People Who Have Lost A Parent Are Sharing How They're Dealing With It And What They Would Tell People With Both Parents Still Alive

Yahoo

a day ago

It can be easy to take for granted the people we have in our lives. Those who have lost a parent know all too well what it feels like to wish they had more time with their mom or dad while they were alive.
I asked people who have lost a parent to share with us how they are dealing with their loss and what they would say to people with both parents still alive.
Here are a few responses:
1."I lost my mom around two years ago. She was gone much too soon. What really helped me was comfort reading and watching her favorite books/movies, especially ones we would enjoy together. When the loss was very fresh, it made me feel like she was still kind of there with me, if that makes sense. It's okay to acknowledge their flaws as well. For a while, I felt terrible when I would think about things I wished she had done differently. She was a good person, but she made mistakes. And that's okay. It doesn't mean you love them or miss them any less. Also, nobody's mourning is the same, so don't be shocked when you experience things differently than someone else. Also, don't block yourself off. Your support group — whether it be family, friends, or something else — will help you get through this. Treasure the people you love, and remember that it'll become better. It may not ever become okay, but the pain will get lighter, hopefully."
—purpleshield67
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2."My dad died when I was just about to turn 14, and he was 61. My mom died three years later when I was 17 and she was 55 years old. Feels weird that I have lived the majority of my life without them. They were not there for ANY of my milestones. Graduation from high school, graduation from boot camp, marriage, grand kids. Still miss them though. If you have a good relationship with your parents and they are kind and loving, cherish them! You will never know when it will be the last time speaking with them or seeing them."
—majorh
3."My mother died when I was five, and my father died when I was 15. As I get older, I realize all the things I missed out on by not having them in my life. I've had to be my own mother and father for most of my life. It's made me strong and independent AF - but I would do anything to have them back to this day. What I would say to people who still have their parents is just never take them for granted. They surely aren't perfect, but no one will ever love you the way your mom and dad do."
—Anonymous, 58 Chicago, IL
4."I lost my dad when I was 17. He died of cancer in less than a month of being diagnosed. It honestly shattered my life and changed its course in both good and bad ways. I think I would tell people with both parents to appreciate the small moments and the big ones. When buying my first house, getting married, getting a job, I really missed my dad. But also, I often think back to my last birthday with him alive, and I didn't celebrate it with him. Like a typical teenager, I celebrated with my friends. So yes, parents can be annoying, but life really does change in an instant, and sometimes you just need to take a moment and appreciate them for being around."
—Anonymous, 27, Buffalo, NY
5."My mom went on hospice at home, and I was able to spend most of her past few months with her. That REALLY helped me with processing her loss. Some suggestions: call your parents weekly or more if you don't live by them, ask them about themselves and their lives so you really know them, ask them for life tips — parents love giving advice, and get a therapist. They can help you process any trauma you have with your parents so you can move on."
—Anonymous, 55, Arizona
6."Both my parents are gone after both having dementia...talk to them, ask questions about their thoughts, feelings, and history. There are so many things I wish I'd asked and said. Tell them you love them. The time goes so quickly, and you can't get them back."
—Anonymous
7."Lost my mom at 29. I wish I had kept every birthday card, letter, or note. It becomes a treasure after they are gone."
—Anonymous, 34
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8."My mom died suddenly from a pulmonary embolism 24 years ago, and it still hurts when I think about her. It never gets 'better', but it does get easier over time. The first few years I couldn't go into the garden section of any stores because gardening was something I learned from her and we both enjoyed it together. I just want to tell anyone who still has their parents to appreciate them while they're still alive. You can lose someone you love in the blink of an eye, and you'll never see it coming."
—Anonymous, 61, Sparks, NV
9."My dad died of a heart attack when I was 27. I found out in a text message from my cousin. It was devastating. I stopped eating for five months and lost 22 pounds. Eventually, after months of lying in bed, I came out of it. I started to cook for myself, I got a gym membership, I went out in nature, and I joined a grief group, which was the most helpful thing I could have done for myself. I crawled out of the hole of darkness and started to feel joy again. One thing I would tell people who haven't experienced the death of a parent is to cherish your time with them. Recognize that they could be gone at any moment. Mend the bridge if it's been broken. Strengthen that relationship if the desire is there. And don't say something stupid to those of us grieving like, 'they are in a better place' or 'have you moved on yet?' There is no moving on, only moving forward. Listen, support, be a heart with ears."
—Anonymous, 43, Long Beach, CA
10."I lost my dad suddenly when I was 22 from a heart attack. I was in the US at the time and had to fly back to Europe, where he died; it was the longest nine-hour flight. We shared a passion for cooking. I was his sous chef. I remember a couple of months before his death, we got into a big argument about me always having to help him. The last time I saw him alive was in a FaceTime call a week before he died. I had to be strong for my mum as family and friends traveled for the funeral. No one really asked how I was doing. I fell into a two-month depression, barely leaving my room or the house. Over time, I grieved and I miss him every day."
"Those with both parents, I beg you to ask them questions about their younger years and regrets they've had, get to know them as a human, not just a parent. If you put yourself in their shoes, you'd understand a lot more about them. As I've gotten older, I definitely see things differently now and appreciate my mum more and the life both of them gave me."
—Anonymous, 35, UK
11."Take unlimited photos and videos. Record their voices. Ask them questions you'd never think of. Talk about death and their wishes. I lost my dad when I was 26 after a short battle with terminal cancer. My life now is categorised into before dad died and after. It really does change everything. Even though I knew it was coming, I wish so much I had more photos, videos and keepsakes from him. Be prepared for your life to do a whole 180. But remember, as long as you are on this earth, so are they. They are a part of you. Miss you endlessly dad."
—Anonymous, 30, Newcastle, UK
12."It never gets easier but you learn to look back on the happy memories and smile. It gives me a lot of comfort that the last interaction I had with my dad was to hug him and tell him I love him. Do that every time you leave your parents because you never know when you won't have that chance again."
—Anonymous, 41, London
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13."EMDR therapy was the only way I was able to process the death of my parents. It was the hardest work, but now I am free of the guilt and (most of) the PTSD. Everything is a constant reminder of their passing. For those who have one or both parents, please hug them and tell them you love them for me. I never got to say goodbye to my mom or dad. Appreciate them, be patient, and ask as many questions as you can about their lives so you get a better sense of them as people instead of as parents. Don't gripe about your parents in front of people who have lost theirs."
—Anonymous, 41, Denton, TX
14."I was extremely close to my mother, whom I lost when I was 27. She was my favorite person in the world and her death rocked me. I can honestly say that the pain never goes away — it changes as the years progress and you find yourself morphing from being lost in grief, to being able to still feel the loss but also fondly remember the really good times. They also never really leave you and stay in your heart forever."
—Anonymous, 50, Australia
15."Have a good support group around you. Not only other family members, but friends also. Always tell your parents every time that you see them that you love them. You never know when it might be the last time. That has been the hardest part since losing my mother."
—Anonymous
16."My mom died two weeks ago. It's been hell. Part of me still expects her to be downstairs in the morning, ready to chat. I found a sweater of hers the other day that still smells like her, and wrapped it up in plastic instantly to keep the smell. Talking to my friends, dad, and therapist has been helpful, but it can't take away the grim reality that when I wake up every morning, I'm aware she's dead. To those who still have their parents, love them, treasure them, appreciate them, and talk to them. The day that you can't is one of the most heartbreaking moments in your life."
—Anonymous, 36, Canada
17."My dad died from a rare autoimmune disease a few years ago. What I've realized is, it isn't the big events (weddings, graduations, etc.) that I miss him the most at. It's the little things. It's how I didn't get a text from him wishing me luck on an exam, or how I can't call him with a question about my car. It's seeing something that reminds me of an inside joke and not being able to share that with him. Obviously, I mourn his absence through big life events, but it's the mundane things that hit me the most, the things people take for granted. My advice would be to cherish every moment with your parents. Don't roll your eyes at the random calls or goofy texts because one day, you'll miss them."
—Anonymous, 28F, Alabama
18."I lost my dad 13 years ago and it was sudden. I was the one who found him. There's nothing you can do to prepare yourself for something like that. You have to take your time and heal with the grief because it doesn't just go away. You kind of build around it. You need to allow the sadness it's time and place in your heart for a while. Thankfully, in our family, we pretty much say I love you all the time so I know my dad knew that I loved him. If you have both parents, I highly recommend that even if you're disagreeing about something you should still say that you love them because the next morning they could be gone."
—Anonymous, Carmen, Canada
19."I lost my dad last year to cancer. Ride the waves, feel everything, and seek therapy to help with the grief. Friends/family are great for help, but it helps more to talk to someone outside that circle. Make yourself a self-care box (favorite snacks, magazines, etc.) and give yourself the grace that it's ok to make the couch your home and not heal on society's timeline. Stages of grief can happen out of order. You can be angry one day and the next day in denial, and then right back to anger. IT'S OK TO NOT BE OK. Depending on what your relationship is with either parent, if they're still alive, tell them you love them every day, hug them every day if you can. Don't take them for granted because in the blink of an eye, they could be gone."
—Anonymous, 37, Vancouver, Canada
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20."I lost my mom in March after two long years of declining health triggered by a stroke. There are still days where it doesn't feel real, and it crosses my mind to pop into her room to check in or share some juicy work gossip. Driving late at night, alone with my thoughts, always triggers a deep ache and a flood of tears. To people who still have parents (assuming they're the good kind): Cherish the time you have. It's cliché, but incredibly true that it can all go away in an instant. Say what you need to say to one another because tomorrow's never promised. There are so many questions I wish I'd asked and so many things I'll never get to say, and we talked all the time."
—Anonymous, 31, Illinois
21."If you have a parent who 'doesn't like to have their picture taken,' remind them that the pictures aren't for them, but for the ones who love them. My father died when I was eight and my sister was five. We only have a handful of photos of him. There is one of him and me together, when I was a newborn. There are none of him with my sister, something that pains her, even 52 years later."
—parryboucher
22."I lost my mum three days before Christmas when I was 15 weeks pregnant with my second daughter. I lost my auntie, my second mum, three weeks later. If I wasn't pregnant and didn't have my first child, I don't think I'd be here today. They gave me a reason to get up and get on with life. Some days, time feels like a healer, and other days I just miss them more with each day that passes. Appreciate your parents, take photos with them, make memories, listen to their advice and stories because you never know when it will be the last time you'll hear their voice."
—mellowtraveler817
23.And finally, "Hug them. Write down their stories. Regardless of your age when you lose your parents you feel like an orphan. Time helps but the missing them never ends."
—Anonymous, 50, California
If you have lost a parent, what would you add? If you haven't lost a parent, what do you think about the advice? Let us know in the comments or leave an anonymous comment on the form below.
Note: Responses have been edited for length/clarity.
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