'I need to fix this' - battling back from mental health rock bottom
Watch the new series ALLGOODS now on TVNZ+.
Content warning: This article discusses mental health.
Toi Rankin's rock bottom was isolating himself in his room and disengaging from the world completely.
He would order Uber Eats every meal and would sometimes get the delivery driver to pass it through his bedroom window so he didn't risk crossing paths with his flatmates.
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He didn't want to be seen by his friends or family, and he avoided even seeing himself in the mirror.
Toi Rankin explains what it took getting out of his rock bottom in the new Re: News series ALL GOODS. (Source: Pepe De Hoyos Photography.)
Over six months he gained 80kgs and got diabetes and sleep apnoea.
He remembers driving past his mum one day and waving to her, but she didn't recognise who he was.
"She was worried, like really worried. It was bad," Toi said. "That was really tough and one of those moments where I was like f***, I need to fix this."
Introducing ALLGOODS
In a desperate attempt to turn his health around, Toi linked up with a trainer called Pab and the Riff Raff run club – which he says quite literally saved his life.
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Together, they committed to trying to work out what it means to be well as Māori and Pasifika men today.
"The story we wanted to tell was never about weight loss, because that's not the problem," said Toi.
"There's so much more to it and I'm not an outlier, I'm actually part of the majority for being unhealthy physically and mentally."
Re: News journalist Zoe Madden-Smith sat down with Toi to chat about what it was like taking one for the team and becoming the "stand in" for the audience of Māori and Pasifika men who may have gone through similar battles with their mental and physical health.
Zoe: What inspired making ALLGOODS?
Toi: Originally, we got funding to do a series about Riff Raff, the run club. But we ran into a few obstacles, so we basically had to pivot the series to make it work.
We knew we wanted to tell a story aimed at Māori and Pasifika men, so the team was like to me, 'Why don't we move your story to be front and centre?'
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At that point I had done the massive weight loss thing and had lost 50kgs, but I had almost like regressed or stagnated a bit.
So, we thought why don't we look at the series through a more holistic point of view and bring in Te Whare Tapa Whā and I'll be the stand in for the audience.
Editor's note: Te Whare Tapa Whā is a Māori framework for health. The four pillars represent the four dimensions of health: taha tinana (physical health), taha hinengaro (mental and emotional health), taha whānau (family and social health), and taha wairua (spiritual health).
Zoe: How did you feel about the spotlight being turned on you?
Toi: I still feel weird about it. But at the same time, I'm like, it's not really about me. I just need to get out of my head because if this can inspire one person, then that's a win.
But it was weird to watch it back, it was a big ego thing.
My first TV showing of myself is me at my absolute worst. So that was really difficult, like f*** having to be on camera at your rock bottom. But I just kept telling myself 'This is bigger than you'.
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Toi Rankin says his weight gained caused him to develop chronic sleep apnoea. (Source: Pepe De Hoyos Photography.)
Zoe: In the series you are really open about putting on 80kgs in six months, giving yourself sleep apnoea and diabetes – things that people usually wouldn't want to talk about. Why did you want to be so open?
Toi: I didn't want pity from this. I didn't want it to come across as 'Oh my god, this was so awful'. But more, here's this thing that's that that's happened, and now I'm trying to fix it.
This doesn't have to define who I am, so you know, let's get people up to speed and move on.
Zoe: How long did your low point last for?
Toi: It got worse and worse over time. Overall, it was probably for a year, but that really bad routine was about three or four months.
But yeah, I was incrementally building on that shitty masterpiece for a long time.
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Zoe: What was the moment that made you realise you needed to change something?
Toi: It was when I went to tie up my shoes and I fully got into a huff and started sweating. That's when I was like 'Mmm, this is not good or fun or cool'.
I always just thought I could work off the weight, because my weight had spiked after uni but I worked it off.
I kept telling myself I'd be able to dig myself out, but I kept going further and further until I realised, I can't do this on my own.
So, I called my brother for help because he is a personal trainer. He told me he could write me an exercise and diet plan, or he could tee me up with his mate Pab and said, 'He's a bit wild, but he will take care of you'.
Zoe: What was the hardest part about your journey?
Toi: The hardest part was showing up. And it still is to be honest. I'm supposed to go to training this week, but I just haven't.
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When you go to training, you get your ass kicked, but you can almost autopilot that. The hardest part is getting there.
But I've gotten over the anxiety part of it. I remember when I drove to the first training, I sat in my car and then drove home because I was just way too anxious about it.
I thought I'd probably get judged because I'm so unfit. I don't even want to be seen by my family and friends like that, let alone some strangers.
But the second attempt I went with my brother and once I met all the boys it was awesome.
Zoe: What's your favourite episode of the series? What are you most excited for people to watch?
Toi: My favourite one is the 'I love you bro' episode. I really loved the sewing workshop and being able to bring the Riff Raff and experience that with them.
Male mental health in New Zealand is f****d and I liked that we were shining a light on that.
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And I like that all the boys showed up to support the cause — and the boys are all fired up about it on the chat afterwards.
Zoe: Have you sewn since?
Toi: No, but I honestly thought about buying a sewing machine. I went on Trade Me and I saw the exact one we were using, and I'm like, 'I'm gonna get you soon'. It's one of my goals.
The Riff Raff run club. (Source: Pepe De Hoyos Photography.)
Zoe: What did you learn about yourself through making the series?
Toi: I learnt heaps but the hīkoi [filming at the 2024 Hīkoi mō te Tiriti] was especially gnarly for me. That was the biggest exposure therapy and that was the second shoot day.
In my head I was like 'They can see from a mile away that I am a plastic Māori and that I'm all s***'.
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But most of the people were so happy to talk to me. So having that being proven wrong meant that I eventually relaxed into it the day.
In that same episode we [the Riff Raff run club] also jump into the water at the end. So, getting undressed in front of the camera was gnarly too. I still feel uncomfortable watching it, but I know that's a me thing.
There were a lot of moments where I was hugely pushed out of my comfort zone. But then I would do it and the world wouldn't end, and I was like 'Oh okay, nobody actually cares'.
Zoe: What would you say to your past self who was at rock bottom? What would you want him to know that you know now?
Toi: Movement is free. You can go for a walk, you can stretch, and you can start small and it's about building on that.
And also, don't wait. Don't reserve all your positive energy into your future self because they don't exist.
That's what I did, I said 'I am going to go travelling once I am fit and healthy. I'm going to do this, once I am this'.
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But by doing that, you're sort of taking all this positive energy away from yourself. And then you get to that date you set for yourself, and you haven't hit those goals and so you feel like s***.
So, save some joy for now. Watch ALLGOODS on TVNZ+ now.
This interview was edited for clarity and length.
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