My brother stole $100K from my mom to buy bitcoin. Do I convince her to sue him?

Yahoo

2 days ago

I am so glad there is a place to send my thorny question. I am a longtime reader and have learned a lot from you, especially that with good planning you can avoid lots of heartache and family stress. Unfortunately, while I like to look ahead, the rest of my family are not planners. Any advice you can give me would be greatly appreciated.
Here is the background. I am the oldest of two children. My brother lives in California, I live in Washington and our parents are in Utah. They are in their early 70s and have not yet made a will. My dad would like an attorney's office to be the estate executor because my brother and I do not live nearby, and for other reasons.
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My brother treats my parents like his employees, telling them what to do and how to do it. When my mom inherited money from her family about four years ago, he convinced her to put the money into an account with a high interest rate. He also convinced her to put some in bitcoin. My mother is not an educated woman and just went along with it.
A few months later when she logged in to check her balance, the account was empty. My brother had transferred $100,000 into bitcoin BTCUSD without telling her. He had her passwords because he had helped to set up the account originally. She was furious and demanded her money back, but he convinced her to wait a few years.
When I told my mom it was a good time to pull her money out of bitcoin, she confessed that my brother had put her money into his own bitcoin account. She acknowledges that he stole from her, but she refuses to do anything about it. She says that in the will, I will get $100,000 more, but I don't care about that.
My parents' life revolves around him. Anytime my brother needs 'help' they will drop everything and drive to California to help with his dogs or his daughter, who he has no time to raise. My parents just don't want to fight with him, and so I don't think they'll ever bring up the bitcoin. They say they're almost 'even' now because my brother gave them his old cars.
Those cars were worth maybe $60,000 combined, but my parents had perfectly good cars to begin with. I tried to explain to them that a car is not cash; its value depreciates. I wouldn't be so upset except that I worry that my parents don't have enough for retirement. Also, my brother still hasn't signed over the titles for the cars because he's too 'busy and stressed right now.'
Because he is so manipulative, I also worry about them getting older. I would like to have a power of attorney for them, but I think my brother could convince them to put him in charge. This is clearly a family issue more than a money issue, but I would still like to avoid any money problems if possible. My mom already doesn't like to talk about it.
I would like to suggest to my parents that instead of leaving their money to my brother and me, she could set up a trust for each of her three grandkids for college. Their house, which is paid off, is worth $550,000. They started retirement a year ago with $300,000 in cash (I don't know if that was after my brother took $100,000) and they have Social Security and a 401(k).
What should I do now?
Daughter/Sister
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I agree with both you and your mother, even if your approaches may differ.
Your mom knows more than you probably realize. She knows your brother is a ne'er-do-well. But she still loves him. She knows that he stole $100,000 from her and invested it in a bitcoin account in his name only even though he was purporting to do her a favor. But she still loves him. She knows he will continue his shenanigans ad nauseum. But she still loves him.
The bar is obviously a lot higher for you, as you also know the cut of your brother's jib, and you've been witnessing it for more years than you care to remember. You don't like your brother and you don't appreciate how he continues to exploit and cheat your parents. He is not your child, so you're not as willing to let things slide. That's also fair enough.
But your mother is older than you and she doesn't want to get involved in a protracted legal drama with your brother and publicly humiliate him. I'm sure plenty of people are aware of how he operates, and he suffers the consequences of that. The risk to her mental health and the time it would take from her life is not worth the reward, if there was a reward.
The first thing she should do now is make sure all her passwords are changed on her accounts, and alert her bank to the risk of further embezzlement, so they can monitor her account. Banks have, for the most part, gotten wise to phishing scams and financial abuse, and take note when older people move to make large withdrawals from their accounts.
You could also suggest that your parents freeze their credit with the three major credit bureaus — Experian, TransUnion and Equifax — in case your brother decides to take out a loan in your parents' names. If he is embarking on a new business venture, it wouldn't do any harm to mark their cards that, given his track record, he may come calling should debtors come knocking on his door.
I support your endeavor to have a durable power of attorney for your parents so you can manage their affairs if they become incapacitated, along with a healthcare directive to make medical decisions for them. They can also consider options such as a do-not-resuscitate order, if they don't wish to have life-sustaining measures taken if their heart stops or they stop breathing. These are all good questions to raise.
Your challenge, as many children of aging parents well know, is how far, how long and how hard to push for these protections. Your mother and father are already dealing with one willful child, and they may see more pressure — even from a responsible, loving and supportive daughter — as unwelcome. You can plant a seed, but you can't get them to water it.
In the meantime, act as an invisible gatekeeper. If your brother plans to visit your parents, organize a trip for yourself at the same time. Make sure your parents' mobile phones are secure and that they don't leave passwords or important documents lying around. Make sure their will (and copies of it) are kept in a safe place, in addition to at their lawyer's office.
Stay vigilant. If you suspect that your brother is engaging in elder abuse — emotional, physical, psychological or financial — you can report his actions to adult protective services, or call 911 and local law-enforcement authorities or your district attorney's office. But even if you did report this $100,000 theft, it sounds like your mother would not press charges.
Call and visit as often as you can. They will need oversight.
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