I went through boyfriend's phone and found explicit texts to another woman – how do I regain trust in him?

The Sun

15 hours ago

DEAR DEIDRE: ONE question confirmed what my instincts had told me about my boyfriend – that something was off.
Completely out of the blue, he asked if I would ever be in an open relationship.
When I questioned why he'd asked me, he claimed he had seen something on social media and wondered what I thought about it.
Suspicious, I asked to check his phone, and he immediately became defensive.
I am 33 and my boyfriend is 35. We have been together for 12 years and have two children, who are aged ten and nine.
A couple of days after he'd asked me about an open relationship, I finally had the opportunity to go through his phone — and found explicit texts sent to another woman.
He had clearly met up with her but when I confronted him, he said it had been so brief, it was hardly worth mentioning.
Now I'm questioning everything.
He won't take responsibility for anything and when I pushed for more answers, he got up and went to a friend's house for the evening.
He obviously went to delete all the evidence, which was on social media. When he came home all the messages had disappeared.
But he had forgotten to purge his email and I found he had also signed up to a dating site.
I created a fake profile and found his. It stated he lived in a shared house and implied he was single.
While I am trying my best to get past this and build trust, because he has deleted everything, there is more to this than meets the eye.
His betrayal has really hurt me. I am struggling to move past this.
How do I regain trust in him?
DEIDRE SAYS: Discovering that your partner has cheated can feel like your world has imploded.
He is trying to downplay his betrayal but don't let him off the hook.
This has deeply hurt you and unless he faces up to his disloyal behaviour, it will be impossible for you to genuinely move on.
You still love him, so tell him how you feel and ask him to work on your relationship together. My support pack Cheating, Can you Get Over It? can help.
Couple's counselling would also be very helpful but he has to be open and honest about what he did in order for you to be able to move on.
Find a counsellor at Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org, 020 7380 1975).
IT'S SO HARD TO COPE WITH DAUGHTER'S MELTDOWNS
DEAR DEIDRE: My daughter is showing signs of autism and is on a waiting list to be assessed.
I am struggling to cope with the angry outbursts which happen randomly.
I am her 35-year-old mum and she is ten. Recently I took her to the doctor, who suggested she might be autistic.
This came like a bolt out of the blue.
She has had a few behavioural problems, but it didn't really cross my mind that she might be autistic.
I love her but sometimes I feel so helpless. My partner, her dad, left us when my daughter was five.
When she has a meltdown I struggle because I can't get through to her at all.
She can be so difficult, but she is OK at school. My parents work and live miles away.
The lack of sleep is making me impatient, and I feel so guilty and a failure.
DEIDRE SAYS: You're not a failure. You're doing your best.
A diagnosis of autism can come as a shock to most parents at first, and as a single parent you will feel particularly alone, with no one to share it with.
When she has a meltdown, stay calm and keep her safe.
You can't always prevent meltdowns but letting her wear headphones to listen to calming music, turning down lights, and distraction techniques such as focus toys, may help her.
Also, see the National Autistic Society's website for information and support (autism.org.uk).
I PICKED WRONG EX, NOW I'M ALONE
DEAR DEIDRE: LEAVING my girlfriend to get back with my ex-wife has backfired.
When I arrived on her doorstep, my ex-wife's face fell and she bluntly told me she had 'company'.
She told me there is no chance for us in her mind.
I'm 59, she is 57 and we have got two grown-up sons. We grew apart and got into a rut.
When I split up with her originally, she was very upset but I stuck to my guns.
I moved on quickly and met my girlfriend. She's 54. Things were great between us.
But one day we'd both had too much to drink and had a silly fall-out. She kept going on that I still loved my ex-wife. I think I started to believe it.
Still, I was so annoyed with my then girlfriend I didn't even bother to try to put things right. Eventually she told me I had given her no choice but to end our relationship.
Now my ex-wife won't even have me. I feel like a total fool.
DEIDRE SAYS: Being rejected is painful but your ex sounds as though her mind is made up.
If she's unwilling to mend things, it's best you try to move on. When either relationship hit challenges you were quick to walk away.
If you are going to build a healthy relationship in the future it's important to learn to work through differences.
That way you learn from each other. My pack Mend Your Broken Heart will help.
DRINKING HABIT RUINING MY LIFE
DEAR DEIDRE: WHILE I am not dependent on alcohol, I go on binges that can last up to four days at a time. During them, I don't eat or look after myself.
I have been like this since I was 20. I am 35 now.
Not a weekend goes by where I don't get completely obliterated with cider or wine.
I drink to the point where I black out and have big memory-loss gaps. It is destroying both my physical and mental health.
After saying some nasty things to my family while drunk, I have fallen out with them.
Despite the fact I didn't mean any of it, they won't forgive me. I am feeling so isolated. Recently I moved to the north of England from Wales and don't know anyone, so I drink to try to make myself feel better and to numb how I am feeling.
As I am relatively new to this area, I don't have a GP I can discuss this with.
Alcohol also makes me very impulsive. I have little recollection of the things I have done when I come out of a binge.
I would love to get sober. I understand the negative impact alcohol has on me but at the same time, it helps me numb the bad way I feel at times. But it is slowly destroying me as a person.
DEIDRE SAYS: Now that you have recognised you have a problem, you can really get the support you need.
Binge-drinking is particularly dangerous, as you are at risk of a serious accident as well as alcohol poisoning.
Find a GP in your area as soon as you can and please be assured there is a lot of help available.
We Are With You can assist you with taking your first steps to a healthier and happier lifestyle (wearewithyou.org.uk).
My pack on drinking gives more information and details of other organisations to turn to.