Some people can wear white clothes. I am very much not one of them
Once, I splashed mud all the way up the back of a skirt she'd given me while she was cycling behind me, saying, 'We've really got to get you some mudguards if you want to wear white.' Once, I got Tabasco sauce on her white bra, which was fine because who would see it? And yet, not fine, because how do you get sauce on your bra? Once, I spilled espresso down a white shirt, and that ain't never coming out – but it actually wasn't hers, it was her mother's, so I'd trashed three decades of spotlessness in a moment.
Once, I was wearing another of her white shirts, and my sister said: 'Where did you get that? It looks expensive.' I said: 'Yes, I think it was expensive originally, but the resale price was more than fair.' And she said: 'You're going to get something on it – why not spare yourself the misery and give it straight to me?'
Once, I only remembered that you don't wear white jeans to a festival when I was already at the festival. And many more times than once, I've leaked vape juice into my pocket; theoretically it's colourless but in reality it's a category A stain event.
My friend just has to watch this unfold, knowing that some people are simply not built to wear white, powerless to come between me and mishap. I wish I could find some low-key way to apologise.
Zoe Williams is a Guardian columnist
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