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IOL News
16-07-2025
- Entertainment
- IOL News
Rejection therapy: the surprising wellness hack that turns 'no' into your new best friend
Embracing rejection, the surprising self-help trend tackling social anxiety Image: cottonbro studio /pexels Someone wrote, 'If you're the kind of person who apologises to lamp posts or spends 20 minutes editing a text before sending it, you're not alone'. I have never felt so seen in my life. Social anxiety is a lot more common than we think, quietly shaping our daily choices from the texts we overthink to the opportunities we let pass us by. But what if the very thing we're most afraid of, rejection, could help us break free from anxiety's grip? Welcome to rejection therapy, the self-improvement trend taking over social media under the hashtag #rejectiontherapy. It's part challenge, part exposure, part emotional bootcamp and its core idea is as simple as it is radical: What if you got comfortable hearing 'no'? What is rejection therapy? Rejection therapy isn't a therapy in the clinical sense. It's a self-help game invented by Canadian entrepreneur Jason Comely in 2010, but it hit mainstream status thanks to Jia Jiang and his viral '100 Days of Rejection' challenge. Jiang's journey through a hundred awkward, bold, and sometimes hilarious rejections documented on his blog, TED Talk, and book resonated with millions. The rules are straightforward: Seek out one rejection every day. Whether it's asking for a discount on coffee, requesting a tour of a stranger's house, or pitching a wild idea at work, the point is to intentionally put yourself in situations where someone might say no. Why would anyone do this? Because, as Jiang and countless others have discovered, repeated exposure to 'no' can make rejection less scary. It's a form of exposure therapy, a well-established psychological practice used to gradually reduce fear by facing it head-on. 'Facing fears that aren't actually dangerous can help you overcome those fears,' says Dr Peter W. Tuerk, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist and professor at the University of Virginia. Though rejection therapy isn't therapy in a traditional clinical sense, it serves as a self-help game Image: Keira Burton /pexels While rejection therapy isn't an evidence-based intervention, the principle behind it is sound.' Why does rejection sting so much? The fear of rejection isn't just in your head; it's rooted in our biology. Our brains are wired to crave social acceptance. According to psychologist Dr Elisabeth Morray, VP of Clinical Operations at Alma, people may fear rejection for three main reasons: Past painful experiences: If you've been hurt by rejection before, you're more sensitive to it. Personality wiring: Some people naturally feel rejection more intensely. Perfectionism and people-pleasing: If you've learned that approval equals safety, rejection can feel almost dangerous. And yet, as Morray emphasises, avoiding rejection may actually shrink your world. 'The urge to avoid rejection can limit our choices and keep us from pursuing things we care about,' she says. The science (and limitations) behind rejection therapyWhile there's not yet a wealth of clinical trials specifically on rejection therapy, the underlying mechanism of exposure is well supported by research. A 2019 review published in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy found that exposure-based treatments are among the most effective for social anxiety disorders. But experts also caution that rejection therapy is not a substitute for mental health treatment, especially for those with severe anxiety. 'It's a self-help tool, not a clinical intervention,' Dr Tuerk notes. If your anxiety is overwhelming, seeking help from a licensed professional is always the best move. How to try rejection therapy (without completely freaking out) Ready to dip your toes in? Here are a few low-stakes, real-life #rejectiontherapy ideas: Ask for a discount at your favourite coffee shop just to see what happens. Request to make an announcement on a store intercom. Introduce yourself to someone at a party, even if it feels awkward. Apply for a job or opportunity you think you're underqualified for. Try a new class or hobby where you know no one. The goal isn't to rack up 'yeses', it's to practice hearing 'no' and realise you're still okay. What's the real payoff? You don't have to learn to love rejection to benefit from rejection therapy. Learning how to deal with rejection is about teaching your brain that it isn't the end of the world. As publicist and podcast host Alice Draper puts it, 'The stories we tell ourselves about rejection influence whether these failures fuel our ambition or stifle our growth.' Her podcast, "My Rejection Story", spotlights how even the most successful people have faced (and survived) plenty of 'no's'. Learning to tolerate rejection can make you braver, more resilient, and more willing to go after what you want in relationships, at work, or just in daily life. If your fear of rejection is keeping you from living fully, it might be time to experiment. Start small, stay safe, and remember: you're not alone. According to research in Current Opinion in Psychology, vulnerability and exposure to social risk are key ingredients for personal growth. Chances are, you'll discover it's not nearly as bad as your anxious brain would have you believe.
IOL News
03-07-2025
- Health
- IOL News
The age of distraction: why your focus takes a backseat in later life
Most age-related cognitive changes stem from a slower processing speed and diminished attention, not from memory loss itself. Image: cottonbro studio/pexels Ageing is a fact of life, but it comes with changes that many of us don't anticipate, like the subtle shifts in our ability to focus, learn and multitask. If you're in your 50s or 60s, you may have noticed moments where your brain feels slower or you struggle to recall something that once came effortlessly. It can feel frustrating and even unsettling. But here's the good news: these changes are natural and they're not necessarily signs of a deeper problem like Alzheimer's. Most age-related cognitive changes stem from a slower processing speed and diminished attention, not from memory loss itself. Your ability to reason, make decisions and form sound judgments remains as strong as ever. Video Player is loading. Play Video Play Unmute Current Time 0:00 / Duration -:- Loaded : 0% Stream Type LIVE Seek to live, currently behind live LIVE Remaining Time - 0:00 This is a modal window. Beginning of dialog window. Escape will cancel and close the window. Text Color White Black Red Green Blue Yellow Magenta Cyan Transparency Opaque Semi-Transparent Background Color Black White Red Green Blue Yellow Magenta Cyan Transparency Opaque Semi-Transparent Transparent Window Color Black White Red Green Blue Yellow Magenta Cyan Transparency Transparent Semi-Transparent Opaque Font Size 50% 75% 100% 125% 150% 175% 200% 300% 400% Text Edge Style None Raised Depressed Uniform Dropshadow Font Family Proportional Sans-Serif Monospace Sans-Serif Proportional Serif Monospace Serif Casual Script Small Caps Reset restore all settings to the default values Done Close Modal Dialog End of dialog window. Advertisement Video Player is loading. Play Video Play Unmute Current Time 0:00 / Duration -:- Loaded : 0% Stream Type LIVE Seek to live, currently behind live LIVE Remaining Time - 0:00 This is a modal window. Beginning of dialog window. Escape will cancel and close the window. Text Color White Black Red Green Blue Yellow Magenta Cyan Transparency Opaque Semi-Transparent Background Color Black White Red Green Blue Yellow Magenta Cyan Transparency Opaque Semi-Transparent Transparent Window Color Black White Red Green Blue Yellow Magenta Cyan Transparency Transparent Semi-Transparent Opaque Font Size 50% 75% 100% 125% 150% 175% 200% 300% 400% Text Edge Style None Raised Depressed Uniform Dropshadow Font Family Proportional Sans-Serif Monospace Sans-Serif Proportional Serif Monospace Serif Casual Script Small Caps Reset restore all settings to the default values Done Close Modal Dialog End of dialog window. Next Stay Close ✕ Let's explore why focus changes as we age, how it manifests, and what you can do to stay sharp. As the country observes Men's Mental Health Awareness Month, it's especially important to talk about the mental side of ageing, which includes changes in memory, focus, and emotional regulation. While these changes affect both men and women, they often go undiscussed, especially among older men who were raised to 'tough it out' and avoid showing vulnerability. But our ability to concentrate is not just about willpower; it's about how the brain itself evolves. Why does focus change with age? According to the National Institute on Aging, the brain's processing speed starts to decline in the 50s and 60s. Think of it like a once-speedy laptop that now takes a few extra seconds to open tabs or load apps. This 'slowing down' means that tasks requiring quick decisions, multitasking, or sustained attention may feel harder than they used to. According to Harvard Health, it's not that we forget how to focus; it's that we're managing more internal noise. Whether it's emotional distractions, hormonal changes or just years of accumulated mental load, focus becomes more complicated with age. For example, hearing loss, a common side effect of ageing, can make it harder to filter background noise in a conversation, so you have to work harder just to understand what's being said. That added effort drains focus from everything else. While these changes affect both men and women, they often go undiscussed, especially among older men who were raised to 'tough it out' and avoid showing vulnerability Image: Mikhail Nilov/pexels
IOL News
24-06-2025
- General
- IOL News
Why women are swiping left: the hidden costs of emotional labour in dating
Why women are opting out of dating: The emotional toll of "Mankeeping" Image: cottonbro studio /pexels The expectation in a relationship is that you are equals, but instead of being an equal partner, you've become a one-person support system. You're managing your partner's stress, decoding his moods, and shouldering his emotional baggage, all while juggling your own life. There's nothing wrong with this; you're in a relationship, but it shouldn't be a matter of mothering, mentoring, or therapistizing. This phenomenon, dubbed "mankeeping" by researchers, reflects a growing emotional imbalance in many heterosexual relationships. And for a lot of women, it's a dealbreaker. What is mankeeping? Coined by Stanford researchers and published in the "Psychology of Men and Masculinities" journal, mankeeping describes the emotional labour women take on to compensate for shrinking male social networks. This isn't about remembering anniversaries or organising date nights. It's about becoming your partner's emotional anchor. According to Angelica Ferrara, lead author of the study and postdoctoral scholar at Stanford's Clayman Institute for Gender Research, some women spend hours each week managing the emotional well-being of the men in their lives. Think of it as unpaid, invisible labour comforting, listening, and supporting, often without reciprocation. And as more men report fewer close friendships, women are increasingly stepping in to fill the gaps. The loneliness epidemic among men At the heart of mankeeping is a troubling reality: Men's social networks have been shrinking for decades. Studies show that men are less likely than women to form deep, emotionally supportive friendships. Instead, they often reserve their vulnerability for romantic partners. Melanie Hamlett captured this dynamic in her Harper's Bazaar article, 'Men have no friends, and women bear the burden'. Adding, 'American men, with their puffed-up chests, fist bumps, and awkward side hugs, grow up believing that they should not only behave like stoic robots in front of other men but that women are the only people they are allowed to turn to for emotional support.' This pattern starts young. Research shows that even as children, boys are less likely than girls to seek emotional support from their peers. Girls expect that confiding in friends will lead to understanding and comfort, while boys often fear it will feel 'weird' or pointless. This trend persists into adulthood, where many men struggle to form emotionally open friendships, leaving their romantic partners to shoulder the load. Studies show that men are less likely than women to form deep, emotionally supportive friendships. Instead, they often reserve their vulnerability for romantic partners. Image: Alex Green /pexels Why women are exhausted by dating men this way Being someone's 'therapist with benefits' can be exhausting. Women are left feeling unappreciated, overburdened, and emotionally drained. And when the dynamic isn't balanced, resentment can creep in. Many are choosing to opt out of dating altogether. According to Pew Research, only 38% of single women in the US are actively looking for a relationship, compared to 61% of single men. Women aren't rejecting love, they're rejecting the emotional imbalances that often come with it. According to Forbes, the author of the study, 'Vulnerability without boundaries can feel more like a burden than a breakthrough.' And this isn't about women being 'cold' or 'bitter.' It's about protecting their energy. For many, staying single feels like the healthier, less exhausting choice. Here's how emotional labour plays out in everyday life: Emotional support: Women often become the de facto emotional anchors in their relationships. They're the ones listening, checking in, and offering comfort when things get tough. Building social networks: Many women take on the role of social coordinators, encouraging their partners to reconnect with friends or organise group outings. This effort isn't just about fun; it's about fostering deeper, more supportive relationships for their partners. Teaching social skills: Women frequently find themselves teaching men the basics of emotional intelligence: how to ask thoughtful questions, actively listen, and create meaningful connections. For many women, these skills came naturally or were nurtured early in life, but men often miss out on this emotional development. But relationships shouldn't feel like a group project where one person does all the work. Being someone's 'therapist with benefits' can be exhausting. Women are left feeling unappreciated, overburdened, and emotionally drained Image: Alexander Mass /pexels What women want The solution isn't complicated. Women want partnerships that feel equal, supportive, and reciprocal. They want men to take responsibility for their emotional growth instead of outsourcing it to their partners. This means: Building strong, independent social networks: Make an effort to build deep, meaningful connections with other men. Vulnerability isn't a weakness; it's a strength. Seeking therapy or other avenues for emotional support: Therapy isn't just for people in crisis. It's a great way to process emotions and learn healthy coping mechanisms. Developing emotional intelligence and communication skills: Emotional labour should never fall entirely on one partner. Check in with your significant other, ask how they're feeling, and offer support when they need it.
IOL News
23-06-2025
- General
- IOL News
10 phrases to avoid when comforting someone in grief
Things people say to those grieving that are meant to comfort but do the opposite. Image: cottonbro studio /pexels Grief is never straightforward. It's messy, painful and deeply personal. Whether you've lost a loved one, gone through a breakup, suffered a miscarriage or even lost your job or health, the grief that follows can feel like the ground has been ripped out from under you. Our families and community are everything, grief often unfolds in the public eye during funerals, memorials and in conversations with neighbours. Yet even in our warm, well-meaning communities, people often say the wrong thing, unintentionally making the pain worse. 'At least she lived a long life.' Let's pause right there. This, and other similar phrases, are often said to comfort. But more often than not, they miss the mark. As grief expert, David Kessler, co-author of "On Grief and Grieving" with the late Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, explains: 'Any sentence that begins with: 'At least…' is minimising someone's pain.' Understanding grief We often associate grief with the death of a loved one and rightfully so, because death brings the sharpest kind of pain. But grief also shows up in less obvious ways: divorce, estranged family, infertility, illness, a friend moving away, losing a beloved pet or being retrenched. These are all emotional gut punches that can knock the wind out of us. Grief is not just about who we lost, it's about what that person or thing meant to us. Even if you don't understand someone's grief, you can respect it. In a recent roundtable discussion posted on Instagram with other grief counsellors, Kessler shared some of the most hurtful things people commonly say to those who are grieving - things meant to comfort but often do the opposite. 10 Worst things to say to someone who's grieving Video Player is loading. Play Video Play Unmute Current Time 0:00 / Duration -:- Loaded : 0% Stream Type LIVE Seek to live, currently behind live LIVE Remaining Time - 0:00 This is a modal window. Beginning of dialog window. Escape will cancel and close the window. Text Color White Black Red Green Blue Yellow Magenta Cyan Transparency Opaque Semi-Transparent Background Color Black White Red Green Blue Yellow Magenta Cyan Transparency Opaque Semi-Transparent Transparent Window Color Black White Red Green Blue Yellow Magenta Cyan Transparency Transparent Semi-Transparent Opaque Font Size 50% 75% 100% 125% 150% 175% 200% 300% 400% Text Edge Style None Raised Depressed Uniform Dropshadow Font Family Proportional Sans-Serif Monospace Sans-Serif Proportional Serif Monospace Serif Casual Script Small Caps Reset restore all settings to the default values Done Close Modal Dialog End of dialog window. Advertisement Next Stay Close ✕ Ad loading 1. 'At least she lived a long life.' This might sound comforting, but it completely minimises the loss. Whether someone was six or 96, they mattered. 2. 'At least you can get remarried.' As if people are replaceable. 3. 'At least you can have another baby.' Children aren't interchangeable, and this statement often deepens the wound. 4. 'He's in a better place.' That may align with some beliefs, but many grievers feel the best place for their loved ones is with them. 5. 'She brought this on herself.' Blaming the deceased (or the person grieving) helps no one and adds guilt to already unbearable pain. 6. 'There's a reason for everything.' This can feel hollow and invalidating, especially in the early stages of grief. 7. 'Aren't you over him yet?' Grief has no timeline. There's no expiry date on love. 8. 'You're young, you'll move on." Age doesn't make loss any less painful. 9. 'God wanted her more.' Spiritual and religious beliefs are deeply personal. This can feel like a cruel explanation for something senseless. 10. 'I know how you feel.' Unless you've experienced exactly the same situation (and even then), you don't. Each person's grief is different. None of these statements truly help. In fact, many of them are loaded with judgement, dismissal or false hope. They can make someone feel isolated as if grief has an expiry date or that it should be tidy. So, what can you say instead? Grief is a measure of love. And that deserves space and grace. Image: cottonbro studio /pexels According to the website, a mental health resource, support doesn't have to come with the perfect words. It's your presence that counts. But if you do want to speak, keep it simple and heartfelt: 'I'm so sorry for your loss.' 'I don't know what to say, but I'm here for you.' 'My heart breaks for you.' 'Would you like to talk about them?' 'I'm here to sit with you. No pressure to talk.' Sometimes silence and just being present is the most comforting thing you can offer. Most importantly, support is not just for the first week. The weeks and months after the funeral can feel lonelier, especially when everyone else returns to their routines. A quick 'thinking of you' text, checking in after a month, or offering to help with small tasks (like groceries or lifts to therapy) can go a long way. Grief doesn't just affect the heart - it takes a toll on the body too. You may find it hard to sleep, eat, or concentrate. You might feel exhausted all the time, or even experience chest tightness and headaches. This is normal. Grief is a full-body experience. If you're grieving, know this: there is no timeline and no right way to do it. What's important is finding what helps you process - whether that's journalling, prayer, talking to a friend or simply resting. Grief is a measure of love. And that deserves space and grace. Support If you or someone you know is struggling with grief, contact SADAG (South African Depression and Anxiety Group) at 0800 456 789 help is free and available 24/7.
