This Millennial Commented On How Our Parents 'Don't Really Know Us,' And Sadly, Thousands Of People Agree
For many millennials, adulthood has brought with it a quiet, painful realization: our parents don't actually know who we are, and perhaps never tried to get to know us in the first place.
During a recent Reddit deep dive, I came across this post from the r/Millenials sub that shared a screenshot of now-suspended X/Twitter account @Misfitdree, who wrote, "Our parents really don't know us. Sad part is they're convinced they do." It became a statement that hit a little too close to home for some, and compelled them to share their own experiences.
Whether it's the mom who still buys owl-themed gifts 20 years after a childhood obsession, the dad who never showed up to a concert but bragged about it to friends, or the parent who dismisses your lived reality in favor of what the news told them, the stories below share one thing in common: We grew up, and they stopped updating the file. Here's what millennials had to say about their relationships with their parents:
Note: Some responses have been edited and condensed for clarity.
1."I don't think my parents actually want to really know me. They're pretty happy just keeping things surface level."
—u/1radgirl
2."I think my parents want to know the parts of me that conform to their preferences and expectations."
"But if there's something about me that doesn't reflect their values, they'd rather I keep it to myself."
—u/Justalocal1
3."It really does feel like my parents only care about me to the extent that they can personally identify with my behavior. I'm curious if maybe it's a generation or an age thing. I hope I'm interested in my kids past their surface level."
"My parents don't know anything about my life and I think they prefer that."
—u/EartwalkerTV
4."My mother recently took notice of my boots and commented on them. 'Doc Martens?! Wow, that's unexpected. I would never think black boots like that to be your style.'"
"I've been exclusively wearing black combat boots/Docs as my footwear of choice since I turned 14. I'm about to turn 36."
—u/ohdatpoodle
5."I made a feature film, and neither of my parents asked anything much about it or asked to see it. If my kid made a film, I would be over the moon excited to see it. It's so wild that our parents don't care at all except for me showing up for Easter and sitting there."
—u/HunterRose05
6."I feel this so much. I was in a few bands in my 20s, one of which was on an indie label and toured extensively. We put out two EPs and a full-length album with a vinyl release and everything. Neither of my parents ever listened to them even once."
"In fact, the first time we went on a long tour, and I called my mom to tell her the big news, she said it was silly and a waste of time. Sadly, their lack of support was a big factor in why I eventually gave it up. Now they complain that they don't know anything about me, lol. That's a resentment you just never get rid of."
—u/oil_can_guster
7."My parents showed so little interest in my music. Well, my mom did more than my dad, but neither ever asked to come see us. And I was playing House of Blues, I was touring, playing huge festivals, traveling to other countries. But I had to ask them to come see a big show once, and they were like, 'Do you want us there?' Like, WTF would I not? I know they don't like my music, but how can you not want to see your 22-year-old kid playing for 1,000 people? And they were both musicians."
"My dad taught me to sing. Zero interest. But then he'd play the music for his friends, like they care, as a way to brag. And my dad isn't a terrible guy. I just never understood that.
Meanwhile, my kid is now a drummer and fucking killing it. I love hearing him play even though it's super fucking loud in our house. I've never played the drums, but I'm so proud of him and happy for him that he's got this thing he loves and is great at. I can't imagine not wanting to be there to watch him perform."
—u/ExternalSelf1337
8."I've been in the same industry for almost 15 years and my parents still have no idea what I do (I'm an event producer)."
—u/fuckYOUswan
9."I feel this, but they don't even truly know themselves because they were raised to not have healthy coping mechanisms."
—u/411_hippie
10."I'm an only child of boomer parents, currently navigating my dad's end of life, and it has never been more apparent to me that my mom has unresolved trauma. She would hate that I put it that way, but I've had therapy, so."
—u/nxdgrrl
11."When I was like 10 or 11, my mom told me she knows me better than I know myself. That's when I realized she doesn't know me at all."
—u/530TooHot
12."My dad knew me. My mother does not. She's too concerned with herself to really know anyone else. So, of course, she's the one who is still alive."
—u/LFGhost
13."I had a really sad and sudden realization of how little my mom thought of me. She was telling me what it's like as a woman in the military. I'm a veteran with over a decade of service. When I told her my reality as a female veteran, she said, 'That's not what they said on the news.'"
—u/justLittleJess
14."They showed us as youngsters that being us wasn't acceptable. So we hid ourselves. As we became adults and left home, we let ourselves out. Our parents are convinced this new version of us is the fake."
"It hit me really hard one day when I realized I know so many stories about my parents' childhoods, but my parents only know the stories of when we were together. Which, as a latchkey double-income household, was weekends and evenings. As a teen, I stayed gone with extracurriculars. The idea that to them I am a kid, me, and never more, is nuts, but it's how it is."
—u/MrsTurnPage
15."Because boomers are the most selfish generation ever to exist. Even their parents called them the 'me' generation."
—ExtremeIndependent99
16."Every gift I've ever gotten from family members for the last 20 years is owl-themed because when I was 12, I had an (undiagnosed) ADHD-fueled obsession with them and that's literally the only thing they seem to remember about me."
"I've given specific lists of things that I want or need for my birthday or Christmas or wedding, but nope.
Owls."
—u/The-Hive-Queen
17."My favorite food since I was 5 has been mac 'n' cheese, like I have a distinct memory of being 8 and my aunt telling me there will be mac 'n' cheese there to convince me to go."
"My father tried to make a big deal about how they had made my favorite food during Christmas as proof of how much they care, during reconciliation therapy.
They made Shepherd's pie.
They then threatened my kids because of what I said during therapy, so…fuck 'em."
—u/SandiegoJack
18."This reminds me of when I moved away after college and my mom made a recipe book for me…with all of my brother's favorite meals from when we were kids."
—u/Tablessssssss
19."My parents were openly shocked when I came out as gay. They never saw it coming, but always bragged about how close we were and how they knew me better than anyone else."
—u/killey2011
20."I'm convinced their generation thinks they are truly better than everyone who came after them. They were fed so much propaganda about being the greatest country/people/generation that it's deeply rooted in their identity. Some actually see their own children as inferior to them simply because they're older, and older is automatically wiser."
—u/just_some_sasquatch
21."Yup. My parents struggle with the concept that I can form memories and have thoughts that are completely independent and based on my own experiences."
—u/Specific-Aide9475
Did any of this resonate with you? Have you had a different experience with your parents growing up? Share all your thoughts in the comments.
Note: Some responses have been edited for length/clarity.
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