a few hours.
"I felt a lot of guilt - not understanding how severe things were and not being able to help.
"I wish I could have done more but I know there was nothing I could have done."
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Elena Ricci says she was initially furious after receiving the letter, but has since embraced the list three years on
Credit: SWNS
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Elena Ricci seen running the London Marathon 2025 - an activity on the bucket list
Credit: Elena Ricci
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She says she was left completely numb by his death after her boyfriend struggled to open up about his feelings
Credit: SWNS
Elena called her local police and was told they would get in touch with police in London, where Chirag's body was later discovered. The pair's relationship had been long-distance for two years.
However, desperate for answers, she then asked Chirag's friend to go to the location Chirag had mentioned in the email.
Elena says: 'When he called me with the news that a stranger had found a body, my life was turned upside down.
"I knew it was him.
"The friend managed to get in touch with his family and confirm it was Chirag. It felt like I was in a dream or in a movie, and I was feeling so much that I didn't know how to react.
"I was forcing myself to cry."
'Completely numb'
Elena was still reeling from the shock when Chirag's letter arrived in the post 48 hours later.
Struggling to process her grief, she put the letter in a drawer where it would stay for the next three years.
She says: "I felt completely numb, every day felt like a dream for a while.
"After the funeral, I completely broke down, and it hit me that he was never coming back.
"I was walking through life sleepwalking - I didn't want to face my grief let alone tick off tasks in a letter."
It was only in January this year that Elena decided to read Chirag's letter again.
He'd asked her to see a grief therapist, and after a few sessions, she began to slowly move forward with her life.
Now, three years on from Chirag's death, Elena is finally ticking off tasks on his list that included dying your hair blonde, doing something you hate and picking up a guitar again.
Chirag's bucket list for Elena
Chirag listed 101 activities in a letter to Elena to complete after his death
- Do something you hate
- Enjoy your birthday again
- Do grief therapy
- Dye your hair blonde
- Go to Stourhead
- Have an Italian summer romance before you're 30
- Ask your mum to arrange a date for you
- Go bungee jumping
- Play guitar again and actually become good at it
- Climb Kilimanjaro
One simple task was to enjoy her birthday in May, a milestone she has struggled with since losing her partner.
She says: "I enjoyed my birthday for the first time in two years.
"Doing my birthday was something I did for other people because they know how much I used to enjoy it.
"This year, I did it for myself.
"I went to the Ivy restaurant and then visited the Yorkshire Dales with friends - we went to the sauna and hiking."
Elena still has mixed feelings about Chirag's requests.
She says: I still feel some anger but also grateful - he probably knew I wouldn't want to live anymore,' she says.
"I'm re-learning how to live thanks to him.
"I've called it my yes list."
Whilst some of Chirga's requests may take years to complete, like buying her own house, Elena hopes to keep ticking off the more manageable ones.
She adds: "I want to visit the place in Stourhead where Pride and Prejudice was shot.
"I've dyed my hair blonde - a bronze blonde - which was also on the list.
"I'm happy I've done it.
"I feel like a new person, almost."
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Elena pictured enjoying her birthday in Yorkshire for the first time since Chirag's passing
Credit: Elena Ricci
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Elena says she feels like a new person after taking on the bucket list and loving on with her life
Credit: SWNS
You're Not Alone
EVERY 90 minutes in the UK a life is lost to suicide
It doesn't discriminate, touching the lives of people in every corner of society – from the homeless and unemployed to builders and doctors, reality stars and footballers.
It's the biggest killer of people under the age of 35, more deadly than cancer and car crashes.
And men are three times more likely to take their own life than women.
Yet it's rarely spoken of, a taboo that threatens to continue its deadly rampage unless we all stop and take notice, now.
That is why The Sun launched the You're Not Alone campaign.
The aim is that by sharing practical advice, raising awareness and breaking down the barriers people face when talking about their mental health, we can all do our bit to help save lives.
Let's all vow to ask for help when we need it, and listen out for others…
If you, or anyone you know, needs help dealing with mental health problems, the following organisations provide support:
CALM,
Heads Together,
HUMEN
Mind,
Papyrus,
Samaritans,
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