Elizabeth Day Tried Everything to Get Pregnant. After 12 Years, She Stopped — and Found Meaning in Failure (Exclusive)
The 46-year-old British podcaster and novelist, who hosts the podcast How to Fail with Elizabeth Day, says she always knew she wanted to have kids. Growing up in a heteronormative family with two sisters and two parents, Day believed she was going to be a mother from the very beginning.
"I don't think I ever questioned the fact that I would have children," she tells PEOPLE.
Never miss a story — sign up for to stay up-to-date on the best of what PEOPLE has to offer, from celebrity news to compelling human interest stories.
Day, who grew up attending an all-girls school, explains that she went on birth control when she became sexually active and was on the pill for 14 years before she stopped taking it after getting married to her first husband.
"I thought, because there is this idea that if you come off the pill, there's this sort of fertility boost sometimes and you can get pregnant at the drop of a hat," Day says. "And so I thought that might happen, but actually it didn't happen at all. And that's when I started exploring whether there was something awry."
Day spent two years trying to get pregnant with her ex-husband before she decided to see a doctor, a time period which she calls a "very lonely experience." Ultimately, she was told she had "unexplained infertility."
"[It's] a deeply unhelpful diagnosis because there's no explanation, so no one's quite sure how to treat it, so they just throw stuff at a wall and see what sticks," she explains.
The doctors also told her she had a bicornuate uterus which, according to The Cleveland Clinic, is an irregularly shaped uterus that appears to be heart-shaped and can often cause complications with pregnancy.
However, throughout all her meetings and appointments with "almost exclusively male clinicians," Day just kept feeling frustrated. She shares that she began to realize that women's medicine is "under-explored, underfunded and under-researched."
"So very often when I asked for an explanation, I was told that I was the one who was failing," Day says. "So the language of infertility is very much the language of failure, which is partly why I'm so interested in exploring failure through my podcast is because of these experiences."
"It puts the onus on women, and it is very often women who feel that — particularly if you are a kind of type A perfectionist, which I think I was — and you are used to putting in the work and hopefully getting the results, this is something that you cannot possibly control by being quote unquote, 'a good girl.' And I found that really difficult on top of all of the hormones."
She was then advised to try in vitro fertilization (IVF), which she started during the beginning of 2014. After two rounds of IVF, Day was again unsuccessful in getting pregnant after transferring an embryo.
"And again, there was no explanation for that. So I turned the sense of failure inwards, and it was actually talking to a friend of mine that really helped me kind of recategorize that experience," she explains. "And I told her I was failing to respond to the drugs, and she said, 'Maybe you're not failing to respond to the drugs. Maybe they're failing you.'"
Describing that chat as a "lightbulb moment," Day says reframing the way she thought about failure changed how she saw the experience of fertility medicine. She took a break from IVF and ended up getting pregnant naturally, but had the first of three miscarriages at the end of the year in 2014.
"2014 was a really intense year, partly because as anyone who has done fertility treatment will know, it's like having another job," Day explains. "There are so many scans that you have to go to. There's so many drugs that you have to take. There's so much measuring and prodding that happens and you are constantly living with this state of ambivalence and ambiguity because it might work, but it might not. And you need to carry both ideas."
She explains that even getting something like a positive pregnancy test, which is often a very happy thing for couples, carries weight to it when you're going through miscarriages and fertility treatments.
"There's this really difficult tension between all of your feelings because on the one side, you know you should feel uncomplicatedly ecstatic," Day says. "But on the other side, you know how fragile it can be. And if you've had a miscarriage, it robs you of any experience of a relaxed pregnancy."
"Now that I've had three miscarriages, I also understand that it's a very nuanced type of grief because you are grieving an absence, but you are also grieving the dreams you had of a presence," she continues. "And that's a really hard thing to cope with."
After a tough year, Day divorced from her first husband in 2015. She went on to freeze her eggs and unfortunately did not retrieve that many since she again was told she "failed to respond to drugs properly."
When she was about to turn 40, Day met her now-husband on Hinge. She thought there wasn't much hope at getting pregnant since she was now older and her husband was 44, but she did end up getting pregnant naturally just after her 41st birthday. When that pregnancy also ended in miscarriage, Day says it showed herself and her partner how much they really wanted to have a baby.
The two embarked on their own fertility journey, which ended with trying egg donation. Day explains that she felt like she was at an age where she would prefer to have a healthy egg that produces a viable embryo, rather than try using her own eggs. After a year of finding a donor and adjusting her lifestyle, she traveled to Los Angeles just after Christmas in 2022 for the embryo transfer. And it did not take.
"Again, you are pitched into this devastating realization that there is no explanation that even when you do everything you are meant to do, sometimes it just doesn't happen," Day says. "And that was one of the lowest points of my life."
"Looking back, that's over two years ago now, and I could never have imagined that I would be here, which is fully at peace with a life without biological children," she shares. "And the reason I am at peace with it, I had to confront some dark things. I had to ask myself some honest questions. But ultimately, it came down to the idea that maybe it's not my path in this lifetime to be a mother in the conventional sense."
Day notes that she's lucky enough to have three step kids, two nieces and 13 godchildren. "I'm very blessed in that respect, and I'm very aware that there are so many different ways to show up in a parenting role in this world," she adds.
She goes on to say that although the entire infertility journey is a very difficult one, she has learned something meaningful about herself, about love and about life. "It's my firm belief that actually going through the fertility struggles is an act of parenting," Day says.
"That's what you're doing. You are parenting your child, you are living your life for your children, giving them existence," she continues. "And that's an extraordinary thing that you are doing, and you are so strong to be doing it."
Day explains that while she was in the thick of trying to get pregnant, the thought of giving up was one she couldn't comprehend.
"I thought [not having children] would mean my life wouldn't have meaning that I would be left behind and that I would feel something so fundamentally lacking," she shares. "I promise you that there is so much peace and fulfillment on the other side of it and so many opportunities to create meaning."
"I think ultimately for me, part of my journey has been realizing how much I need to parent myself. And I think that's a struggle that many of us have," Day says "And so actually part of my parenting now is understanding what I need and that it's not a failure to meet those needs. And nor is it selfish. It's actually a really necessary part of being human."
The podcaster goes on to explain that she's found meaning and a real sense of community by doing her podcast, which explores this topic of failure.
"So I just want to say that to the person who is walking that path right now, there will be a way that you can find meaning again if it's not conventional parenting, and if it is and you do end up with a baby in your arms, I'm so so happy for you, and that is your path," Day says.
"And I realize now that it's not mine."
Read the original article on People
Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles
Yahoo
2 hours ago
- Yahoo
All the benefits of having a G&T over a glass of wine
If you're going to indulge in a drink or two, whether on holiday or in a pub garden, a gin and tonic could be the best option for your health. As a registered nutritionist, Sophie Trotman is bound to repeat the words that we are all so used to hearing: 'I would always recommend that you don't drink at all, or at least lower the amount that you drink,' she says. 'Wines can be quite sugary and contain a lot of sulphates,' Trotman says, which can wreak havoc on your digestive system, while beers 'are high in carbohydrates' and can cause your blood sugar to spike. The heroic G&T, meanwhile, is a drink that 'I often recommend to my clients if they don't want to cut out alcohol entirely,' says Trotman. 'The calories and sugar in a single gin with a light tonic are as low as you're going to get.' This will be welcome news to many. The majority of people in Britain now prefer to drink gin and tonic with friends rather than cups of builders' tea, according to spirit brand Bacardi's cocktail trend report, and the UK constitutes the world's biggest market for gin. So what are the benefits of swapping your regular pint or glass of wine for a G&T? The health benefits of a G&T 1. Fewer calories than beer and wine One shot of gin will provide you with around 50 calories, compared with about 130 calories in a medium glass of red or white wine or the 200-300 calories in a pint of beer. A 200ml serving of light tonic to mix your drink will come in at around 30 calories, keeping a health-conscious G&T under 100 calories to a glass. The average British man drinks 17.6 units of alcohol every week, according to NHS data, the equivalent of eight to nine pints of lager (with beer still being the drink consumed most frequently by men in the UK). Drinking the same number of single-measure G&Ts each week – though it is not recommended that any adult consumes more than 14 units of alcohol in this timeframe – would mean cutting around 900 'empty' calories from your diet and losing a stone within a year. Meanwhile, women who switch from the average nine units or four medium glasses of wine per week to single G&Ts would drink 120 fewer calories. This might not sound like much, but tweaks like this can make all the difference in limiting your party-season weight gain. At this time of year when the units we consume will likely outpace our average for the year, 'a gin and tonic is definitely a better option to manage your weight,' Trotman says. 2. Less sugar and carbs than other contenders A single shot of gin contains zero grams of sugar, as well as no carbohydrates. This is one of the reasons that gin is often the drink of those on a ketogenic diet, as it is less likely to knock your body out of its fat-burning state (though all alcohol will make it harder for your liver to process food). Aside from leading to weight gain, drinking any beverage that has a high carbohydrate content – like lager, with 10-15 grams of carbs to a pint, or cider which has as much as 40 grams a glass – can cause uncomfortable bloating and an upset stomach. A no-carb drink such as gin 'will have less of an impact on your blood sugar levels too,' Trotman says, another factor that makes it a better option for keeping your waistline static (and making sure that you've still got some energy the morning after). And while vodkas and rums typically come mixed in fizzy, sugary drinks, the sugar in a slimline tonic typically comes in at around 7.6 grams per 200ml glass, compared with the 21.2g in 200ml of full-fat Coca Cola. Light rather than diet tonic is ideal with your gin as 'diet tonic will be full of artificial sweeteners that can worsen your health in the long term,' Trotman says. 'So if you're having a few, always opt for a light version and a single shot.' 3. A boost from juniper berries and garnishes Gin is made by brewing a neutral-tasting grain with juniper berries and other botanicals such as lemon peel, coriander seeds, cardamom or thyme. Juniper berries contain flavonoids as well as large amounts of vitamin C, which can improve circulation and help ward off colds, and antioxidants which promote skin regeneration. These berries can also speed up your digestive system and soothe inflammation. While the amount of these goodies left over in a single serving of gin is likely 'negligible', Trotman says, gin can also be infused with ingredients that up its health benefits: some kinds on the market have been paired with large volumes of fruit juice for added vitamin C, while some have been specifically blended to provide micronutrients as well as collagen. Others are brewed with extra juniper berries. G&Ts are also easy to make and serve creatively. A quick health tip is just to 'eat the slice of orange that comes with your drink, because every little does help,' Trotman says, or at home 'you could mix in some cranberry juice for antioxidants or add some blueberries for helpful polyphenols'. 4. Easier to drink in moderation The versatility of a gin and tonic is a major reason why Sophie Trotman recommends it to her clients. Along with a light tonic, 'you can add a lot of ice to make it a long drink that you're able to keep sipping over a longer period,' reducing the total amount of alcohol you drink in the course of an evening. The reduced sugar and artificial sweeteners involved meanwhile will make it easier to stop at just a few, turning down the dial on your cravings and helping you to call it a night earlier. Unlike wine, the leftover bottle of which can call from the fridge on a Monday evening, a G&T takes more effort to make and so it becomes 'easier to have days off,' Trotman says. 'It's also very easy to alternate your G&Ts with glasses of water, which you'll thank yourself for the next day,' Trotman says. For those looking to cut down there are other benefits too. 'It shouldn't be a concern, but if you start on G&Ts and switch to a non-alcoholic version later in the night, there will be no label on your glass and so no peer pressure from anyone else to keep going.' Broaden your horizons with award-winning British journalism. Try The Telegraph free for 1 month with unlimited access to our award-winning website, exclusive app, money-saving offers and more.
Associated Press
6 hours ago
- Associated Press
Two London pubs, both alike in riverside locality, keep a civil grudge over which is more ancient
LONDON (AP) — On a charming cobblestone street tucked away in London's East End, a pub proudly hangs out a sign that reads 'Oldest riverside pub in London.' Across the Thames River, a pub with a different name makes the same bold claim. The unofficial title of the oldest riverside pub in the city has long been disputed, with both the Mayflower and the Prospect of Whitby laying claim to the title. The two contenders can be found along a quiet stretch of the Thames, far from the city's crowded souvenir shops and tourist sites, serving up traditional British dishes — from steak and ale pie to sticky toffee pudding — with a side of history. The Mayflower is named after the Pilgrim Mayflower ship, which set sail from the site in 1620 to begin its journey to America. Though it only got its name in 1957, it is said to have some of the ship's original timbers incorporated into its structure. Today, pubgoers who can prove direct descent from one of the Mayflower passengers can sign its 'Descendants Book.' Escaping the skyscrapers Every night, tourists step out of black cabs at the doors of the two pubs, trading the capital's modern skyscrapers for the storied streets of London's East End, lined with quaint terraced houses and red brick warehouses. In both pubs they enter spaces where old paintings hanging on dark paneled walls and other mementos of their histories seem to leave the contemporary world behind. 'There really is a feeling that you might have stepped back in time and could be drinking beer with sailors or pirates or anybody from any Dickens novels really,' said Emily Godwin, a Londoner who has been to both. She spoke while sipping a pint of lager with friends at the Prospect on a recent summer evening. The Prospect boasts a pewter bar – the longest of its kind in Britain — where the infamous 'Hanging Judge Jeffreys' is said to have watched the many hangings that took place at the nearby 'Execution Dock.' Early on, the pub was known as the Devil's Tavern due to its association with thieves and smugglers. A hanging noose outside serves as a reminder of the pub's grisly history. It 'feels like such a pocket of history in London,' Godwin said. 'So much of London's East End feels very new and trendy, and the Prospect feels like it's barely changed.' Challenging times for the pub industry British pubs have always been at the center of social life, with locals coming together over a pint, even in times of war and economic hardship. But the last five years have been challenging for the industry as pubs contended with the COVID-19 pandemic and rising costs. This year an estimated 378 venues are set to shutter across England, Wales, and Scotland, according to the British Beer and Pub Association. 'When a pub closes, it puts people out of a job, deprives communities of their heart and soul and hurts the local economy,' said Emma McClarkin, head of the BBPA. Pubs across the country have been forced to find new ways to attract customers. History is a big draw for pubgoers, with a trip to a traditional British pub coming in high on tourists' London bucket lists, raising the stakes of the Prospect and the Mayflower's competition. A 'loving rivalry' The Prospect claims it was established in 1520, with its original flagstone surviving an arson attack in 1666 — the same year as the Great Fire of London. The pub was outside of the city limits at that time and was not affected by the conflagration that gutted the medieval city. Justin Billington, assistant manager at the Prospect, said some people date the pub to its full reconstruction in 1774 after the 1666 fire. But he doesn't see it that way, noting that it operated continuously. The day after the fire, the workers rolled out a barrel of beer that had survived the flames and locals showed up with their tankards, drinking vessels, and enjoyed a drink on the spot. There were several reconstructions in the pub's subsequent history, but none withstood the salt water and shifting foundations of the Thames, Billington explained. Not, that is, until 1774 when the retired captain of a merchant ship called 'The Prospect' rebuilt it using the ship. 'This rebuild held and continues to hold on for dear life,' he said. If the pub was actually established in 1774, that would make the Mayflower — established in the 16th century — older. But there are no hard feelings between the pubs as Billington described their competition as a 'loving rivalry.' 'We compete against each other to be the oldest, and to serve the best food and drink,' he said. The search for the oldest pub in London But the question remains: How can either pub definitively claim the title? Unlike the title of the 'Oldest pub in England,' held by the Porch House in southern England, which is said to date to the 10th century, there is no official certification for the oldest pub in London. Guinness World Records said it has not formally awarded the title because of the complexities created by numerous name changes, relocations and reconstructions. 'There are lots of very old pubs that might make a claim to being oldest, but it could be contested because it could be argued they weren't always in 'London,'' English historian and author Jacob Field said. 'Many pubs have changed name over time, making it hard to claim they are the oldest.'
14 hours ago
Two pubs claim to be London's oldest riverside pub. Which one is right?
LONDON -- On a charming cobblestone street tucked away in London's East End, a pub proudly hangs out a sign that reads 'Oldest riverside pub in London.' Across the Thames River, a pub with a different name makes the same bold claim. The unofficial title of the oldest riverside pub in the city has long been disputed, with both the Mayflower and the Prospect of Whitby laying claim to the title. The two contenders can be found along a quiet stretch of the Thames, far from the city's crowded souvenir shops and tourist sites, serving up traditional British dishes — from steak and ale pie to sticky toffee pudding — with a side of history. The Mayflower is named after the Pilgrim Mayflower ship, which set sail from the site in 1620 to begin its journey to America. Though it only got its name in 1957, it is said to have some of the ship's original timbers incorporated into its structure. Today, pubgoers who can prove direct descent from one of the Mayflower passengers can sign its 'Descendants Book.' Every night, tourists step out of black cabs at the doors of the two pubs, trading the capital's modern skyscrapers for the storied streets of London's East End, lined with quaint terraced houses and red brick warehouses. In both pubs they enter spaces where old paintings hanging on dark paneled walls and other mementos of their histories seem to leave the contemporary world behind. 'There really is a feeling that you might have stepped back in time and could be drinking beer with sailors or pirates or anybody from any Dickens novels really," said Emily Godwin, a Londoner who has been to both. She spoke while sipping a pint of lager with friends at the Prospect on a recent summer evening. The Prospect boasts a pewter bar – the longest of its kind in Britain — where the infamous 'Hanging Judge Jeffreys' is said to have watched the many hangings that took place at the nearby 'Execution Dock.' Early on, the pub was known as the Devil's Tavern due to its association with thieves and smugglers. A hanging noose outside serves as a reminder of the pub's grisly history. It 'feels like such a pocket of history in London,' Godwin said. 'So much of London's East End feels very new and trendy, and the Prospect feels like it's barely changed.' British pubs have always been at the center of social life, with locals coming together over a pint, even in times of war and economic hardship. But the last five years have been challenging for the industry as pubs contended with the COVID-19 pandemic and rising costs. This year an estimated 378 venues are set to shutter across England, Wales, and Scotland, according to the British Beer and Pub Association. 'When a pub closes, it puts people out of a job, deprives communities of their heart and soul and hurts the local economy,' said Emma McClarkin, head of the BBPA. Pubs across the country have been forced to find new ways to attract customers. History is a big draw for pubgoers, with a trip to a traditional British pub coming in high on tourists' London bucket lists, raising the stakes of the Prospect and the Mayflower's competition. The Prospect claims it was established in 1520, with its original flagstone surviving an arson attack in 1666 — the same year as the Great Fire of London. The pub was outside of the city limits at that time and was not affected by the conflagration that gutted the medieval city. Justin Billington, assistant manager at the Prospect, said some people date the pub to its full reconstruction in 1774 after the 1666 fire. But he doesn't see it that way, noting that it operated continuously. The day after the fire, the workers rolled out a barrel of beer that had survived the flames and locals showed up with their tankards, drinking vessels, and enjoyed a drink on the spot. There were several reconstructions in the pub's subsequent history, but none withstood the salt water and shifting foundations of the Thames, Billington explained. Not, that is, until 1774 when the retired captain of a merchant ship called 'The Prospect' rebuilt it using the ship. 'This rebuild held and continues to hold on for dear life," he said. If the pub was actually established in 1774, that would make the Mayflower — established in the 16th century — older. But there are no hard feelings between the pubs as Billington described their competition as a 'loving rivalry.' 'We compete against each other to be the oldest, and to serve the best food and drink,' he said. But the question remains: How can either pub definitively claim the title? Unlike the title of the 'Oldest pub in England,' held by the Porch House in southern England, which is said to date to the 10th century, there is no official certification for the oldest pub in London. Guinness World Records said it has not formally awarded the title because of the complexities created by numerous name changes, relocations and reconstructions. 'There are lots of very old pubs that might make a claim to being oldest, but it could be contested because it could be argued they weren't always in 'London,'' English historian and author Jacob Field said. 'Many pubs have changed name over time, making it hard to claim they are the oldest."
