Why women are swiping left: the hidden costs of emotional labour in dating
Image: cottonbro studio /pexels
The expectation in a relationship is that you are equals, but instead of being an equal partner, you've become a one-person support system.
You're managing your partner's stress, decoding his moods, and shouldering his emotional baggage, all while juggling your own life.
There's nothing wrong with this; you're in a relationship, but it shouldn't be a matter of mothering, mentoring, or therapistizing.
This phenomenon, dubbed "mankeeping" by researchers, reflects a growing emotional imbalance in many heterosexual relationships. And for a lot of women, it's a dealbreaker.
What is mankeeping?
Coined by Stanford researchers and published in the "Psychology of Men and Masculinities" journal, mankeeping describes the emotional labour women take on to compensate for shrinking male social networks.
This isn't about remembering anniversaries or organising date nights. It's about becoming your partner's emotional anchor.
According to Angelica Ferrara, lead author of the study and postdoctoral scholar at Stanford's Clayman Institute for Gender Research, some women spend hours each week managing the emotional well-being of the men in their lives.
Think of it as unpaid, invisible labour comforting, listening, and supporting, often without reciprocation.
And as more men report fewer close friendships, women are increasingly stepping in to fill the gaps.
The loneliness epidemic among men
At the heart of mankeeping is a troubling reality: Men's social networks have been shrinking for decades.
Studies show that men are less likely than women to form deep, emotionally supportive friendships.
Instead, they often reserve their vulnerability for romantic partners. Melanie Hamlett captured this dynamic in her Harper's Bazaar article, 'Men have no friends, and women bear the burden'.
Adding, 'American men, with their puffed-up chests, fist bumps, and awkward side hugs, grow up believing that they should not only behave like stoic robots in front of other men but that women are the only people they are allowed to turn to for emotional support.'
This pattern starts young. Research shows that even as children, boys are less likely than girls to seek emotional support from their peers.
Girls expect that confiding in friends will lead to understanding and comfort, while boys often fear it will feel 'weird' or pointless. This trend persists into adulthood, where many men struggle to form emotionally open friendships, leaving their romantic partners to shoulder the load.
Studies show that men are less likely than women to form deep, emotionally supportive friendships. Instead, they often reserve their vulnerability for romantic partners.
Image: Alex Green /pexels
Why women are exhausted by dating men this way
Being someone's 'therapist with benefits' can be exhausting. Women are left feeling unappreciated, overburdened, and emotionally drained. And when the dynamic isn't balanced, resentment can creep in. Many are choosing to opt out of dating altogether.
According to Pew Research, only 38% of single women in the US are actively looking for a relationship, compared to 61% of single men. Women aren't rejecting love, they're rejecting the emotional imbalances that often come with it.
According to Forbes, the author of the study, 'Vulnerability without boundaries can feel more like a burden than a breakthrough.' And this isn't about women being 'cold' or 'bitter.' It's about protecting their energy. For many, staying single feels like the healthier, less exhausting choice.
Here's how emotional labour plays out in everyday life:
Emotional support: Women often become the de facto emotional anchors in their relationships. They're the ones listening, checking in, and offering comfort when things get tough.
Building social networks: Many women take on the role of social coordinators, encouraging their partners to reconnect with friends or organise group outings. This effort isn't just about fun; it's about fostering deeper, more supportive relationships for their partners.
Teaching social skills: Women frequently find themselves teaching men the basics of emotional intelligence: how to ask thoughtful questions, actively listen, and create meaningful connections.
For many women, these skills came naturally or were nurtured early in life, but men often miss out on this emotional development. But relationships shouldn't feel like a group project where one person does all the work.
Being someone's 'therapist with benefits' can be exhausting. Women are left feeling unappreciated, overburdened, and emotionally drained
Image: Alexander Mass /pexels
What women want
The solution isn't complicated. Women want partnerships that feel equal, supportive, and reciprocal. They want men to take responsibility for their emotional growth instead of outsourcing it to their partners.
This means: Building strong, independent social networks: Make an effort to build deep, meaningful connections with other men. Vulnerability isn't a weakness; it's a strength.
Seeking therapy or other avenues for emotional support: Therapy isn't just for people in crisis. It's a great way to process emotions and learn healthy coping mechanisms.
Developing emotional intelligence and communication skills: Emotional labour should never fall entirely on one partner. Check in with your significant other, ask how they're feeling, and offer support when they need it.
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