19 Times People Realized They Got A Shut Up Ring
So, we recently asked the BuzzFeed Community to tell us the moment they realized they got a "shut up" ring. They shared the heartbreaking signs that their partner actually wasn't committed that they wish they knew before. Here's what they had to say:
"My brother-in-law proposed to his girlfriend with a shut up ring. This was after they dated, broke up, got sort of back together, and went for couple's therapy. He gave her a ring and asked if she still wanted to get married. The weekend after they got engaged, her parents went to visit and celebrate with them (about a 400 km drive for her parents). He went off camping, alone, with his dog. He finally broke it off a month before their wedding."
"The problem wasn't the shut-up ring — it's that I didn't realize that's what it was until after the divorce. My judgement was so clouded by how much I wanted it and that's how he kept it dangling in front of me on a string for as long as he did. I remember crying on Valentine's Day 2015 because in my head, I had made up that that would be our wedding day back in 2011, but we were still boyfriend and girlfriend and not doing anything for the day."
"We'd been dating about a year. I had mentioned marriage, but he wasn't feeling it. I went out to get Taco Bell for lunch and came home. He pulled out the ring and said, 'Thanks for the food.' I was thrilled at the time (I was 20), but looking back, it was definitely a shut up ring. We lasted eight years."
"I was young, around 20, and super naive. Unfortunately, I fell for a guy who was in a relationship with another woman and had two kids with her. They all lived in his parent's house. He left his family to be with me and moved into my house with my parents, leaving his baby mama to move out to her sister's house. For the year and a half we were together, he would cheat on me with her and vice versa — in addition to being extremely abusive, controlling, and manipulative. I eventually gave him an ultimatum, and my parents said he couldn't live in their house anymore. So, he drove me to the jeweler and asked me to pick out a ring because he 'chose' me."
"I had a friend who really wanted to marry her boyfriend, and after several years, he finally gave her the 'shut up' ring. A few weeks later, he asked her if he could wash her ring for her. (He was a neat freak.) He dropped her ring down the drain and 'couldn't' recover it."
"The first sign was that he proposed with a ring pop. He thought it was hilarious when I started to cry after seeing it was a joke. Fast-forward a few months, he got me a real ring. It was being sized, and the jeweler called and told me it was ready. He freaked that they called me. Called the store and told them not to give it to me. Management got involved. It was humiliating. We broke up."
"Me and my boyfriend had been dating since the beginning of college, and he was more of the party, don't-give-a-f***-type, while I was more practical and organized. I always wanted a family, and he never really thought about the future. Fast-forward four years into our relationship, I was talking to one of my girlfriends on the phone, and she told me that her brother was getting married. She then asked when my boyfriend was finally going to propose to me, and I didn't have an answer — which worried me that I didn't have a clear future."
"When after months of my pressing him to set a date, he picked the anniversary date of his wedding to his ex-wife. Right in the kisser!"
Calendar with red heart around fourteen number
"We had been in a relationship for five years and had a child together; it seemed like the next natural step. About 10 months after the wedding, his side piece came to my job to let me know that they had been seeing each other for the majority of my relationship and the entirety of my marriage. I left and filed for divorce a week after our first anniversary. Afterward, they were married, and I began dating someone new. My ex and I fell into a comfortable pattern of co-parenting."
"I've struggled with mental health issues since before I met my husband. Three years, two kids, and one purchased house into our marriage, we had an argument while I was in the middle of a particularly nasty bout with depression and OCD. He complained that he always knew I would never change. I asked him why he had married me if he'd always felt that way. He said, 'I felt obligated.' Four years later, that answer still haunts me."
"He wasn't involved in actually planning the wedding except to tell me what he wanted, not what I could afford. A year into our marriage, he wouldn't celebrate our anniversary. We were married for 13 years, and three children later, we divorced, and I was still fooling myself that he cared for me. After the divorce, I took a hard look back to see that he never really wanted me in the first place."
"First words he said after giving me the ring were, 'Thank God that's over.'"
"My boyfriend kept moving the goalposts. First, it was when he graduated college, then when he got a career established, and then when he got a little more security. In the meantime, I was watching everyone around me get married, and I'll admit, I started dialing up the pressure for caring, and he got one."
"When I walked in on him banging FIVE chicks at once. I took the ring off and threw it at him. One of the girls bit me. It was rough. Anyway, I ghosted him on what would have been our wedding day."
"We were together for four years, and when I turned 30, I told him I wanted to get married or there was no point in staying together if we were not moving forward. Eventually, two months later, he proposed to me. I was overjoyed, but immediately after, he told me that proposing was one thing, organizing a wedding was another one, and we would do that later. I picked the venue with his mom, and in the following months, he kept changing what he wanted for the big day: religious/non-religious, small/big, etc."
"He proposed on Christmas — the ring was my present. We'd been together two and a half years at that point, and I said I wasn't going to be a forever girlfriend. He was divorced, and I don't think he will ever remarry. He proposed, I said yes, then nothing. No excitement, no planning, no talks of actually getting married; he did it to buy time. But what do you do when you get what you think you want? You shut up, too. I never pushed marriage and neither did he. We lived like that for two years, and then, I was done."
"I gave him an ultimatum after six years of dating, and after, he said he still didn't know if he wanted to marry me. He finally proposed, and he asked me how I felt. 'Happy!' I exclaimed. 'You?' I asked. He replied, 'This is a big commitment...' Not the answer you'd want during a proposal."
"I had been dating my boyfriend at the time for two years. He kept talking to me about marriage and family and how 'when we get married' — you know, this and that. It was my 21st birthday, and he told me he was going to get me something. We had been looking for apartments to rent to move in together. He tells me to go get his coat out of his car. When I get back, I hand him the coat. He threw it back at me and said, 'I think there is something in the pocket?' He then told me to pull it out. It was a tiny box, I opened it, and it was a cute promise ring. I got excited and said, 'What does this mean?' He said, 'You know what that means.' I was so excited that I didn't realize I was never asked. He just assumed because it was a ring that he didn't have to ask me."
"It was the same day I decided it was time for a divorce. I always kind of knew my first husband wasn't as deeply in love with me as I was with him, but I had at least thought he respected me. Then, I came home from work early one night to a note taped to my door. From my best friend. To him. Telling him how awesome the night before was, and asking when they can do it again."
Have you ever gotten a "shut up" ring? In the comments below, if you feel comfortable sharing your story and what you learned, tell us the signs of a "shut up" ring that you noticed. Or, if you prefer to remain anonymous, feel free to use this Google form.
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